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Date Posted: 15:48:55 11/14/01 Wed
Author: NO Smiles
Author Host/IP: 216.222.236.167
Subject: Who am I

No sleep, no need for food, conversation, entertainment or anything at all, just a little dark space to exist in. Breathing has turned into sighing and sighing into darkness. There is no hope or feeling or even emotions other than the guilt I feel for making my wife experience this with me. After doing a little learning on the internet I just wonder how the hell is it that no one ever saw any of these signs. I'm 30+ and have been this way ever since I can remember and nobody saw it. My mother is a depressent has been since I was in about 6th grade. My parents divorced and I bounced back and forth until 9th grade when I stayed with my father but moved to a new town and school. My grades were above average but I hooked up with the pot smokers in my new school. I've smoked pretty much the whole time until now. My wife and I decided to have a child so no more pot(kills sperm count). My dose of this wonderful disease started shortly before this, I think it was brought on from some work issues. I've not been to work for almost 6 weeks now and have no clue when I'll be returning. But in reality the disease has probably always has been with me except I was hiding behind the weed, it was a pretty damn good hiding spot. I have made up what's left of my mind that the drugs are history except the prescribed ones. I've lived most of my life hiding and now have to learn how to deal with the things I ran from. How am I going to accomplish this feeling the way that WE do. There cannot be anything in the world to make a full grown man feel so helpless, worthless, useless and insignificant as this does. I've been on Welbutrin for over a month but with little not a whole lot of success, no more crying and I do feel a little better. I still have very little sleep, don't eat without forcing myself, no motivation or desire to get up off my butt to do anything. The suicide thoughts I don't take too serious because I can't see that happening I could never do that to my wife she is my everything and I hate seeing her saddened by my issues. There may be some hope to this saga though, I am seeing a psychologist on Friday and hope that I can be admitted and find out what the hell is wrong with me. I blame no one for my condition maybe me.

I have a wonderful wife and family, 125 year old Queen Anne victorian home, lots of friends and some smoke-free ones, and a very decent above average paying job with benefits, why is it that I can't smile or enjoy anything? I wish someone had that answer it would help lift a few tons off my shoulders. Thanks for listening and sorry about the typeo's.

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