But Gabs................. -- The Sanctuary

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> I was half-teasing -- DZR, 23:51:10 05/06/09 Wed [1] (83.157.142.100)

Of course building a relationship and getting to know someone are things men enjoy. It's just when you use the word "challenging" that wasn't what it made me think of. I went more to the "Jesus Christ she is driving me insane!" place.

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> Not at all! -- Gabs, 22:53:30 05/06/09 Wed [1] (83.222.159.52)

Fun means fun... with varying degress of intensity, that's all. ;)

Does my theory make sense from your masculine perspective? How do I attract sexy dorm guy???? :(

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> In all honesty I'm barely following what you guys are talking about -- DZR, 23:03:22 05/06/09 Wed [1] (83.157.142.100)

Attract sexy dorm guy for what? I mean it sounds like you attracted him perfectly well all on your own. Just do the same thing again! *shrug*

If "fun" means what I think you mean then I'm drawing a blank on why guys would have a problem with that. I mean obviously they might be hoping for more, but I can't see a guy who fancies you saying, "Nope, if you're not going to be my one true love then I'm not putting out."

Like I said, you chicks are confusing as hell. What is it about the "fun" that isn't working for you? I mean you said you just want to have fun, but fun was had, and it sounds like more fun could be had, but now you seem to want something else. Sometimes I am genuinely in awe of the fact that women manage to get anything done at all.

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> We are confusing, I'll admit -- Gabs, 23:21:03 05/06/09 Wed [1] (83.222.159.52)

I mean you said you just want to have fun, but fun was had, and it sounds like more fun could be had, but now you seem to want something else.

I'm annoyed with myself for being so silly but that's exactly the problem! After some fun was had, I got more interested in sexy dorm guy, but since I made myself so easily available he's only seeing me as a potential lay. Or would you think otherwise of some random girl you once took home, who then didn't even put out?

And it's the other way around - obviously the guys are looking to get laid and if I chose not to immediately jump their bones, they shrug and move on. Even if I'm okay with playing the field it's sort of annoying, especially when it happens with guys I genuinely like (sexy dorm guy)!

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Oh, I seeee -- DZR, 23:40:54 05/06/09 Wed [1] (83.157.142.100)

That old chestnut!

Well first of all lets be clear about things. (a) You didn't make yourself easily available to him, because you didn't put out. That's not to praise or blame that particular course of action, but it does challenge the description of yourself as "making [your]self so easily available to him". (It does also lead me to wonder whether you have an impoverished sense of fun! ;-) (b) You need to be careful about what attitudes you ascribe to guys on so little evidence. A guy apparently losing interest in you after failing to have sex with you despite apparently starting down that road could simply be looking for easy sex; but he could equally have assumed that you weren't that into him which is why you didn't want to have sex with him. I know I have no interest in flogging a dead horse, or wasting my time chasing after a girl who has given me a reason to think she's not interested.

So, things might not be exactly how you think they are.

But also, it seems that you have hit a bit of an impasse. You're reluctant to have sex with the guy without knowing before hand that he might stick around afterwards. But he probably doesn't know if he wants to stick around afterwards until your "relationship" (using the term loosely) at least gets to that point. I mean even if you date for a while without something more happening it will either fizzle out or collapse into friendship.

I think that the fact that the guy probably wants to sleep with you does not have to mean he's just looking for an easy lay. But if you have other solid reasons for thinking that that is all he wants from any women then you ought to be thinking a lot harder about why you would be so attracted to such a dirt bag.

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> On second thoughts ... -- DZR, 03:16:33 05/07/09 Thu [1] (83.157.136.13)

I can't sleep. It's really annoying. So I started browsing again, and realised I may have misunderstood you earlier.

When you said "Or would you think otherwise of some random girl you once took home, who then didn't even put out?" you could have been being rhetorical, and when you said "I made myself so easily available" you were saying that you did have sex with him, in which case sorry for getting completely the wrong end of the stick earlier.

So, if you did sleep with him first time, and now he doesn't seem interested in following up, you need to follow-up yourself.

