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Date Posted: 20:37:48 11/15/16 Tue
Author: Poppy B.
Subject: Advice on dealing with uncooperative husband

Hey all. I've been reading this forum and being inspired for some time now, but have never posted. However, I think that you all might be able to offer me some good advice. I'm a mother of one, my son Dylan. My husband Chad and I agreed before we got pregnant that we only wanted one, and we're sticking to that. I started introducing Dylan to feminine things very early. I started painting his nails as soon as he stopped constantly having his fingers in his mouth, starting putting bows and headbands in his hair when his hair was long enough at about 9 months, and had 3 hand-me-down dresses for him before he was one.

Why did I start doing these things? Really, there was no plan or motivation in the beginning other than that it came naturally to me. I'm a very feminine woman and passing along some of that femininity to my offspring came as naturally as breastfeeding. But Dylan just recently turned 4 years old, and as he's grown older, as I've thought about things more, my motivation has evolved into something tangible. I'm partly motivated by the noble cause of wanting to expose my son to feminine things, so that they won't be strange or foreign to him and so that he'll always be more understanding of the women in his life. But I've also come to admit to myself that some of my motivation is selfish. I desperately wanted a daughter, a child I could completely relate to and who I could first help to have a wonderful girlhood, and who I could later rear to be a fierce-yet-feminine young woman, and, as selfish as it might be, it brings me enormous joy to have Dylan fill that role, even if only part time. One thing to make perfectly clear is that Dylan is happy and enjoying all of this. Above all, I love my son and the day that he decides he wants short hair or no longer wants to wear dresses, we will do exactly that. I'll hate it, but I will not force him to do something he doesn't want to do.

Anyway, back to my issue. My husband Chad has never really been thrilled about my guiding Dylan towards feminine things, but he initially tolerated it with little more than an eye roll when he found his son with pink nails or in a toddler dress. However, things have gotten a bit more heated as Dylan has gotten older. The major reason is that, Dylan is now a very willing and active participant in his own feminine explorations. He very much loves spending time with me, doing girl things. He loves having his hair and nails done, wearing dresses, watching Disney princess movies, and has at least 2 Barbies mingled in with his Star Wars. We also moved last year and are now only a half hour drive from my sister who has a 7 year old daughter, so Dylan has a constant supply of hand-me-downs now. My sister also completely approves of these explorations and we'll often retreat to her house for an afternoon or weekend day so that Dylan can be a girl with his cousin who loves teaching Dylan the ins and outs of being a girl.

However, it probably won't surprise many of you that my husband is growing more and more resentful of Dylan's girlish explorations. I think that part of this growing resentment is nothing more than kowtowing to classic gender stereotypes, but I think another part is that he wanted a son as much as I wanted a daughter, and I think he feels like this is robbing him of that. However, so far he hasn't really made a huge issue of things and whenever we've disagreed, he's caved in. Him letting me call the shots isn't really a surprise. While I wouldn't call myself "dominant", I have always been the more assertive member of our marriage. I bring in more income and am definitely the primary decision-maker on most things, so when a disagreement has sprung up, he's always given in. The thing that he's complained about most steadily has been Dylan's hair. Understand, Dylan’s hair is gorgeous and my pride and joy. It's thick, stick straight, and a gorgeous glossy chestnut color. Right now, we're keeping it down at mid-back, about 10" below his shoulders. Dylan loves his pretty hair too and he gets constant compliments on it, even from my mother in law who objects to me treating him like a girl, but who also admits that she wouldn't cut his hair either :) But his hair is a huge source of bonding for us. We’re constantly brushing, braiding, doing all sorts of ponys or pigtails, and while he hates sitting still to have his hair curled, he always loves how it looks, though it won’t hold curl for more than an hour without gross amounts of product. But most recently, the subject of controversy, and the thing that may end up being a real argument is that I had Dylan’s ears pierced. I didn’t do it in secret or anything. Chad knew I was doing it, and Dylan even asked for it. Of course, Chad has his ears pierced too, so once Dylan said he wanted his ears pierced like his daddy, then the argument was over. But I can tell that Chad is really not pleased about it. It doesn’t help that Dylan wants to show them off to everyone, and I admit that I already bought the cutest pair of heart-shaped earrings that we’ll put in as soon as the piercing studs come out. But I’m afraid that Chad might blow up before then.

But this has turned into a novel. I didn’t intend to write this much, but it’s been kind of cathartic for me to sit and write things out. But now comes the question. Does anyone have experience dealing with husbands who aren’t thrilled with your feminine sons? Or wives for those husbands out there? The last thing I’ll say is that, even though I’m not exactly painting Chad in a favorable light here, he and I love each other earnestly and intently, so any suggestions of “why don’t you leave him” or some such are really not what I’m looking for. Truth be told, if I really thought that all of this would create a permanent rift between Chad and myself, I’d take Dylan to have his hair cut tomorrow. But I’m looking for a slightly more elegant solution. Any advice?

And really, if anyone wants to talk in general about anything, please let me know. Like I said, I’ve been lurking on this group on and off for a while, so I’d welcome the chance to become part of the group!

Poppy

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