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Date Posted: 23:52:09 06/09/01 Sat
Author: Bill
Author Host/IP: 209.240.220.175
Subject: Hey Jesse
In reply to: Jesse 's message, "Ambivalence" on 21:35:36 06/08/01 Fri

You nailed a difficult task for many of us, I still find that I don't like myself much at times and think many times I exist not for myself, but solely for others who do care about me for I know if I hurt myself to a fatal end, it would hurt those individuals, so I try to go on and find whatever strength and means I can to make headway.
I have faults, many of them, so many skeletons in my closet that I need the auditorium on the fairgrounds to store them all, but I try to look at my good points and even through gritted teeth, remind myself of them daily.
I know I care about other people, I am artistic, creative, I like to write, I take darned good care of my cats and they know they are loved, people at work tell me I have the patience of a near saint, I know you must have some good qualities, think about them and write them down, pin them up on a bulletin board or by your mirror, say those things to yourself every day.
It's what I do and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Sometimes it doesn't help, but sometimes it does.
What also got me about your post is my senior year in high school, I was on the edge of that bridge, literally, but couldn't feel that anyone cared, so I jumped, twenty five feet smack into the middle of a creek, missed the rocks and the water tore open my jacket, I got the wind knocked out of me, that was it.
I think someone cared about me that day, I am very private in beliefs, but that day I came to believe atleast angels cared and it gave me strength.
Hope any of this helps,
Peace,
Bill

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