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Date Posted: 09:35:48 07/12/09 Sun
Author: V.Glushchenko
Subject: Yulia Ivanova A Photo. Impenetrable Doors. Joanna’s Page 2. Door 1.
Yulia Ivanova
A Photo
Impenetrable Doors. Joanna’s Page 2. Door 1.
Before her there was a cold window glass, a turbid and whitish one, behind which something white and incomprehensible moved. Three-year-old Yana was very interested to know in what is outside. She climbed up to the windowsill with her feet and was all eyes. At last she guessed to brush the misted glass by her palm and saw a patch of sky inhabited by strange white creatures.
That other adult Joanna knows that it is snow and that she is in her early childhood. Joanna remembers hateful different-eyed Mercedes and Yegorka rushing to the airport. But three-year-old Yana with her full ignorance, Yana for whom nothing exists now except mysterious creatures; this Yana is much more real. She absorbs knowing Joanna like a river absorbs a stream, and a stream flows now according to all laws of a river and dissolves in a river remaining a stream at the same time, being a Source, an essence and a beginning of a river.
Some force picks her under her arms from behind and lowers her from the windowsill to the floor. Yana is crying. Her tears flow into her nose, behind her ears and neck.
Sonya, she cries again. Don’t hinder me from work.
She almost can’t remember her father. He was always sitting over his dissertation when he was at home; mammy and Yana didn’t hinder him from work. He would never defend his dissertation but in a year go to war and never return.
She would like to turn around and have a look at his face.
But little Yana isn’t going to turn around; she weeps trying to reach the windowsill. She weeps over an undiscovered wonder that was taken away from her.
“Sonya!”
Yana again shoots up to the windowsill. Oh Lord, it’s mammy and her amazing smell. In this smell there were kissel, milk porridge, nappies, flower soap (they don’t produce such soap any more) and mammy’s perfume. Growing older she didn’t change her perfume (Spring Stars or Spring Dreams), and when it disappeared from sale she stopped using perfumes at all.
But now mammy’s silk dressing gown smells “Stars” and has a hundred more other smells of mammy and her warmth too.
“What have you seen there? It’s snowing. The snow is cold. If you heat it, it will melt and there will be water. You can sled on it. When you recover...”
Out of the corner of her eye Joanna sees a young mammy’s profile and tries to turn her head to her, but... That other Yana is preoccupied with snow only. By her weeping she manages to obtain impossible things: wrapping her up in a kerchief mammy allows her to stretch out her hand through the ventlight and feel a tickling icy touch on her skin. Yana disappointedly views his wet empty palm.
“Here it is, here! Look.”
On her sleeve there is a tiny white wonder. A snowflake of this last prewar winter; it’s the first snow in her memory.
Where is she, in which dimension? It looks as if she were double. First Yana is surprised at a snowflake and Joanna is surprised at her tiny palm. But she repeats what she did then. She has no freedom of will. She has managed to turn around. Perhaps, that time she also turned around. She can see her father sitting at his desk, his table-lamp under a green glass lampshade that serves to her as a flowerbed when she plays and a black loudspeaker over his head. The desk stands in a black corner and the table-lamp burns even in the daytime. She likes to have a good look at her father but he is out of focus. Mammy doesn’t go into a focus too. She goes to the kitchen, and Joanna even feels a smell of fried fish... but she is not allowed to go there. She can’t remember what was next; her eyes can’t focus, and the room becomes blurred and disappears. And quite other things appear around her. Yana is several months older. She wouldn’t like to recall it but nothing depends on her.
Yana sits in an easy chair like a pasha being all surrounded by plush pillows. On her knees she has a teddy bear, in her hand she has a bar of chocolate and in her hair she has a huge bow.
But the most interesting things are before her. A mysterious box with a pipe, a mysterious man bending to the box. The man and the box are black; only a hairy hand is seen. But this hand is also unusual; Punch in a red cap with a tuft bows down and makes faces.
And all of that is for her, only for her. Little Yana sinks in delight, laughs and even squeals from happiness.
“It’s wonderful but we would like to photograph her crying; she has such a funny face when she cries.”
“I’m at your service, lady, let her cry.”
“Well, her eyes are always wet. Yana, see, Punch has fallen ill; he has a headache; look, he is crying. Play up, comrade Photographer!”
