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| Subject: Journal Entry 10/30/07 | |
Author: Christine | [ Next Thread |
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] Date Posted: 08:12:12 10/30/07 Tue I type all sorts of reminders to myself. Don't forget this, don't forget that. My mind is a steel trap unto itself. Sometimes. Sometimes it is just the mush between seeing and hearing life as it rushes by. My sister, Ilsa, and I have been at odds with each other for the last 5 years. She was the driving force in a multitude of negative comings and goings in relation to my mother's will as well as the instigator of the lawsuit to tear apart the trust fund for mom's grandchildren that I set up. We clash all the time. She has issues with me stemming from our childhood. I look at her and think...damn, grow up already. I think she did last Friday night. And it was the hardest way possible. Ilsa is grieving. She has withdrawn from everyone and everything. Shut herself off from her husband and remaining 2 daughters. Can't say that I blame her, even if it is a bit selfish - but grieving can be selfish. If I lost 2 children within six months I'd probably see the deep end of some dark place. Hell, I look at Peeps and think, omg - if it were you I'd be a crazed bitch from hell moreso than I am now...there would be no end to my grief if I lost Peeps. I know that. I've lost children before so I know that this kind of grief just takes you away, but if it were Peeps..... There is a part of me that would like to take the pain away from Ilsa and then there is a part of me that recoils, knowing that I don't want to be there in that space again....and I know that whenever she emerges (and she will - she's strong like me) she'll be there to help the rest of her family. For now, grief is compartmentalized, fragmented and personally owned. It is a deep well that we have when we love with everything we are. We stuff people in there, their essences and just swirl in the mix all those moments of tenderness, anger, joy, love. It's a constant mix that never ends and never empties - even when those people climb out and away from us. We are left with the best part of them - it's the gift we give ourselves. It's the gift they give us. We stuff everyone we know in this deep well...(I know I do)...some people reserve the well to only those that come close enough to their true heart - those that they think deserve it. I look at it this way, who I am to question whether or not people deserve love? I am the God/dess of my own deep well and there is no limit to my love. Of course, I can smote an asshole here and there, even boot them out of my deep well...but their essence remains (lysoled and hung out to dry) because everyone deserves love even if they don't know it. Yeah, I'm a mush ball. Despite all the crap my sister had done and given me, I still love her. I've been disappointed in the woman she became, but we still have threads between us that tie us together. Those family threads. I used to think that I cut them to survive, but I see that I just threw them over the side of my well and lysoled the shit out of them and pulled them back in when the time was right. Does this all mean something? Yes, but it is more privately owned by me than I originally thought. I grieve for my two nieces, I grieve for my sister and her family. But I still love. And as Andy always says, "that sits well with me". *Smile* In my deep well of love. ctd [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: Journal Entry 10/30/07 | |
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Author: andy [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:30:49 10/30/07 Tue It might not be the time to tell you this but, I feel the need and knowing me as you do you know I must say what I must say. The best part of you is in your words where you reveal who you are inside. Your soul barometer is loud here. You have a deep and caring heart. I wish for you the strength you need right now to grieve as well as take care of your sister and daughter. I'm glad you left this journal entry here. It says much about you beyond the expressed words of a great tragedy. My biggest and tightest hugs are yours. andy    |
| [> Subject: Re: Journal Entry 10/30/07 | |
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Author: Tammy [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:37:43 10/30/07 Tue (((Christine))) There is ALWAYS room for love, but also room for caution. And in expressing your true self here, I can see the depths of that "well" of yours, much like my own, yet, I know you have pain over things, but can see the greater gifts in this as well. In hardships we gain strength. I seem to bring many into my well, and very few into my inner well. There are many layers to every person, and each oversees who get's in and who does not. For the most part though, I love everyone, and tend to see the potential good in everyone, and then I am saddened when they choose not to shine their beautiful light, but instead cower in the darkness, never finding peace and true light or love. Some journeys can only be travelled by one traveller. Love with all your being, love with all of your heart, love with all of your soul, be the God/ess and discern when to move forward and when to sit idley back. Your inner voice will guide you. Sending blessings, love and prayers your way. Big wonderful hearthugs to you, Tammy |
| [> Subject: Re: Journal Entry 10/30/07 | |
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Author: Sasha [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:24:24 10/31/07 Wed ~ (((((((Chris)))))) it's all been said already... just know that there is a healing candle burning here, for you and yours may peace, love, and healing, be yours... so mote it be Blessed Be Sash xxx |
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