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Subject: beta stuff -- six and seven Author: jean [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 10:58:41 07/23/03 Wed In reply to: Athena4 's message, "Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 6" on 18:29:14 07/20/03 Sun But, as she opened her mouth to speak,... no comma after but She felt, rather than saw, them take seats close-by .. She heard them take seats... ...she shook off Egran’s arm. If things ... typo. put the begin quote in front of If. “If its your intention to manhandle me... it's “I just I want it clear who’s in control here. typo. cut the second I. He paused, and nodded past her. paused, and then nodded.... George filled each of the glasses; the wine glinting blood red within the crystal. either replace semicolon with comma, or make 'glinting' into 'glinted'. memories flashed through her mind; bright afternoons in colon, not semi She wanted to go home, more than she’d .. no comma after 'home'. I think. she caught site of Ben and Chris.. sight It’s remaining members are to be dispersed among the Sections .. Its “The decision was taken out of my hands; and out of Adrian’s. dash rather than semicolon Elation, mixed with fear, kept Madeline quiet. I'd cut both commas here. But at what level, and position, is purely .. Same here -- I'd cut the commas. George turned away, leaving by door in the back. leaving by the door.. “ You’re white as the snows outside,” close that space at the front She smiled gently at then, .. typo. them. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

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[> [> Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 6 Author: Nestra [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12:10:38 07/23/03 Wed A hand on her shoulder pulled her out of her thoughts and she opened her eyes Comma after thoughts. At the oddest times, he reminded her of Paul. Paul Need a period after that second "Paul". But, as she opened her mouth to speak Cut the comma after But. Madeline nodded, then turned towards him. Something else had been troubling her, something other than George; something that, in some ways, seemed far more important. Semi-colon here needs to be a dash, or maybe start a new sentence. she still wasn’t completely convinced she hadn’t made a mistake taking on George; that there hadn’t been some other way to bring her team out alive. Semi-colon should be a comma. She could feel her own desperation and fear eating away at her, and worried that it was that, not reliable intel, that had drawn her into a confrontation with him. You could rephrase to make this clearer. "it was that" - "that" has a tendency to be confusing. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]