| Subject: She grins** Next inside |
Author:
Whiteye
|
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 22:04:06 05/28/03 Wed
In reply to:
Dartpaw
's message, "That is soooo funny!!!!! ROFL" on 17:28:32 05/28/03 Wed
Meanwhile, back at the Abbey.
Abbot Morty shook his head gravely , carefully laying the tattered scrap of parchment on his desk. Adjusting his spectacles, he leaned forward to persue the letter once again.
"Dir Abut ov Redwal,
Im Cluny da Skurj! Ya wanna liv? Den gimme yur aby, cuz if ya dont Im gonna tak it aniway. Im gonna be der at six o clok sharp pm ta give ya my terms of surender. Leev dem big gats open. DAM if Im gonna be beatn by a lot ov mice!
Arr,
Skurj, Cluny da
"Father Abbot? It's five minutes to six," Brother Alf whispered, peering timidly around the threshold.
Abbot Morty sighed, stiffly rose from his seat, and glided serenely out of the room to find Matthias pacing up and down the corridor like a caged tiger.
"Oh, good, you've recovered. Curious ailment you have, spontaneously transmogrifying into a bowl of flavored clam innards. Any sign of those fiends?"
"No, Fath-a-achooo!" Matthias snuffled into his handkerchief. "Parsley. I hate parsley. WHAT IS IT WITH YOU WITH CLAMS AND PARSLEY?!" Matthias let out a bloodcurdling scream.
I go with what works. Now be quiet and get out to the walltop, will you?
"I don't wanna. The parsley has aggravated my allergies."
You wanna be a hero or not? Up! March!
Growling wordlessly, Matthias snatched up his staff from the floor and stomped up to the walltops, followed by Abbot Morty. Just below, cracking his tail ominously, stood Cluny da Skurj, dressed in full warlord regalia. Behind him was a veritable army of rats!
"Arr! Y'all let us in! We wanna talk ta yer Abbot!"
Dilligence called down, "You're not getting one step nearer, you dang varmints! Speak your piece or begone!"
Cluny's tail whipped out like a living thing. It wrapped itself around the nearest rat and flipped him over in front of the path. "Let us in or I'll send this one ta join his ancestors!"
There was utter silence from the walltop.
"Whut da heck iz dis?" Foremole muttered. "Dat's yur own rat, Clooney!"
Cluny glanced down curiously at the quivering rat. "Arr, yeah, I guess it is. Well, nevermind! Let us in!"
"Why?" Matthias shouted mockingly.
"Cuz it's in the book, clam-mouse! We've gotta foller the almighty book!"
"Clam-mouse? Clam-mouse?" Matthias squawked.
"Hey, dats dere's a good start. "De Adventures ov Mahdias, de Amazin' Clam-Mouse! Look down dere! Down in da oshun! It's a fish! It's an octypus! It's a farandola! Naw! It's Clam-Mouse! Da da da dum dum! Da da da dum dum!'"
Foremole's hastily invented theme song was hastily cut off as he had to dive behind Dilligence to avoid being strangled by Matthias, the Amazing Clam-Mouse.
"No more clams! You hear me, narrator?! No more clams! If I hear the word 'clam' one more time, I'm quitting! That's it! Don't pay me! I don't care! I'll go audition for 'Wind in the Willows'! 'The Great Mouse Detective'! 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban'! Just no more clams!" Matthias shrieked as Dilligence held him aloft by his cowl.
Fine! Fine! Be that way! No more clams!
Dilligence looked at Abbot Morty. Abbot Morty looked at Dilligence.
"We'd better let him in, then."
Cluny was escorted into the abbey by a crowd of armed mice and accompanied by his colonel, Purpletooth. They were both brought before Father Abbot, Matthias, Dilligence, Sunflower, Foremole, and assorted brothers and sisters of Redwall.
Cluny cracked his tail. "I want yer abbey."
Abbot Morty coughed. "You can't have it."
Cluny flexed his claws. "I'm gonna lay siege ta the place."
Abbot Morty adjusted his spectacles. "You go right ahead."
Cluny ground his fangs. "I'll kidnap somebody and hold 'em hostage."
Abbot Morty looked at his pocketwatch. "Thank you for offering. You can have Colin Beaver."
Cluny stomped his foot. "You're kinda dumb."
Abbot Morty shuffled his papers. "We're all entitled to our opinions."
Suddenly, Sunflower piped up. "You're not really a rat, are ya, Cluny?"
Cluny choked. "'Course I'm a rat!"
"No you're not. Ya have a prehensile tail." Sunflower brandished a copy of 'The Idiot's Guide to the Biology of Small Mammals'. "Accordin' to this, only primates have prehensile tails. Rodents don't. Ya have a prehensile tail. Therefore, by Aristolian logic, you're not a rat."
Matthias burst out laughing. "Payback, pygmy marmoset-rat!"
Cluny spluttered. "Marmoset-rat? Marmoset-rat?"
Foremole laughed. "'Look! Up in da trees! It's a chameleon! It's a flyin' squirrel! It's a panda bear! Naw! It's Marmoset-Rat! Da da da-"
"AAAAAARRRRRR!" Cluny launched himself at Foremole, who dove under the table, giggling.
Then, Dilligence did something that the creatures of Redwall would speak of for years to come. Exerting the full strength of a female armadillo, she lifted the massive Cavern Hole dining table. Dishes clattered and food spilled as Dilligence heaved it over her head. Her voice was a roar.
"Get out, rats! And don't come back now, ya hear?"
"Erk!" Cluny squeaked.
"Chief, we better get outta here!" Purpletooth whimpered.
Cluny stumbled backwards, tripped over his own tail, and scrambled on all fours up the stairs, followed by Purpletooth.
"That armadillah ain't no east Texas hick, Chief! Why, if we'd a- stayed a little longer, she'd a thrown that table and crushed us!"
Cluny was standing transfixed.
"Who.who's that?" He gurgled, pointing widly at the great Redwall tapestry. Matthias, who had followed, chuckling, decided to enlighten him.
"Who, that? That is." Matthias squinted at the tapestry. "I think that's either Veil Sixclaw the Outcast or Sawney Rath. It's kinda hard to tell ferrets apart."
"Naw! Him!"
"Oh, him? That's Martin the Warrior!" Matthias swelled with pride. "And lemme tell ya, Marmoset-Rat, if he was here he'd send you and your packof varmints packin'!"
Purpletooth scowled importantly. "Now see here, mouse, ya cain't go 'round talkin' ta Chief here like that!"
Cluny allowed himself to be lead out, totally ignoring Matthias. For good measure, Matthias turned and shouted, "Scourge hath murdered sleep! Cluny shall sleep no more! Whaaa? What was that?"
That is an allusion to the play 'Macbeth', by William Shakespeare. In this particular scene, Macbeth has just murdered King Duncan and is going wild with horror. He hallucinates that he hears a voice yell, "Glamis hath murdered sleep! Macbeth shall sleep no more!'
"Who's Shakespeare?"
Aww, forget it. I've gotta go give Cluny some nightmares. See you later!
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
| |
Feedback: 