VoyForums
[ Show ]
Support VoyForums
[ Shrink ]
VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, [7], 8, 9 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 20:18:56 09/05/01 Wed
Author: Toni
Author Host/IP: 24.71.223.140
Subject: Boundaries and Limitations

Boundaries and Limitations

Good morning Saturday. Usually, Saturday mornings I find myself, during the hour of
eight a.m., snug as a bug in a rug. Today I’m covering for the gang at work. Four extra
hours on my time card this pay period…yeah!! I’m lucky you know. I get access to a
computer where I can type my random but not so random thoughts, which lately, happen
more often than not. I’m pretty much the type of gal who gets very passionate about
things that get under my skin. Some people misunderstand this side of my personality.
Actually, many people. I’ve addressed this on occasion, laying claim to the fact that I am
just somewhat melodramatic and sort of dynamic in a batman kind of way. I feel very
fortunate that I take to a blank screen when I have something to think about that’s got my
blood boiling.

This coming September 2001, I will have been "out" to my parents and sister for about
one year. I told them over the phone, not during any sort of holiday cause I didn’t want to
put any sort of a stamp on some day that meant something overly important to them. So
being the gal I am I took this into consideration when I blurted out the fact; Jack. I
haven’t seen my Father or Mother for a year now. They live one hour away from me. My
sister lives in the same city and they visit her all of the time. So where am I going with
this? Well…I’m the first person in our immediate family to admit to being gay. Pa is a
hard working Man’s man sort of fellow. Ma supports him in all his endeavors. When I
told them I was gay Ma questioned whether or not I might be Bisexual, in light of the fact
that I had spent 20 years in heterosexual relationships. I assured her that for as much as I
am, and know who I be, that I was positive that I was undoubtedly a lesbian. With a
capital "L". So I’ve lived a year with them totally out of my life. And silly me chalked it
up to the fact that they had trouble dealing with my sexual orientation. I heard from them
on Christmas Day. They phoned me from my Grandmothers house. They sounded so
awesome….almost like they really cared. They called to wish me and mine a merry
Christmas and told me they’d see me soon. Maybe their concept of soon is a little
different than mine.

Months went by and I just lived my life, enjoying the fact that I finally knew who I was,
and feeling relieved that a whole heap of whys, whats, whens, wheres, ifs, ands, hows,
and buts, were finally being answered. I felt positive that time was on my side. They just
needed some breathing room to come to terms with the fact that their oldest daughter was
a lesbian. Right? Maybe not.

I started communication with my Mom one day out of the blue via email. I should
mention that I don’t function well in superficial relationships. I want the real thing, even
if it hurts to get there. I let her know that. I questioned her over and over if the fact that I
was a lesbian kept her and Dad from being in my life. She was adamant that they had no
problem with the fact that I was gay. It was even brought to my attention that every time I
communicated with her that I brought up the fact that I was gay…which is 100% true.
She asked me who I was trying to convince. That made me think a bit. I’m still gay but
I’m not going to mention it any more. Ultimately, the fact that I’ve been told that my
parents are totally okay with my sexuality, but yet are not in my life and stay as far away
as humanly possible only leaves me sitting with more questions and holy rodent batman
are my wheels ever spinning. Needless to say, this really screws with my head. I do not
understand. Something does not add up. Do they not like me as a person? If that’s the
answer, could it have anything to do with the turmoil I have faced and triumphed over?

I feel safe with them not in my life. My peaceful place feels threatened at the mere notion
of their participation in what I have claimed solely as my life. They are out of my
comfort zone….oooo and does that ever make me want to embrace this growth
experience just waiting to happen with arms of steel.

I can and most likely will continue my life without them in it. This is a choice that is not
entirely mine. It makes me sad though. I lost my younger brother to pneumonia four years
ago, and they, a son. My parents get so far into my head sometimes that I have all kinds
of scenarios and hypotheticals’ racing around my brain. Do they think I’m selfish? Do
they think I am deviant? I feel like they think I have decided to be gay to hurt them. I
mean, for god sakes, haven’t they been through enough just losing a son? Along comes
this dysfunctional daughter and badda bing budda boom she says she’s a lesbian. I stop
and wonder, was that the last straw?

My Mom called me the other day and left a message so I called her back. Dad answered
the phone. That was the first time I’ve heard his voice since Christmas. He sounded
shallow. Hollow. Kind of like how I would imagine him sounding if he was talking to a
salesman on the phone. We talked a bit about work and I told him how busy we are. He
mentioned that, yep, busy was of the utmost importance, it left me feeling like it was all
about money. His god. I realized that deep down inside I was afraid of him. There is this
man who worked and worked and worked and worked. Who saved, and saved, and saved
and saved. Who had a zillion things to say about how rotten the young people of today
are, how terrible the world is becoming, who had an ethnic or sexist joke to share every
day of the week. A man who rules his roost. A man who can appreciate living on a
budget, roasted baloney on a spitfire grill, lucky beer, and an honest days pay for a job
well done. A man who most likely has at least 30 more years of life to live with nothing
real to give or share cause it might interfere with his comfort zone.

Thinking about all that made my wheels turn more. It seemed to me, at that moment, that
it was all about control and conditions. "I will….if". I felt amazed at the realization that
there is this possibility and potential in every one of us that protects us from the real. I
smiled. I recognized that through the process of living in the past year, I have taken some
pretty groovy steps to do some serious work on me. There is a fine line between
boundaries and limitations. Boundaries are of the utmost importance. Ultimately we set
our boundaries because hopefully we recognize how we feel when they are breached.
This is okay. This is good. But I feel that when I am faced with a mega-ton of resistance
with regards to the power I have within myself to just be me as much as I can be in the
presence of all who I find myself interacting with, that it ceases to be about me and starts
being about whoever it is who is doing their damnedest to prevent the inevitable. And
holy run-on-sentence batman does that make any sense? So, is that their boundary…or
their limitation? I had an image pop into my head with regards to boundaries and
limitations. You set your boundary…you hold your hand in front of you palm out, in a
gentle way. You set your limitation, your hand held in front of you, palm facing you.
Your limitations keep you from growing as a human being. Boundaries protect the work
you feel you’ve done to understand who you are, and what makes you who you are in all
your splendor and glory.

I’m scared of my parents because…..because…hmmmm? They are a gentle reminder of
what I could be capable of but chose to not exercise? The control they had over me for
the lion’s share of my life is gone. I feel like it’s me who cut the umbilical cord and here
I am…hang-gliding through life with no safety chain to catch me should I fall completely
and squarely smack dab on my face. I know in my heart that if I would have continued to
deny myself the freedom to be who I am for the rest of my days that the safety net would
be there. The cost, however, would be my soul, and in my world I view that as pure plain
old ugly evil. I’d be a bag lady on a street before I would sell my soul for one ounce of
acceptance from someone who has no clue as to who I am or what I’m about.

I feel like I have a clearer understanding of why things are as they be. Maybe I could go
get some work done now. Or not….it’s 10:00, time for a coffee…where the hell is my
brushed aluminum coffee mug Mom and Dad got me for Christmas?

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[ Contact Forum Admin ]

Forum timezone: GMT-5
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.