VoyForums
[ Show ]
Support VoyForums
[ Shrink ]
VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1[2]345 ]


[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 16:29:49 03/30/02 Sat
Author: HaiWolfe
Subject: Re: Untitled, Chapter Two
In reply to: novae 's message, "Untitled, Chapter Two" on 19:23:38 03/29/02 Fri

I'm in the process of reading your story, and have just a quick suggestion before I forget to mention it.

Beware of fragmenting your sentences, especially ones that have "because" or "and" in them.

For example, "The young man stepped out of the small shelter, which was barley more than four posts holding up a heavy wooden roof. And looked out off the battlements" should be replaced with "The young man stepped out of the small shelter, which was barely more than four posts holding up a heavy wooden roof, and looked out off the battlements."

Likewise, "His father told Felin everything. Because Felin would one day become leader of Helmshor." should be "His father told Felin everything because Felin would one day become leader of Helmshor."

It's a relatively small, grammatical critique, but it'll help make the story flow more smoothly. Good drama so far.. I'm off to read the rest of your story :)

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]


Replies:



Post a message:
This forum requires an account to post.
[ Create Account ]
[ Login ]
[ Contact Forum Admin ]


Forum timezone: GMT-8
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.