I think I can only explain myself with an example about myself. I'm not saying any of this is true of you, or applies to how you behaved with this guy. This is autobiographical about me, but is the beginning of my best advice I can give on how you might get sexy dorm guy interested in you. (BTW, I don't like the name "sexy dorm guy" so from now on I'm going to call him "Patrick Bateman".) This is a description of something that sometimes happens to me. Not always, but this is a sort of pattern with people I date who I sleep with but don't end up going out with. I meet a girl I really fancy. This doesn't just mean I think she is good looking, it means she's fun, funny, seems cool, intelligent etc. But what is it I want initially, now I fancy her but don't really know her? [I hope after being this honest you guys will still speak to me.] Basically I want to know what she looks like naked and I want to have sex with her. I may want to get to know her better and all that stuff, but what is my primary motivation in asking her out for a date? Those two things. That, I am sad to say is the nature of (my) male desire. I will probably have to work quite hard to get her to come out on a date with me in the first place. If she agrees to go out on a date with me, chances are I will have to work hard on the date, and often she won't work hard at all. She thinks if he expects this to go anywhere he'd better impress me. So I try to be interested and interesting, witty, entertaining. I organise where we'll go, I try to show her places and things she might not have seen. She in the mean time is quite passive. If it goes well eventually, maybe after a few dates we sleep together. At which point my checkboxes are ticked. Seen her naked? Check. Had sex with her? Check. Trouble is I don't have any more checkboxes now. She didn't do anything to provide me with more. But she on the other hand has just decided to sleep with me because she now thinks I'm someone she probably would like to go out with more seriously. There is a total mismatch now in what either of us want.

Women I've gone out with have been the ones who have just been so bloody funny, so clever, so interesting, and so willing to interest me and be interesting to me, talk about what they're into, take me places I've never been before, that I can't wait until the next opportunity to see them.

So my advice if your situation is that you've already slept together but he doesn't seem that interested in more, is get him interested in more. You may have "checked his checkboxes" without having time to ensure you gave him some further reason to want to see you again. If he actually knew you better he very well might. He almost certainly still fancies you, and would probably like to sleep with you again (but may be concerned that more than once gives the wrong signal to someone he's not as yet that interested in going out with). So, you "bump into" him, flirt with him, let him know you wouldn't mind sleeping with him again, but then drag him out somewhere for a quiet drink first and then you make sure that he has so much fun, and such a fantastic time with you that he'll want to spend another evening with you. And that way you creep from a one-night stand to a two-night stand to going out. That would work with me, and I think most guys I know. Of course if he is a complete douche it wouldn't work, but then you shouldn't want to be with a douche anyway.

I guess the lesson is that withholding sex just to make him keep seeing you is pointless, but also having sex with someone before he's had a chance to get to know you at all may be a sure-fire way to not see him again. However, even in the latter case you can still turn it around, simply by engineering a situation in which he does get to know you.

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Ahaha, Darren what would I do without your masculine perspective? -- Gabs, 10:42:16 05/07/09 Thu [1] (83.222.159.52)

No, I didn't sleep with Patrick Bateman. ;) Thanks for the tips though.

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't turn down the offer of another night but he hasn't seemed interested beyond that, and I think he's a bit of a player. I'm not sure I really want to try getting him if the chances seem big that I'm only going to get hurt.. but we'll see.

Don't worry, I'm still speaking to you. ;) And I hope you got to sleep eventually!

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Wow, I just jabbered on and on, didn't I? -- DZR, 13:28:16 05/07/09 Thu [1] (212.198.136.138)

Put it down to sleep deprivation. I will add this though to my litany of probably unwanted advice: if you don't do things for fear of getting hurt you'll end up never doing anything at all, because everything worth doing has the chance of hurting you.

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[> [> [> [> [> [> She has a steady boyfriend she says she's in love with -- andypandy, 23:30:57 05/06/09 Wed [1] (82.30.76.72)

but she has also apparently fallen for her trainer at the gym so is sending out confusing messages to the pair of them, I've warned her if she's not careful she will end up upsetting both of them and end up with neither but every time we talk about it she ends up in tears and refuses to talk about it anymore. *sigh*

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> Oh dear... -- Gabs, 10:44:09 05/07/09 Thu [1] (83.222.159.52)

That sounds awfully familiar. If she really were in love with her boyfriend then she wouldn't have fallen for the trainer, right?

I really feel for her though, a year ago I was pretty much in the same place and it was super painful. I hope she figures it out!

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> True -- andypandy, 11:02:33 05/07/09 Thu [1] (161.112.232.36)

But when I pointed that out to her she got worked up again and said of course she loved him but couldn't help having feeling for the other guy too so I dropped it, no point in upsetting her unnecessarily, she's going to have to make her mind up eventually though.

Things were much easier when she was a tiny baby in her pram!!