| Subject: Episode Seven: Well...How Can We Manage to Screw This Up? |
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Date Posted: 20:39:34 11/09/01 Fri
EPISODE SEVEN: HOW CAN WE MANAGE TO SCREW THIS UP?
SCENE ONE: ASHE'S BACK YARD. ASHE, ELLIE, AND SAM ARE SITTING
AROUND A CAMPFIRE ROASTING HOTDOGS.
Sam
Ellie, remind me again why I came here
Ashe
Awe, come on, Sam, you know you love me
Sam
(POINTS HER STICK WITH A SHARPENED POINT AT ASHE)
I am going to pretend that you didn't say that
Ashe
You know, you say you hate me, but I know better. What would you do without me
Sam
Well, for starters I wouldn't be failing all my classes
Ashe
Hey, that wasn't my fault! Richard stole the book from Professor Campbell and YOU read
from it!
Sam
One minor detail
Ellie
Actually that was two...
Sam
(POINTS THE STICK AT ELLIE)
Whose side are you on?!
Ellie
Since when do I choose sides?
Ashe
Smart move, Sgt. Siding with the Colonel is always a good idea
Ellie
Oh my God, I thought you were done with this Team Bravo crap. Didn't you get it out of
your system during the war?!
Ashe
Nonsense
Sam
You're a delusional freak
Ashe
And that's why you love me
Sam
Dream on, freak
Ellie
Are you guys ever gonna stop fighting?
(SAM AND ASHE GLARE AT EACH OTHER)
That's what I thought. You two are probably still be arguing when we're 80
DREAM SEQUENCE ONE:
ASHE, RICHARD, AND SAM ARE IN AN OLD FOLKS HOME. ASHE AND RICHARD
ARE BOTH IN WHEEL CHAIRS. SAM IS SITTING IN A CHAIR, HER CAIN BY HER
SIDE.
Sam
I don't belong here
Ashe
Awe come on Sugar Lips...you know you like being here with me
Sam
Dream on freak
Richard
All your base are belong to...(STARTS COUGHING)
Ashe
How many times do I have to tell you to shut up!
(CHASES RICHARD AROUND THE ROOM. SAM SITS CALMLY)
Sam
I REALLY don't belong here
(SEES ELLIE ENTER THE ROOM. ELLIE IS STILL YOUNG)
Ellie, how nice of you to come and visit us...you're hear to free me right?
Ashe
Ellie, you look so....young. How'd that happen?
Ellie
I'm a witch
Ashe
(LAUGHS)
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! You were a science major...yes that's right, it's all
coming back to me. You probably discovered the cure to aging
Sam
You're gonna get me out of here, right?
Ellie
Sam, I'm your friend, so I feel that it is my duty to tell you this....you have been indoors for
quite sometime now...don't you think it's time that you took your sunglasses off?
Sam
Silence Witch! I'll decide when it's time to take my sunglasses off
Ashe
The light hurts your eye's, doesn't it?
Sam
(SHYLY)
Yes
Ellie
Sam, Sam, Sam...You could have remained young and health like me...if only you would have
paid for the cure...
Sam
I'm not going to pay YOU! I'd rather stay here
Ellie
Well, looks like you got your wish
Sam
(LOOKS AT ASHE WHO HAS A BIG SMIRK ON HIS FACE)
Ah hell
Ashe
See, I told you...you can't stay away from me
Richard
(LOOKS AT ELLIE)
How YOU doin' ?
Sam
Who put me here? I don't belong here!
END OF DREAM SEQUENCE ONE:
ASHE, ELLIE, AND SAM ARE STARING BLANKLY INTO THE FIRE WITH
DISGUSTED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES
Ellie
On second thought, we won't be friends that long
Ashe and Sam
No
Ashe's Mother
(FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE)
Ashe, another one of your friends is here
Ashe
What?
Richard
Hi guys
Ellie
Oh no...
Ashe
How did he find us?
