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Date Posted: 17:08:47 02/16/02 Sat
Author: Gerrit Hamilton
Subject: Valentine's Day

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!

So, what did everyone end up doing?

Me, I spent most of the early afternoon and evening shopping for books and DVDs. I ran into an old high school friend, Renee Smith, at Barnes and Noble. After five minutes of pleasantries, she blurts out, "Hey Gerrit, wanna go have sex in your mini-van?" All this while I'm looking for a paperback version of Chuck Palahniuk's, "Choke."

Now I don't wish to rudely dismiss the young lass' proposition, but really-- I haven't seen this person (except for an occasional conversation via instant messaging) in nearly two years!! I flash her my trademark aloof smile and continue looking for the book. While scanning the 'P' authors in the fiction section, she starts listing all these sexual terms which I have to agree on before any lusty activites can take place. Rules indeed!! Here's a small sampling of said rules:

1. Neither her nor I am allowed to take our shirts off.

A reasonable request, for the temperature was in the high 40's that night. Who wants to catch their death of cold? Not I!

2. I have to be able to keep up a general conversation while the events take place.

Hmm. Ok. A talker. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose. During one previous relationship, I thoroughly enjoyed sessions of love-making while Seinfeld, Friends and then the Simpsons played in the background. An enjoyable 90-minute block to say the least!

3. She's allowed to hit me.

Egads! She certainly didn't seem like a girl who'd engage in fisticuffs while having sex..

4. I was not allowed to use a condom, but she insisted she was on birth control.

What a very perculiar statement. Perhaps her genitals, on past occasions, had adverse reactions to latex contraceptives. I wouldn't want any poor girl to break out into labia-hives. But around the time she was insisting she was on birth control, get this, the Gerrit Fib Detector was going off. It didn't sound sincere. Not one bit. So, I decided to casually throw a question her way.

"Pardon? Did you say you were on birth control."
"[pause] Hahahahaha! [very suspicious laughter] Yeah!"

At this point I began looking for an avenue of escape. I calmly asked her to wait for me in the Starbucks next door, while I used the restroom. Once out of sight, I ran for the hills!

What a very merry Valentine's Day, huh?

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