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Date Posted: 09:10:55 07/29/01 Sun
Author: xinning
Subject: .......

hey pplz, i tink i ought to put some stuff down in here but i dun reallie noe wat i can sae or wat i shld sae. let's see how i get into the mood lah...

first thing first, i feel tt canoeing life has come to an end. N i cannot let go yet. it's hard loh, reallie... n tough to let go of our heart n soul to conc on our studies now. it's like a piece of rope held in tension ( by a canoe?) for 1.5 yrs suddenly cut loose w/o any warning. n i'm feeling as slack as the rope wif no goal in life, n as lost as the canoe, no direction in mind. ( do i sound like i'm reciting a rythme??) everytime i go to class, i dun dread being exhausted frm previous trgs n falling asleep. but i do still doze off, n tt's frm being so sianz of an empty sch life wif no more canoeing. i dunno if many of u all feel like tt too, but i cannot seem to re-adjust myself at all. free afternoons n esp sunday todae were so funni, they seem so out of place. i onlie feel so uneasy n figety at home doing nth...
i'm trying to link as much of my life to canoeing as much as possible in sch so tt i can still contn things on as normally as possible. mabbe u all wld only sae ii'm making things worse fer myself but it reallie isn't tt easy to let go wat. all my life i've bin doing sports or engaging in likeable stuff tt takes up my attention. but canoeing period has passed by n studying is not exactly wat i haf in mind to replace the empty slot. i'm not like u guys out dere, able to place priority n importance towards studying which i haf no aptitude fer tt at all. i turn to going to library more often so i can see u all guys n hope tt i can feel more at ease wif life den cos of ur familiar faces tt appeared so many times in the things i do. truthfully, i dun understand y shi'en, u wld choose to avoid us when i was hoping to see more of u all instead. rather ironic, wldn't u agree? it certainly doesn't help tt teachers all sae to mi my attitude sucks n comment eva so freely on my disastrous results. adrian, xiuwen n all geog ppl noe it wat... the wae ms ting picks on mi n MI ONLIE in lectures n classes. weiye too, abt my dropping n laffable grades in art hist n design paper, such tt even a kid will mock at dem. even i tink tt i'm getting so hopeless oredi... my fav subject is nolonger giving mi any satisfaction at all n i only wish to get the blue slip or pon sch each dae i wake up. ok, it's reallie the post-canoeing blues tt's upseting my life tt much i guess. but i reallie dun care abt exams anymore. i hate studying n learning stuff in sch. u all appears like it's not too bad, n u all can take it, doing hw n stuff, preparing fer mocks n revising so diligently. yah, i do feel so alone cos i seem to be tying myself down n nobody else seems to be entangled like mi in this mental mess. wat r u guys made of?? how come u all can readily n suitably change into study mode? why can't i??? i really hope to contn on canoeing later on... definitely not like intensively but once in a while, n recall tt few moments of bliss i used to feel in a canoe. wld all of u reallie join the alumini??? i hope tt all 34 of us will n continue walking the common path together, juz like the wae we had walked fer the previous 1.5 yrs. do i seem to be getting very emotional? i dunno reallie, but i feel helpless lor.
i mean, frm my point of view, life sux cos
1) dere's no longer canoeing n all the intensive trgs, n
2) it's suckier now tt i no longer can see u all as njcanoeists at trgs but mere students in sch bounded by the fact tt we had an eventful past together, n
3) suckiest cos of dreadful sch n teachers tt always seem to scorn at mi fer my lousy results. yah, incl-ing my failure to switch to study channel now.
ok, it's not in order but they r the main pts. i mean u guys get my point rite? erm, i tink i haf bin babbling on n on abt my loss of direction n being such a complete failure in life, u muz be tired of it oredi...