(RICHARD SITS DOWN IN BETWEEN SAM AND ELLIE)
We should've let him shoot himself
(TO ELLIE)
But SOMEONE had to stop him
Ellie
I didn't want to live with the guilt
Ashe
So we all have to suffer?
(TO RICHARD)
Why are you here?
Richard
I know something you don't know
Ashe
The reason for your existence?
Richard
I was looking through the school records....
Ellie
You were what?!
Ashe
Whose did you read?
Richard
Sam's...
(LOOKS AT SAM)
How YOU doin' ?
Ashe
What about her?
Richard
She was a team player...
Ashe
What?
Ellie
Oh, I know what he's talking about now...it's no big deal...but kind of an odd sport for Sam to
participate in....that is, if you call it a sport...
Ashe
(LOOKS AT SAM WHO IS GIVING ELLIE A "SPEAK AND YOU'LL DIE" LOOK)
What are they talking about?
Sam
Nothing. It was a long time ago
Richard
I think Ashe needs to know the truth, Sam
Sam
No, he doesn't
Ashe
What the hell happened?!
Richard
Sam was a...
Sam
Nothing! It's between me and Ellie
(GLARES AT RICHARD)
And it was supposed to stay that way, no thanks to you
Ashe
What is it, Richard? What is it boy?
Sam
Richard, no!
Richard
(GETTING IMPATIENT)
Oh, but I gotta tell...this is eating me alive
Ashe
Richard, I order you to reveal Sam's deep dark secret
Richard
Sam was captain of the cheerleading squad in junior high and high school
(SAM HID HER FACE, AND ASHE SAT WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN LOOKING BACK
AND FORTH BETWEEN SAM AND ELLIE)
Ashe
(TO ELLIE)
You knew about this, and you didn't tell me?! Do you realize all of the jokes I could have
made with this one vital piece of information?!
Ellie
Oh calm down, everyone has one deep dark secret that no one knows about
Richard
That's true, Ashe
Ashe
Oh yeah, then what's yours?
Richard
Well...
DREAM SEQUENCE TWO:
RICHARD'S HIGH SCHOOL CHEMISTRY CLASS
Teacher
Richard, how is Ammonia made?
Richard
By a catalytic reaction of nitrogen, air, and hydrogen
Teacher
How is sodium hydroxide made?
Richard
Electrolysis of aqueous NaCl
Teacher
Formaldehyde?
Richard
Oxidation of methanol
Teacher
What is the atomic weight of Lead?
Richard
207.2
Teacher
Very good...What is the atomic weight of Gold?
Richard
196.967
Teacher
Excellent Richard
(SEES THE PRINCIPLE AT THE DOOR OF THE CLASS ROOM)
Excuse me for one moment
Principle
(SPEAKS TO TEACHER PRIVATELY)
Well?
Teacher
He's the brightest student I've ever seen. I've never met anyone who can recite everything
there is to know about the elements and their compounds
Principle
He's a genius
Teacher
However, he does have one flaw
Principle
That's nothing to be ashamed of, every man has a flaw
Teacher
Well, this one is a pretty significant flaw
Principle
Well, what is it?
Teacher
I'll show you
(REENTER THE CLASS ROOM)
Richard
Richard
Yes, sir?
Teacher
Richard, I...
Richard
(SEES A JEEP DRIVE BY THE WINDOW)
JEEP!!!
(RICHARD RUNS AND LEAPS OUT THE WINDOW)
Teacher
(TO PRINCIPLE)
I rest my case
END OF DREAM SEQUENCE TWO:
SAM, ASHE, AND ELLIE ARE ALL STARING AT RICHARD, SHOCKED.
Ashe
I don't believe it
Ellie
Richard is a genius
Sam
That, or he just tests well...
Ashe
Wait, wait...I don't think I'm buying this story. Nice try, Richard. You're clever, but not
clever enough....Atomic weight of Silver?
