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Date Posted: 21:35:06 09/07/13 Sat
Author: usmgrad
Subject: The Touch of a Child

Title – The Touch of a Child

Author – usmgrad

Disclaimer: JAG and its characters are the property of CBS Television, Paramount Studios and Bellisarius Productions. All rights reserved. No monetary gain will be realized from this story and no copyright infringement is intended.


A/N – thoughts of Harm and Mac after the coin toss as they begin their life together

Harm

The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Sarah MacKenzie. I think deep down that’s why I never moved our relationship past a certain level, I was afraid at some point I would do exactly what I didn’t what to do, hurt the woman I love. That last night in my loft when I finally took her in my arms and told her I loved her I knew I was on borrowed time. I have tried to give her everything she deserves but it’s not enough.

The coin toss didn’t go her way; she lost her command and was forced to leave the Marines, the thing that gave her life meaning. Then to add insult to injury I took her away from her friends, her support and moved her across the ocean where she is now just a military wife, stuck in a government assigned house while I worked at a job she had to give up. The guilty finally got the best of me; I made up an excuse to get her to come to the office. Her retirement wasn’t official; she was still technically in the Marines, assigned to JAG headquarters. I wanted to show her off to my co-workers and I would never admit it but I needed her there as a sounding board. Sure we talk in the evenings but it’s not the same as being there. I am still learning my staff’s strengths and weaknesses and have not developed the type of trust I have with Mac. It was a comfort to have her close by, in the same office. It didn’t take long for others to realize she was becoming an important part of the team. With the escalation in the Middle East we were dealing with more people and processing more information in a language other than English. Her ease with languages served the military time and time again. I convinced the General to tear up Mac’s separation papers and asked that she be temporary assign to my office. He said no; there was no way the UCMJ would allow married couples to serve together. It wasn’t until the Secretary of the Navy commended Mac’s work on an important agreement that the General finally figured out a way to make it work. Mac is still assigned to JAG headquarters but is on temporary duty at the American Embassy. She’s available to not only help me but other branches of the military with language and legal issues.

She tells me she’s happy, but I know better. I hear her crying late at night when she thinks I’m asleep. She might have her career back but the one thing she doesn’t have, the one thing I don’t seem to be able to give her is a child. We’ve tried everything there is short of what she calls extreme medical intervention. Mac refused to discuss it; she looks at the cost and says no. I can’t seem to make her understand I would pay anything to give her the child she so desperately wants and deserves. I’ve learned to cope with the mood swings caused by the hormones treatments; I support her by going to every medical appointment. The thing that is the hardest for me is her tears. She’s cried in my arms when her period starts, I’ve held her when the pain is like someone is taking a knife to her back. It’s the tears she sheds in silent, late at night that hurt the most. Knowing there is nothing I can do to stop them, there is no amount of holding, and there are no words of comfort to make them go away. Only a child will make those tears disappear.


Mac

After my accident at Christmas a few years ago I started looking at my life. Actually it was Dr. McCool that opened the door it just took me some time to go through it. One thing I was shocked to discover was in all my travels as a Marine I hadn’t stopped to explore the countries I was assigned to or worked in. I had seen plenty of foreign offices, and the inside of many cars, trucks, humvees and airports. My life had been all about work, the Marines. I wanted; no needed a change and Harmon Rabb offered it to me. Thanks to a coin toss, I was going to London and could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I was in love, and not just with my husband. Oh sure there were days I missed the courtroom and the military but they were outnumbered by the days I enjoyed sight seeing or a drive into the English countryside. An added bonus was the time spent making our little government house a home. I was even looking at touring a few archeological digs, who knew they were dinosaurs in England! I purposefully stayed away from Harm’s office, allowing him time to get his command under control, so the first time he asked me to meet him there I was reluctant. Little did I know he wanted me to work. If I had to admit to missing anything about my former life it was working with Harm that I missed the most. Well one day became two and before I knew it I was skipping the English countryside for meetings and my ‘digs’ were in the legal library. Next thing I knew General Creswell withdrew my separation papers and temporarily assigned me to the embassy.

I know I have disappointed my husband with my inability to conceive a child. He tries to hide it but I see how disappointed he is every month when my period starts. He bends over backwards to make sure I’m okay and I love him for it. I admit to keeping some things from him, the pain I’m in sometimes, the tears I shed in private. It just hurts too much to see his face when another month passes and I’m not pregnancy. I guess you could say I suffer in silence to protect the man I love. I’m not the only one keeping things to myself. I know he’s keeping things from me too. He’s been to the doctors with out me, hoping to discover something, anything he can do that would help. He searches the internet for stories on other couples with difficulties trying to conceive and how they over came them. He wants a child so desperately, a biological child and it pains me to know it might never happen. I think this is why I never pursued our relationship once my endometriosis was diagnosed; I didn’t want to disappoint him. He deserves a child, a son to carry on the Rabb family name. It’s just not going to happen and it makes me cry even more knowing I have let him down.

Harm

We’ve meet a several couples the short time we’ve been in London. One couple in particular, Jane and Jim Wright, have had us to their home a few times. They have a son they adopted when he was eight. I haven’t given up on a child we create, but I’ve started to contact a few agencies here just to explore the option of adoption. It won’t be easy, but I’m not discouraged. I have decided not to tell Mac until I have a definite lead. No sense in both of us being disappointed.

