Re: Ordinary loneliness -- The PM Refugees' Forum

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Date Posted: 01:23:02 08/18/08 Mon
Author: Michael
Subject: Re: Ordinary loneliness
In reply to: Roger 's message, "Ordinary loneliness" on 23:47:39 08/17/08 Sun

Hi Roger

Im really sorry you are feeling like this at the moment. I guess part of it may be the fact of retirement when a huge life change happens, a huge shift in how people, including yourself (perhaps mostly your self) evaluate you. Im not retired myself yet, but I have certainly seen enough colleauges go through what was clearly a very painful adjustment.

As to not having true friends, I think this is particularly a bloke thing. We dont open up, so we keep people who colud be close friends at arms length, then later regret it. It seems to me that you are probably a person who would listen patiently, kindly and with understanding to other people when they are in difficulty, but maybe the reverse is not true.
As to being invited over to watch a game or go for a beer or something, again its always tricky to move acquaintences into friends. Have you invited them? Im guessing probably not, I know how I am. I am getting better at coming straight out with the 'come over and .........' And am ready for the 'no thanks, I cant because......' or the 'yes, but...........' which is a yes that never happens 'cos they got better things to do. Its like asking a person out - not wanting rejection so we dont ask - and learn that that is worse than rejection in the end.

Sorry, Im making such huge assumptions which may well be wrong. Feel free to say so. But it just seems to me that you come across on this forum as a kind, caring, interesting guy, and others may well welcome spending more time with you, but you have not created the opportunity.

>My thoughts are a bit in turmoil, and I am probably
>not going to say everything that is relevant to the
>way I have been feeling lately, so if this is a bit
>disorganized, just bear with/ignore/make fun of me as
>you see fit.
>
>Since I retired, I have spent the bulk of my spare
>time doing things about the house, as I can. I'm not
>a fast worker, and I don't do carpentry or plumbing
>for a living, but in the last few months I have
>installed new kitchen cabinets, reconstructed our fish
>pond, sorted the deck, built a couple of projects for
>my daughter's new condo. This week, the drain rotted
>out in the bathroom sink, and because I'm not a
>terribly good plumber, things kept breaking in
>chain-reaction fashion, so I replaced the drain, then
>the valves under the counter went south, and took the
>taps with them, and finally, one if the glue joints in
>the ABS piping, which was not part of the original
>problem, is now leaking.
>
>In addition, I am installing five new doors upstairs,
>something I do well, but not quickly. I've done three,
>and one is on special order, so I don't have it yet.
>
>So when my wife came home at 8:00 three nights ago (a
>night when I had crawled out from under the sink with
>new taps, a new valve, and a newly resealed drain all
>completed, and the job finished as I thought, and I
>completely knackered,) and she immediately complained
>that I hadn't put the mouthwash, etc., back under the
>sink, I just exploded and finally left the house for
>about three hours before coming home and quietly
>sitting in the yard reading a book I'd bought...
>
>Anyway, next day I installed the first of the doors,
>to no comment from anybody. and continued on Friday at
>what is beginning to be a thankless (literally) task.
>
>Now, I'm not writing this to complain about my wife,
>who is a good person with many admirable traits. I've
>realized I don't really have anywhere to turn to.
>
>I've never been good at making friends, and I can
>really name only one in the same city I live in. This
>is someone I can really discuss this kind of thing
>with, but we only see each other once or twice a
>month. There are countless people who think well of
>me, but no friends. My priest is not my friend,
>although we share common goals and ideals. Some people
>at church probably refer to me as a friend, but nobody
>asks me to come over and watch the game. Or to listen
>to an opera, for that matter.
>
>I wouldn't want to burden a new friend with my woes,
>anyway. At the moment, I am feeling so isolated that I
>would consider hiring someone to just come along with
>me while I install my doors, do plumbing, replace trim
>in the kitchen go to the hardware store, and help me
>pick up afterwards, just so I wouldn't be doing all
>this shit alone.
>
>Right now, it's only the pills that are keeping me
>from falling into a hole. I'm just going to go take a
>pill to put myself to sleep. Got doors to do tomorrow.

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Replies:

Re: Ordinary loneliness -- Paul, 21:55:58 08/18/08 Mon