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Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 5 Author: Nestra [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 09:48:13 07/23/03 Wed In reply to: Athena4 's message, "Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 5" on 18:28:04 07/20/03 Sun They glared and swore, rough voices rising above the others before quelled by the equally uncouth bartender. before being quelled The venue had been chosen, at least partially, to make George uncomfortable – and it seemed to be working. Why not rephrase the first part of that sentence so it's not passive? gesturing towards the table were Madeline was sitting. where Madeline was sitting. One final quick glance about the room, and he followed, unzippering his coat, I'd say "unzipping" - is this some weird Canada thing? ;-) George stopped beside the table, and she smiled, gesturing him to slide gesturing for him “We’re unarmed,” she began, gesturing towards his hand, still in his pocket. Second "gesture" in three sentences. She placed both of hers on the table before her and Egran did the same, having brought a chair up to the side of the booth. With a small smile, George did the same, then shrugged out of his parka. “You think Adrian was behind the attack on your Substation?” I think substation isn't capitalized. “Or a coalition of Sections.; but I’m fairly certain she spearheaded it. semi-colon should be a comma. “If it is Adrian, she’ll try again. I want to know if its personal, if it's personal and I want my people dispersed; out of this hellhole, somewhere where they have a chance.” Semi-colon could be a dash, I think. “And, I don’t think you want to lose her.” Cut the comma. “But, if you help me, I can push this evidence under the rug, Cut the comma after "But" She paused, giving her words time to sink in. “And so, I’m here Cut comma after "so" “And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim. “If you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five. You’re mistaken. “And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim, “if you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five, you’re mistaken. I’m willing to let Adrian off scot-free. scott-free [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

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[> [> [> Subject: Er, try this one, with corrected italics. (I knew this would happen at some point...) Author: Nestra [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 09:51:19 07/23/03 Wed They glared and swore, rough voices rising above the others before quelled by the equally uncouth bartender. before being quelled The venue had been chosen, at least partially, to make George uncomfortable – and it seemed to be working. Why not rephrase the first part of that sentence so it's not passive? gesturing towards the table were Madeline was sitting. where Madeline was sitting. One final quick glance about the room, and he followed, unzippering his coat, I'd say "unzipping" - is this some weird Canada thing? ;-) George stopped beside the table, and she smiled, gesturing him to slide gesturing for him “We’re unarmed,” she began, gesturing towards his hand, still in his pocket. Second "gesture" in three sentences. She placed both of hers on the table before her and Egran did the same, having brought a chair up to the side of the booth. With a small smile, George did the same, then shrugged out of his parka. “You think Adrian was behind the attack on your Substation?” I think substation isn't capitalized. “Or a coalition of Sections.; but I’m fairly certain she spearheaded it. semi-colon should be a comma. “If it is Adrian, she’ll try again. I want to know if its personal, if it's personal and I want my people dispersed; out of this hellhole, somewhere where they have a chance.” Semi-colon could be a dash, I think. “And, I don’t think you want to lose her.” Cut the comma. “But, if you help me, I can push this evidence under the rug, Cut the comma after "But" She paused, giving her words time to sink in. “And so, I’m here Cut comma after "so" “And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim. “If you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five. You’re mistaken. “And,” she continued, smiling conspiratorially at Egran, before turning back to her victim, “if you think all this evidence will simply vanish in another attack on Five, you’re mistaken. I’m willing to let Adrian off scot-free. scott-free [ Post a Reply to This Message ]