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Date Posted: 22:30:54 04/24/14 Thu
Author: usmgrad
Subject: The Past, part three

Title – The Past

Author - usmgrad

Disclaimer: JAG and its characters are the property of CBS Television, Paramount Studios and Bellisarius Productions. All rights reserved. No monetary gain will be realized from this story and no copyright infringement is intended.

A/N – what if there was another reason for Harm not being able to “let go”? This doesn’t exactly follow canon but then sometimes the show didn’t either. Takes place after Mac’s Christmas accident.


Part three

To say that Mac was surprised was an understatement. She was in shock and for the first time in her life didn’t know what to say or do. For a long time the only sound that could be heard were the waves crashing on the rocks below. Harm, looking out over the ocean, his back to Mac began to speak, answering the unasked questions.

“I met her at Luke and Annie’s wedding, just after we graduated from the academy. She was Annie’s maid of honor and I was Luke’s best man. We spent a lot of time together those few days doing last minute things for the happy couple.”

Harm paused, allowing her a chance to grasp what he was telling her, giving him time gather his thoughts before he continued. It had been a long time since he had talked about Amanda.

“I though you and Diane . . .”

Mac knew her looking like Diane had haunted him for a long time. She had always figured he and Diane were closer than he had admitted. Maybe she had been wrong.

Harm relaxed ever so slightly, talking about Diane was easier than talking about Amanda.

“Diane and I were friends, I guess you could say best friends for a while, but it was never going to be anything more. We were both dedicated to our careers and we knew they were not going to ever cross paths. As a matter of fact just before she was murdered she was considering leaving the Navy. That’s what the weekend at her parent’s cabin was all about, the future. She wanted to talk about her choices, wanted my opinion and she knew I needed to talk about my options too. I wasn’t happy at JAG. It wasn’t about romance, like everyone assumed. As a matter of fact her last few letters hinted at a possible boyfriend. I think she wanted my opinion on that too.”

Harm paused letting that sink in. He knew he had just thrown his partner for a loop. It was a while before Mac finally spoke.

“Can you tell me about Amanda?”

Harm eyes never leaving the tranquil scene before him took a deep breath and began to talk about his wife. “She was a simple, uncomplicated person like the daisies she loved. She was beautiful, strong, opinionated, and persistent.”

Harm stopped. Mac saw him smile at the memories; she could see the love for this woman in his eyes as he talked about her.

“She challenged me, helped me, loved me. She was an only child, grew up in Montana. She loved animals, especially horses. She lost her parents in a car accident . . .” Harm stopped suddenly, wiping tears from his eyes, taking deep breaths before he continued. “When she was in college.”

Harm stopped again. Mac didn’t push him to continue. She waited patiently, hurting for her partner and the pain he still suffered.

“I fell in love with her on the dance floor at the reception. Only I didn’t tell her, afraid she’d think I was crazy. We spent the next few days together. Then I left for Pensacola. I asked her to come to Florida but she was committed to graduate school. Every weekend pass I could get, which weren’t many, I went to see her. She attended my flight school graduation. Somehow I gathered up enough nerve that weekend and told her I loved her. She laughed said ‘I know’. Later when I told Diane she chewed me out, ‘did I really think Amanda didn’t love me?’ Then Diane asked when the wedding was.”

Harm smiled at the memory. “We were married three years later; she wanted to wait until she finished graduate school.”

Harm stopped talking; Mac was at a loss for words. When Harm didn’t continue Mac crossed over to him, kissed his cheek, told him thank you for sharing Amanda with her and went inside. Harm’s check was wet with tears.

The house was quite. Figuring Frank and Trish had gone upstairs Mac found her way to the den to find a book to read. She was surprised to find Frank there finishing off a nightcap.

“I did mean to disturb you; I was just looking for a book.” Mac was apologetic.

“No need to apologize, I was hoping you would come in and join me . . .”

Mac interrupted him before he could finish, “I don’t drink.”

Frank nodded his head, “ . . . in a late night conversation.”

“I don’t know how much company I would be tonight.” Mac replied as she looked out the window to see her partner head down toward the beach.

“He’s a lot stronger than you think.”

Mac acknowledged the statement.

“When I was a young man, I fell in love.”

Mac turned and looked at Frank with a surprised expression.

“Yes I know it’s hard to believe, but it is true. I not only fell in love but married the lucky lady. We had a great marriage, were ecstatic about the impending arrival of our first born.’ Frank paused, looked out the window to where Harm had disappeared then continued. “Our child died during childbirth, my wife a few hours later.” Another pause. “I was given all sorts of reason, oh they were all sorry, it was just one of those things, nothing could be done. But for the one left behind they were only words. The one left behind had to deal with the empty rooms, the dinners for one, the quiet. I think that’s what got me the most was the quiet. So I put all my energy into my work. Until one day I met this wonderful woman with an obnoxious ten year old son.”

