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| Love Lost- Chapter 2: Time’s Out |
 Hello folks, Killer Instinct here. This promo will take place in my club. There will be heavy drinking done by me and others. Now the legal department of NHW is dicking around with me. They tell me that I have to make some pussy-ass statement about drugs being bad or some shit. I don’t see the problem. Cheers was on for like 11 years. Norm drank 4,000,000 gallons of beer during it’s run. But ever since the lawsuit about the frickin’ “Wheel of Death” bullshit, those bastards are determined to make my life hell. But the Anti-Franchise isn’t going to tell not to drink or not to do drugs or even tell you not to smoke. If I had the chance, I’d throw those TRUTH bitch punks into that Shredder 2000 thing. But here’s what I will do. I’m going to teach you about how drunk you can get. And I’m not talking about those rigged Breathalyzer tests, or 0.8-whatever. I’m talking about rating your hangover. This will help to tell you if you should drink more. Hell, after listening to Jonathan Davies rant, I’ve decided that I need to drink more. Here it is people.  Star Hangover:No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steakbomb and a side of gravy fries from any truck stop USA. Star Hangover:No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing internet porn and writing junk e-mails. Star Hangover:Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke- yet you haven't peed once. Star Hangover:Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for wreaking of booze. You wore nice clothes but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following: 1. The clock to strike 6pm. 2. The entire appetizer list from TGIFridays or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. Star Hangover:aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell. You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state- which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your house. The only thing you can do is smoke a bong hit and pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao Chicken, a ham and cheese omelet and a batch of rice krispie treats. |
| INT. MESSY APARTMENT - NIGHT There is a knock at the door. The door slowly opens, since the lock is broken. Chuck Zito pops his head into the apartment and looks around. The place looks like it was well furnished at one time, but not it looks like a tornado hit it.  CHUCK ZITO Yo, anybody here? There’s a sound of moving around and a crash. Out of the other room, “Dependable” Dirk Savage appears. Now for all you non-regular people, Dirk was one of KI’s best friends, that is until he forced Killer’s own sister into having a miscarriage.  ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE Chuck? Chuck Zito? You aren’t here to beat me up are you? CHUCK ZITO No. I came here for some help. What happened to this place? ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE Oh you know. Fucking maids. Had to fire mine. CHUCK ZITO Why? ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE Um... Saggy boobs. CHUCK ZITO Oh, I understand. VOICE Liawa! CHUCK ZITO What the hell was that? ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE Nothing. CHUCK ZITO Sounded like Snuggles. Over on an over turned couch, laying on top, is Snuggles the bear. Recap once again, Snuggles is a teddy bear, that wrestles. Actually it Dirk that controls him, but Snuggles is one half of the greatest tag team in FWF/NEW/DPW history. He also has a slight lisp.  SNUGGLES Damn stwaight it was me. Swomebody towe up this plwace. CHUCK ZITO Is the puppet talking to me? ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE Snuggles is a teddy bear and split personalities is a problem of mine. I’d wish not to get into it. CHUCK ZITO Whatever floats your boat, man. I came here for help. ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE Sure, man. We’re old buds. What’s the deal? CHUCK ZITO It’s Killer. He’s been all messed up since Infidelity disappeared. Now he’s getting mysterious phone calls. He don’t tell me what’s up with that. ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE What makes you thikn he’ll tell me? KI hates me. CHUCK ZITO That’s the thing. He won’t talk to his inner circle. Since your an outsider now, I’d figure that you’d have a better chance to reach him. ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE I guess I can try. but if he kicks my ass, you’re paying for the medical bills. CHUCK ZITO Fair enough. SNUGGLES You’ll bwe sowwy. ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE Quiet bear. So do you anything about these phone calls? CHUCK ZITO Something about someone getting hurt. I thought it was about ‘Lity.. ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE Damn! I know what’s happening. Where’s Killer? CHUCK ZITO At the club... ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE We don’t have a moment to lose. Grab Snuggles, I’ll get the car. Dirk runs out the door, while Zito snatches the bear. CUT TO: INT. KILLER INSTINCT’S CLUB - MOMENTS LATER It’s a basically quiet night at Killer Instinct’s Club. Killer is at the bar, drinking away.  KILLER INSTINCT Isaac, just keep them coming.  ISAAC WASHINGTON Hey Killer, don’t you think you should slow down? You have that Battle Royal coming up. KILLER INSTINCT Another shot of whiskey isn’t going to help Test eliminate me. Look, it’s up to me to trim the dead weight around the Doomsday Series. Either that or Satanic Bob actually believes that the lead singer of Korn can actually beat me. MINI-DON KING Killer, baby. We need to talk about that guy. ISAAC WASHINGTON Mini-Don King! I didn’t see you. MINI-DON KING My life story. KILLER INSTINCT What’s your beef with Korn? MINI-DON KING It’s that racist pillow-biting faggot, Davies. He called me a midget. ISAAC WASHINGTON What’s wrong with that? Aren’t you a midget? MINI-DON KING And aren’t you a ni... KILLER INSTINCT WHOA! Cool heads, guys. Isaac, King here is a dwarf. Midget is considered a racist term in the shrimp community. Hey Mini-Don, you aren’t going to ask me to change my theme music, are you? MINI-DON KING Well, yeah. I don’t feel comfortable managing a man with racist music. KILLER INSTINCT The song isn’t racist. Have you’ve been talking to Mini-Al Sharpton again. Listen, what music would I use then? MINI-DON KING How about Metallica? You like them. KILLER INSTINCT Yeah, but they screwed Napster big-time. MINI-DON KING How about the Limp Biscuit? KILLER INSTINCT You do realize that Korn helped them get famous. Plus, Durst is a sell-out prick. MINI-DON KING Hmm, what’s popular. Survivor! KILLER INSTINCT The tv show? MINI-DON KING No, it’s a Destiny’s Child song. KILLER INSTINCT Now your bugging out. MINI-DON KING Ok, what’s new? Something you like. Stain’d, they have a new album coming out. KILLER INSTINCT Suicide music. I’d kill myself before I’d reach the ring. Depression city. MINI-DON KING Tool! KILLER INSTINCT What did you call me? MINI-DON KING No, Tool the band. KILLER INSTINCT I love Tool. Problem is, I can’t even spell the names of their songs. Shism, or something. Great music, weird names. MINI-DON KING Blink 182 then. KILLER INSTINCT I know we play Blink in the club all the time, but Blink 182 is homo music. Bubble Gum rock. MINI-DON KING Um... KILLER INSTINCT Look, Blind stays. End of story. MINI-DON KING Fine. It’s very commercial anyway. It was played all over the Charlie’s Angels movie. KILLER INSTINCT Say what? Aw man, that sucks. Now when people hear my music, they’ll think of MI:2/Matrix rip-off chick fighting. Dude. Dirk Savage enters the club and rushes to Killer Instinct and company.  ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE Killer! KILLER INSTINCT Dirk Savage?!? Didn’t I ban you from the club? ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE Fuck that, man. I know where she is! I’ve been hiding her from him. MINI-DON KING Holy shit, does you know where Infidelity is? ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE What? No. ISAAC WASHINGTON I’m confused. KILLER INSTINCT Will you numbnuts shut up?!? He’s talking about my sister. ISAAC WASHINGTON Karen? ”DEPENDABLE” DIRK SAVAGE Yeah, he getting close. We have to get to her before he does! ISAAC WASHINGTON Who? CUT TO: INT. A HOUSE - NIGHT Karen Instinct is in the shower. There is an noise outside. She stops the shower and checks on the noise.  KAREN INSTINCT Hello? Dirk? Britany? The camera pans over to the window. There is someone standing outside....  MAN SLAUGHTER!!! END CHAPTER TWO  |