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Subject: What We Regain


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 19:41:47 11/25/02 Mon

Primarily for grit kitty to take a look at, although anyone who wants to offer comments is welcome. This is Angel/Lindsey.

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[> Subject: What We Regain (Part 1)


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 19:43:16 11/25/02 Mon

************
Now we all take our chances on what we regain,
But only fools would rush in where an angel's been slain.

--Beth Patterson
************

The tasteful overhead lighting bounced off of Nathan Reed's bald head as he sat at his desk. I had to wonder how much it distracted judges and opposing attorneys, since I was having a hard time keeping my eyes off of the shiny patch. Come to think of it, maybe that was half the point. Stupid to be so focused on Nathan's head, but anything was better than thinking about the report I'd handed him twenty minutes ago. It had taken me most of the night to slap together a combination of half-truths, mistruths, and wishful thinking.

The chance that Nathan would buy the bullshit I'd spun--well, slim to none. But I'd spent years working at Wolfram and Hart. They'd trained me to lie with a straight face to anyone and everyone. Even them.

The reflection off of Nathan's head flashed when he looked up, fixing me with an unblinking stare. Kinda like a cat. I reminded myself not to squirm and stared right back, just like I'd face off a hostile judge.

Only I was the one on trial.

"Strategy," he said.

I'd committed myself. I had to stick to my story, even though I had the feeling that Nathan wasn't buying it for a second. "That's right," I replied.

He raised an eyebrow. On his cadaverous face, the effect was creepy. "You call it strategy, letting Angel corner you in an elevator, shove your face into the wall, and ravish you like the heroine of some cheap romance novel?" The eyebrow climbed a little higher.

I'd never heard Nathan phrase anything so rudely. I couldn't tell if he was trying to shock me or if he was just upset with me. Or both. I was tempted to make a joke about "taking one for the team", but I didn't think it would go over so well.

"Or perhaps," he said, before I could answer, "you could explain the strategy involved in warning Angel that Darla and Drusilla are plotting against him, thereby putting him on his guard?"

"It's all in my report," I said, gesturing toward his desk.

"I'm well aware of that," he replied. "I want to hear it from you."

I wondered what would happen to me if he didn't like my answer. A quick death, maybe, if I got lucky. Unfortunately, I'd seen a lot of unlucky people in the time I'd been working at Wolfram and Hart.

I just hadn't been prepared for this. I'd gotten about three hours' sleep, and I probably still had bourbon running through my veins. I'd spent most of the past week trying to stay ahead of Lilah, trying to keep Darla and Dru from killing me, trying to figure out what the hell was going on with Angel, and when I wasn't looking, it had all gotten dangerous. And way too complicated.

But I had to offer up some kind of explanation, because staying quiet wouldn't get me anything but dead. Whatever I said, I had to play this right, walk the line between believability and self-preservation.

"Angel's always been vulnerable to his lovers. The story of the Slayer and her poor doomed vampire is practically a legend. And that's why we brought Darla back, right? We know it's the best way to manipulate him." I took a breath. The air in the room tasted stale. "But Darla failed. Too weak as a human, and too much ugly history between them as a vampire."

"So you decided to take her place? Whores usually have more training, Lindsey. Or fewer options."

A hit solidly below the belt. I sucked in another breath, and this one came harder. "Are you complaining? I didn't realize there was a morals clause in my employment contract. And I definitely didn't think you'd care what I did to bring him to our side. As long as it worked."

"And has it?"

"Not yet. I need more time." Time to figure out exactly what had happened in that elevator.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." As he leaned forward, placing his folded hands on the desk, he put on the expression I recognized as "fatherly". Holland had done it much better. It'd helped that Holland had never looked like he was two steps from the grave.

"We're worried about you, Lindsey."

"There's no reason to be worried," I replied.

"Oh, I think there is. You've never really had any sense of perspective where Angel's concerned, and an intimate relationship can only complicate matters. That's true in the best of circumstances, and these are hardly the best circumstances."

"I can do this," I insisted. "I'm still co-vice president of Special Projects. That makes Angel a top priority."

Nathan let out a small sigh. "Yes. Co-vice president. And I think, perhaps, that it's best if you leave Angel to Lilah."

I hadn't expected that. I frowned, confusedly trying to follow Nathan's thought processes. "Lilah? Lilah's never had any success at handling Angel."

"She'll learn," said Nathan. "For her own good, and for yours."

I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing. They actually expected Lilah to deal with Angel? "You're kicking me off the project?"

"We're reassigning you, Lindsey. Your division's working on plenty of other assignments, and I'm sure they could use your talents." He flipped open a folder sitting on his desk and scanned the contents. "I'd suggest you focus on talent recruitment. We could certainly use more telepaths on staff, especially since the failure of the Bethany project."

I nodded slowly. What else could I do? "All right. Fine. I assume I'll be kept up-to-date on the situation with Angel?"

"Of course," he replied, with an intentionally obvious lie. I'd pushed too hard. They didn't trust me any more. Not where Angel was concerned.

I stood up, ready to head back to my office, but Nathan came out from behind the desk and put a friendly hand on my shoulder.

"Lindsey, before Holland," a tactful pause, "passed on, he was worried about your lack of a healthy and stable social life."

"Does Lilah have a 'healthy and stable social life'?" I didn't care how petty that sounded.

"That's beside the point," he said, but the half-smile on his face told me I'd scored a point. "We're talking about you. Go out more. Live like a young man should. Meet a nice girl. Or even a nice boy, if that's what you need. But Angel is certainly not what you need, is he, Lindsey?"

I shook my head slightly. Dread rose up in my throat as Nathan reached back toward his desk for his Rolodex.

"Perhaps we should put you in touch with our agency. Tall, dark, and…human, I'd say."

"No!" The very last thing I needed was the firm getting involved in my love life. It was twisted enough as it was. "No, you're right. I'll stay away from Angel, if you think it's best."

He patted me on the back one more time. "You know we only have your best interests at heart."

Right. And that report I'd given him was the God's honest truth. "I appreciate that, Nathan."

I made sure to shut the door firmly behind me.

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[> Subject: What We Regain (Part 2)


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 19:44:39 11/25/02 Mon

************
Fool you once, you are forgiven.
Fool you twice, you're just a fool.

-- Mary Chapin-Carpenter
************

I knew that she was there as soon as I took the first step into my office. Something in the air always tips me off -- a scent, or just a feeling I can never quite pin down. A shiver in my bones.

"Darling," she said, emerging from the shadows after I shut the door.

"What are you doing here, Darla?" I dodged her embrace and headed to my desk while she watched me with that amused smile. "You know the vamp detectors are always on duty."

