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Subject: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 8


Author:
Athena4
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Date Posted: 18:33:10 07/20/03 Sun
In reply to: Athena4 's message, "Hope (Untitled)" on 18:20:25 07/20/03 Sun

A team from Centre arrived the next day to sweep the old compound for evidence of responsibility. A counterattack against the KGB was launched within the week, by Section One.

To her pleasure, Madeline found herself too wrapped up in disassembling the shelter, and her team, to think much about her own reassignment. One by one they were shipped out, taking what few possessions they had, and whatever supplies their transport could carry. And one by one, she took them aside, pressing on them the importance of silence, of the chance they were gaining.

Her concern was unnecessary. To a one, they saw what they had achieved, and what it might cost. They believed in each other, and somehow, they now believed in themselves. She could only hope they survived.

Madeline’s own assignment came in almost a week later, along with Egran’s. Tossing hers into her duffle unopened, she sat on the edge of her cot, waiting for Egran to open his.

“I don’t understand,” Egran said quietly, looking up at her. She waited for him to elaborate, and when he didn’t, crossed to his cot, taking the sheaf of papers from his hand.

Glancing down at them, she understood his confusion, and why he was at a loss for words. He’d been assigned to Section One.

Turning to her, he shook his head as though that would allay his confusion. “You said we were being separated. You said you’d been assigned back to One. What’s changed?”

“Maybe…” Putting Egran’s papers down on the cot, she reached for her own envelope, tearing it open. Hers showed the same thing, reassignment to Section One; transport to pick her up before dawn. “No. Mine hasn’t changed. We’re both heading to One.”

“But…”

“I don’t know, Egran. There are hundreds of places...There must be a reason.”

“Why me? Of all of us, aren’t I the most dangerous to pair with you?”

“Maybe that’s the point.”

“What?”

Standing, Madeline returned to her own cot, tossing her orders back in her duffle. “Maybe that’s what they want. They’re hoping we’ll do something so they’ll be forced to cancel us.”

“You think that’s likely?”

Madeline shrugged. “As likely as anything, I suppose.” She paused, sighing. “I don’t know the reason, Egran. But it can’t be good.”

Running a list of possible scenarios through her mind, she frowned, meeting Egran’s gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Bringing you into the middle of this, whatever it is.”

“Hey,” Egran smiled, coming to sit next to her on her cot, and placing a hand over hers. “It could be fun. We’ll be quite the team – you, me and….Paul was it?”

“Yes,” she smiled. Some good would come of her return to One, even if it was something as simple as being back in Paul’s arms. She’s missed him more than she’d ever thought she would, far more than she’d like to admit.

“The Three Musketeers,” Egran continued, oblivious to Madeline’s train of thought. Pulled back into Egran’s optimism, she smiled. “Robin Hood, Marion and Little John.”

“The Three Stooges?” Madeline interjected, and was answered with a mock frown from Egran.

“You’re just not getting into the spirit of things.”

“I’m trying.”

He didn’t reply for a moment, then his face turned serious. “I don’t know what this is about either,” he said. “But we’ll work it out. It’s good to know we’ll have an ally at One. You’ll tell him what’s going on?”

“I’ll have to. Besides, I have a feeling my situation is going to be fairly obvious to everyone.”

“That bad?”

“Yes. Nothing I can’t handle. But bad.”

“Do you regret what we did?”

“Not for a moment. It got those kids out of here. It gave them a chance – even a minimal one.”

“And you?”

“Never mattered. You did though. I do regret you.”

“Don’t. We don’t even know what they have planned yet. It might not be as bad as we think.”

She gave him a look of disbelief.

“Okay, it probably is. But, I can handle myself.”

“All right.” She sighed, leaning over to zip her duffle bag up around her orders. “We should sleep. Transport arrives early.”

“Yeah.” Starting to rise, he stopped, taking her face between his hands and kissing her forehead.

She tensed, hands on his arms. “Egran…”

“Shhh. Just a thank you. No matter what tomorrow brings, Madeline, you changed my life; by bringing me home, and giving me your friendship. I don’t expect anything else. I’m glad that that, at least, will be able to continue. You’re the only good thing to come out of this hellhole, and I’m glad I’m going with you – no matter what that means.”