Richard
107.87
(ASHE STARES AT RICHARD FOR A MINUTE AND THEN RUNS INTO THE HOUSE)
Sam
Where's he going?
Ellie
He's going to look it up
Sam
Couldn't he just ask you? YOU'RE the science major...
(SAM LOOKS AT ELLIE WHO IS GIVING HER A "GET REAL" LOOK)
...You don't know do you?
Ellie
No. I may be a science major, but I'm not a geek
Sam
Well that remains to be seen...which brings up and interesting question, what is YOUR secret
Ellie?
Ashe
(RETURNS TO HIS SEAT)
Ok, I don't know how he did it, but that was right. So what did I miss?
Sam
Ellie was just about to tell us her deep dark secret
Ashe
Oh right, Ellie have a secret? Please.
Ellie
I've got a deep dark secret
Ashe
Yeah, and we know what it is too...You took LSD in the sixties
Ellie
Which I have no memory of, so it really can't be MY deepest darkest secret
Sam
She does have a point
Richard
Do you hear that?
Ashe
Hear what?
Richard
That noise...
Sam
I don't hear anything
Richard
It's coming from over....THERE!
(HE JUMPS UP AND TAKES OFF SHOUTING)
JEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!
Sam
Well, that was....hey wait, Ellie never told us her secret
Ashe
I'm telling you, she doesn't have one
Ellie
What makes you think that I don't have any deep dark secrets?
Ashe
Ellie, please, I could tell from the first minute I met you that you have no deep dark secrets
Ellie
Really
Ashe
Yes
Ellie
From the first minute you met me...
Sam
I feel another flash back coming on...
DREAM SEQUENCE THREE:
ELLIE AND ASHE ARE IN MARLA'S ROOM GETTING READY TO WATCH A MOVIE.
MARLA IS SAM AND ELLIE'S NEIGHBOR. ASHE IS LAYING ON ELLIE'S LAP ON
MARLA'S BED.
Ellie
So, Marla, what movie are we going to watch?
Marla
Actually we're not going to watch a movie
Ellie
Say what?
Ashe
So what are we watching then?
Marla
WWF Rawl
Ellie
What?! You know I don't watch any of that crap. It's all fake...
Marla
I know, but it was the only way I could get you out of your room and be socialable...all you
ever do is study
Ellie
Well, that's what I came to college for
Marla
Whatever....okay, it's on
(TEN MINUTES GO BY)
Ashe
(LOOKS UP AT ELLIE FROM HER LAP)
I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met
Ellie
No we haven't
Ashe
Well, considering the fact that I've been laying on you for over ten minutes now, I think I
should introduce myself
Ellie
That'd be nice
Ashe
My name is Ashe
(REACHES UP TO SHAKE HER HAND)
Ellie
I'm Ellie
(SHAKES HIS HAND)
Ashe
We'll be sleeping together tonight
Ellie
(SHRUGS)
Ok, I live next door
Ashe
Excellent
TWO HOURS LATER:
ELLIE RETURNS TO HER ROOM FOLLOWED BY ASHE. SAM IS SITTING AT HER
COMPUTER. ELLIE SITS DOWN ON HER BED AND ASHE SITS NEXT TO HER.
Ellie
What are you doing?
Ashe
What? You agreed to sleep with me
Ellie
Well, I don't know if you noticed, but I was dosing on and off over there, and you were
laying on me, so I think that constitutes us sleeping together
Ashe
On the contrary, I didn't fall asleep
Ellie
Didn't you? I seem to recall Marla yelling at the both of us to wake up
Ashe
I was simply inspecting the inside of my eye lids
(ASHE MOVES CLOSER TO ELLIE)
Ellie
What do you think you're doing?
Ashe
Don't tell me you didn't think I was serious?
(PAUSES)
You did...you don't believe that I would sleep with you right now?
Ellie
Not at all
Ashe
You don't believe that I would have sex with you right here, right now, right in front of your
roommate...
Sam
What?
(SEES ASHE)
Who are you?
