Concerned about my son -- Spank with Love

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Subject: Concerned about my son

Author:
Concerned Mom

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Date Posted: 07:35:32 10/07/12 Sun

Hi,

New here and would have started an intro thread but prob won't be a regular visitor. As my name suggests I am concerned about my son who started second grade this year and seems to have had a clash with his teacher. She said he is hyperactive and that he may even have ADHD!!! His teacher last year said he was challenging but being the youngest in the class she said its often the case.

Obviously the ADHD label worried us and we took him to see the doctor who then referred us to a specialist (child psych.). He said that the youngest in the class is much more likely to be referred and that ADHD is over diagnosed and that it is likely an overreaction. He recommended a change in sleeping pattern, more exercise, less sugar and said maybe I should be firmer with him (though he didn't specify spanking).

My husband works away a lot and I do find the kids a strain sometimes and possibly have done too much to get a peaceful life. I never spanked (I never was as a kid) at least not more than a swat or two and was kind of opposed to it (though my husband is not). My daughters a bit older and simply never needed even a swat.

Yesterday for the first time I gave him about five swats and made him cry as he wouldn't stop jumping on his bed. It worked for a while, but then before bed he started doing it again and I gave him another five swats and though he cried a bit he was still defiant. This was after soccer practice too.

I just want to make him listen as I don't want him to be labeled for the rest of his life and pumped full of drugs.

Regards,

CM

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Replies:

[> Subject: Re: Concerned about my son

Author:
SL Sarah
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Date Posted: 00:16:38 10/17/12 Wed

'I just want to make him listen...'

If one of mine was doing something I didn't like, I would simply say to them "I'll give you to the count of three to stop that. One..." and I don't think I'd even get to "two". The only reason that works though, is because they know the consequence of making me say "three", and they're pretty keen to avoid it!

Personally jumping on the bed is not that big a deal. But assuming for example, that they were damaging the bed, I too would have told them to stop. If disobeyed I would then have given them a few swats, but crucially I would then tell them that I would not tolerate it in the future and to consider that their final warning. If that wasn't heeded, they'd have earned themselves a proper spanking.

In the case of your son defying you the second time, I'd have lowered his pjs, taken him over my lap and thoroughly smacked his bottom. Ensure it IS a thorough spanking, though. You should give him at least twenty slaps, a red bottom and as the spanking progresses he will try to interrupt it both physically - by trying to shield his bottom, wriggling and kicking - as well as by promising to be good and begging you to stop.

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[> Subject:

Re: Concerned about my son

Author:
Bill B
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Date Posted: 12:07:16 10/18/12 Thu

Dear CM,

I'm the father of two boys now in fifth and third grades. I agree with the suggestions given by your specialist - even though I'm not one. Regarding sleep, I do think that can help a lot. My wife and I sometimes refer to ourselves as "sleep nazis" because we are so adamant about it. A child your son's age should probably be getting 10 to 11 hours of sleep a night.

Regarding being firmer, one part of your comments jumped out at me - that you strive for a peaceful life. Peacefulness is admirable but I believe that it comes from within - through the spirit. If you are trying to have a peaceful life by avoiding conflict with your children by giving them what they want then that is not, in my opinion, doing them any favors. Children need to have fair and reasonable boundaries and they need to know that those boundaries will be enforced. So by being firmer, I would say that you need to establish some clearer boundaries with your son. Have a talk with him. Explain to him that if you tell him to do something and he doesn't do as he is told that that is defiance and that you will punish him when he does that. You don't have to use spanking as punishment but we find it to be the best with our two boys. If you do decide to punish with spanking make sure that it is a "big boy" spanking. SL Sarah gave good advice here and the www.chastisewithlove.com site gives very detailed instructions on spanking. Being firm does not mean giving lots of spankings or giving hard spankings, rather it is about establishing clear and reasonable boundaries, rewarding and complementing good behavior and progress, and correcting and punishing when boundaries are crossed. And you absolutely must be consistent. It is very hard to do but with practice you will see the rewards.

One other observation. Teachers can sometimes be very unwilling to help active boys. Talk some more with your son's teacher from last year to learn about what strategies she used that worked for your son. For example, maybe she let him stand up to do some of his work. Then you can suggest these to your son's current teacher. If that fails speak with the administrator. You might also consider home-schooling for this year and them have him have another go at second grade next year. Often parents of boys that are on the young side of their class will keep them back a year so that their maturity level is more in line with that of their peers.

I hope some of that was helpful. Do what you believe to be best for your son. Prayers and best wishes.

Bill

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[> Subject: Re: Concerned about my son

Author:
Bob Builder
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Date Posted: 22:20:47 01/07/13 Mon

My oldest has ADHD and you can use spanking if its done correctly. Its not about pain or number of slaps, those are just details. Its about sending a message in a way that gets across to the child. I spank him at 13 and it works well because I have learned to do it correctly with him, which takes time and practice.

You say that you don't want him labeled, but being labeled is not a bad thing, not in the school setting at all. When he is in public school he will get extra time on tests if he needs them and help and extra chances which he will need. The school will allow you to become much more involved which I feel is always a good thing.

Your example of jumping on the bed sums up perfectly the difference between ADHD and non ADHD children. You spanked him for jumping on the bed and shortly there after he was doing it again. Now some might say that is because you haven't spanked him hard enough or long enough but that is not this case. At least not for this misbehavior. What he has is poor impulse control. That is not something he should be punished for, that is something that he should be helped with. You will need to learn what behaviors he can control and should be punished for and what behaviors he can't control and should not be punished for.

Which brings me to my next point. The meds help, they have helped my son a lot and he is only on them for school hours not for nights or weekends and not for school breaks. They will help him focus in school which is likely one of his bigger issues. They will not turn him into a robot or a zombie but they will slow his thoughts down enough that he begins to have a choice in his actions. All of that being said each family must make its own choice about using meds or not. His road will be harder without the meds but it can be done.

I hope some of this helps you, if you have questions please ask.

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