"Don't worry about that. I've taken care of it."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

She ignored me and wandered towards the desk, brushing a casual hand across the top of one of the extra chairs before she lowered herself into it. Gently wriggling her hips, she settled in and leaned back, making herself comfortable.

"So tell me, Lindsey, did you run to Angel as soon as we left you last night, or did you wait until you thought the coast was clear?"

I froze for a moment, then sat down heavily, hoping she'd write off my reaction as mere fatigue. Maybe she was bluffing. I reached with my good hand and loosened my tie. "I didn't run to Angel at all." Technically, it was true. He'd come to me.

She laughed at that. I could just imagine her practicing that laugh a few hundred years ago, when she'd made her living as a courtesan. It sounded completely real, and that was what gave it away. "Do give me some credit. You come to meet with me and Dru smelling of Angel, and you think I won't figure out what's going on? I spent a hundred years with him, Lindsey. I know how he can be when he wants something -- soul or no soul. He's very persistent."

I tried to read her expression, but with the curtains drawn, I couldn't make out the details of her face. I knew she'd have no problem seeing mine, but I still wasn't convinced that she actually knew anything.

"You know, I risked a lot getting those names for you and Drusilla. What makes you think I'm working with Angel?"

Shifting in the chair, she lifted her legs and propped them up on the edge of my desk, crossing one ankle over the other. "I didn't say you were working with him. Sleeping with him is another matter entirely."

Jesus Christ. Was there anyone who hadn't seen that tape of me and Angel? He'd probably have kittens if he ever realized how much of an audience we'd had. And then my stomach twisted as it hit me. She shouldn't have been part of that audience.

"You saw the tape," I said, hating the obvious conclusion. Knowing it was right.

"In living color," she replied, and something ugly crept into her voice. It sounded like jealousy. I wanted to think she was jealous of Angel, but I knew it wouldn't be that easy. "A private showing, as a matter of fact. Just me, Dru, and Lilah -- a little girls' night out. Nathan was happy to pass it along once he'd finished with it."

I shook my head, realizing just how thoroughly I'd been played by all of them. "You've been working with Wolfram and Hart all along, haven't you?"

"Only since my dear Angel set us on fire." She ran a delicate hand across her face, which had healed completely. "Before that, I thought I could get through to him somehow. I thought that I knew him. But in that garage, I didn't recognize what I saw. And he'd changed his tactics. I knew I wouldn't beat him alone."

"Why didn't you come to me?" I asked. "I would have helped you." Maybe that was true, and maybe it wasn't, but I wanted to get out of this without her breaking my neck.

"Maybe," she said. "But I looked at you in that cellar, and I didn't like what I saw. No fear at all. A room full of people pissing themselves because they were so afraid, and you didn't flinch." She cocked her head at me, staring at me like I smelled bad. "I don't like people who aren't afraid of me. Lilah, she's afraid. I can use that. But you, my boy, are unpredictable. After all, I never would have guessed that you'd seduce Angel."

"That's not exactly what happened," I protested.

"Oh, spare me the details. Please." She swung her legs back to the ground and stood up, smoothing her skirt. "You think I care who he fucks?"

"Yeah, I think you do." I stayed seated, convinced if I moved that she'd kill me, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Old habit.

"Not for long, Lindsey. You're just a toy, to him and to me. And when he's Angelus again, when we bring him back home, I'll serve you to him as an appetizer."

She didn't bother slamming the door shut when she stormed out, although it would have been the perfect finish to the conversation. She probably thought that she'd made enough threats to keep me quiet. But she'd said it herself -- I didn't scare easily. If she killed me, she killed me, and that was that. Or maybe the firm would get to me first. But there was no way I was just gonna sit back and wait for the ax to fall. Between the two of them, they'd forced me to choose, and it didn't look like I was welcome on their side any more.

In the meantime, I knew now that the firm had hatched some plot with Darla and Dru to turn Angel dark. Somehow. Unfortunately, I still didn't have any details, and I didn't think Darla or Nathan would fill me in any time soon.

Lying low was probably my best option. Stay out of their way, learn as much as I could. Figure out how to get myself out of this situation. Definitely what I should do, if I had any sense at all.

But if I kept my mouth shut, God only knew what they would do to Angel. I had to talk to him.

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[> Subject: What We Regain (Part 3)


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 19:45:46 11/25/02 Mon

************
Silence has become our only currency.
You pay me, and I'll be sure to pay you back.

--Jonatha Brooke
************

I got back to my apartment at about eight that night after a long and boring day tracking down potential telepaths and telekenetics. Most of the time, broken crockery indicates a hormonal adolescent, not undeveloped psychic power. But try telling that to parents eager to see their little Susie become the next Miss Cleo. They don't exactly take it well.

I tossed my briefcase on to the sofa, made sure Darla wasn't lurking in a corner, and headed into my bedroom, where I kept the spare cell phone. The one I hoped the firm didn't know about. Just in case, I swept it for bugs – supernatural and technical – then dialed Angel's number.

"I need to talk to you. It's ur-"

Click.

"Fucking coward," I muttered as I hit redial. Apparently confrontations only happened on Angel's schedule.

The phone rang four or five times until the answering machine finally picked up. "Hi, you've reached Angel Investigations. We help the hopeless. Leave a message and we'll get right back to you." Still the perky girl's voice on the machine. I was a little surprised that he hadn't changed it, but then I tried to imagine Angel recording his own message.

"Angel, pick up." Silence. "Goddamnit, quit being stupid and pick up." I waited another thirty seconds, but he still didn't pick up the phone. "Fine. I'm coming over."

I heard him pick up and say, "Wait a minute…" before I hung up on him.

It took me longer than I expected to get to the Hyperion. I had to spend forty-five minutes ditching the guy tailing me, and then ditching the backup. Wolfram and Hart's normal routine didn't include in-person surveillance, but I had a feeling that I might have moved up the priority list. I knew they'd find out eventually that I'd gone to see Angel, but as long as they didn't hear what we talked about, I didn't care. I probably wouldn't have time to.

He'd left the front door open, and I got halfway into the dark lobby before I had to stop for fear of tripping over something. "Angel?"

"What do you want, Lindsey?" The voice came from somewhere in the shadows, but I couldn't pinpoint it.

"That's kind of a complicated question, isn't it?" I replied, turning to face the general direction the voice had come from. "It might be better if we took this outside."

"Outside?"

"By the fountain."

I listened intently but didn't hear anything, even when I saw him emerge from a corner and step into the dim light cast from the door leading to the courtyard. He pushed open the door, and I followed him outside into the mild night air.