Ashe
I'm...
Sam
No, you know what...I don't even want an answer. Get out of my room!
Ashe
It's Ellie's room too
Ellie
Actually it's not...
Sam
I'm older, therefore it's my room...I just let Ellie stay here
Ashe
Harsh
Sam
Get out of my room!!
END OF DREAM SEQUENCE THREE
Ashe
(SMILING AT ELLIE)
I always knew you wanted me from the start
Ellie
Me? You were the one who was hitting on me
Ashe
I bet to differ
Ellie
You were the one who made the statement "we will be sleeping together tonight" not a
question...a statement
Sam
He gave you his first order...
Ellie
I do think it's funny that Sam's first words to you were "get out"
Ashe
Yes, but that's before she got to know me and my charming self
Sam
Charming?
Ashe
You know you love me
Sam
Excuse me while I throw up
Ellie
Sam, when did you get the honor of actually meeting Ashe?
Sam
Hmm, I shudder to think
DREAM SEQUENCE FOUR:
Ellie
So, Sam, are you coming to dinner with us?
Sam
Us?
Ellie
Marla, Betsy, Ashe, and me
Sam
Ashe, who's Ashe?
Ellie
Well, remember that guy that came in here last week...
Sam
Oh, him...the horny one
Ellie
That's him. He's coming too
Sam
Ok I'll go...but only because I'm hungry and I don't have anymore food in here
DINNER TABLE:
ASHE, SAM, ELLIE, MARLA, AND BETSY ARE ALL SITTING AT A ROUND TABLE
LISTENING TO ASHE RAMBLE ON AND ON ABOUT A STORY THAT HE MADE UP.
SAM, SITS WITH A HORRIFIED LOOK ON HER FACE. MARLA, BETSY, AND ELLIE
ARE ABOUT TO BURST OUT LAUGHING. EVERYONE BUT SAM AND ASHE BEGIN
TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
Ashe
(SERIOUSLY)
It's not funny
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
Why are you laughing? It's not funny
Marla
We just wanna know where you're pulling this out of
Ashe
(SEES SAM'S HORRIFIED FACE)
See, Samantha understands that it's not funny
Sam
It's Sam. And It's not that I don't think it's funny, it's that I never thought I'd meet some one
who is so mentally disturbed
Ashe
That hurt...I thought at least you would support me
Sam
I don't even know you!
Ashe
Yes you do...what's my name?
Sam
Soot
Ashe
Ashe...Soot...Funny, she's very funny
Sam
Ellie, remind me again why I came here
Ellie
You were hungry
Sam
Oh yeah. At least I know when we're done here...I won't have to see this delusional freak
anymore
END OF DREAM SEQUENCE FOUR:
SAM IS GLARING AT ASHE
Sam
I never did get my wish that night
Ashe
You were drawn to me
Sam
You make me ill
(PAUSES)
Hey, wait...Ellie never told us her secret
(TO ASHE)
This time shut up and let her tell it!
Ellie
I don't know what you're talking about
Ashe
See, Sam, like I said before, Ellie has no deep dark secrets
Sam
Yes she does...she said so herself. And she was going to tell us if you hadden't interrupted
Ashe
Yeah, I remember you saying that...so dish the dirt
Ellie
Alright...I'm a witch
(SILENCE. THEN ASHE AND SAM START LAUGHING)
What? What's so funny? I'm serious
Ashe
Right, okay, you're a witch...and I'm really from Krypton
Ellie
I really am a witch
Ashe
Oh yeah, so what's with all the christian talk? And the bible camp stories?
Ellie
It's not bible camp, it's Creation
Ashe
See, that's exactly what I'm talking about
Ellie
It's all a cover up
Ashe
What?
Sam
So...it really is the quiet ones you have to worry about
Ashe
So...a witch...
Ellie
That's right
Ashe
Prove it
Ellie
What?
