| Subject: Bittersweet? Jane? |
Author:
lara
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Date Posted: 13:24:57 07/09/05 Sat
In reply to:
bittersweet
's message, "Re: ...Lara? here." on 15:37:33 07/08/05 Fri
I completely understand. I'm going through the same thing. I too know the daily horror of weighing in. I hate how much it can determine my day. Our weights are about the same . How tall are you? I'm 5'4/5'5. It's hard to look like a "real person." It is so hard. I feel so fat, but my rational mind (and yours) knows that our weight is just a number. And yes, mine is more "healthy" that it has been in years. But still I really hate that word, "healthy," the doctors would use it when I was hospitalized, when they made me gain weight.
Not to mention that now, I am home for the summer, my old friends, who know me as a twig want to get together. I feel that they are going to be shocked when they see me looking "normal." I don't want to hear "you look good." So I've been avoiding them, turning me into a horrible liar.
On another note, I was just diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, which I don't understand because I wanted to get blood work to check my TSH levels because I thought I was experiencing symptoms of hypothyroidism. I am pretty sure that I am dealing with the antibodies, Hashimoto's and Graves, which I asked my md to test initially. He thought I was fine. He was wrong, and now he will have to run that test my next visit, on the 14th. I don't feel like talking about it, but you can google the diseases and see what I am talking about if you are interested.
I do have some good news though. I'm volunteering with kids this summer, which gets me outside of my own head. They are children that have been forced to grow up, all are coping with trauma (sexual abuse, alcohol abuse, drugs, family problems). These kids have been bounced around all their lives. The facility I am volunteering and interning at is working to provided a safe environment. Also I did find a website with great potential, to aid in self-improvement and healing if used with that in mind. I think it might help you; I really am liking it. Your smart, you'll figure out how it works. I would really love to "cheer" you on. You see, once you set up an account, you list the top 43 things you want to do and can see others with similar goals, as well as be inspired by others' goals. I've decided to stay away from anything that has to do with "weight loss" and aim for "feeling comfortable in my own skin."
Here's my link: http://www.43things.com/person/MyThings
>>still kicking around... I was hoping that this one
>>would pick up. It used to be real wonderful. If you're
>>having trouble, post, I would love to listen and give
>>support to you.
>>
>>lara
>>
>>>hey,
>>>
>>>not sure if you're still kicking around but i was
>just
>>>wondering if you made out on finding a forum? i've
>>>been struggling a lot too lately with a bunch of ED
>>>crap and was wondering what you found...
>>>hope you are well <3
>>>
>>>jane <3 >
>
>
>i'm glad you're still here! i suspect a lot of ppl
>must still be checking in, just not posting so much-
>but it has been a little more active...i know
>chocolate and deb are around. it's mostly my fault
>that i havent been posting about me anyway, because my
>ED has become completely bizarre. for the past 4 or 5
>months my weight has been bouncing the walls between
>90 and 105. literally, BOUNCING. different from week
>to week, day to day. and i've completely stopped
>sleeping, on the bad days. if i'm above a certain
>weight (usually 100) i will not sleep and on the
>nights when i do i will jerk awake and find myself on
>the exercise machine, half asleep, at 4 in the
>morning. the "dividing" has started. on the days i'm
>happy with my weight, i'll perhaps (gasp!) wear a
>t-shirt and actually go somewhere. the bad days or the
>binging/purging days it's sweatshirts and sweatpants
>in the 90 degree weather, sweating buckets. what's
>bothering me is mostly the panic, the terror after a
>binge. i HATE the binges. even the purging is not
>enough, and i wont sleep for days- the panic will take
>over and i'll start sobbing uncontrollably. i just
>want to be able to relax!!!!! lol. i wish none of us
>had to go through this, it's hell. a lot of times when
>i'm lying in bed i'll mouth "please kill me" out of
>nowhere and not even now who i'm talking to...or i'll
>be in the shower, look down, and somebody inside my
>head (me?) is saying i wish i was dead. then i think
>"that's terrible" and quickly try to think about
>something else, but that usually doesnt work. if i'm
>at a mall or walking outside where there's thin people
>gathering with little clothes on i'll mouth "kill me.
>kill me. kill me." with each step, trying to stare at
>my feet. the screwed up thing, i know it's terrible
>but i cant stop thinking about it..it's automatic.
>i'll usually torture myself with the thought of death
>then feel horribly guilty for the people who really
>are sick, and really cant help it....today is a 105
>day and the terror is here, staying away from all
>jeans and cringing at the fact that i look like a real
>person. i swear if it wasnt for the forum, nobody
>would understand this madness! okay, sorry that was a
>lot of typing =X i've blabbered too much. hope you are
>well, and everyone is well and still kicking around.
>i'll always be around, reading & posting
>
><3 <3 jane
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