Punch hung his head, seized it with his hands but still grinned from ear to ear, and it was obvious that nothing ailed him; he only pretended to be ill. Yana loudly laughs. The photographer shrugs his shoulders.
“Yana, I’m going away forever. I’m leaving you alone here. Look, I have left.”
Of course, mammy also pretends. The world for three-year-old Yana is fair and unshakable, and this world is her mammy; she is its base and embodiment. Mammy hides herself behind the door, but Yana even doesn’t look at her side. Punch has recovered; he hasn’t a headache any more. Everybody only plays with her; now mammy is coming back. Yana is loudly laughing. Her mammy comes back.
“Dear lady, will you baby cry? You are delaying my work. The queue is waiting.
Mammy goes to Yana; her face is strange and unlike. Don’t do that, mammy. Why do you need those photos of crying Jana; they will be distributed among relatives and acquaintances and be lost; and only one of them will be left, that one, which is in the beer cardboard can together with other photos. In her childhood she took a pencil and angrily covered that photo with lines and even now doesn’t like to look at it. Don’t do that, mammy. Our relations might have been different, and I might have grown to be a different person. Don’t do that...
Yana’s arm turned a little pink. Mammy slapped her not very painfully but she did it seriously. She slapped her FOR NOTHING. At first moment Yana refused to believe in what had happened. She was looking at her arm and at mammy hoping that it was a mistake, that mammy would explain and correct everything.
But mammy removes her eyes. The world is collapsing. A lump in her throat because of bitterness and offence keeps her from breathing, and at last Yana pushes it out by her cry. She bursts out weeping so awfully that other children immediately begin to echo her.
The photographer takes snaps as soon as possible and waves his hands.
“Get away, lady, I will serve you without a receipt. You will frighten away all my clients; they may think that we are killing somebody.
Mammy kisses her with passion and guilty look and says tender words to her; she gives her a bribe – a red doll with goggled glass eyes helps to solve this problem little by little. Yana calms down and only from time to time sobs. In her life her world will collapse many times but little Yana still doesn’t know it. Yana doesn’t know that in a tram where mammy stands and she sits on a place of honour silently telling her goggle-eyed doll about her offence she complains to herself for the first time.
***
The train rushes into a tunnel, moves more and more slowly and finally stops in complete darkness. Terror-struck Yana realizes that she is again in a tambour between impenetrable doors where there is nothing except that darkness, silence and icy fear. And like then girl Yana sits down on the floor trembling and choking with soundless tears and knowing that this captivity is forever.
Then they have just returned from an evacuation zone, and at home there are mess ant bustle, and Yana would be allowed to walk outside. She will forget the time in playing with children, and then it will suddenly become dark, everybody will be called home, and the yard will become deserted. Being still delighted with reality (it happens in childhood only) Yana with squeal, laughter, run, knock of a ball will rush into a door with rhombuses. The door will heavily slam behind her and...
Being dazzled with sudden silence and darkness Yana will instinctively make several steps; her palms will run against the wall and then against something cold, disgustingly slippery and wet. Saying “oh” Yana will spring back and become to wipe her hand by her coat and look around helplessly, hoping to discern a door, that inside one leading to the corridor and the stairway where on the first floor her and her mother’s room is. Or at least that outside door into which she has just jumped.
But there was nothing. No doors and nothing at all. It seemed to her that she had neither eyes, nor ears, it was so dark and quiet, nor body that had become numb with fear. There was nothing except complete darkness, silence and icy fear. She was even afraid to cry so that some extremely terrible and malicious creature, which captured her, couldn’t discover her presence. By an animal intuition she felt it sharpening its claws against walls and go through them by its hairy tentacles in order to grab her. How much time was she standing like that? Five, ten or fifteen minutes? Then she didn’t stand because her feet didn’t keep her but sat on a cold floor trembling and choking with soundless tears knowing that it would always be so.
Then she will hear somebody’s quick approaching steps in the darkness, find strength to jump on, squeak like a mouse in dead anguish losing her consciousness, and then a scratch, illusory yellowness and lamps over the stairway will penetrate from a side. It will be a miracle but mammy’s silhouette and her stretched out hands will appear in this yellowness. And something that is left of Yana will fall on her arms with loud crying.
Later she would greatly fear of this dark tambour between two doors for a very long time and try to pass it as soon as possible even in the daytime when light from outside penetrated into a small window. But in the evenings without adults she never went there.