The fountain bubbled away, and I hoped the noise of the water would be loud enough to mess up any bugs the firm had planted inside the Hyperion. He didn't make any move to sit down, and I didn't need him looming over me any more than he already did. So we stood there, staring at the fountain, until I got bored. Took about twenty seconds.

"Last night…"

"I don't want to talk about last night."

I sighed. Everything always had to be a battle. "We don't have to talk about the elevator. But I've found out a little more about what Darla and Dru are up to. Maybe you didn't believe me when I warned you last night…"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him shrug. "I believed you. Darla's always plotting something. It keeps her entertained. I just don't know why you're telling me instead of helping her. "

I huffed in bitter amusement. "She's not real happy with me right now. Neither is my boss, and I bet Lilah's already measuring for curtains in my office."

"That still doesn't tell me anything, Lindsey. Why are you so convinced that there's a big, dangerous plan?"

I shoved my hands into my pockets. "Darla came to my office last week. She wanted a list of contacts--clients of the firm that could help her, give her access to power."

"And you gave it to her." He didn't sound surprised.

"Of course I gave it to her." I shook my head, marveling at his naivete. Or maybe it was stubbornness. "What was I supposed to do, Angel? If I hadn't given it to her, she would have killed me and gotten it from some other source."

"So you gave her a list, and she told you all the details of her evil plan?"

"No," I said. "She just gave me some hints. You know she can never resist that. She and Dru are excited about this, whatever it is. But Angel, that's not how I know they're serious. I thought they were trying to stay under Wolfram and Hart's radar. But they're not. They're working with Wolfram and Hart. They have the firm's full backing -- money, personnel, everything."

For the first time since I'd arrived, he looked at me. I smirked at him. "Got your attention?"

"They're working with Darla? They don't care about what happened at Holland's house?"

I shrugged. "Collateral damage. Big picture. We work in a dangerous field. If they think Darla can help get them what they want, then they'll back Darla."

"And they want me," Angel said.

"They want you on their side. That's why they…we…brought Darla back." I heard him shift slightly. Maybe he was looking at my prosthesis and remembering the night I'd helped resurrect her. "If you slept with her and achieved perfect happiness, they had you. If she died from the syphilis, and you fell into some kind of incapacitating despair, they had you. Even if she just managed to knock you out of commission, one way or the other, at least you weren't interfering with any of their plans."

"So what happened when you gave Darla this client list?"

"I pressed her for information about what she was gonna do. She wouldn't tell me, of course, but it has to be something new. Something they haven't tried before." I curled my toes inside my shoes, digging into the sole. A nervous habit, and one that I'd never bothered to break, since opposing counsel doesn't usually look at your feet. "And then last night, in the elevator…" I trailed off, and he interrupted before I figured out how I could possibly finish that sentence.

"I *don't* want to talk about it." The emphasis in his voice pissed me off, like he thought if he just made it into an order, I'd obey.

"Of course you don't want to talk! That's half of the reason we ended up fucking on camera in front of Wolfram and Hart's entire security staff!"

"What?" Shocked and angry. More entertaining than bored, at least. "I disabled the camera."

I finally gave in, unbuttoning my jacket and sitting down. "They had a backup camera I didn't know about."

"Of course you didn't," he sneered, stepping closer to tower over me. "Did you really think you could blackmail me with this? That I'd care that much?"

"Damnit, Angel, I didn't know about it. You think this situation is doing me any good? I've got my boss breathing down my neck, Darla threatening to kill me, and no idea what the fuck's going on in your head."

He shook his head slightly and stared past me at the water in the fountain.

"Besides," I said, "people give into blackmail to protect their reputations. In the past few weeks, you've left fifteen people to die, abandoned your friends, set Darla and Dru on fire, and screwed me in an elevator. What kind of a reputation do you think you have left?"

He didn't say anything, but he sat down next to me and rubbed his hands over his face.

"Listen," I said, my voice barely loud enough to carry over the sound of the fountain. "They're forcing me to choose. I've got no other way to go at this point. They know about last night. They know I warned you. I don't know why they haven't killed me yet, but they've basically put Lilah in charge of Special Projects. You can either work with me, or you can wait for them to put their plan into motion. They'll come after you no matter what, and without me, you've got no one on the inside."

In essence, I was offering to throw my career away. To choose his side.

He raised his head and looked at me, his gaze searching. I wanted to touch him, but it would probably the stupidest thing I'd done since …well, since last night. Maybe if he accepted my offer…if we actually worked together…maybe…

Finally, he shook his head. "I think you should go."

The rush of disappointment and disbelief slammed into me. "What?"

"What am I supposed to do, take care of you? Make sure your evil employers and former allies don't hurt you?" Despite the words, his tone was almost gentle, and it made me want to punch him.

"You're supposed to work with me, asshole. We're in this together."

He shook his head again. He didn't seem angry. More like regretful. Not that his regrets did me any good. "Look, last night…shouldn't have happened."

Fuck his pathetic attempt at patching things up. "I don't need you to tell me that."

"It…complicated things, but I have to stop Darla. And I don't trust you to help with that."

Of course he didn't. There was no reason he should. "I don't trust you either, but I'm trying to keep both of us alive. You can't do this without me."

His expression hardened. "Watch me. You're a liability, Lindsey. Stay out of my way."

"You're the one making me a liability instead of an asset, you know." I stood up, surprised at how shaky I felt. I guess I'd thought that I'd really had him, this time. That he'd have to let me help him, and be grateful for it, instead of spitting in my face yet again. "I want to stay alive, if that's even possible any more. If you get in my way…"

He looked up at me. "Do what you have to. I'm going to do the same."

I wanted to continue the conversation, keep arguing, but I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere. Angel hardly ever changed his mind about anything. Certainly not me. But I could at least get in a parting shot. I headed for the entrance back into the hotel, then turned back to face him. He was still sitting by the fountain, watching me go.

"Just so I have this straight. I'm good enough for a quick fuck, but I'm not allowed to save your life?"

He flinched at that, but I didn't feel any sense of triumph. I just left.

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[> Subject: What We Regain (Part 4)


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 19:47:01 11/25/02 Mon

************
You know, freedom's just a stupid superstition
'Cause life's a highway that you travel blind

-- Jim White
************

Lilah strolled into my office the next morning, and before I even looked up at her, I could tell she was gloating. Hard. Nathan had obviously informed her of my reassignment, and she'd come to have some fun at my expense.

"So how's the local psychic population? Are you busy passing out your business card at job fairs and high schools?"

"Don't you have anything better to do, Lilah?"

