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Date Posted: 09:22:07 03/29/02 Fri
Author: gem
Author Host/IP: 166.102.71.127
Subject: Me-wound up!

I finally took my scan....of my abdomen. The doctor had ordered.....it ..they had said something about my liver....and my blood work. I hope it turns out ok. Only a few yeas ago, if they had said, I had cancer or something, I'd have.....said....(Good!). Now......I worry with the diabetes, and worry......about this test.....and....they were nice and all about the whole thing. I just couldn't eat or drink past midnight.....till after the test was done.

I took an extra diabetes pill yesterday.......it was fluctuating alot. I was doing so good, and now its' been like....201......and...stuff, which was kind of high. I don't know if my (monthly)-had anything to do with it or not. (Not trying to be gross here!)

Anyway they said mabye the tests would be ready....by next Wed. He did ask me.......(if I was going to a specialist)--or not. That triggered a panic button in my brain. You know? I don't know what to think, it might not be anything or I might have something else wrong with me, with all the meds they've given me over the years.....you know?

It just makes you wonder sometimes. Then sometimes, its like God saying.....(My time.....human! Not yours!)! Ugh!

It makes me......feel......how do you say.....almost.....regretful for all the times.......I had wanted to kill myself. (over stupid stuff)....or so it seems now.

Maybe that's a sign, I am getting better? I don't know ?

Plus.....next on the list........I have to go to the eye doctor before May...and my driver's license....re-exam. Ugh! Always something, isn't it?

My hubby has been looking at used trucks and vans....he wants to give his car to Jonathan....(he'll be learning to drive soon). I hope it all works out. It's like....I got my social security statement.....and if I retire at the age of 70, I'll be doing good. But Lord knows, if I can make it that long?! You know?

The older you get......(although I'm only 40---)--going on (41)----it seems......the more aches and pains you get....and you wonder when you get up in the morning feeling crappy, how you'll make it thru the day? How in the world....does one make it to 70!??? (I ask myself that question alot!)! I am slowing down too.....things I used to slide thru........now just exhaust me, anymore. My job as casheir......takes alot out of me, physically....and I don't know how to explain it to people. I've sent up my hours.....from..(...5-11) M-Friday, and......(open)--on Sat. and Sun. I did it cause I knew....I'd need the extra rest and so far.....knock on wood, they've let me work those hours......you know?

Otherwise, I'd never had made it this far.....without collapsing.

Well take care, thanks for letting me vent.......Gem

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