Boys will find out about this nonsense of hers and have fun dragging a desperately squealing and beating off girl into a horrible captivity. Later she will bite through someone’s hand till it bleeds and will be left alone. She would call it “impenetrable doors”, and even when in the tambour a lamp would be hung and handles will be screwed on the doors her fear would remain and gradually move to her nightmares where she died of anguish and feared in a black impenetrable snare between doors-worlds – the outside one and the saving inside one from where the stairway led home to light and warmth, and where she ran away every time after escaping with rapidly beating heart in order to fall on stretched out mammy’s arms and save herself.
Little by little mammy will disappear from her dreams together with her room. Behind their door there will be one more corridor and more doors, a labyrinth of doors and corridors, through which she will run away from pursuing darkness gathering her last strength. She will find salvation only in awakenings.
(to be continued)
Translated into English by Vladimir Glushchenko
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Ýòîò òåêñò ïî-ðóññêè. Ôîòîãðàôèÿ. Äðåìó÷èå äâåðè Ñòðàíèöà Èîàííû 2Äâåðü1 -- Ñåìåí, 14:45:32 08/03/09 Mon
Ôîòîãðàôèÿ. Äðåìó÷èå äâåðè Ñòðàíèöà Èîàííû 2Äâåðü1
Þëèÿ Èîàííîâà
Ïåðåä íåé õîëîäíîå îêîííîå ñòåêëî, ìóòíîå è áåëåñîå, çà êîòîðûì êàêîå-òî íåïîíÿòíîå áåëîå äâèæåíèå. Òðåõëåòíåé ßíå ñòðàøíî èíòåðåñíî, ÷òî òàì, íà óëèöå. Îíà âçîáðàëàñü ñ íîãàìè íà ïîäîêîííèê, ñìîòðèò âî âñå ãëàçà. Íàêîíåö, äîãàäûâàåòñÿ ìàçíóòü ëàäîøêîé ïî çàïîòåâøåìó ñòåêëó è âèäèò êóñîê íåáà, íàñåëåííîãî ñòðàííûìè áåëûìè ñóùåñòâàìè.
Òà, äðóãàÿ, âçðîñëàÿ Èîàííà çíàåò, ÷òî ýòî ñíåã, ÷òî îíà â ðàííåì ñâî¸ì äåòñòâå. Èîàííà ïîìíèò ïðî íåíàâèñòíûé ðàçíîãëàçûé "Ìåðñ", ïðî ì÷àùåãîñÿ ê àýðîäðîìó Åãîðêó. Íî òð¸õëåòíÿÿ ßíà ñî ñâîèì ïîëíûì íåçíàíèåì, ßíà, äëÿ êîòîðîé ñåé÷àñ íè÷åãî íå ñóùåñòâóåò, êðîìå òàèíñòâåííûõ ñóùåñòâ çà îêíîì, - ýòà ßíà êóäà ðåàëüíåå. Îíà âáèðàåò â ñåáÿ Èîàííó çíàþùóþ, êàê ðåêà ðó÷åé, è ðó÷åé óæå òå÷¸ò ïî âñåì çàêîíàì ðåêè, ðàñòâîðÿåòñÿ â ðåêå, îñòàâàÿñü â òî æå âðåìÿ ñàìèì ñîáîé. Èñòîêîì, ñóòüþ, íà÷àëîì ðåêè.
Êàêàÿ-òî ñèëà ïîäõâàòûâàåò å¸ ñçàäè ïîä ìûøêè è îïóñêàåò ñ ïîäîêîííèêà íà ïîë. Äî ÷åãî æå îí âûñîê, ïîäîêîííèê, íà êîòîðîì îíà òîëüêî ÷òî ñòîÿëà. Îêíà ñ ïîëó è íå âèäíî. ßíà ðåâ¸ò. Ñë¸çû çàòåêàþò â íîñ, â óøè, çà øèâîðîò.
- Ñîíÿ, îíà îïÿòü: Òîâàðèùè, äàéòå æå ðàáîòàòü!
Îòåö. Îíà ïî÷òè íå ïîìíèò åãî. Îí âñåãäà ñèäåë íàä äèññåðòàöèåé, êîãäà áûâàë äîìà, à ìàìà ñ ßíîé åìó ìåøàëè. Òàê îí è íå çàùèòèòñÿ - ÷åðåç ãîä óéä¸ò íà âîéíó è íèêîãäà íå âåðí¸òñÿ.