She smiled and arched a plucked eyebrow at me. "I guess I do, considering that Nathan's handed me total control of the Angel project."

"And I'm sure you'll do a bang-up job," I replied. "Or maybe you'll demonstrate your total incompetence and lack of imagination."

She came around my desk and leaned against nonchalantly against the edge. "Imagination? Sex in an elevator isn't very imaginative, Lindsey. In fact, I'd say it's quite a cliche'. 'Oh, fuck me, Angel. Touch me, Angel. Harder, Angel. I need you so much, Angel.' That was quite a show the two of you put on."

I had to grit my teeth before I could reply, and the memory of last night's conversation with Angel didn't make it any easier. "If I'd known you were gonna be getting off on it, I'd have made sure the camera got my good side."

A throaty chuckle slipped out of her. "Oh, I saw quite enough. I'm surprised you could even walk yesterday. But I guess with enough practice, you can get used to anything."

"What do you want, Lilah? Measurements? Isn't that taking voyeurism a little too far? Or are you just upset that Angel wouldn't look twice at you?"

"I don't want anything from you, Lindsey. Believe me. And you want to know what's even better?" Her eyes glittered with malicious glee. "There's nothing you could give me. Not any more. After that little stunt you pulled, I'm just surprised that Nathan left all of your body parts intact." She chuckled again, amused by her own cleverness. "All of your body parts that don't already belong to Angel."

"So you're really just in here to gloat?"

"Gloat, mock, celebrate your humiliating demotion. Take your pick."

Boy, she was really enjoying herself. That meant that she'd lowered her guard, too busy laughing at me to really consider what she was saying. I'd be a fool not to exploit this opportunity and try to find out her plans. I told myself that my desire to know had nothing to do with Angel. Nothing. It was just a question of professional curiosity. Plus, I could never pass up a chance to score some points against Lilah.

"How about you leave and let me get back to work? Unless you need my help, of course. Go ahead, Lilah. Fill me in on all the details, and I'll tell you what you need to do next."

The insult got to her. "Oh, are you feeling left out? It must kill you, being out of the loop like this."

I shrugged. "I'll survive. Which is more than I can say for you. You've placed yourself in a pretty dangerous position. Angel's been pretty grumpy these days, and he'd probably kill you just to shut you up. Unless Darla and Drusilla get there first."

She leaned down close enough that I could feel her breath brush over my face. "Your days here are numbered, Lindsey. You went too far, and you got caught. And I can't wait to see them string you up for it."

Her attempt at intimidation almost made me laugh, but I didn't want to break the mood. I just leaned back in my chair and smiled at her.

"You know what? I played out this whole scene with Darla yesterday, so I'm really getting kind of bored with the threats. Unless you have something new to say, I think we're done here. All I have to do is wait for Angel to take you apart, and then there won't be any more of this co-vice president bullshit."

"You're right," she said, still leaning over me. "No more co-vice presidents. But you're the one who'll be gone, Lindsey, not me. Everyone's got a weakness, and Angel's no different."

I kept on smiling, knowing that she didn't have a clue what she'd just done. "Bye-bye, Lilah. Make sure to shut the door on your way out."

I could tell she was dying to get the last word, but it just wasn't gonna happen this time. But she left the door open just to be petty. I hardly even noticed, as I tried to figure out what she'd meant by that piece of information she'd let slip. *Everyone's got a weakness, and Angel's no different.*

Lilah's sense of insecurity had always been the key to manipulating her. Once I'd suggested that she couldn't handle Angel, she'd overcompensated to prove that she could. But what had she meant? What was Angel's weakness? I thought about it for a few minutes, running possibilities through my head, but there were just too many variables. I needed more information.

I picked up the phone and dialed Steve Strassman's extension. "Steve," I said when he picked up. "It's Lindsey. You wanna go grab a drink after work?"

We made plans to meet at Chances, a bar not too far from the office, and hung up. I spent the rest of the day following up leads on telepaths and trying not to lose my mind from sheer boredom. As inconvenient as it was when Angel was trying to kill me, at least it kept things interesting.

When I arrived at six o'clock, Chances was packed with a typical Friday evening crowd. The noise level made it difficult to hear, but that meant that Steve and I would have a good chance of talking without anyone eavesdropping. I spotted him at a table not far from the door, already halfway through a double shot of something. I dropped into a chair next to him and reached up to loosen my tie.

"Started without me?" I motioned a waitress over and ordered a scotch.

Steve shook his head. "Hell, yes. Harrington threatened me twice today with dismemberment. And I know he meant it literally."

"Yeah, well, I'm not Nathan Reed's favorite person right now, either."

With a quick motion, he tossed back the rest of his drink. "I know. There's a pool going in Contracts to see how long it'll take him try and have you killed. Smart money's on eight days from now."

"You mean *your* money's on eight days from now."

He reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Yeah," he said, tapping one out. "Got any inside info? I'll cut you in on the take if you survive."

Smug bastard. "You ought to know better than to bet against me, Steve."

He lit his cigarette, took a drag, and exhaled. The smoke didn't travel far. "Actually, I do. That's why I'm here, talking to you, even though you're on Reed's shit list. What do you need?"

"Lilah's up to her neck in something. Something involving Angel, the vampire. I need to know what it is."

He didn't answer for a while. I listened to the people around us, only able to catch snatches of conversation. A shrill-voiced woman debating the merits of plastic surgery with her friends. Several guys trying to pick up uninterested women. 401ks, stock options, IRAs. The Dodgers' prospects for the upcoming season. It was all very normal, and it made me feel suddenly tired.

I nudged Steve with my foot. "Any day now."

He'd smoked his cigarette down to a stub; he dropped it in the ashtray and put his elbows on the table, leaning in towards me. "What do I get out of this?"

I thought about it for a minute, but one of us had to go first, and the scotch wasn't good enough to tempt me into staying any longer than I had to. "If you can get your hands on certain prescription records, you might find out that Lilah's not exactly the poster girl for just saying no."

He let out a low whistle. "Really?"

"Yeah. Darvoset, Percodan, and Vicodin. Her holy trinity."

"I probably know some people who'd be interested in that bit of information."

"You probably do," I agreed. "Your turn."

"The latest word from Accounting is that Lilah's hired a group of three supernatural mercenaries. The kind that specialize in finding people and doing ugly things to them."

I took a second to digest this and think about who the potential targets might be. "Any idea when or where this is supposed to happen?"

Steve shrugged. "It could go down any day. That's all I've got, man, and I don't think I want to know any more. You Special Projects people take things too seriously."

