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Date Posted: 20/11/08 8:43pm
Author: Melvin Bloomdale
Subject: Aardvark Alarm
Are YOU one of the many countless thousands of people worldwide who have had their precious Aardvarks stolen whilst their attentions have been drawn elsewhere?
Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Melvin Bloomdale, I am a part time inventor and grower of all manner of legal and semi-illegal crops, but in the main I
am an inventor on a par with say, Edison, although not quite as famous yet.
My latest invention, the "Aardvark Attack Alarm System" (AAAS) for short, works by way of the following method.
The AAAS is square shaped and is approximately 50cms wide x 50cms high. Simply strap the AAAS (strap not supplied) to your Aardvarks snout. A tilt mechanism inside the box is activated when someone steals or attempts to steal the Aardvark which automatically sets off 6 miniature CCTV cameras strategically placed around your Aardvark`s armour all of which have night vision and built-in facial mapping technology. An ultra-loud siren (90 decibels)is automatically emitted which is usually enough to frighten off even the stupidest and brazenest of hoodies. Whilst the siren is blaring an even louder recorded message is heard: "WE HAVE YOUR DNA, YOUR FINGERPRINTS, AND WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED OUR FACIAL MAPPING SEQUENCE. GIVE YOURSELF UP AND DON`T BE A BLOODY FOOL MAN!" **Tests show that this disorientates the potential thief leaving him slightly stunned and all at sea as it were.
**During extensive tests only 17 people were accidentally
murdered, most of which were of pensionable age, and the added bonus of which was that one was a retired traffic warden. Serendipity!
We are working on some minor improvements. With the deluxe version for instance the cameras are secreted in the skin of the Aardvark and the siren is also accompanied by a large razor sharp axe which crashes down randomly with enormous force around the vicinity of said Aardvark killing anyone or anything in the immediate area. The deluxe version also comes complete with a spraygun which again works automatically in conjunction with the tilt mechanism which when set off sprays lethal toxins into the face of the felon leaving him stunned before our trusty friend the axe finds its prey so to speak.
Well, that`s about it. I have`nt patented it yet so I trust the details of my device will be safe among you all.
PS. I may be looking for agents, commission only, to help find punters for my remarkable invention. I may consider working this on a Sale or Return basis, or, sell the AAAS`s
to you at trade discounted price so that you can really coin it in. I predict that a lot of millionaires will be made through the sale of my invention so don`t miss out and act quickly.
I look forward to working with you.
Sincerely
Melvin Bloomdale
Inventor and grower of own weed for medicinal purposes only
your honour.
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Re: Aardvark Alarm -- Reginald Sconesfield,
25/11/08 12:25am
Just in time for the holidays every year the same thing late night adverts on the telly hawking this year’s must have product when I am most susceptible. Empty vodka bottle at my feet, credit card in hand I dial the phone and order the product even if I don’t own an aardvark, thinking to myself that someone may give me one for Christmas and I should be prepared. Every year the same thing I buy these things and come boxing day pack them up. Last year it was the Tortoise Tracker and I followed the directions with the help of my Taiwanese neighbor setting up the parameter underground wire, adjusting the sensitivity and calling the number to activate the tracking. Unfortunately my neighbor had the tracking attachment in his pocket and when he left to go home ignored the audible warning in German that was inexplicably the default language and after walking another 2 meters past the wire the built in C4 explosive charge detonated killing him on the spot.
Every year the same I hope the AAAS`s will not be the same as the Jimblejammer 3000, Python Protector Mk III, KZ-4X and Meat Free Chicken Casserole’s Chimney Security Services, with automatic nail gun, napalm purge, spear gun and sidewinder missile. Well I will see when the post delivers it, I think I will get my cousin Harold to do any assembly or testing required as the family has a disdain for him anyways.
Well off to the Pubic for a few pints and then back to my dreary flat to await delivery.
Reginald Sconesfield
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