The Good, The Bad and The Ugly #46 -- Da Message Board

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Date Posted: 22:02:29 07/09/00 Sun
Author: hellboy
Subject: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly #46

Okay. I'm sorry but i'm too tired, too cranky and too drunk to actually finish this weeks column. So i'm doing what all writers do in this situation - I'm going to the archives. Here in place of this weeks GBU i present a little piece i wrote earlier in the year. It has all the sarcasm, cynicism and foul language you expect from me each week as well as a personal message. I hope you enjoy it, if you don;t you can go stick your head up the anus of your nearest farm animal.

Jared, Narrabundah, 9/7/00.

-OLD AGE-

I refuse to acknowledge the fact that I am getting old. I'm writing this on my 25th birthday. Which really is nothing but a drop in the ocean when you consider those blokes of almost 100 who tottered down major roads in capital cities just last week. However everyone is incessant in proclaiming that I have hit old age.
Well bugger to them. It's time to set the record straight. If no one will stand up for me then I guess I'll have to do it myself.

Old age, or to use a scientific term as I am won't to do - senescence, is a malady that will affect us all eventually. With it comes a number of very interesting side effects or signs. These signs include bits of your anatomy heading south for longer than the winter, the loss of hair on your head and the appearance of hair in what were, and should, remain hairless places, the loss of��hang on I know this��yeah memory, the inability of the body to shake it's booty till dawn and the incapable urge to complain about everything and anything.

Sure I may exhibit some of the signs. All right so I exhibit most of them, but they can easily explained. And so this will be my task to you now. To prove that the symptoms I listed above that I exhibit are not a result of an impending nursing home stay but a result of living in the fast lane.

1. Saggy bits - Those who know me would certainly vouch for the fact that the term "hard body" is never used in the same sentence as my name, except perhaps in the negative case. I'm not fat mind you, just nicely rounded, much like Winnie the Pooh or an aging Kevin Costner. So the formation of a rounded mid section is not a recent occurrence. I've been laying the foundations for that one since conception, and those who know me may actually suggest I have slimmed down over the years. But they are just being nice.

So you see saggy bits has nothing to do with me getting old so can we get off the topic of my man boobs now? Good. Next?

2. Hair loss - Here is something we have discussed previously. I am not going bald, I just have a habit of getting my hair cut very short thus giving the impression of going the route of Winston Churchill. I have very thick hair as any former paramour of mine will attest to. So there. Plus I have never grown a ponytail as every person who starts going bald and still wants to appear young seemingly does. When the revolution comes those bastards with ponytails and sportscars will be the first up against the wall, closely followed by those who put Hot Chocolate in tall glasses.

Number two is down with the notion that I won't go bald unless it is of my own choosing. Batter up?

3. Weird Hair Growth - Lycanthropy and old age have a lot in common. Hair growth in weird places is just one of them. Urinating in public is another but we won't go there. Old men have hair out of ears and noses and some old women can grow mustaches almost as good a Newk and Merve. I have neither. So there. Any stories you have heard about hair on my back are complete and utter lies by people I once considered close personal friends and I wear a t-shirt when I swim for medical reasons. I would die you see if someone made fun of me.

Number three gone the way of the other two and the home stretch is coming soon.

4. Memory Loss - My memory has always been crap. Any former girlfriend will attest to my inability to remember their birthdays and quite often forget my own. The experimentation with certain un-prescribed pharmacological products during certain years of my life may also have something to do with this along with a very important experiment I am conducting into the capacity the average human male has for the consumption of beer. Ground breaking stuff really. Ph.D. along the way for sure.

So any memory loss is a product brought about by my own misadventures and has nothing to do with me getting old. Very important.

5. Loss of Energy - I work anywhere from 40 to 70 hours a week. I have a right to feel bloody tired. Anyone who calls me a piker will have their teeth relocated to their intestinal canal. I have also pulled my fair share of big nights. Ask anyone. Go on ask.

Any problems? No? Good! Lets get to the final point.

6. The incapable urge to complain and whine - Don't you just hate how old people just pick on the smallest thing and drive it into the ground? The more insignificant the detail, the more stupid the argument then the harder they work at it. I tell you it just drive me nuts and��.. Shit. I'm doing it. Bugger.

Oh all right, so maybe, just maybe, I'm not as young and frivolous as I used to be. Just because I like to get eight hours sleep, enjoy a nice cup of coffee and prefer my music under 1000 decibels I feel, however. does not put me in the same class as my parents. I've just gotten to a time in my life where I am aware of my actions. I'm mature not senescent. Ah who am I kidding. I'm an old fart. Bring me my walking frame and my incontinence diapers and screw you all for pointing out this miserable fact. If you need me I'll be napping in the corner.

Jared, Canberra, 3/5/00

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