I believed him. People rarely take sides at Wolfram and Hart, at least not openly. He'd trade gossip, but he certainly wasn't prepared to ally himself with me. And ultimately, it didn't matter, because there wasn't a damn thing he could do for me anyway.

"All right," I said, stretching my hand out to shake his. "Thanks for the tip."

"You too." He stood up, pulled out his wallet, and tossed a few bills onto the table. "See you around."

I sat there for a while after he'd left, nursing my scotch and thinking. Lilah planned to exploit Angel's weakness, and she'd hired mercenaries to do it, somehow. I just had to figure out who the targets were. And as I thought about it, the answer became obvious. After all, Angel only had a few people he really cared about, and despite the fact that he'd gone a little crazy lately, I didn't think he was capable of simply cutting off his feelings for them. The question was, what did I do with this information?

Bare minimum, I had two choices. Do something, or sit back and wait. If I decided to do something, I had several ways I could go about it. Try to contact Angel. Right, because our last couple meetings had gone so well. I could press Steve for more information and contact the mercenaries directly, but that probably involved more personal danger than I was really comfortable with, and the results would be extremely uncertain. Or I could contact the targets directly and try to warn them without getting directly involved. Drawbacks? My bosses could easily find out and have me killed.

And then there was Door Number Two, which involved waiting for things to go down. The disadvantages to that plan: if everything worked out, Lilah would get a lot of credit, and I'd definitely be out of a job, and possibly a life. Even if it didn't work, Angel would find out about it, and he'd probably blame me. I was getting pretty damn tired of Angel blaming me every time he stubbed his toe.

And if Lilah's plan worked, three innocent people would die. I couldn't make my decision based only on that, but it did matter. It had started mattering more and more since I came face to face with death in Holland's wine cellar.

"Hi."

I looked up at the woman standing next to my table. Blonde. Pretty, but wearing too much makeup. Smiling, trying to look enticing and mysterious instead of eager.

"Can I buy you another drink?" she asked. "Unless…you're waiting for someone." The smile faltered a little bit when I didn't immediately answer her.

Without much effort, I could remember a time when I would have let her buy me a drink. I'd done this whole routine before, sitting at a table in a faceless bar, making small talk about our careers and the L.A. traffic, both just biding our time until we could slip off somewhere and have sex without looking too desperate, too needy.

Uncomplicated relationships. Unfortunately, there wasn't room in my life for uncomplicated things any more.

I stood up and reached inside my pocket for my car keys. "Sorry," I said. "I've got things to do." Weaving my way through the bodies packed into the bar, I headed for the door.

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[> Subject: What We Regain (Part 5)


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 19:49:37 11/25/02 Mon

************
And if you don't expect too much from me,
You might not be let down.
-- Gin Blossoms
************

I went back to the office; unless Lilah had ransacked the place while my back was turned, all of the files on Angel's associates were sitting on a corner of my desk. I figured that any information Lilah needed, the firm had supplied her with, and she had a bad habit of forgetting stuff she didn't consider important.

Sure enough, Lilah hadn't bothered to go through the most recent surveillance reports. Since Angel had kicked them out of the Hyperion, his former coworkers had been working out of Cordelia Chase's apartment. I tried to decide whether to call them or head over there directly. My office was certainly bugged, so that was out, and I didn't want to use my private cell phone any more than I had to. With luck, anyone who trailed me to Cordelia's apartment would assume I was over there on a date, following Nathan's advice about meeting a nice girl.

Friday evening traffic had started to clear up, but the trip over still took me almost an hour. I parked up the block from her apartment and headed inside.

The door opened almost immediately after my knock, and I looked at Cordelia Chase. It took about two seconds for her to recognize me, and an extremely unpleasant expression crossed her pretty face.

"Well," she said. "If it isn't the Evil Lawyer himself. What do you want?"

"I need to talk to you," I said. "I have some information that you might want to know."

"Right," she said. Turning away from me, she yelled back into the apartment. "Hey, Wesley! Remember that guy from Wolfram and Hart who tried to blow you up and drive me insane? He wants to talk to us!"

This probably wasn't going to go well.

I heard movement from inside the apartment, and then two more people appeared at the door. I recognized them as Wesley Wyndam-Pryce and Charles Gunn, the other members -- former members -- of Angel's staff. Neither of them looked very friendly.

"Ah, yes," said Wesley. "Lindsey McDonald, isn't it? What an unpleasant surprise."

"I know you don't have any reason to really trust me..."

Cordelia interrupted me. "Wow. What an amazing insight you have there, Lawyer Boy. I'd say that nearly killing Wesley and trying to make me crazy with a vision overload means that we have *zero* reason to trust you."

Gunn, standing behind Cordelia and Wesley, looked harder at me. "Wait a minute. This is the guy who put you two in the hospital last year?"

I couldn't help protesting. "I wasn't directly responsible, you know. I was a little busy getting my hand cut off."

"Not directly responsible?" Cordelia's voice was cold. "So if Angel and Wesley hadn't managed to cure me, only half of the time I spent screaming in pain and trying to claw my eyes out would have been your fault."

I couldn't deny that she had a good reason to be angry. "Regardless of what's happened in the past, I'm here to warn you. Darla and Drusilla are working with Wolfram and Hart, and I have reason to believe that they and Lilah Morgan plan to send mercenaries after you."

Wesley and Gunn exchanged brief glances, having a silent conversation. "Even if we believed you," said Wesley, "we are quite capable of protecting ourselves. And knowing you, it seems far more likely that you are involved with whatever scheme Wolfram and Hart and are simply trying to trap us, somehow."

"You know, I'm risking a lot coming here. You could at least listen to what I'm trying to tell you."

Cordelia leaned forward a little. "*You* listen, buddy. I remember the last time you came around, pretending to be all reformed. And I remember that your little crisis went away as soon as Wolfram and Hart waved a promotion in front of you. You hauled ass into your new office so fast that you left skid marks. So excuse me if I have a hard time believing that you've got my best interests at heart."

I sighed. "Look. I know you don't trust me. I know you don't have any reason to. But don't be stupid just so you can take a few cheap shots at me."

"Trust you?" she scoffed. "No, I don't trust you. I also don't like you. Wesley doesn't like you. Gunn doesn't like you." I twitched as the lights in her apartment and the hallway flickered. "See?" she continued. "Dennis doesn't like you either."

"Who the hell is Dennis?"

Cordelia opened her mouth to lay into me, but Wesley interrupted her. "I think it's time you left." He didn't look all that dangerous, but the vibe he gave off made me think twice. And Gunn definitely *did* look dangerous, and pretty pissed as well. Goddamnit. They were just like Angel – completely unable to put their feelings aside and face reality.