Mac smiled at the thought.

“I thought my life was over when my first wife died. Part of me died with her. It was the same for Harm. Unfortunately it is the one thing he and I share. Harm locked himself away for a while. Then he threw himself into his work. And then he met you.”

Mac tried to smile knowing what Frank was trying to do.

“You don’t have an obnoxious ten year old, but I think the marine thing makes up for it. Give him time.”

“How much time?” Mac was on the verge of tears.

“I don’t know. But I can tell you this, of all the other women in his life he has never brought anyone here. And to my knowledge he’s never told anyone, male or female about Amanda. Once a year he calls me, no matter where he is, on the anniversary of her passing. This year is extremely difficult for him; this is the first time since her funeral he’s actually been here in California on the actual day.”

“It was you he called when we received this assignment.”

“It was. There are only a few subjects he will question me about, this is one of them. He tried to get out of the assignment.”

“You told him to come.”

“I told him to come and when his assignment was finished to spend a few days at the beach and to bring you with him. You see Mac, in past few years when he’d call on the anniversary of her passing the conversation would start out talking about Amanda, but they always ended talking about Mac.”

Mac smiled, kissed Frank goodnight and headed upstairs. Tonight was not a night for a book.


The next morning Mac was again up with the sun. Today she was surprised to find Trish also up.

“Morning”

“Good morning Sarah, how’d you sleep?”

“Not well I’m afraid.”

“I’m sorry dear, if another bed would be more comfortable.”

“No ma’am it wasn’t the bed. I just couldn’t sleep.” Mac secured a cup of coffee and joined Trish at the breakfast room table. “Harm told me about Amanda last night. I guess it affected me more that I thought. Have you seen him this morning or is he still asleep.”

“He was up before me, went for a run on the beach. I suspect he’ll be awhile before he returns. If you don’t mind me asking, what did he tell you?”

“How they met. That he fell in love. He told me they were married shortly after she finished graduate school.”

“Actually they were married right out there. It was on an evening like the ones we’ve been having lately. Beautiful sunset, mild temperatures.”

Trish paused then continued.

“Is that all he told you?”

“Yes ma’am. I didn’t have the heart to ask questions. I saw it was hurting him too much. I know from the headstone she died two years later.”

“That was a very dark time for my son. He was devastated. Then shortly after their deaths he had his ramp strike. Lost his ability to fly on top of everything else.”

“Their deaths?” Mac was surprised.

Trish realized her mistake the moment she had spoken it. “Sarah, I can’t tell you anymore. You’re going to have to wait until Harm tells you.”

“He’s hurting so much now. I don’t think he’ll tell me any more. I’m not sure I want to know. I’m not going to ask any more questions.”

“You’re wrong Sarah, after all these years I think he wants to talk about it. He’s finally letting go of the past. Give him time, he’ll let you in.”

Mac considered the wisdom of his mother and quietly agreed. She didn’t see Harm until later that afternoon.

“Let’s go for a walk.”

“Okay.”

He took her hand and led her down the steps to the beach, as his mother watched from the den, with Frank by her side. Both thankful Harm was finally finding peace with the past and looking toward the future.

Mac quietly walked next to Harm, unsure where their relationship would end up after this weekend. The longer they walked in silence the more she began to realize the depth Harm had gone to shelter his past. The man she walked beside today was not the same man she had met years earlier. The “mask” he had firmly in place in the past was gone; she was seeing the true Harmon Rabb for the first time and was falling in love with him all over again.

Mac hated to break the silence but knew things needed to be said. “Harm, Amanda was an important part of your life, I’d like to know more about her if you can tell me.” She waited letting him get use to the idea of talking about the woman that was in his life for such a short time. “I understand a little bit better now why you do the things you do. I just want you to know where ever our relationship goes there will always be room for Amanda. I want you to understand that.”

Harm nodded, appreciating the woman beside him more than he could vocalize. “Amanda loved the beach. When I was on board the carrier her letters were always asking where our ports of call would be. Her first question would be – is there a beach? I began to accuse her of not wanting to see me just using me to get to see another beach. And we saw lots of them. Starting with our honeymoon, we went to Hawaii. That first year I made sure she saw beaches all over the world. The next year, it was just after my encounter with the Libyan migs, I was transferred to shore duty. I was assigned to a squadron here in California. Amanda was disappointed at first, no more beaches, but also elated, a whole twelve months of me home every afternoon.”

Harm stopped talking as they continued to walk down the beach. Mac knew she hadn’t heard the hardest part yet. She still wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it.

They walked quietly until suddenly Harm stopped. Mac could tell he was reliving the past. She hurt as she watched him struggle with it.