Âçãëÿíóòü áû íà åãî ëèöî... Îáåðíóòüñÿ...
Íî ßíà-ìàëåíüêàÿ íå ñîáèðàåòñÿ îáîðà÷èâàòüñÿ, îíà ðåâ¸ò, ïûòàÿñü äîòÿíóòüñÿ äî ïîäîêîííèêà. Ðåâ¸ò ïî íåðàçãàäàííîìó ÷óäó, êîòîðîå ó íå¸ îòîáðàëè.
- Ñîíÿ!
ßíà ñíîâà âçëåòàåò íà ïîäîêîííèê. Áîæå ìîé, ìàìà. Ÿ óäèâèòåëüíûé çàïàõ.  í¸ì êèñåëè è ìîëî÷íûå êàøè, ïåë¸íêè è öâåòî÷íîå ìûëî /íå äåëàþò áîëüøå òàêîãî ìûëà/ - è åù¸ ìàìèíû äóõè. Îíà íå ìåíÿëà ñ âîçðàñòîì äóõîâ, è êîãäà îíè èñ÷åçëè, òî ëè "Âåñåííèå çîðè", òî ëè "Âåñåííèå ãð¸çû" - ñîâñåì ïåðåñòàëà óïîòðåáëÿòü êàêèå áû òî íè áûëî.
Íî ñåé÷àñ øåëêîâûé ìàìèí õàëàòèê áëàãîóõàåò "Çîðÿìè" âîâñþ, è åù¸ â í¸ì ñòî äðóãèõ ìàìèíûõ çàïàõîâ, è å¸ òåïëî, è:
-Íó ÷òî, íó ñíåã òàì. Èä¸ò ñíåã... Îí õîëîäíûé. Áð-ð! Åñëè íàãðåòü - ðàñòàåò è áóäåò âîäà. Ïî íåìó ìîæíî êàòàòüñÿ íà ñàíêàõ. Âîò êîãäà âûçäîðîâååøü...
Êðàåì ãëàçà Èîàííà âèäèò ñîâñåì ðÿäîì þíûé ìàìèí ïðîôèëü, ñèëèòñÿ ïîâåðíóòü ê íåé ãîëîâó, íî... Òà, äðóãàÿ ßíà ïîãëîùåíà ëèøü ñíåãîì. Óäà¸òñÿ âûðåâåòü íåâîçìîæíîå - çàêóòàâ â ïëàòîê, ìàìà ðàçðåøàåò åé âûñóíóòü ðóêó â ôîðòî÷êó è îùóòèòü íà êîæå ùåêî÷óùåå ëåäÿíîå ïðèêîñíîâåíèå. ßíà ðàçî÷àðîâàííî ðàçãëÿäûâàåò ìîêðóþ ïóñòóþ ëàäîøêó.
- Äà âîò æå îíà, âîò! Ñìîòðè.
Íà ðóêàâå - êðîøå÷íîå áåëîå ÷óäî. Ñíåæèíêà òîé ïîñëåäíåé ïðåäâîåííîé çèìû. Ïåðâûé â ïàìÿòè ñíåã.
Ãäå îíà, â êàêîì èçìåðåíèè? Èõ êàê áû äâîå. ßíà-ïåðâàÿ óäèâëÿåòñÿ ñíåæèíêå, Èîàííà - ñâîåé êðîøå÷íîé ëàäîíè. Íî îíà ïîâòîðÿåò âñ¸, ÷òî äåëàëà òîãäà. Íèêàêîé ñâîáîäû âîëè. Óäàëîñü îáåðíóòüñÿ. Íàâåðíîå, îíà è òîãäà îáåðíóëàñü. Âèäèò îòöà çà ñòîëîì, ïîä çåë¸íûì ñòåêëÿííûì àáàæóðîì åãî ëàìïó, ñëóæàùóþ åé âî âðåìÿ èãðû êëóìáîé, ÷¸ðíûé ðåïðîäóêòîð íàä ãîëîâîé. Ñòîë â ò¸ìíîì óãëó, è ëàìïà ãîðèò äàæå äí¸ì. Êàê õî÷åòñÿ ðàçãëÿäåòü îòöà, íî îí áóäòî íå â ôîêóñå. È ìàìà óõîäèò íå â ôîêóñ. Îíà óõîäèò ïðîñòî íà êóõíþ, Èîàííà äàæå ÷óâñòâóåò îòòóäà çàïàõ æàðåíîé ðûáû... Íî åé íåëüçÿ òóäà. Îíà íå ïîìíèò, ÷òî áûëî äàëüøå, ãëàçó íå çà ÷òî óõâàòèòüñÿ, è êîìíàòà ðàñïëûâàåòñÿ, èñ÷åçàåò. È âîò óæå âñ¸ âîêðóã äðóãîå, ßíà íà íåñêîëüêî ìåñÿöåâ ñòàðøå. Îíà íå õî÷åò ýòî âñïîìèíàòü, íî îò íå¸ íè÷åãî íå çàâèñèò.