"Fine," I snapped. "Just remember to look over your shoulder. Maybe you'll see them coming."

Gunn eased out from behind Cordelia and took a menacing step forward. "Leave. Now. And don't come back."

That seemed pretty final, and I'd run out of arguments. And energy. I'd had enough of people treating me like shit when I tried to help them. I looked at Wesley, hoping that I'd gotten through to him, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking. I shook my head and headed back outside.

It occurred to me that I'd spent a lot of time lately trying to do favors for completely ungrateful people. Why the hell was I wasting my time like this? I'd been mooning over Angel for days, neglecting my career, putting my *life* in danger. And the only thing I'd managed to do was draw my boss' attention – never a good thing.

My cell phone rang. Great. Just what I needed – a late night call from the firm. I should have left the damn thing at the office. I pulled it out of my pocket and answered it on the third ring.

"Yes?"

"Lindsey."

I stifled a sigh but couldn't really make myself sound civil. He was already pissed at me; I didn't have anything to lose. "Yes, Nathan."

"Where are you right now?"

"Out running some errands."

"We need your help on a project. Do you have something to write with?"

I looked down at the prosthesis attached to my arm. "Not really."

"Then you'll just have to remember this address," he said. "907 Lincoln. The cross street is Wilkinson. I expect you there in twenty minutes." He closed the connection, leaving me no room for argument, or even discussion.

I parked not far from the warehouse Nathan had directed me to. Wolfram and Hart had lots of these properties scattered around the city. Sometimes they made useful hiding places; sometimes they were used to store certain objects that we didn't want anyone finding. This building was in a particularly deserted location, which probably meant that the firm used it for torture and occasional assassinations, since there weren't any bystanders around to hear the screams. I paused for a moment, wondering if maybe I was walking one of those assassinations. If I was, there was nothing I could do about it now. Even if I ran, they'd get me before I made it back to my car. Might as well go in and get it over with.

I pulled open the door and stepped inside. Dim light, of course, provided by a few fluorescent lights high above my head. I've never seen a well-lit covert meeting place. A few crates lined the walls, probably awaiting transit; the rest of the space was pretty empty. A cluster of people stood at the far end, near a room that had probably been a manager's office. Nathan detached himself from the group and motioned me over.

I made it halfway across the room before I saw the bars on the office windows.

"Lindsey," Nathan greeted me. "Glad you could make it." He said it like I hadn't been under the threat of death.

"No problem."

He turned to head back to the office, and I followed him obediently, not asking any of the questions churning through my mind. I had a feeling he'd tell me what was going on soon enough.

We reached the far end of the warehouse, and I could see that the three other guys standing around the office were big and burly, and one of them looked like he wasn't exactly human. These had to be Lilah's mercenaries.

"As you know," Nathan said, "we do not approve of your relationship with Angel."

"I wouldn't exactly call it a relationship."

His glare warned me that I should just shut up and listen to what he had to say. "But we believe we've found a way to use that relationship to our advantage. This would also allow you to prove your loyalty to the firm, which has certainly been in brought into question lately."

Oh, man. There was no good way for him to finish this.

"What do you want me to do?"

Nathan gestured at the office window. After a moment, I walked over to it and looked through the bars. I'd assumed the cell was for Angel, but it was already occupied. A blonde woman, her clothes torn and bloody, was chained to the wall. A closer look, and I realized that I'd seen a picture of her before, in Angel's file.

"Is that who I think it is?" I asked.

"Yes," said Nathan. "Lindsey McDonald, meet Buffy Summers."

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[> [> Subject: Okay, I told this to Dana all ready (or is that already? Gosh, where's my Strunk and White when I need it), but for this bit alone, I love Dana (in reply)


Author:
grit kitty
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Date Posted: 10:23:29 11/26/02 Tue

"We need your help on a project. Do you have something to write with?"

I looked down at the prosthesis attached to my arm. "Not really."


____________
I tell you, it's fic like this that tempts me to watch the show....

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[> Subject: What We Regain (Part 6)


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 19:50:48 11/25/02 Mon

************
I read about a woman who said
She never regretted
Anything she's ever done
Such arrogant words always seem to be spoken by those
Who then die young.

--Christine Lavin
************

I'd been wrong. Completely wrong, and now everything had gone to hell. When Lilah had mentioned Angel's "weakness", she hadn't meant his friends. She'd meant Buffy. I'd even said it myself, in Nathan's office. Angel had always been vulnerable to his lovers. Now Wolfram and Hart had Buffy in a cage, Darla working for them…and me, caught in the middle of everything.

I couldn't even try to hide my shock, but I was probably okay, since that was the reaction Nathan was going for with this setup. It let him reveal his plan in a nice dramatic way and threaten me at the same time. The message came through loud and clear: play along with us, or this is what will happen to you.

I turned away from the window. "How did you manage to capture her?" My voice came out nice and level. Good for me.

Nathan shrugged. "Surprise attacks work surprisingly well, especially when one is dealing with professionals. She was outnumbered, without backup."

"And what's to prevent her from ripping those chains out of the wall when she wakes up?"

Oh, I didn't like the look of the smile that crept across Nathan's face. "We've taken the precaution of injecting her with a combination of drugs designed to eliminate her strength and coordination."

I didn't have to pretend to look impressed. Putting a Slayer out of commission was quite an achievement, even for Wolfram and Hart. I'd seen Faith demonstrate her strength a few times, and Buffy'd supposedly beaten her in a fight. I was reminded, yet again, that it was never smart to mess with the firm.

"What do you need me to do?" I asked, dreading the response.

Nathan slipped a hand into his pocket and pulled out a vial half-filled with a dark amber liquid. "This," he said, "is a powerful sedative. You will use your relationship with Angel to get close enough to administer it to him."

"And then what?"

"And then your part is over. I will send two of these gentlemen," he nodded at the mercenaries, "to pick him up from his hotel and bring him here."

"What's the point?"

"That's really not your concern, Lindsey." He extended the vial to me, and after a second, I reached out and took it.

"Maybe not, but if you expect me to risk my life and drug Angel, I think I've got a right to know the entire story." I must have sounded angry, because the goons stood up a little straighter and started watching me closely.

"Lindsey." Nathan smiled at me again, a creepy little half-smile that made me want to shiver. "You should know by know that you have no rights where Angel is concerned. But there's no harm in telling you. We'll bring him here. We'll show him that we have Buffy as a hostage against his good behavior. And then he'll be working for us."

"And you really think that'll work?"

"If he has any doubts, I'm sure those doubts will fade once he realizes that Miss Summers' health is at stake."

