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Date Posted: 18:36:29 01/07/02 Mon
Author: Bill
Author Host/IP: 64.12.103.32
Subject: Somebody Just Shoot Me

I came within a bare inch of having a complete nervous breakdown today at work. This is ridiculous, the pressures are incredible and it wouldn't be so bad if I could just say it was post holiday and winter storm appt. rush hour, it just doesn't end, the phones, the questions, demands,
assignments, it's nuts.
On top of that, I work with a fellow receptionist who is the little princess in one of the doctor's eyes, she comes in there and la-di-dahs her way through her work days, sabotaging me at every turn, she'll schedule appts. on days that are already booked to make it look as if I've overbooked because that is what this particular doctor thinks, I work my #$%^ off three times as hard, but today he was like is she going to be here tomorrow, I said no, she's in billing tomorrow, he gave me this look of dread like oh it's YOU handling it all, friggin' right it's me handling it all.
One other co-worker told me he's nice enough, but a snob and he is. I can't tell you what it's like to work day after day after day with someone who looks down on me as if I was pond scum and he's the sugar that makes the world turn. I try so hard to get along with him and he continues to look down on me and blame me every single #$%^ time something happens in that office, if we're over booked, it's my fault, if there is a schedule discrepancy, it's my fault, and I'm sick to death of it.
Today the doctor, nurse, and allergy specialist were standing around watching me as if "you can't handle the pressure, can you?", well of course I couldn't when I'm running my butt off answering the phones, running back every five minutes to tell the allergy specialist someone is there for a shot, sending e-mail messages left and right, dealing with people who are angry because the doctors or nurses haven't got back to them yet, I am processing paperwork and get in trouble because the exam rooms are empty, well I can't be in two places at once!!
I work as the only man in the middle of many women who watch my every move and sit back and see how I react to things. It's NOT my imagination or paranoia, at first I dismissed it as that.
I can't relax for a second, and lord forbid I have a hair out of place or too many wrinkles in my shirt or my breath smells a little bad. Heck, I use spray deodorant, solid deodorant, breath mints, cologne and after shave, clothes fabric refreshener, it's like it's NEVER enough. I wont' even use the bathroom in the office because I fear they will run to the doctors for me being unsanitary, heck, I AM THE ONE who's found that not everyone in that office takes very good aim at the toilet!!!
One doctor and his wife and sister who are all involved in the office have bought me dress clothes and given me all the support in the world, but there's no one I can talk to about this because it would strike immediate controversy and I was told the docs hate that. And I know little miss prissy goody woody two shoes would have a field day with creating new ways to throw me off balance.
I come home with my stomach in knots, my head rushingn so I'm feeling lightheaded, today I bawled like a baby in the car because I don't want to go back, but what do I do?
If I miss one more car payment, I lose the car, I'm riding so close to the edge now as it is financially. I was hoping to hang in there for atleast six months until I pay off the car, but how much more can I take?
I have never worked so hard at a job trying to succeed and it's just like being slapped in the face over and over and over.
It's to the point I don't feel like a child of God, I feel like the devil's child, being punished wherever I go, whatever I try.
All I want to do is succeed in this life and find some peace and it seems I just wind up in one disaster after the next.
Is my destiny to chuck it all and give up the car and live in the trailer and find a way to make just a few dollars every month to pay the lot rent, electricity, and walk a few miles to the grocery store? It's not disability, too much of a legal fight? Is it welfare?
I want to work, I don't want to cheat the system, but my mind just can't take anymore right now.
I've fought and fought and fought to try to make a better life for myself, but it's just mental torture wherever I end up. If it wasn't for my cats sitting here staring at me wondering what's wrong right now, I really do fear what I'd do.
I know I tend to think negatively and can't see for the forest through the trees sometimes, but I know I have reason to be stressed, right now I'm so close to contacting a psychiatrist or counseling agency but am honestly fearful as to what they'd do if they knew just now low and self-destructive I was feeling right now.
I just want to scream at life ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!!
Thanks for listening,
Bill

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