“No need for thanks, Egran,” she said, pulling his hands down, and holding them for a moment in hers. “Now sleep. Whatever the future brings, it starts tomorrow. And we need to be well rested.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he smiled, returning to his own cot.

As she lay back, Madeline thought about all that had happened in the last year. All the terror, all the pain, both physical and emotional, that had brought her to this moment; that had made her desperate enough to force George’s hand. Somehow she knew that the coming year, at the least, was going to be worse than she could imagine. It would test her resolve, and it would test her spirit. But she’d survived Five, and she believed she could survive anything that Adrian and George threw at her. She believed she was strong enough.

She prayed that she was.

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Replies:
[> [> Subject: beta stuff


Author:
jean
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Date Posted: 11:15:39 07/23/03 Wed

A counterattack against the KGB was launched within the week, by Section One.

My ear wanted to hear this as two statements. "..within the week. The attack was led by Section One." Somethign like that, you know?

To her pleasure, Madeline found herself too wrapped up in disassembling the shelter, and her team, to think much about her own reassignment. One by one they were shipped out, taking what few possessions they had, and whatever supplies their transport could carry. And one by one, she took them aside, pressing on them the importance of silence, of the chance they were gaining.

This paragraph's flow would run smoother with at least fifty percent less commas. In my humble opinion. ;)

..reassignment to Section One; transport to pick her..

a comma is a lighter touch here than a semicolon

“Hey,” Egran smiled, coming to sit next to her on her cot,..

This is one example of where Egran's diction falls below what I expect. There were a couple other places (not many, and subtle; it's hitting me now with that "hey") where he sounded more American than not, and my ear wanted to hear something more European. Ditto on the "okay"s.

...something as simple as being back in Paul’s arms...

Ohhh, but being in Paul's arms is NOT simple, is it? (evil laugh)

Madeline, you changed my life; by bringing me ..

delete semicolon

--------------------

Once more, with feeling: I really like that you took on this story and explored the history between Madeline and Petrosian. I dig that guy who plays him, and he's just a cool bad-ass who deserves a few fanfics.

You got some neat character building going on with the members of Five -- I say push it. Flesh 'em out a bit more. You got the one guy with his clenched fist, the guy filching cashews, the card-playing. Little details like that go a long way, and I like what you've got.

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[> [> Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 8


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 13:25:56 07/23/03 Wed

A counterattack against the KGB was launched within the week, by Section One.

Why not nice and active? "Section One launched..."

To her pleasure, Madeline found herself too wrapped up in disassembling the shelter, and her team, to think much about her own reassignment. One by one they were shipped out, taking what few possessions they had, and whatever supplies their transport could carry. And one by one, she took them aside, pressing on them the importance of silence, of the chance they were gaining.

What jean said. ;-)

Glancing down at them, she understood his confusion, and why he was at a loss for words.

I don't think you need both "confusion" and "loss for words."

Hers showed the same thing, reassignment to Section One; transport to pick her up before dawn.

Hers showed the same thing: reassignment to Section One, transport...

She’s missed him more than she’d ever thought she would, far more than she’d like to admit.

She'd

“The Three Stooges?” Madeline interjected, and was answered with a mock frown from Egran.

Is that a reference he'd get?

“Never mattered. You did though. I do regret you.”

Comma before "though". And I'd like a little more description in this part of the conversation - it's hard to tell how the two of them feel.

“Okay, it probably is. But, I can handle myself.”

Cut comma after But.

“Shhh. Just a thank you. No matter what tomorrow brings, Madeline, you changed my life; by bringing me home, and giving me your friendship.

I'd cut the semi-colon and have "you changed my life by bringing me home, and by giving me..."

“No need for thanks, Egran,” she said, pulling his hands down, and holding them for a moment in hers.

Cut the comma after "down."

“Yes, ma’am,” he smiled, returning to his own cot.

Smiled not a dialogue tag. ;-) (Broken record? Me?)

that had brought her to this moment; that had made her desperate enough to force George’s hand.

Semi-colon should be a comma.

And there we are. :-) I think the plot hangs together nicely, all the strands of intrigue and people's various allliances.

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