Would that keep Angel in line? There was a damn good chance it might. Even as mysterious as he'd been lately, I had a hard time imagining that he'd walk away and let Buffy be hurt, and the chances of his rescuing her were slim, especially if she was disabled. Even if he managed to get his friends' help, Nathan could have Buffy killed before they got close enough to save her. So Angel would have to do what they said – be Wolfram and Hart's lapdog. And Darla's. And Lilah's.

Goddamnit. Outmaneuvered again. And damn Angel, for being too fucking stubborn to listen to me when I warned him.

"That's quite a plan," I said. "Who came up with it?"

He shook his head. "You know better than that. Trade secrets, Lindsey."

I didn't bother pushing him on it, since I was willing to bet that most of it had been Darla's idea. Maximum humiliation for both Buffy and Angel? Check. Angel forced to rejoin her side? Check. Wolfram and Hart's gratitude? Check.

Nathan reached out and took me by the arm. I didn't resist as he started steering me towards the door. "I think it's time for you to fulfill your part of this plan. No sense in waiting. You do have the details straight?"

"Go see Angel, distract him, and drug him. Without getting killed."

Nathan's voice was light, like he was talking about sending me to the store to pick up a gallon of milk and some cigs. "I'm sure we can count on you to do whatever's necessary."

Oh, that was cheap, coming from a man who'd called me a whore two days ago. "Sure," I said, trying as hard as I could to feel detached. I didn't know what to do; I couldn't see any way out of this, and I didn't know if I wanted to or not. Nathan kept talking, and I kept listening, even while I was having a quiet freakout in the back corner of my brain.

"Those two gentlemen will follow you to the Hyperion." He gestured back at the two human-looking thugs. The one with the spiky things sticking out of his neck just leaned back against the wall and smiled with a mouth packed full of too many teeth. "When they see you leave, they'll proceed into the hotel and retrieve Angel. There's no need for you to wait around after your job is done. We'll just see you in the office Monday morning, bright and early, and we can discuss your current caseload."

Another unspoken message. Do this, do it right, and you'll be rewarded. Get it wrong, and you've used up your last chance. Looking at it from Nathan's perspective, I figured he thought he was being generous. He probably expected me to be grateful for merely being whored out instead of killed.

"Fine," I muttered as we reached the door, incredibly tired of this whole conversation. "I should get going."

Nathan released my arm, but only to pat me on the back. "I'm glad to see you've made the right choice, Lindsey." The door shut on his smiling face..

Choice. When was the last time I'd actually had a choice about anything? I kept deluding myself into thinking I had some control over my life. I didn't. I had Darla, Nathan, and Angel making my decisions for me, backing me into corners and giving me instructions. Go away. Come here. Do this. Ignore that. Spread your legs and bend over.

Well, fuck that. I was done. Finished with this shit. All I had to do was make it through this fucked up mess and not get myself killed. Keep my head down, do as I was told. Then I'd let the dust settle a little bit.

And then I'd figure out how to get the hell away from Wolfram and Hart.

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[> Subject: New chapters of What We Regain, for anyone inclined to comment.


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 20:05:31 01/17/03 Fri


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[> [> Subject: What We Regain (Part 7) (NC-17)


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 20:08:18 01/17/03 Fri

The Hyperion was dark again. He probably hadn't bothered to turn the lights on since he'd kicked his friends out. I stood outside for a good ten minutes, staring at the windows, trying to prepare myself for what I was about to do.

I'd grown up watching my father apologize to creditors, beg banks for extensions on loans, hold on to the little we had by kissing as much ass as he needed to. And I'd sworn I wasn't going to be like that. I was going to be rich, powerful, in control of my own life. Holland had promised that to me when he'd recruited me, and again when he'd promoted me, and maybe he'd thought he was telling the truth. Maybe if he'd still been alive, this situation would never have happened. But it had, and I was standing in front of a mostly-abandoned hotel, about to destroy Angel.

I wasn't sure what I'd do if he wasn't actually at the hotel, but I figured there was no point in giving myself another problem. I'd deal with it if it happened. I took a last look over my shoulder; the goons were sitting in their car halfway down the block, watching me. I resisted the urge to flip them off. Instead I walked up to the door and pushed it open.

The lobby was as dark as it had been last time I'd been there, and as far as I could tell, Angel wasn't waiting in a corner to guide me. There were some faint lights illuminating the big staircase against one wall, so I walked past the reception desk and headed up the stairs. Once I reached the top, a hallway extended in either direction, but one door had light spilling out from underneath. Bingo.

The door opened when I turned the handle, and I stepped inside, straight into a blade held across my throat. I froze -- not like there was anything else I could do. After about ten seconds, the sword lowered, and I turned my head to the right to see Angel standing there. He looked tired.
"What are you doing here?"

So far, he hadn't slammed me against a wall or tried to choke me. I figured that had to be progress. "I can't just drop by for a friendly visit?"

He huffed and reached for a scabbard, sliding the sword inside without a hitch. "I thought I told you to stay out of my way."

"Yeah, well, I don't take orders that well."

"Isn't that kind of a problem in your line of work?" he said.

"Probably," I replied. "But I've got worse ones." Since it looked like I was safe for the next few minutes, I scanned the rest of the room. Little kitchen off to the right, glass doors straight ahead leading to what had to be the bedroom.

"Nice place," I said. "Do you get room service?"

He ignored me and headed over to a nearby table. A plastic container was sitting on its surface. It looked like one of those things that got delivered with Chinese takeout, full of egg drop soup, but this one was halfway filled with blood. I was glad the lid was still on. He sat down in one of the chairs, but didn't make any other move.

The longer he stayed quiet, the worse I felt about what I was here to do. "So, have you reconsidered my offer?"

He huffed again. "Don't tell me that's what you came here for."

"Why not?"

"Because you're wasting my time. And yours. I don't need your help."

"Is that why you kicked out your friends? Were they a waste of time too?" I was hoping he'd get angry. Things would be easier on me if he was angry, but he didn't rise to the bait.

"Lindsey." God, he sounded tired. And old. "What do you want? What are you doing here? Did Wolfram and Hart send you?"

"No," I lied. "They told me to stay away from you."

"But you're here."

"Like I told you. I don't take orders well."

That almost got a smile out of him. Damn, he was in a strange mood. The one time I wanted him to be pissy and contemptuous, and instead he was having a fucking conversation with me. I was gonna have to either change tactics, or work harder at starting a fight. Or both. I decided to switch to a touchier subject.

"Heard from Darla lately?"

He looked a little more interested in that. "Why? Have you?"