ßíà ñèäèò â êðåñëå, êàê ïàøà, âñÿ îáëîæåííàÿ ïëþøåâûìè ïîäóøêàìè. Íà êîëåíÿõ ó íå¸ ìèøêà, òîæå ïëþøåâûé, â ðóêå - ïëèòêà øîêîëàäà, â âîëîñàõ - îãðîìíûé áàíò.
Íî ñàìîå èíòåðåñíîå - ïåðåä íåé. Òàèíñòâåííûé ÿùèê ñ òðóáîé, òàèíñòâåííûé äÿäüêà, íàãíóâøèéñÿ ê ÿùèêó. Äÿäüêà è ÿùèê ïîêðûòû ÷¸ðíûì, òîëüêî âîëîñàòàÿ ðóêà âèäíà. Íî è ðóêà ýòà íåîáûêíîâåííàÿ - íà íåé êëàíÿåòñÿ è ãðèìàñíè÷àåò Ïåòðóøêà â êðàñíîì êîëïà÷êå ñ êèñòî÷êîé.
È âñ¸ ýòî äëÿ íå¸, òîëüêî äëÿ íå¸. ßíà-ìàëåíüêàÿ òî çàìèðàåò â âîñòîðãå, òî çàêàòûâàåòñÿ ñìåõîì, äàæå ïîâèçãèâàåò îò ñ÷àñòüÿ.
-×óäåñíî. Äîëæíî ïîëó÷èòüñÿ ïðîñòî çàìå÷àòåëüíî. Òîëüêî çíàåòå, ìû áû åù¸ õîòåëè ñíÿòü å¸ ïëà÷óùåé - ó íå¸ òàêàÿ çàáàâíàÿ ìîðäàõà, êîãäà ðåâ¸ò:
- Ê âàøèì óñëóãàì, äàìî÷êà, ïóñòü ïëà÷åò.
- Íó, ó íå¸ âñåãäà ãëàçà íà ìîêðîì ìåñòå. ßíà, âèäèøü, Ïåòðóøêà çàáîëåë, ó íåãî ãîëîâêà áîëèò, ñìîòðè, îí ïëà÷åò, ó-óó... Ïîäûãðàéòå æå, òîâàðèù ôîòîãðàô!
Ïåòðóøêà ïîíèê, ñõâàòèëñÿ ðóêàìè çà ãîëîâó, íî ðîò ó íåãî ïî-ïðåæíåìó äî óøåé è ÿñíåé ÿñíîãî - íè÷åãî ó íåãî íå áîëèò, ïðîñòî ïðèòâîðÿåòñÿ. ßíà õîõî÷åò. Ôîòîãðàô ïîæèìàåò ïëå÷àìè.
-ßíà, ñëûøèøü, ÿ óõîæó. Ñîâñåì. ß áðîøó òåáÿ çäåñü îäíó. Âîò, ñìîòðè, ÿ óøëà.
Êîíå÷íî, ìàìà òîæå ïðèòâîðÿåòñÿ. Ìèð äëÿ òðåõëåòíåé ßíû ñïðàâåäëèâ è íåçûáëåì, è ýòîò ìèð - ìàìà, åãî îñíîâà, âîïëîùåíèå. Ìàìà ñêðûâàåòñÿ çà äâåðüþ, íî ßíà äàæå íå ñìîòðèò â å¸ ñòîðîíó. Âîò è Ïåòðóøêà ïîïðàâèëñÿ - ó íåãî áîëüøå íå áîëèò ãîëîâà. Âñå ïðîñòî èãðàþò ñ íåé, ñåé÷àñ ìàìà âåðí¸òñÿ. ßíà õîõî÷åò. Ìàìà âîçâðàùàåòñÿ.
