| Subject: Re: Bittersweet? Jane? |
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bittersweet
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Date Posted: 15:17:56 07/09/05 Sat
In reply to:
lara
's message, "Bittersweet? Jane?" on 13:24:57 07/09/05 Sat
>I completely understand. I'm going through the same
>thing. I too know the daily horror of weighing in. I
>hate how much it can determine my day. Our weights are
>about the same . How tall are you? I'm 5'4/5'5. It's
>hard to look like a "real person." It is so hard. I
>feel so fat, but my rational mind (and yours) knows
>that our weight is just a number. And yes, mine is
>more "healthy" that it has been in years. But still I
>really hate that word, "healthy," the doctors would
>use it when I was hospitalized, when they made me gain
>weight.
>
>Not to mention that now, I am home for the summer, my
>old friends, who know me as a twig want to get
>together. I feel that they are going to be shocked
>when they see me looking "normal." I don't want to
>hear "you look good." So I've been avoiding them,
>turning me into a horrible liar.
>
>On another note, I was just diagnosed with
>hyperthyroidism, which I don't understand because I
>wanted to get blood work to check my TSH levels
>because I thought I was experiencing symptoms of
>hypothyroidism. I am pretty sure that I am dealing
>with the antibodies, Hashimoto's and Graves, which I
>asked my md to test initially. He thought I was fine.
>He was wrong, and now he will have to run that test my
>next visit, on the 14th. I don't feel like talking
>about it, but you can google the diseases and see what
>I am talking about if you are interested.
>
>I do have some good news though. I'm volunteering with
>kids this summer, which gets me outside of my own
>head. They are children that have been forced to grow
>up, all are coping with trauma (sexual abuse, alcohol
>abuse, drugs, family problems). These kids have been
>bounced around all their lives. The facility I am
>volunteering and interning at is working to provided a
>safe environment. Also I did find a website with great
>potential, to aid in self-improvement and healing if
>used with that in mind. I think it might help you; I
>really am liking it. Your smart, you'll figure out how
>it works. I would really love to "cheer" you on. You
>see, once you set up an account, you list the top 43
>things you want to do and can see others with similar
>goals, as well as be inspired by others' goals. I've
>decided to stay away from anything that has to do with
>"weight loss" and aim for "feeling comfortable in my
>own skin."
>
>Here's my link:
>http://www.43things.com/person/MyThings
>
> >>still kicking around... I was hoping that this one
>>>would pick up. It used to be real wonderful. If
>you're
>>>having trouble, post, I would love to listen and give
>>>support to you.
>>>
>>>lara
>>>
>>>>hey,
>>>>
>>>>not sure if you're still kicking around but i was
>>just
>>>>wondering if you made out on finding a forum? i've
>>>>been struggling a lot too lately with a bunch of ED
>>>>crap and was wondering what you found...
>>>>hope you are well <3
>>>>
>>>>jane <3 >
>>
>>
>>i'm glad you're still here! i suspect a lot of ppl
>>must still be checking in, just not posting so much-
>>but it has been a little more active...i know
>>chocolate and deb are around. it's mostly my fault
>>that i havent been posting about me anyway, because my
>>ED has become completely bizarre. for the past 4 or 5
>>months my weight has been bouncing the walls between
>>90 and 105. literally, BOUNCING. different from week
>>to week, day to day. and i've completely stopped
>>sleeping, on the bad days. if i'm above a certain
>>weight (usually 100) i will not sleep and on the
>>nights when i do i will jerk awake and find myself on
>>the exercise machine, half asleep, at 4 in the
>>morning. the "dividing" has started. on the days i'm
>>happy with my weight, i'll perhaps (gasp!) wear a
>>t-shirt and actually go somewhere. the bad days or the
>>binging/purging days it's sweatshirts and sweatpants
>>in the 90 degree weather, sweating buckets. what's
>>bothering me is mostly the panic, the terror after a
>>binge. i HATE the binges. even the purging is not
>>enough, and i wont sleep for days- the panic will take
>>over and i'll start sobbing uncontrollably. i just
>>want to be able to relax!!!!! lol. i wish none of us
>>had to go through this, it's hell. a lot of times when
>>i'm lying in bed i'll mouth "please kill me" out of
>>nowhere and not even now who i'm talking to...or i'll
>>be in the shower, look down, and somebody inside my
>>head (me?) is saying i wish i was dead. then i think
>>"that's terrible" and quickly try to think about
>>something else, but that usually doesnt work. if i'm
>>at a mall or walking outside where there's thin people
>>gathering with little clothes on i'll mouth "kill me.
>>kill me. kill me." with each step, trying to stare at
>>my feet. the screwed up thing, i know it's terrible
>>but i cant stop thinking about it..it's automatic.
>>i'll usually torture myself with the thought of death
>>then feel horribly guilty for the people who really
>>are sick, and really cant help it....today is a 105
>>day and the terror is here, staying away from all
>>jeans and cringing at the fact that i look like a real
>>person. i swear if it wasnt for the forum, nobody
>>would understand this madness! okay, sorry that was a
>>lot of typing =X i've blabbered too much. hope you are
>>well, and everyone is well and still kicking around.
>>i'll always be around, reading & posting
>>
>><3 ><3 jane
lara,
yep! we're definately going through a lot of the same things! i remember we've talked about that before...my body is a bit different. i'm short, only 5'3. i've always wanted to be taller so i wear 4 inch tall clunky shoes with jeans
so it's underactive thyroid you have? i was supposed to get tested for that as well, a few months ago, but i'm terrified of needles so "reschedualed". i think one of the main symptoms is fatigue, but beyond that i dont have much knowledge. doctors amaze me, how they simply dont listen. obviously if you thought something was wrong, he should have taken it into consideration. in any case, i hope your next appt goes better.
i do the same thing you do. i havent talked to any of my old friends in almost a year. i graduated h/s last year and my weight then was always very low- i've gained 5 to 10 to 15 lbs, depending on the day. i did go visit them, a few months ago and got the usual "you look healthy". they appeared relieved, that i was "okay" at last. i think the reason that bothers me (and perhaps you too) is that i'm NOT okay, dont feel okay just because i may look healthier. i still starve, still binge, still purge, still exercise at 3 am, only now my weight is different. i think that's the bothersome part. the pain is still there, even after some weight is gained (or lost.) certain comments just seem to put me into a tailspin, making the ED thrive. i havent talked to any of them since then....of course not until i "get thin". 2 weeks ago i was 93, and now (today) am 103. it doesn't seem to make any sense. it is my body rebelling against my brain, binging...though i wish it would starve.
i dont know why we should think they really care what we look like, they dont. it's probably the hardest thing to tell yourself, is that you're a worthwhile person no matter what the scale says. i think the fact is, that after you gain some weight, a lot of people stop getting worried, and the negative attention turns into positive attention. positive attention has always bothered me to begin with. it seems so false, so phony to the way i'm actually feeling inside.
on a lighter note, i'm glad you are volunteering with kids. it sounds like a really cool thing to do- also i think it would be good for you =) my sister is going to help me find someting to do over the summer as well, hopefully far away from anyone i know- but it should also be good. i'm gonna check out that website probably tonight or tomorrow,thanks!
be well
<3 jane
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