| Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 7 |
Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 12:43:08 07/23/03 Wed
In reply to:
Athena4
's message, "Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 7" on 18:31:00 07/20/03 Sun
On his right sat two more, these ones not bothering to conceal their interest in the newcomers.
Cut "these ones"
She felt, rather than saw,
Seems like you've used this several times in the story already. It's one of those nasty things that can sneak in without your realizing it.
If things do go wrong, get them out of here. Find a way.”
You're missing quotes at the beginning of that.
trying to ignore the shooting pain in her ribs.
I think that's another one of those phrases that keeps cropping up. You might do a read-through and try and rephrase some of them.
“If its your intention to manhandle me, I suggest you do it quickly. I’ve never been one for foreplay.”
"it's". And snerk.
eyes turning towards where Egran and the others sat.
eyes turning towards Egran and the others.
“Are we here to talk,” she asked, her attention back on George. “Or to play games?”
"Are we here to talk, she asked, her attention back on George, "or to play games?"
As she did, memories flashed through her mind; bright afternoons in Paris cafes, the quiet solitude of her apartment, candlelit dinners with Paul.
Colon instead of semi-colon. Nice images there.
As quickly as they came, they were gone comma and she opened her eyes
“I thought you might miss civilisation,” he smiled,
Smiled isn't a dialogue tag.
“So,” he began, taking a slow sip of his wine. “I believe we have a deal to discuss.”
comma after wine instead of period
To have come this far… Glancing back into the crowd, she caught site
sight
It wasn’t a question, but Madeline nodded anyways.
anyway
taking a long sip of his wine
That's the third "sip of wine".
But there were factors at play, and other groups, that you’re not aware of, and I’m not at liberty to share.”
Cut the commas.
He stopped, fixing her with a grim stare. “It was not personal.”
Oh, riiiiight.
It’s remaining members are to be dispersed
Its
Taking one final sip of her wine,
And another sip. This might be a nice place to have her savor it again.
“The decision was taken out of my hands; and out of Adrian’s.
Cut the semi-colon.
Your cancellation order had been signed and the operatives dispatched, when Agency intervened.
Cut the comma.
They feel you can be re-integrated, and retrained.
Cut the comma.
The Agency had saved her life, but at what cost.
End that with a question mark.
“By Agency order, you will be returned to active duty. But at what level, and position, is purely at Adrian’s discretion.
Cut the commas around "and position".
“Nothing that effects you.”
affects
She smiled gently at then, and watched the relief cross their faces.
"them", not "then", and cut the comma.
She turned towards Madeline, meeting her eye.
Singular "eye". *g*
Keep your nose clean, and your mouth shut, and someday, maybe you’ll run the place.”
Nice.
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