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Subject: beta stuff Author: jean [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 07:46:17 07/23/03 Wed In reply to: Athena4 's message, "Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 5" on 18:28:04 07/20/03 Sun They glared and swore, rough voices rising above the others before quelled by the equally uncouth bartender. I'm unsure what to think of this sentence. quelled / equally / uncouth Maybe it's just too rich, and so stands out. Maybe just lose either the quelled or the uncouth. One final quick glance about the room, and he followed,... no comma after room, I think pungent beer? Might work, sure. The low-brow term would be skunky. Heh. Or maybe she finds it too bitter -- many people do. before her and Egran did the same, having brought a chair up to the side of the booth. With a small smile, George did the same, she not "her". And two "did the same"s. Egran nodded, taking a seat at the bar – within view, but outside hearing. He knew her suspicions about One, but she hadn’t been willing to reveal what, exactly, she held over George’s head. Certain secrets, certain weaknesses were more powerful in her hands than anybody else’s. Especially in the last sentence, this speaks to Egran's POV, not Madeline's. Wicked cool concept, though. Maybe the inclusion of something like "He had agreed with her: certain secrets, certain weaknesses.....etc." (lame example of what I mean) “Or a coalition of Sections.; but I’m fairly .. typo. I want to know if its personal,... It's to meet his gaze before continuing. “And, I don’t think you want to lose her.” “But, if you help me, I can push this evidence under the rug, ...i> no end quotes after "her" if Madeline is the speaker in the new paragraph. "...looking once more in Egran’s direction. Egran smirked, giving him a wink. “And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran..." At the end here, Egran seems to be "in the know", yet the point was made that he was sent to the bar out of earshot to keep info private between George and Madeline. I think I want to know if Egran is in -- or out -- of the loop. Or maybe he knows some, but not all? Anyhow, I'm a tad confused at this point (which may be what you want...). [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

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[> [> Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 5 Author: Nestra [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 09:48:13 07/23/03 Wed They glared and swore, rough voices rising above the others before quelled by the equally uncouth bartender. before being quelled The venue had been chosen, at least partially, to make George uncomfortable – and it seemed to be working. Why not rephrase the first part of that sentence so it's not passive? gesturing towards the table were Madeline was sitting. where Madeline was sitting. One final quick glance about the room, and he followed, unzippering his coat, I'd say "unzipping" - is this some weird Canada thing? ;-) George stopped beside the table, and she smiled, gesturing him to slide gesturing for him “We’re unarmed,” she began, gesturing towards his hand, still in his pocket. Second "gesture" in three sentences. She placed both of hers on the table before her and Egran did the same, having brought a chair up to the side of the booth. With a small smile, George did the same, then shrugged out of his parka. “You think Adrian was behind the attack on your Substation?” I think substation isn't capitalized. “Or a coalition of Sections.; but I’m fairly certain she spearheaded it. semi-colon should be a comma. “If it is Adrian, she’ll try again. I want to know if its personal, if it's personal and I want my people dispersed; out of this hellhole, somewhere where they have a chance.” Semi-colon could be a dash, I think. “And, I don’t think you want to lose her.” Cut the comma. “But, if you help me, I can push this evidence under the rug, Cut the comma after "But" She paused, giving her words time to sink in. “And so, I’m here Cut comma after "so" “And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim. “If you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five. You’re mistaken. “And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim, “if you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five, you’re mistaken. I’m willing to let Adrian off scot-free. scott-free [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> Subject: Er, try this one, with corrected italics. (I knew this would happen at some point...) Author: Nestra [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 09:51:19 07/23/03 Wed They glared and swore, rough voices rising above the others before quelled by the equally uncouth bartender. before being quelled The venue had been chosen, at least partially, to make George uncomfortable – and it seemed to be working. Why not rephrase the first part of that sentence so it's not passive? gesturing towards the table were Madeline was sitting. where Madeline was sitting. One final quick glance about the room, and he followed, unzippering his coat, I'd say "unzipping" - is this some weird Canada thing? ;-) George stopped beside the table, and she smiled, gesturing him to slide gesturing for him “We’re unarmed,” she began, gesturing towards his hand, still in his pocket. Second "gesture" in three sentences. She placed both of hers on the table before her and Egran did the same, having brought a chair up to the side of the booth. With a small smile, George did the same, then shrugged out of his parka. “You think Adrian was behind the attack on your Substation?” I think substation isn't capitalized. “Or a coalition of Sections.; but I’m fairly certain she spearheaded it. semi-colon should be a comma. “If it is Adrian, she’ll try again. I want to know if its personal, if it's personal and I want my people dispersed; out of this hellhole, somewhere where they have a chance.” Semi-colon could be a dash, I think. “And, I don’t think you want to lose her.” Cut the comma. “But, if you help me, I can push this evidence under the rug, Cut the comma after "But" She paused, giving her words time to sink in. “And so, I’m here Cut comma after "so" “And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim. “If you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five. You’re mistaken. “And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim, “if you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five, you’re mistaken. I’m willing to let Adrian off scot-free. scott-free [ Post a Reply to This Message ]