-Íó, äàìî÷êà, áóäåò âàø ðåá¸íîê ïëàêàòü? Âû ìíå, ìåæäó ïðî÷èì, ïðîöåññ çàäåðæèâàåòå. Î÷åðåäü æä¸ò, äàìî÷êà.
Ìàìà èä¸ò ê ßíå, ëèöî ó íå¸ êàêîå-òî ñòðàííîå, íåïîõîæåå. Íå íàäî, ìàìà! Íó ÷òî òåáå ýòè ñíèìêè ßíû ïëà÷óùåé - îíè ðàçîéäóòñÿ ïî ðîäñòâåííèêàì è çíàêîìûì, ïîòåðÿþòñÿ, îñòàíåòñÿ îäèí, òîò, ÷òî âàëÿåòñÿ ñåé÷àñ â êîðîáêå èç-ïîä ïèâà âìåñòå ñ äðóãèìè ôîòîãðàôèÿìè. Êîòîðûé îíà â äåòñòâå çëîáíî èñ÷åðòèëà êàðàíäàøîì, è íà êîòîðûé äî ñèõ ïîð ïðåäïî÷èòàåò íå ñìîòðåòü. Íå äåëàé ýòîãî, ìàìà. Ìîæåò, íàøè îòíîøåíèÿ ñëîæèëèñü áû èíà÷å, ìîæåò, ÿ âûðîñëà áû äðóãîé. Íå íàäî...
Øë¸ï, øë¸ï... Ðóêà ßíû ÷óòü ïîðîçîâåëà. Ìàìà óäàðèëà íå î÷åíü áîëüíî, íî îíà óäàðèëà âñåðü¸ç. Óäàðèëà ÍÈ ÇÀ ×ÒÎ.  ïåðâîå ìãíîâåíèå ßíà íå õî÷åò ïîâåðèòü â ñëó÷èâøååñÿ. Ñìîòðèò íà ðóêó, íà ìàìó, íàäåÿñü, ÷òî çäåñü êàêàÿ-òî îøèáêà, ÷òî ñåé÷àñ ìàìà âñ¸ îáúÿñíèò, èñïðàâèò.
Íî ìàòü îòâîäèò ãëàçà. Ìèð ðóøèòñÿ. Íåñòåðïèìî ãîðüêèé êëóáîê êàòèòñÿ îòêóäà-òî èç ãëóáèíû ê ãîðëó, ðàñò¸ò, âñ¸ áîëüøå íàëèâàÿñü ãîðå÷üþ, îáèäîé, íå äà¸ò âçäîõíóòü, è, íàêîíåö, ßíà âûòàëêèâàåò åãî êðèêîì. Çàêàòûâàåòñÿ è îãëàøàåò êîìíàòó òàêèì íåñëûõàííûì ð¸âîì, ÷òî è äðóãèå äåòè íåìåäëåííî íà÷èíàþò åé âòîðèòü.
Ôîòîãðàô ïîáûñòðåé äåëàåò ñíèìêè, ìàøåò ðóêàìè.
- Ñòóïàéòå, äàìî÷êà, ÿ âàñ áåç êâèòàíöèè îáñëóæó. Âû ìíå âñåõ êëèåíòîâ ðàñïóãàåòå, äàìî÷êà, ïîäóìàþò, ó íàñ òóò ðåæóò.
Íåèñòîâûå âèíîâàòûå ìàìèíû ïîöåëóè, ëàñêîâûå ñëîâà, êîíôåòû, ïîñåùåíèå ìàãàçèíà èãðóøåê è, íàêîíåö, âçÿòêà - ðûæàÿ êóêëà ñ âûòàðàùåííûìè ñòåêëÿííûìè ãëàçàìè ïîñòåïåííî äåëàþò ñâî¸ äåëî. ßíà óñïîêàèâàåòñÿ, òîëüêî âðåìÿ îò âðåìåíè ñóäîðîæíî âñõëèïûâàåò. Åù¸ ìíîãî ðàç â å¸ æèçíè áóäóò ðóøèòüñÿ ìèðû, íî ßíà-ìàëåíüêàÿ ýòîãî ïîêà íå çíàåò. ßíà íå çíàåò, ÷òî â òðàìâàå, ãäå ìàìà ñòîèò, à îíà ñèäèò íà ïî÷¸òíîì äåòñêîì ìåñòå, áåççâó÷íî ðàññêàçûâàÿ ëóïîãëàçîé êóêëå ïðî ñâîþ îáèäó, - îíà âïåðâûå æàëóåòñÿ ñàìà ñåáå.