"Are you kidding me? I'm out of the loop now. I'm lucky they don't have me down in Files and Records, dusting the boxes. Besides, you're the one who's supposed to be figuring out how to take her down."

That scored a hit. "Stay out of it, Lindsey."

I pushed on, digging in deeper. "I hope you've got something to show for all this time."

"Lindsey." The low snarl was probably supposed to scare me, but there was no way I was stopping now.

"I mean, it's sad, if you think about it. You tossed all of your friends out. You've completely failed to stop Darla and Dru, who, by the way, are in bed with Wolfram and Hart. You even got caught fucking me on tape. Really, the last few weeks of your life have been a total disaster."

The chair clattered to the floor when he leapt up and lunged for me, knocking me against the wall next to the door. His arm pressed across my throat like a steel bar.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed? Is that it?"

I was tired of thinking, tired of second-guessing everything I did and wondering if my next move would get me killed. I damn well didn't want to think about the little vial in my pocket. There was no other way to distract him long enough to drug the blood. And besides, I was tired of finding reasons not to do what I wanted to do.

He didn't resist when I shoved his arm aside and kissed him, even though I expected him to. Maybe he'd been thinking about this, just like I had. Maybe the fact that he was kissing me back meant something. Maybe, maybe. What the fuck did I know?

I pushed my tongue against his lips and they opened right up, letting me lick his tongue and his teeth and the roof of his mouth. His hands slipped down from my shoulders to my waist, and I let out something like a whimper when he pulled me against him. My whole body was tingling, and I dug my fingers into his arms to stop my hands from shaking.

"I shouldn't want this," he whispered. "I don't know why…"

I twisted my hips and pressed a thigh against his erection. "You do. I do. Shut up."

His head tipped back against the wall, and I had to smile. "You like that?" I leaned further into him and watched as his eyes drifted shut. God, I'd spent the past three days just wanting to touch him, and now I could. I reached down with my good hand and tugged his shirt free of his pants, unbuttoned it. When I put my hand on his chest, he looked down at me and shocked me with a smile of his own.

"C'mon," he said. "Bed."

We stumbled through the darkened room, rubbing against each other with every step. By the time we reached the unmade bed, he'd taken off my jacket and tie and buried his face in my neck, mouthing along my collarbone. Last time, in the elevator, I'd had to goad and push him into everything, but now he was just as eager as I was, and it made me so hard that I could barely think.

I kicked off my shoes, stepped back and sat down on the bed, pulling him to me with a hand curled loosely into his waistband. He reached down to unfasten his belt, but I leaned forward and mouthed the outline of his cock through his pants. He gripped my hair so tightly that it stung, and I retaliated by lightly digging my teeth into him. His head tipped back, and the groan that he let out was the best thing I'd heard in days. I pulled back and let him take off his belt and pants while I unbuttoned my shirt. It was easier to take off than put on one-handed. He pushed me back onto the bed and draped himself over me, and for the first time, I felt his skin against mine, cool and smooth.

He kissed me again, leisurely, like he had time to enjoy himself. It had been hard enough to have him hate me. I wasn't sure I could stand this new tenderness. I bit his lip, and he jerked back, startled. Reaching between us, I fumbled at my belt, and he probably figured that I was just impatient, because he sat back on his heels and helped me unfasten it. Seconds later, it seemed like, my pants and socks were gone too, and he was flat on top of me again, pressing the breath out of me. He came right back to my mouth, kissing me deep and slow, and I couldn't fight it. Didn't want to.

His hips moved restlessly, rubbing his cock against my stomach, rubbing mine with his movements. I pulled my mouth away so I could breathe, and he leaned into my neck, his teeth sharp against my skin. I planted my feet flat on the bed and shoved up against him, my cock brushing against his in just the right way. I did it again, but his weight kept pushing me back down into the mattress.

"Goddamnit, Angel…"

He reached down and grabbed my cock, lined himself up, and started thrusting against it, the head skating over the sweet spot. I could feel the pressure starting to build, the pleasure intensifying with his hand wrapped around me, his cock rubbing and sliding against mine, getting slicker and slicker with every movement.

I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to come. I wanted it over. I wanted it to never end, so I wouldn't have to do what came next.

I stifled my groan as I came, feeling his grip tighten around me as I shoved up into his hand one last time. The muscles in my legs ached with strain; I dropped back down on to the bed, the sheets underneath me cool against the sweat on my back. After I stopped moving, he let go of me, placed his hand above my shoulder, dropped his head, and started thrusting desperately against my hip. I wrapped my arms around him and held tight as he shuddered and shook and came, his lips pressed against my neck.

He collapsed onto me, an elbow landing on my stomach. I made some sort of squished noise, and he mumbled, "Sorry," and slid over to the side, where he immediately fell asleep.

I lay there, listening to the faint sounds of traffic outside. I didn't know exactly what I'd expected, but that sure hadn't been it. Every time I thought I had a bead on Angel, he took some kinda left turn and left me standing in the dust, with no idea what the hell had happened. He'd threatened to kill me when I tried to help him, ignored me when I warned him, and kissed me when I insulted him.

I wondered if he was as confused as I was, if he felt backed into a corner by Darla and Drusilla and Lilah. And me. We'd pushed him to the edge, bringing Darla back, not knowing that she'd simply waste away from syphilis, and I'd helped save her the only way I could. It hadn't been my idea, but I'd run with it, rubbed Angel's face in it, made him watch as Drusilla turned Darla. As a human, Darla had been helpless, scared and confused -- and always focused on Angel. At least we'd had that in common.

And then she'd been vamped.

I could deal fine with evil. I'd had plenty of practice. But I couldn't handle being ignored, left on the floor of the wine cellar with goddamn Lilah, like an oversight. I'd never been anything to Darla but a pawn.

I slid gently out of the bed, found my pants on the floor, and pulled them on. I stood there for a minute, watching Angel sleep. It was probably the first time I'd ever seen him relaxed. Almost peaceful. And vulnerable. With his reflexes, he could probably stop me if I tried to stake him, but he was still taking a risk. Maybe he didn't take me seriously enough to consider me a threat. Or maybe he'd begun to trust me.

His sense of timing had always sucked.

I slipped out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. The unopened container of blood still sat on the little table. When I pried open the lid, the smell of the blood struck me and immediately called up memories of the wine cellar. I had to hope that association would eventually fade. I was in the wrong line of work to have issues with blood.

I'm sorry, I thought. I'm sorry it came to this. I'm sorry I couldn't figure out how to get myself out of this.

Then I worked the stopper out of the vial and poured the contents into the blood.

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[> [> [> Subject: I lied. Only one chapter for now.


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 20:18:23 01/17/03 Fri


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