| Subject: Re: I hate myself |
Author:
red_candle
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Date Posted: 21:21:12 09/16/04 Thu
In reply to:
lara
's message, "I hate myself" on 13:03:16 09/16/04 Thu
>I hate who I am, I hate what ana has done to my
>head... I just am so fucken tired of trying to be
>normal and eat. I don't want to anymore. I feel gross.
>I just don't want to keeo fighting this. I just want
>to be happy, and not care anymore. I had a completely
>horrible day today: I don't like eating in the dinning
>hall, so I take food back to my room. here no one can
>watch me eat. I get enough stares, I don't want to
>have to stay and eat in front of the student body. The
>problem is all I can eat there is from the salad bar (
>I go once a day) and if I am to get any calories I
>have to take A LOT of salad–lettuce, cucumbers,
>sometimes califlower, cut fruit, and beets. And
>again, I don't want to eat there–I feel like a pig–so,
>I put the food in bags and take them back to my room,
>which is not aloud... So today here I am with a tray
>piled high with lettuce, one bag full of cucumbers,
>and one of the heaf chefs comes over to basically tell
>me I am fucked. He was really nice about it, but that
>dosen't make it any better... already know that I
>look like a fool. I already know that everyone in
>that fucken dining hall is giving me dirty looks and
>gossiping behind my back. I already know that I am a
>screw up... Even worse is that I am a member of a
>group that goes to the dining hall and other local
>businesses after hours to pick up the food that would
>be thrown away; we then diler it to shelters. This is
>a new thing that started this year but now I fear that
>the cooks, chefs, and employies at the d hall are
>going to think I am taking that food for myself and
>not for those in real need. The food we collect after
>hours is stuff I would never touch–hot fatening food–I
>never in two years got hot food for myself. I always
>go straight to the salad bar...
>I want to still do my work with the group, but now it
>is like eveyone will be watching me, if they weren't
>already. I hate myself, and I hate the fact that I
>have been making myself eat for almost 6 years now. I
>have kept myself out of the hospital, after the 2nd
>inpatient treatment and learning of my osteoporosis...
> But fuck it. I'm sorry for swearing, but I just don't
>waht to do anymore.
lara,
im really sorry to hear about what happened. personally though, i dont think you did anything wrong. the only reason you were taking that stuff in bags is because you cant eat in front of people... not beause you were trying to steal from the cafeteria (which, may i add, many people do even after eating thier fill while in the dining hall. myself included, i have taken fruit to go many times) and anyways, so what!?!? i figure, we are paying exorbatent amts of money to go to these schools the least they could do was let us eat/take what we want. i think your motives were very pure and it's not your problem if other people dont understand your situation... also, i think its awesome that you do that program to bring the extra food to those who need it. i say if anyone gives you crap about it, and you feel pressure to explain yourself, just tell them the truth: that you cant eat in front of people and weren't trying to do any harm. also, stick with the group!! quitting would only make you look like you are guilty of something, which you're not. you are a really great girl who deserve lots of happiness and only good things; i can tell!!!
tomorrow will be a better day.
xoxo
nicole
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