Ashe
You heard me...so prove it. Turn this camp fire into ice
Ellie
I can't...I don't have powers like that
Ashe
Uh huh...that's what I thought. Nice try, Ellie, but I'm not buying the whole witch thing.
Unless you can prove it, you'll still be innocent little Ellie who goes to Bible Camp every
year
Ellie
Fine, don't believe me. Just don't piss me off
Ashe
Or what? I might spontaneously combust?
Ellie
(SHRUGS)
Maybe
Sam
So...Ashe, what's your deepest, darkest secret? You're the only one left
Ashe
I don't have any
Ellie
Yeah right
Ashe
Seriously. I don't have any secrets...I tell you two everything
Sam
He's got a point. He does tell us everything...even when we don't want him to
(ASHE'S MOM COMES OUTSIDE TO WATER HER FLOWERS)
Oh my God...I never called my mom
Ellie
What?
Sam
We've been missing for six weeks, and I never called my mom to let her know that I'm ok
(STANDS UP)
I'll be back...I need to make a phone call
(SAM LEAVES)
Ashe's Mom
So, what are you two kids doing out here?
Ellie
Not much...just telling our deepest darkest secrets...But Ashe doesn't have one, it kinda
spoiled the moment
Ashe's Mom
Sure he does
Ashe
No I don't, Mom. I tell Ellie and Sam everything
Ashe's Mom
Well did you tell her about your brother?
Ashe and Ellie
Brother?!
Ashe's Mom
Yes. (SEES ASHE'S STUNNED EXPRESSION)...Oh come on Ashe, I'm sure I've told you
about your older brother
Ashe
No! No, you didn't!
Ashe's Mom
Sure I did. He's you're half brother
Ellie
Care to elaborate?
Ashe's Mom
(TO ELLIE)
Before Ashe's father and I were married, Ashe's father had a fling in California. Their son,
Alec, was the result. The woman he had the fling with, kept the son.
Ellie
Really...so where is Alec now?
Ashe's Mom
Oh he's some big actor now
Ellie
Wait...is his last name Martin?
Ashe's Mom
Yes, Alec Martin
Ashe
You know who he is
Ellie
Of course...he's only Sam's favorite actor on her favorite soap, General Docks. He plays the
son of Larry and Lonna Stewart...the famous couple
Ashe
And that is supposed to mean something to me
Ellie
Sam has been wanting to meet him for a long time
Ashe's Mom
Would you like to meet him?
Ellie
Yes, I'd love to meet a famous actor
Ashe
No you don't...she really doesn't want to meet him...she's just being polite. It's ok, Ellie, you
don't have to say that
Ellie
I don't know what you're talking about. I really do want to meet him
Ashe's Mom
Well, Alec sent me some plane tickets a week ago. He wanted to reunite with Ashe, his
father, and me. But you know what, I think it would be more fun for Ashe, if he took his
two friends with him instead
Ashe
No it wouldn't...
Ellie
Really?
Ashe's Mom
Sure...I'll go get the tickets
(SHE LEAVES)
Ashe
I don't believe it. I have a brother, and my mom simply neglected to tell me about it
Ellie
Hollywood! Ashe, we're going to Hollywood!
Ashe
Are you even listening to me? I don't want to go to Hollywood. If my brother was too good
to come here to meet me, then I'm sure not going to Hollywood to meet him
Ellie
Would you listen to yourself?! You're passing up an opportunity for your Mom to pay for
you to go to Hollywood!
(SAM RE-ENTERS)
Sam
Okay, what'd I miss?
Ashe
Nothing...nothing at all
Ellie
Ashe's Mom is giving us plane tickets to Hollywood to meet the cast of General Docks
Sam
Don't joke about that, Ellie
Ellie
I'm serious
Ashe
She's serious
Sam
I don't believe it! Ashe, I take back every bad thing I ever said to you...at least until we get
back from Hollywood
Ashe
Thanks...I think
Sam
I can't wait to meet the cast of General Docks! Especially Alec Martin
Ashe
Great...
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