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Ïîåçä âëåòàåò â òîííåëü, äâèæåòñÿ âñ¸ ìåäëåííåå, íàêîíåö, ñîâñåì îñòàíàâëèâàåòñÿ â êðîìåøíîé òüìå. ßíà ñ óæàñîì îñîçíà¸ò, ÷òî îíà ñíîâà â òàìáóðå ñðåäè äðåìó÷èõ äâåðåé, ãäå íåò íè÷åãî, êðîìå ýòîé òüìû, áåçìîëâèÿ è ëèïêîãî ëåäÿíîãî ñòðàõà. È, êàê òîãäà, äåâî÷êà ßíà ñàäèòñÿ íà ïîë, äðîæà è äàâÿñü áåççâó÷íûìè ñëåçàìè, çíàÿ, ÷òî ýòîò ïëåí íàâñåãäà.
Îíè òîãäà òîëüêî âåðíóëèñü ñ ìàìîé èç ýâàêóàöèè, â äîìå åù¸ áóäåò êàâàðäàê, ñóìàòîõà, è ßíó âïåðâûå âûïóñòÿò ïîãóëÿòü âî äâîð. Îíà çàèãðàåòñÿ ñ ðåáÿòí¸é, ïîòîì êàê-òî ðàçîì ñòåìíååò, âñåõ ïîçîâóò ïî äîìàì, äâîð îïóñòååò. ßíà, åù¸ ïîëíàÿ äî êðà¸â íåèñòîâûì âîñòîðãîì áûòèÿ, êàêîé áûâàåò ëèøü â äåòñòâå, - âèçãîì, õîõîòîì, áåãîì, ñòóêîì ìÿ÷à, òîæå âëåòèò ñ ðàçáåãó â äâåðü ñ ðîìáàìè. Äâåðü ñçàäè òÿæåëî çàõëîïíåòñÿ è...
Îøåëîìëåííàÿ âíåçàïíîé òèøèíîé è òåìíîòîé, ßíà ñäåëàåò ïî èíåðöèè íåñêîëüêî øàãîâ, ëàäîíè óïðóòñÿ â ñòåíó, ïîòîì âî ÷òî-òî õîëîäíîå, îìåðçèòåëüíî-ñêîëüçêîå è ìîêðîå. Îõíóâ, ßíà îòïðûãíåò, âûòèðàÿ ðóêè î ïàëüòèøêî è áåñïîìîùíî îçèðàÿñü â íàäåæäå ðàçãëÿäåòü äâåðü - òó, âíóòðåííþþ, ÷òî âåä¸ò â êîðèäîð è íà ëåñòíèöó, ãäå íà âòîðîì ýòàæå áûëà èõ ñ ìàìîé êîìíàòà. Èëè õîòÿ áû òó, óëè÷íóþ, â êîòîðóþ îíà òîëüêî ÷òî âñêî÷èëà.
Íî íè÷åãî íå áûëî. Íèêàêèõ äâåðåé, âîîáùå íè÷åãî. Åé ïîêàçàëîñü, ÷òî ó íå¸ íåò áîëüøå íè ãëàç, íè óøåé, òàê áûëî òåìíî è òèõî, íè òåëà, êîòîðîå îäåðåâåíåëî îò ñòðàõà. Íè÷åãî, êðîìå êðîìåøíîé òüìû, òèøèíû è ëèïêîãî ëåäÿíîãî ñòðàõà. Äàæå ïëàêàòü îíà áîÿëàñü, ÷òîáû òî áåñêîíå÷íî ñòðàøíîå è çëîáíîå, â ïëåí ê êîòîðîìó îíà ïîïàëà, íå îáíàðóæèëî å¸ ïðèñóòñòâèÿ. Îíà êàêèì-òî æèâîòíûì ÷óòü¸ì îùóùàëà, êàê îíî òî÷èò î ñòåíû êîãòè, îáøàðèâàåò èõ ìîõíàòûìè ùóïàëüöàìè, ÷òîáû ñõâàòèòü å¸. Ñêîëüêî îíà òàê ñòîÿëà? Ïÿòü, äåñÿòü, ïÿòíàäöàòü ìèíóò? Ïîòîì íå ñòîÿëà, ïîòîìó ÷òî íîãè óæå íå äåðæàëè, à ñèäåëà íà õîëîäíîì ïîëó, äðîæà è äàâÿñü áåççâó÷íûìè ñëåçàìè, çíàÿ, ÷òî òàê áóäåò âñåãäà.