“She loved the beach so much I bought her this house so she could walk out on one every day.”

Mac turned to see a small, beach cottage. “I never could get up the courage to sell it after . . . Frank’s been taking care of it for me.”

Harm started toward the house.

“Harm we don’t have to . . .”

Holding out his hand, “I want you to see it Mac. Please.”

“Alright.”

Mac noticed the plywood that had covered the windows had been removed. She guessed this was where Harm had disappeared to the previous two days. They entered the house through a large expanse of glass. Mac noticed the entire back of the house was open to the beach. The inside, while void of furniture it appeared it was at one time a very cheerful house. A home full of love.

“She loved it here, always complained about having to go to work.”

Harm walked toward the kitchen.

“Amanda taught me how to cook. I was terrible at first, always burning things. I think we went through three sets of pots and pans that year I was home. ”

He headed toward the front of the house, Mac followed.

“This was her office.”

Mac could see a desk was still in the room, covered with a sheet to protect it.

“She put a chair in that corner.” Harm pointed to the farthest corner of the room. “Said I could sit and watch her work if I was very quiet. I would sit and watch her for hours. She loved what she did; she was a very passionate lawyer.”

Harm sighed and walked down the hall toward what Mac thought would be the bedrooms.

Harm stopped at a door at the end of the hall. Mac could tell he was struggling.

“Harm we don’t have to go any further, it’s okay.”

“No Mac, I want you to see. I need for you to know it all.”

Mac laid her hand on Harm’s arm. “Okay, whenever you’re ready. I’m right here.”

Harm opened the door and entered the room.

Once again Mac was unprepared for what she saw. The room was on the beach side of the house, windows looked out over the sand to the ocean and Mac was sure during the summer the sun set could be seen from this room. The outside scene she saw continued inside, painted on the walls. There were sand dunes, sea grass, drift wood and seagulls. On the far wall were cliffs with the sea crashing up on the rocks below. On the wall against the hall mixed with the sea grass and drift wood was an empty chair and a child’s bucket filled with sand, the beginnings of a sand castle.

“Shortly after we moved in she brought me into this room, said she had a surprise for me. I found a small pile of sand in the middle of the room. At first I though we had a hole somewhere and the sand had blown in until she told me she had brought it in. I told her she was crazy. Amanda just laughed, told me I had to know how to build a proper sand castle and since it was dark when I got home I’d have to learn inside. When I asked her why, she told me ‘every daddy needed to know how to make a sand castle’.”

Mac’s eyes filled with tears.

Harm weakly laughed at the memory, “For weeks I was sweeping up the sand.”

“She was so proud of this room. She did all the work herself, wouldn’t let me help. She said she wanted our son to wake up every day to the sunshine and wonder of the beach.”

Harm quietly left the room.

This was Harm’s life, before JAG, before his ramp strike. He had a wife and a child. He was happy and it was all cruelly taken away. Mac shed tears for her best friend. He had it all and lost it. It was a while before Mac could compose herself. She quietly left the room, closing the door behind her.

Mac found Harm outside on the beach, sitting by a small fire pit, the fire burning brightly. Mac quietly joined him, sitting in the chair next to him. There were no words to express what was going on inside her. She couldn’t imagine what was churning inside Harm.

Harm got up to put another piece of wood on the fire, as he sat back down he took Mac’s hand. He began to speak , holding tight to her hand.

“We would sit out here for what seemed like hours, making plans, talking about the future.”

Harm paused.

“Our son was born on March 23, 1990. Six pounds seven ounces, eighteen inches long. He had ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes. Brown hair and blue eyes. He looked just like his mother but against my better judgment was named Harmon Rabb III. I brought them home two days later. Life was perfect.”

Harm stopped. His eyes teared as he remembered. Mac remained quiet. She squeezed his hand in support. He eventually squeezed back.

“It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining the air was warm and we were going to take Trey to the beach, as soon as they returned from his four week check up. I wanted to go with her to the check up but I was on duty.”

Another pause. Harm was struggling with this more so than when he discovered his father had died. “They never made it home. A six car pile up on the highway. Her car was caught in the middle. Both died at the scene.”

Finally it all made sense, the day she followed Harm to the cemetery was April 20th. The day his wife and son had died.

“I had him buried in her arms.”

As they sat there quietly watching the moon rise over the horizon, Mac reflected on the past nine year. So many things became clear, Harm’s reluctance to get seriously involved with a woman, his devotion to children, his love of the law. Why he always insisted on driving when they were on assignment, even why he was overprotective at times.

They sat there quietly until the light was gone and the stars came out.

