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Date Posted: 19:31:49 12/31/04 Fri
Author: Phillip (i.e. Sola Fide)
Subject: The Origin of Faith
Anyone who says that someone can loose their salvation is quite mistaken. I left UBF just a few month ago and have been going through a really trying time. I thought I had come to a really good place in my Christian walk though, that is until about a month ago when I started having what I have come to believe is a demonic voice in my mind, which in turn resulted in deep doubts about my faith. It went something like this: It started by accusing me that I am worshipping Satan, which is perposterous! However, when I would close my prayers in the name of my Lord Jesus Christ, it would say the name of the enemy. I would shout no to the voice (which sounded like my own thought "voice") and I began to feel really guilty, thinking that I was doing this evil thing. Then I started to wonder about my faith and then eventually about if Jesus is really who He said He is, I mean, how could I know? He could have been lying (or so I thought), but I kept rejecting these thoughts and started to worry that I had committed the unpardonable sin (though I never said my doubts out loud as a statement of what I believed). It got so bad and I was so afraid that I was losing my faith (which is what would happen if anyone committed the unpardonable sin--or so I reasoned). I started constantly chanting in my mind and out loud, "Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God" over and over again all day long, every day. I prayed and prayed for God to forgive my doubts and my lack of faith and for Him to give me new and stronger faith and I rebuked the voice in the name of Jesus, but the doubts got worse and I started to be afraid to pray and read the Bible for fear of what I would think as I read. I got more and more depressed as I thought of a life like this, of constant fear and doubt, I considered suicide, but rejected that as evil (though the thought of it did come back, almost dayly)--I longed for death. My pastor reassured me that the voices are demonic and that I'm not sinning by having them and that they couldn't take me out of the grace of Christ and that we couldn't commit the unpardonable sin now anyway. I tried to believe him, I wanted to believe him, but I didn't really.
It got so bad that my fiancee actually left me because she thought I didn't care about her anymore and that I had turned my back on her (I had decided to postpone our wedding date until I was healed of all of this and of post UBF stuff). It was one of my secret fears that I was only holding on to God because of her, she being a Christian and me being certain that she would not marry an unbeliever. But she left (as she needed to, I was to find out). I got so depressed that I finally actually started talking to God and telling Him (apologetically) about my doubts, that I couldn't be certain of anything anymore, that I don't know why, but that I need Him to strengthen my faith, prove to me that Jesus really is the Christ and teach me to tell the difference between God and the enemy. After that prayer (which I prayed while on a walk with my parents), I actually despaired of my faith. It just looked so much easier and better for me to give up on God and my faith and walk away, stop trying to believe (I was actually in pain because of my doubts and fears and depression). I reasoned that I had no more reason to go on believing, my fiancee had left me, my parents would still love me, so would my friends, and my mind had seemingly quit believing already anyway. In that moment, when all else was so black, instead of renouncing Jesus (which I thought I wanted to do), I said, "Get behind me Satan, in the name of Jesus Christ get behind me" and I kept saying it louder and louder and told him to leave me alone in the name of Jesus. I fell on my knees and prayed to God, asking for His mercy and strength and thanking Him that I didn't walk away. God did not let me go, He did not let me even though my mind had checked out already, He did not let me actually renounce Jesus, instead I affirmed Him and rebuked Satan! It is really hard to imagine now, but I really wanted to quit, but God's will is that much stronger than my own. Once we are in His hand, I am now convinced that nothing can remove us--faith isn't about our will, it really isn't, it is about God's will. Do I still have intelectual doubts, do I still have trouble knowing for certain that the Bible is true, yes, but I know realize that I trust it is true and that I am in the hands of the Father, no demonic doubts or thoughts can change that, God will not let me go.
Please pray for me that my intelect might start matching the faith of my heart again, that I might believe fully with my mind as I used too, even though I am assured of the state of my heart.
P.S. I'm taking the quarter off from school and going to Wellspring, I think I need it, anyone disagree? :-)
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