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Date Posted: 23:47:39 08/17/08 Sun
Author: Roger
Subject: Ordinary loneliness

My thoughts are a bit in turmoil, and I am probably not going to say everything that is relevant to the way I have been feeling lately, so if this is a bit disorganized, just bear with/ignore/make fun of me as you see fit.

Since I retired, I have spent the bulk of my spare time doing things about the house, as I can. I'm not a fast worker, and I don't do carpentry or plumbing for a living, but in the last few months I have installed new kitchen cabinets, reconstructed our fish pond, sorted the deck, built a couple of projects for my daughter's new condo. This week, the drain rotted out in the bathroom sink, and because I'm not a terribly good plumber, things kept breaking in chain-reaction fashion, so I replaced the drain, then the valves under the counter went south, and took the taps with them, and finally, one if the glue joints in the ABS piping, which was not part of the original problem, is now leaking.

In addition, I am installing five new doors upstairs, something I do well, but not quickly. I've done three, and one is on special order, so I don't have it yet.

So when my wife came home at 8:00 three nights ago (a night when I had crawled out from under the sink with new taps, a new valve, and a newly resealed drain all completed, and the job finished as I thought, and I completely knackered,) and she immediately complained that I hadn't put the mouthwash, etc., back under the sink, I just exploded and finally left the house for about three hours before coming home and quietly sitting in the yard reading a book I'd bought...

Anyway, next day I installed the first of the doors, to no comment from anybody. and continued on Friday at what is beginning to be a thankless (literally) task.

Now, I'm not writing this to complain about my wife, who is a good person with many admirable traits. I've realized I don't really have anywhere to turn to.

I've never been good at making friends, and I can really name only one in the same city I live in. This is someone I can really discuss this kind of thing with, but we only see each other once or twice a month. There are countless people who think well of me, but no friends. My priest is not my friend, although we share common goals and ideals. Some people at church probably refer to me as a friend, but nobody asks me to come over and watch the game. Or to listen to an opera, for that matter.

I wouldn't want to burden a new friend with my woes, anyway. At the moment, I am feeling so isolated that I would consider hiring someone to just come along with me while I install my doors, do plumbing, replace trim in the kitchen go to the hardware store, and help me pick up afterwards, just so I wouldn't be doing all this shit alone.

Right now, it's only the pills that are keeping me from falling into a hole. I'm just going to go take a pill to put myself to sleep. Got doors to do tomorrow.

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