“We need to head back; your mother is probably getting worried.” Mac was concerned for her partner. As much as she appreciated what Harm had shared with her she was afraid talking about Amanda might sink him into a depression he might not recover from. She wanted to get him back among the living.

“Mom knows where we are, but your right we need to head back if we are to leave first thing in the morning. I’m sure you have some packing to do.”

“No.” Even to Mac that sounded too abrupt. “What I mean is we aren’t leaving for a few more days. I spoke with the General; everything is quiet at Headquarters so he said not to report until Monday. We have a flight out Sunday afternoon.”

“You called him?”

“No Harm, he called me. I haven’t, wouldn’t say anything unless you give me permission. And even then I wouldn’t.”

Harm nodded. “Let’s get back anyhow, you must be getting hungry.”

It was at that moment Mac’s stomach grumbled, causing them both the laugh.

“See I told you. I seem to know my Marine better than she knows herself.”

Mac was surprised at the declaration but didn’t say anything.


The next day Mac decided to make her morning run along the streets. The beach was fine but the street route allowed for more challenging hills and turns and besides it would allow her to go past Harm’s house on the daylight, getting another view from the street. She was surprised to find a car in the drive way and the front door open. She was about to call Harm when she saw him coming out of the house, hammer in hand talking to a young couple that had followed him out. The two men shook hands and Harm kissed the very pregnant lady on the cheek. The couple hugged, got in the car a left. Harm started to reenter the house when he saw Mac.

“Getting an early start this morning?”

“No as early as you I can see. Everything alright?”

“I think I just made that young couple very happy.”

“What did you do?”

“Let them buy their dream house.”

“Harm you sold your house?”

“I told Frank right after Christmas to put it on the market. It wasn’t long before he told me he had a buyer, I just didn’t know I was going to be here for the closing. Cassie, the pregnant lady, grew up around here. She even told me she visited Amanda here once. That’s when she fell in love with the house. She’s been after Frank to let her know when it came on the market because she wanted to buy it”

Mac followed Harm back into the house as he continued.

“Cassie works for a company that focuses on beach restoration. She traveled a lot but because of the baby, it’s a girl by the way, she’ll be working from home for a while.”

“Can they afford it?”

“Cassie said she has been saving for the past fifteen years and Ted, her husband is a builder. They can afford it. Frank is at the lawyer’s now drawing up the papers. The Wrights, Cassie and Ted will meet me there later this afternoon to sign everything.”

“Are you okay?”

Harm turned looking at the empty house “I miss them every day. But I remembered something last night that Amanda use to tell me, ‘remember our time together, be it a life time or a few years, was meant to be.’ I always thought she said it because of the possibility of my not coming home one day, like my dad. But now I know what she really meant. I don’t know if she somehow knew what the future held but I do know she lived life to its fullest and along the way showed me how to live that life too. I had forgotten it until recently. If Amanda were here she’d give me a good thrashing for forgetting”

Mac reached for Harm's hand, “Last December when I had my accident you told me you understood that I had been pushing you away because I had a few things to work out. But that you were still there, you still wanted a future with me.”

Harm smiled at the memory.

“You have things to work through too. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still here. I’m in no hurry; we can take this thing, whatever it is, wherever it goes at your pace.”

“I love you Mac.”

The words surprised Mac, but when she looked into his eyes she realized he meant them.

“I love you to Harm.”



a/n - I always wondered about Harm's past, when did he learn to cook, why did he choose the law after his ramp strike, why was he not married, why was he drawn to children when he was an only child. I hope you have enjoyed my idea of what Harm's past might have been like.

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Replies:

[> Thank you so very much that was simply beautiful! -- Ciara, 08:54:50 04/25/14 Fri [1]


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[> This was a amazing story. Thank you for sharing. -- Beth, 09:05:16 04/25/14 Fri [1]


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[> Very poignant story. Loved it! -- Lee, 12:06:42 04/25/14 Fri [1]


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[> Loved it Usmgrad it was a nice change to see Harms past in a different light than just about his dad -- Bev uk, 14:43:03 04/25/14 Fri [1]


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[> WOW.. -- Alicia, 21:29:24 04/25/14 Fri [1]


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[> Wow...just amazing (inside) -- Nettie, 18:15:55 04/26/14 Sat [1]

Over the years I have read (and written) countless JAG stories and never have I seen one with this storyline. Unique, creative and extremely well written. Thank you.


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[> This story did certainly capture the readers and put Harm's past into a new perspective. Have enjoyed this and hope you, too, will continue to share your talents. -- carramor, 23:34:01 04/26/14 Sat [1]


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[> Very good story with an interesting take on Harm's thinking. -- achaon, 14:28:40 04/27/14 Sun [1]


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[> A lovely love story, thank you so much for sharing... -- JoyZ, 00:01:01 04/29/14 Tue [1]


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