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Date Posted: 15/08/06 3:58pm
Author: Ivan Blanks
Subject: Internet addiction?

Are you, or is anyone you know addicted to the internet?
If so please visit my new website www.getoffthenet.co.uk.

I think everyone will agree with me it is a fantastic idea of mine, there`s defintely a niche` in the market for this type of thing although I don`t think the business will last too long.

I`m not in it for the money to be honest, I just want to help poor helpless sods like you to rid yourselves of this horrendous affliction.

Did you know that 347 billion people visit the internet every 10 minutes? Did you also know that according to
InterDataSchmata.com the entire planet will be online by 2762 give or take a decade or two.

Visit www.getoffthenet.co.uk today. Lifetime membership is FREE so no risk or excuses for the tight arses of you out there!

Regards
Ivan Blanks
MD GetOffTheNet & Co-Director Freds Gourmet Pies, Dudley.

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Replies:

[> Re: Internet addiction? -- John and Jim, 15/08/06 4:40pm

Jim and me are addicted to the internet but we could`nt access your website. perhaps your site is down for maintenance or something, but it does`nt look good when you are professing to rid idiots like Jim and me of this diabolical affliction of ours!

WHERE CAN WE GO TO GET HELP???

GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER BUSTER!!!

Sincerely
John and Jim
"Living together, but just good friends"..

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[> Re: Internet addiction? -- Karl Schmedrack (Looking for WIFI in all the wrong places), 15/08/06 5:23pm

Ivan,

This certainly sounds like what I need, I spend all my waking hours surfing the net. I have several laptops just in case one should have a dead battery, Internet enabled cell phone, blackberry and bluetooth! Frankly doctor I’m a mess, I’m addicted help me.

There is a slight problem as my busy schedule would preclude actually getting therapy, is it possible to get online therapy or by e-mail or SMS? I could perhaps manage a few moments a day at an Internet café as long as I were able to continue surfing on one of the other laptops.

I would also like to know more about Freds Gourmet Pies, are they available in any Internet café’s? I do like pie nearly as much as the Internet, at present I eat several pies at a single sitting as is evidenced by my weight of over 200 kilo’s. Should I sign up for therapy would I get a discount on Freds Gourmet Pies?

Karl Schmedrack

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[> [> Re: Internet addiction? -- Ivan Blank, 15/08/06 8:13pm

Karl

Sounds like you have a very serious addiction there.
We had a similar gentleman in Mid Glamorgan, we`ll call him
Jones, he worked on the internet, played on the internet and had cyber-sex on the internet. Latterly he ate out on the internet and hobbied on the internet too. It got so bad that as a last resort we put him in a darkened room but young
Jeffries our office junior forget to take the computer out of the darkened room as per my instructions. Jones was found 3 months later huddled in a corner of the darkened room, foaming at the mouth and muttering "www." "www." "www."

Jones was certified insane some weeks later and now lives inside a gigantic computer on the outskirts of Rhyl with his enstranged wifelets.

But of course you have problems of your own and i`m sure there`s a chance we can cure you. I would`nt normally ask but do you have an loose change at hand? You may not be aware but we are a soon to be registered charity and need all the funding we can get.

Regarding Fred`s gourmet pies, i`m very soory but they are`nt available in the shops but only by mail order.
Do you have access to the internet at all and I will send you the website address to place your orders from?

Ivan Blank
"Remember the name, i`m the Bill Gates of tomorow!"

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[> [> [> Re: Internet addiction? -- Karl Schmedrack (http://www.Pie.com), 15/08/06 9:29pm

Ivan,

I am looking forward to the on-line ordering of Fred`s gourmet pies, as it’s past my usual feeding time. I am not so sure of your methods re: darkened rooms and no computers, are you sure this will work and how am I to find the pies in the dark. I may not have mentioned it but I have absolutely no sense of smell, I could not detect a skunk in a broom closet.

I have a rather large inheritance held in trust till this coming October, if you could wait I am sure I could sign the whole thing over to the foundation.

Once I receive the URL for ordering could you set up a delivery schedule of say 48 pies a day to be delivered every two hours? Do you ship post or DHL? I’m famished so it’s off to the bakery for a snack.