Ïîòîì îíà óñëûøèò âî òüìå ÷üè-òî áûñòðûå íàäâèãàþùèåñÿ øàãè, íàéä¸ò âñ¸ æå ñèëû âñêî÷èòü, ïî ìûøèíîìó ïèñêíóòü â ñìåðòíîé òîñêå, òåðÿÿ ñîçíàíèå, è òóò ãäå-òî ñáîêó â òèøèíó è òüìó ïðîðâóòñÿ ñêðèï, ñëàáî ïðèçðà÷íàÿ æåëòèçíà ëàìïî÷êè íàä ëåñòíèöåé è - ÷óäî! - ìàìèí ñèëóýò â ýòîé æåëòèçíå, å¸ ïðîòÿíóòûå ðóêè, â êîòîðûå ñ ð¸âîì îáðóøèòñÿ òî, ÷òî îñòàëîñü îò ßíû.
Ïîòîì îíà åù¸ î÷åíü äîëãî áóäåò äî ñìåðòè áîÿòüñÿ ýòîãî ò¸ìíîãî òàìáóðà ìåæäó äâóìÿ äâåðÿìè, è ñòàðàòüñÿ ïðîñêî÷èòü åãî êàê ìîæíî ñêîðåå äàæå äí¸ì, êîãäà â êâàäðàòèê íåáîëüøîãî îêîíöà ïðîíèêàë ñâåò ñî äâîðà. Íó à óæ âå÷åðîì áåç âçðîñëûõ - íè çà ÷òî.
Ìàëü÷èøêè ðàçíþõàþò ïðî ýòó å¸ äóðü è áóäóò çàáàâëÿòüñÿ, âòàñêèâàÿ ñèëêîì â ñòðàøíûé ïëåí, îò÷àÿííî âèçæàùóþ è îòáèâàþùóþñÿ. Ïîòîì îíà ïðîêóñèò êîìó-òî äî êðîâè ðóêó, è å¸ îñòàâÿò â ïîêîå. Îíà íàçîâåò ýòî "äðåìó÷èå äâåðè", è äàæå êîãäà â òàìáóðå ïîâåñÿò ëàìïî÷êó è ïðèâèíòÿò ðó÷êè íà äâåðÿõ, ñòðàõ îñòàíåòñÿ è ïîñòåïåííî ïåðåêî÷óåò â ñíû, ñíû-êîøìàðû, ãäå îíà óìèðàëà îò òîñêè è ñòðàõà â ÷¸ðíîé äðåìó÷åé ëîâóøêå ìåæäó äâóìÿ äâåðÿìè-ìèðàìè, âíåøíèì è ñïàñèòåëüíûì âíóòðåííèì, îòêóäà ëåñòíèöà âåëà äîìîé ê ñâåòó è òåïëó. Êóäà îíà, âûðâàâøèñü, áåæàëà êàæäûé ðàç ñ áåøåíî êîëîòÿùèìñÿ ñåðäöåì, ÷òîáû óïàñòü â ïðîòÿíóòûå ìàìèíû ðóêè è ñïàñòèñü.
Ïîñòåïåííî ìàìà èç ñíà èñ÷åçíåò, èñ÷åçíåò è èõ êîìíàòà. Çà èõ äâåðüþ îêàæåòñÿ åù¸ îäèí êîðèäîð, åù¸ äâåðè, ëàáèðèíò äâåðåé è êîðèäîðîâ, ïî êîòîðûì îíà áóäåò èç ïîñëåäíèõ ñèë óäèðàòü îò ãîíÿùåéñÿ çà íåé òüìû. È ëèøü â ïðîáóæäåíèè îáðåòàÿ ñïàñåíèå.
(ïðîäîëæåíèå ñëåäóåò...)
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