but, i shall contn.. dis time abt my regrets in canoeing. haha.. nth nice n cheery abt ddis msg of mine, can stop reading here if u wan, it's no big deal, i'm juz venting out on th epoor msg board. well, i regret lots of stuff, like being so stupid at getting a proper stroke cos it was ever so late when i found my back aching finally.. i mean it was only like 2 mths b4 ns loh... can u believe it? yah.. can remember some of u guys saying i nv twist at all, i'm only use pulling action n i'm killing my arms... no wonder my boat nv did go fast, n if it did, it is all xueying's credit. sighz, to xueying>>> i tink i'm reallie a lousy partner, sorry abt tt. i dun speak up often n enuff, n not to the rite ppl either.=P paiseh leh... though we nv did quarrelled, i feel tt dere have bin bad times mostly when i was the one at fault. firstly, c'mon loh, my direction control was ga-na-sai one.. all the wae even till NCC.... den dere's my cycle n coordination too.. always so out n not following urs at all.. n i'm sure u had gotten quite irritated wif mi at times, rite??? yah.. dere's still my power... n it has always bin so limited. i try so hard to build up power frm wt trgs but it all came to nowhere. remember nasiman saying tt the power frm our boat came frm u n it's not rite cos the 'engine' was at the front of the boat whiich shld be the case. yah.. i was so speechless loh, n eva so disappointed in myself. i saw no meaning fer mi to be ur partner den becos i was obviously not doing my part as a partner shld. wld i not be pulling u down den? afterall, u n weiying came in 4th in NS last yr, n wat if i cannot replace her??? i reallie doubt my potential as a canoeist, the same feel of worry tt had bin seeded ever since i joined the club last yr. i dun wan to pull u down.. the race is so impt to all of us, n i'm gonna be so lousy if we cannot even make it to the finals together... it's like i'm not better den weiying when she was still a jnr loh... n i was scared it was going to be proven. Sure, all the others sae tt we were strong n haf a gd chance, but i nv did reallie believe tt becos if dere eva was any real comparisons, u r the one tt reallie contributes towards our t2. not mi. i noe my limits n its useless not to come face to face with myself.remember how i was supposedly 'complacent' during the NCC tt dae b4 our race? well, i tink u feel so, but i wasn't.. serious. i was simply confident tt wif ur abilities, even if i can only exert a fraction of wat other t2 back rowers exert, u can still row us in first. i sae abt us not eating backwash was cos i knew u wld be able to get us to the front of the pack, i was 100% sure no-other t2 front rower in tt finals cld do tt. i'm not idealising u or saeing u r perfect, i'm not. but u reallie are strong enuff to take on the others, n can excel in other events if given the chance too. i told u b4 tt i nv had as gd a partner as u, cos u're the best. it's still true anyway. i was at first worried tt wif mi, we can go no way cos i'm gonna drag u down, but luckily, we managed to get thru wif the 2 most impt races of my life. i owe all dis to u, the glory n pride fer the team n all. but i dun deserved it cos i did nth. wld u accept my medal frm NCC n NS??? i tink u wun, n onlie feel tt i'm being stp, rite? i reallie believe tt if dere were ever two of u rowing in a t2, it's gonna be an invincible formation. can u feel the power u exert frm the back seat? i did, n it was incredible, u wun believe it. e same goes fer u when in the front. seriously, i feel lucky being able to pair up wif such a great partner cos anyone who pair up wif u will reallie come in first in t2 500, not juz mi. but i noe tt if left on my own, i'll probable be the onlie ger who cannot make it to the finals of NS.
well, i regret not trging harder... if not u wun haf so much trouble wif mi den. look at mi loh, so fat n useless... the guys call us the mix double, but i'm not reallie gd in the water at all, juz fer show only. u guys always sae i'm not doing anything in the t2 n u all pity xy cos she has to row fer 2 ppl. ok.. mabbe i tok rubbish here, it nv was said by anyone, but i agree loh. mabbe juz like mi, jon, u may feel tt u haf not bin a gd canoeist but i tink i'm worse den u. dun compare us by our achievements wif our partners, but look at us as individuals. can i balance in a k? i can't but u can. can i row a gd set in a single wif any gers on the team? i can't but u can (wif any guys). u r at least pia-ing hard frm wts but i'm not doing enuff fer xy frm wts though. cant u see the difference btw us? tok abt being lousy.... i'm worse.
lawrence, u may feel unjustified abt not being able to do a gd set for NS n NCC but at least understand tt u r capable to do so, seriously. cos like mi, u oso have a gd partner, n unlike mi, u r strong n powerful. u n ben haf always give wae to mi during trgs wif the boat, n i'm reallie sorry tt u nv had a chance to use it fer the semis in NS. after all, u went down wif a different boat u nv trained in, n tt i feel is my fault for it may turn out differently if u had used no 5. The cycle is bound to be affected in some wae, n i still feel i ought to account fer it. i admire u .. in the wae tt u train, n sharing the same seat in the same event reallie makes mi feel the vast difference bet u n mi as back rower. at least u haf the ability to do it.. powering ben but i did nth to help xy... n i haf myself to blame.. i guess, cos in the end i was more relieved den anything after crossing the ending-line.
yah, i regret one last thing, tt i had not gotten to know the wqhole team properly. i screwed things up by seldom joining u guys at the table n in the library. while fer gers, it wasn't tt bad, i'm so sorry to u guys. i mean, some guys out dere like linus n douglas n keith... sorry tt i had missed out getting to noe u all better while we had the chance to. so, i kinda regret hafing tt emptiness within mi frm the lack of interaction wif u all.. but generally, i tink i still do find some dist bet guys n mi generally. aiyah.. dun tink u all mind tt, but on a personal level, i feel bad for not treating u guys better.. though i wonder wat's ur 'definition' of better.
yah.. tink i need to sae sth.. tt i admire lots of u guys fer different things, i better say it out.
greg: for being so strong-willed n focused abt trgs.... adrian too.. sorry i nv seem to be able to help u on any hw.. paiseh... but back to the point, yapz, i looked up to ya as some kinda of perfect canoeing model wif all ur zest n attitude.. feel honoured? ha... xy, for enduring wif mi thru out so long n still helping mi out so much.. tink u're simply great.. nth less den tt! miaohua n meijia, tt u've bin so serious abt trgs, the wae u push urselves is more den enuff to spur mi on during trg sets. like a reminder tt i muz push juz as hard too... Weiye, cos u always made mi feel like i've nv done anything for canoeing while u pia so much... oso like a reminder tt dere's canoeing n everything else doesn't matter. frankie, cos u r always on the push for more things.. the wae u trained wif mr yong b4 ns was too much fer mi to comprehend. i mean, how can anyone possibly do tt?? yuzheng, for all dis times, u trained like anyone else despite ur injury n hence no running. yet u r the strongest ger on the team n probably the best swimmer on the team too... but i .. haha... like small witch meets a big witch loh... n one who cannot swim well too...=P mr yong too, for doing so much fer us... look at the wae u train... running, cycling, rowing n tokking endlessly... u sacrificed alot fer us n i appreciated it. mabbe 'cept tt u can be too headstrong sometimes. yah.. not forgetting Daniel, u went thru so much n not many of us understanding it totally. sorry too fer the times i was cheeky n mean to u. u r the best captain lah...ever, no doubt abt tt.n more but too sianz to type it all out. sorry~

well.. i tink i haf so many regrets but juz too bad lah... shldn't care so much loh... den it feels like got a need for som conclusion cos looks like an essay but i dunno wat to say to sum up everything. sound dumb again rite? dane lim complains abt my conclusions being too weak... i hate essays...

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