Karl Schmedrack

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[> [> [> [> Re: Internet addiction? -- Ivan Blanks, 16/08/06 10:02am

Karl

Sorry to kick-off talking about money, but how much are we talking about reference your inheritance? I`m thinking along the lines of you don`t want to be lumbered with that dreaded inheritance tax, so better to put some of it our charities way? Just a thought. You`ll sleep much a better at night knowing you are helping such a noble and just cause.
My secretary "Fingers" can take care of the paperwork etc it`ll all go as smooth as number 96 industrial strength sandpaper.

Now to more mediocre things. When I say darkened room, we`re not talking something spartan here, you will still have all the mod-cons of home such as a sideboard, a chair and floorboards. We`re not sadists here at the charity, I can assure you I will treat you as I would one of my own, although "my own" have all sadly passed on it`s true many years ago. (chuckles)..

If I may be so bold you seem to have an equal problem with your preoccupation with our pies. You say that you will want
2 of our splendid *award winning* gourmet pies delivered every hour, you might want to purchase some laxatives from you local chemist to ensure what goes in one end comes out the other in rapid procession. Just to add we have our own team of couriers. Most of our drivers are off sick at the moment but "lefty" is reliable and does`nt ask too many questions if you catch my drift.

Please reply ASAP commencing with how you wish to move things forward with regard to your mammoth bequeathement to us and I will get Fingers to get the ball-rolling at this end.

Yours Very Sincerely
Ivan Blanks
"Charity begins at MY home!"

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[> [> [> [> [> Re: Internet addiction? -- Karl Schmedrack (Pie Eyed), 16/08/06 4:07pm

Ivan,

I hadn’t thought about the inheritance tax, so you say by signing it over to charity I can avoid all that nasty paperwork? By all means have "Fingers" get the paperwork started, and "lefty" can bring it by for signing when he brings the pies.

It’s not so much I mind the darkened room but as I mentioned before my olfactory senses are nil, now if we could just arrange to say place the pie on the sideboard where I might find it by flailing my hands up and down I think we have a solution.

There is another matter I need to address, my dog "Sparky". I would have a terrible time finding someone to take care of him and I was wondering if it would be all right if I brought him with. "Sparky" you see likes pie as much as I do and about a year ago there was a terrible cracking noise and his poor legs just buckled, now he drags himself around picking up dropped bits of pie and he is covered with sores. I would be willing to pay a higher fee if I could just bring "Sparky" along.

You mentioned *award winning* pies, I am looking forward to my first taste. What awards have they won? Paris Exposition 1891, British Frozen Food Federation’s BFFF retail award, ‘You Can Be Sure It’s Fresh – If It’s Frozen’ or perhaps "By Appointment To The Queen"? I do hope there are large ornate seals and lots of decorative ribbons printed proclaiming the awards. I personally find pie just tastes better if the Craft Guild of Chefs say so. Think I’ll pop round and get some Laxoberal at the chemist’s.


Karl Schmedrack

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[> Re: Internet addiction? -- Meat Free Chicken Casserole, 15/08/06 10:05pm


Panexa cured my internet addiction.

Check it out at panexa.com.

MFCC

Panexa - "It cures what ails ya"

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[> [> Re: Internet addiction? -- Ivan Blanks (Panexa, Is it right for me?), 15/08/06 10:52pm

MFCC,

I had been thinking of demanding Panexa from my doctor, however I was concerned "PANEXA was found to cause abdominal wall muscle breakdown coupled with spasmodic activity in lower back/spinal muscles, resulting in most patients violently bending forward like a book slamming shut." and thought this might be rather uncomfortable.

How severe was your Internet addiction and how long have you been web free? You would not by any chance have a stake in selling/promoting Panexa for personal gain?

Is there any known alergic reactions when taking Panexa and eating pie?

Ivan Blanks

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[> [> [> Re: Internet addiction? -- Karl Schmedrack (Disoriented), 16/08/06 12:09am

Who put Panexa in my pie? for a moment I thought I was Ivan Blanks or a Tootsie Roll and everything smells gamey. You bastards, g'day Cap'n

Karl Schmedrack

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