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Date Posted: 27/08/07 12:43am
Author: Kevin Langstrom
Subject: Re: Pets are lazy buggers
In reply to: Sargeant Daphne Reynolds 's message, "Re: Pets are lazy buggers" on 26/08/07 9:46pm

My Good Sergeant Daphne Reynolds,


I am a regular contributor to the Luton RSPCA as you should well know, you have on many occasions come by to pick up the cheque for £ 500 that I issue on a bi-weekly basis made out to cash. I am sure you recall the arraignment we made and will take due consideration of this as your driving over to arrest Broswell. I have been stringing him along in the hopes that your computer security task force would ferret him out. Daphne is there a reward possible, not that I would keep it mind you but rather donate it back to the RSPCA and PDSA Lancaster branch, less a small processing fee of course.

Bless the birds and the beasts,
Kevin Langstrom
Animal lover and contributor without equal to both the RSPCA and PDSA.

PS- Are we still on for Tuesday?

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Replies:

[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Sargeant Daphne Reynolds, 27/08/07 9:59pm

Kevin

Please disregard my previous message with reference to your good-self. I did`nt realise you were a regular contributor to the RSPCA funds so we will overlook your criminal activities on this occasion but don`t do it again.. (grins:-).

Taking the above into account I take it you will be willing to stand as a prosecution witness in the eventual guilty-verdict-by-special-arrangement trial of Broswell.
We will be recommending a 30 year term for Broswell but anticpate he will be given a slap on the wrists and an ASBO to boot.

Regarding the question of a reward, that`s extrmely kind of you, please send it by recorded to delivery to my address which you have of course.

Tuesday will be fine but please remember to bring the chain and manacles. I will make the usual excuse to him indoors.

Regards

Sargeant Daphne Reynolds
A dog`s not just for Christmas, they`re nice to munch anytime of the year!

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Kevin Langstrom, 28/08/07 12:13am

My dearest Daphne,

I had thought for a moment that our arraignment was over, silly me I know how committed you are to your work. I already have the usual “toys” in the boot and was wondering should I bring the ostrich feathers and the trailer mounted vibrating pavement compactor you have been so keen to try? Will he be occupied as usual with the rearranging of the stamp collection or should I call for some Jehovah’s witnesses to pay a visit to keep him occupied during our tryst? If you can bring a can of petrol for the compacting machine, I’ll fill it up before Tuesday but it does burn a lot and we may need to refuel before we are ready to finish.

As for testifying against Broswell I have already had an affidavit signed and sealed sent to your office, of course if I need to appear in person that would be alright but I think the contents of my documents should put him away for better than 40 years without the need for an ASBO!

Looking forward to our next meeting and I almost forgot to mention I have the ferrets worked up to a fever pitch since I know you like them that way.

Toodles,

Kevin

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Sargeant Daphne Reynolds, 29/08/07 6:56pm

Dear Kevin

I don`t wish to sound course but after our 3 month vacation come-shag-a-thon camping holiday to the Shetland Isles I thought you had grown tired of me. Whatsmore your wife informed me that since you had the pacemaker fitted the Surgeon Professor Jalalabadcad recommended under no circumstances should you get over-excited but your needs are a must I guess so how about this Friday 8p/m at my place? You can bring the ostrich feathers, the usual "toys" as you mentioned and the trailer mounted vibrating pavement compactor. I can arrange for the articulated lorry load of rhino, maxi-girth licorice flavoured condoms if you can just bring the flannel and handcuffs that will keep us busy for a while I think you`ll agree.

I have already taken care of him indoors. There`s live cribbage on this Friday on Sky Sports One and i`ve grounded down the sleeping pills and made him a nice "coctail" which i`m sure he`ll lap up to his hearts content. He may not come round for a few days but no one will notice.

Thanks for doing the done thing with Broswell. I`ve got a friend in the Home Office who can tie up the loose ends if you catch my drift.

Passionately & Infinitely Yours
Sargeant Daphne Reynolds

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Kevin Langstrom, 30/08/07 5:37pm

My Dearest Daphne,

Those three months in the Shetland Isles are forever burned into my memory. My only regret is that we had to cut it short after that nasty business with the Anglican Church tour group, the pony and the otter. As for my wife, I had to tell here something so I concocted the pacemaker story and the good “Surgeon Professor Jalalabadcad” was kind enough to go along with the ruse for a few quid. As a matter of fact he not a surgeon at all, I found him waiting for the bus and struck up a conversation wherein I discovered he was in fact an out of work fishmonger. He was so good in his role that the old Sow hasn’t tried to get amorous since for fear my having another “attack”. I’ll be by Friday and wait for your signal that he is sufficiently tranquillized. Perhaps we can have a romp on the billiard table in his study again but forgo the spike heels this time so as not to damage the felt.

Counting the seconds and hoping the industrial strength Viagra arrives in today’s post.

Kevin Langstrom
Trolley Motorman and collector of rare sardine tins

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