Author:
Patterson James, Sr. to Helen
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Date Posted: 11:46:54 01/09/13 Wed
In reply to:
Helen
's message, "Helen for Pat" on 21:26:55 01/08/13 Tue
It was good to hear from you. Through the boys, I was made aware of the situation in your family. Sadly, it occurs all too often. Please be assured of our prayers for your family and, especially for your estranged husband.
Yes, I do agree with and use spanking. However, it is not necessarily the only tool in our discipline box. In my case, Caleb has not been spanked in way over a year. Benji still needs and gets spanking. Mark (who is now legally ours through adoption!!) is probably done with spanking. He has really matured. PJ is an enigma. He is 16 and a wonderful boy. He just gets in these rebellious and childish stages and does stuff he knows better than to do. Then he is so very sorry and is totally cooperative with getting spanked for it. But, spanking was NOT working for him. He was too quick to see it as a reset button. On the advice of a friend, I have stopped spanking him. I have found since he has NOT been spanked that his behavior is much better.
OK, if I may be blunt. Marcus' problem is he is 14. I don't think PJ sat comfortably for his entire 14th year. With Caleb, his age was 13. At 13, I think I was spanking Caleb on a weekly basis for a while. Sadly, that was the WRONG response. It is hard to explain. I feel that sometimes we may spank too frequently and it looses its effectiveness. I should have been more in tune with changes in mind and body and developed consequences that addressed behavior but also taught and modeled appropriate expectations while considering physical changes. Hormones wreak havoc with younger teen boys. As parents we have to understand that. It doesn't mean we excuse everything but we must realize that, frankly, they just can't help some things. Sadly, I resorted to spanking as the be all answer. It will take patience. I assume Marcus is getting mouthy with you and maybe even speaks to you in a way you consider disrespectful.
For a couple of times ask him to stop and think about how and what he said to you. Then ask him nicely to please rephrase his words to you. When that doesn't work (noticed I said "when" not "if") ignore him. He will need or want something from you eventually. Just totally ignore him. (Unless of course he is sick or in danger.) "Mom, I'm hungry. What's for dinner?" Ignore him. Don't answer. You know and he knows he will be fed. Essentially stop talking to him. In short order, he will ask you why. You may then explain that since he cannot speak to you appropriately that you decided to not speak to him at all. Then agree to reopen communication with his agreement that he will engage brain before using mouth. Karen also found that having the boys suck on a clean rag with Dawn dish detergent on it for a few minutes worked wonders as well.
Max is a sweet boy. Boys his age are trouble magnets. I am also sure he is taking some cues from Marcus. But, Max is also very smart. He has probably realized that a spanking, while painful, is over and done quickly.
Am I saying don't spank your boys? NO!!
The issue now is that due to your family circumstances, you have cut off most all discipline. So, sure, they are starting to feel they can do as they please.
Sit down, and establish some rules. I even suggest writing them down. This is stuff all three of you agree are the rules. Then establish consequences for breaking those rules. I would say use some non-physical things. I find write-offs or copying from the dictionary works well. Early bed time and privilege loss work well. Be careful of grounding unless you can supervise it - they will sneak around on you. It is easy to lock up a computer or a bike or take the TV cables but you can't lock up the boy. But as you make your list of rules and consequences you will be amazed at their input on punishment. They will be more creative and harder than you think. Please be careful of limiting social interaction, they need that now. Spanking is reserved for blatant deliberate disobedience, safety issues, and theft and lying. Those are inexcusable and are totally in the boys' control. When you spank Marcus please be aware of his development. I might suggest using a paddle or belt on him OVER his underwear. It will hurt the same or more but it will maintain his modesty. Max can probably still take it bare.
I hope my ramblings helped.
Please let me know.
I rarely come here but i will know to check in regularly now. Please stay in touch. I will also be willing to answer specific questions the boys or you may have.
BTW, we finally had a girl! Elizabeth Grace (Beth) was bron November 5.
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