Mac

We have friends who have an adopted son, Tommy. We have been to their home a time or two. As usually after dinner it ends up with the ladies in the kitchen talking and the men either in the den or outside tossing the football with Tommy. Jane, like me, is unable to conceive a child. Talking about this with Jane is easy, I guess because we have it in common. I remember something Harriett once said about being pregnant; it was like collaborating with GOD. I mentioned it to Jane one evening and she told me that while she had never carried a child or given birth, the adoption of a child was a very special, moving experience. Opening your heart to a child that is not biologically yours, knowing that child was somehow selected just for you, placed in your hands to love and care for. It’s more than collaboration; it’s a partnership with GOD. I had never looked at it this way but she might be right. I might not be able to hold a child in my womb but I certainly have more than enough room to hold a child in my heart.


Harm

With today being a work holiday, the Wrights invited us to spend the day with them exploring the countryside, a little shopping for the ladies and a visit to a local airport for the men. Jim is a pilot and wants to open a few doors for me incase I get time to do some flying. We are stopping at a country inn for lunch, then a little sight seeing and arriving back in London around dusk. Now they tell us we need to make a short side trip. Jim and Jane are in the process of adopting a second child and they need to drop off some papers. Since the orphanage is in the general vicinity of where we are going they asked if we didn’t mind stopping. It would also give them a chance to “surprise” their future daughter. We couldn’t exactly say no, they invited us to spend the day with them and we are traveling in their car. Since they mentioned the short side trip Mac has been very quiet, I get worried when she’s quiet.


Mac

Jane mentioned adopting a daughter the last time we were together. I wish I had known about this little side trip. I might have gotten the courage to begin a conversation with Harm about adoption. I don’t know how to start this conversation. He was a strong father figure to Mattie, but that was just temporary. I know he wanted to adopt her and bring her to London. The courts said no and he was crushed. He made sure she was placed in a good rehabilitation center. I know he helps Jen so she can visit Mattie and he’s asked Bud to mentor her. But how would he feel about adopting a young child? Mattie was all but grown when she entered his life. What will his reaction be to the suggestion? Will he think I’ve given up on having a baby? I wish I knew. Because I don’t know, I’m quiet, hoping to discover the right words to begin this conversation.

Harm

Arriving at the children’s home, we wait by the car while Jim and Jane go inside to deliver the papers. I want to say something about adoption, I just don’t know what. How do I approach it? Will she be receptive to the idea or will it bring more tears reminding her of something she can’t have? Will she think I've given up on a baby altogether? Instead of speaking I wrap my arms around her and pull her close to me, I need her to know how much I love her. She lays her head on my chest and sighs. There has to be something we can do to make her dream come true.

The Wrights exit the building and motion for us to follow them; they are headed for the play yard. As we catch up they inform us they are going to surprise their “daughter”. All the papers are completed and once filed with the court she will be able to go home with them. They anticipate it to be only a few more weeks. We pass a few older kids and head toward a teacher that is watching the younger ones. She sees the Wrights, waves and calls to young girl who immediately comes running. She got blond hair, like Jane, and a smile a mile wide. Mac and I stop to stay in the background. The hugs are big and the kisses are even bigger. Why can’t I give this to Mac? Are we being punished? We served our country with pride, placing our private lives on hold to do it. I don’t ask for much, just this one thing.

My wife is no longer by my side. I see her standing next to the fence on the other side of the play yard and I move to get her. As I come closer I see she’s in an animated conversation with a little girl that appears to be about the same age as the Wright’s future daughter, around five years old. The little girl hand my wife a bouquet of flowers she has been picking. As their hands touch I hear a catch in Mac’s breath. It takes a moment for her to regain her composure. When she does; a smile crosses her face. Mac leans in, whispers to the little girl then turns and points to me. The girl is precious, with pretty golden brown hair and big brown eyes. She comes to stand before me and smiles as she hands me the flower and I feel it. I feel what I now see in my wife’s tear filled eyes. No longer tears of pain and disappointment, but tears of joy. Our hearts have been opened and filled at the same time; our lives have been forever changed, with the touch of a child.

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Replies:

[> usmgrad, what a heartwarming story. So glad I stopped in once more befor bed. Thanks for sharing. -- carramor, 22:35:31 09/07/13 Sat [1]


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[> Beautifully written, thanks for a lovely moment in time! -- JoyZ, 23:04:27 09/07/13 Sat [1]


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[> What a wonderful story. I would love for you to continue it. -- Shazam, 23:48:51 09/07/13 Sat [1]


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[> Please more...you can't leave us there!!! -- Debbi, 00:05:01 09/08/13 Sun [1]


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[> Very beautifully written. True Harm and Mac not talking to each other. It takes a child. Perfect. Can we get more of this story -- Beth, 07:44:29 09/08/13 Sun [1]


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[> just beautiful Usmgrad would love to see more of this story please -- Bev uk, 08:10:21 09/08/13 Sun [1]


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[> Lovely story and I always love ... -- Can Sheshe, 21:52:31 09/08/13 Sun [1]

reading post coin toss stories. Thank you so much usmgrad for all that you do for The Harmy Board, etc.


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[> Heart warming. -- achaon, 23:25:21 09/12/13 Thu [1]


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[> Beautiful, just beautiful. -- Nettie, 18:14:57 09/24/13 Tue [1]


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