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Friday, April 26, 6:35:39Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: [1]2345678910 ]
Subject: Just found out...now what??


Author:
Kristen (confused)
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Date Posted: 07/27/09 6:42pm

I'm not really sure where to start here - and I really don't know how to make this unbelievable decision that I have in front of me. I'm 27 years old, single, and just found out that I'm 5 weeks pregnant. The father is someone I dated briefly a year ago and had a one night stand with recently. He is not someone I would have ever chosen to parent with, although he already has a 10 year old from a relationship he had when he was a teenager. From what I can tell, he's been a great father to his daughter but I can't get past the fact that I'll be tied to him for the rest of our lives through this child.

My situation is this: I've got a good job, great health insurance but I still dont know if I can have this child. I live with a roommate in a large city. My parents are catholic and will no doubt encourage me to keep the baby. I think what it comes down to are my preconceptions about single parenthood. Is my life over? Will I EVER get married now? Who is going to want to be with a woman that has a child? The reality is that I'm going to say goodbye to the life I live right now. No more going out and meeting friends, no more carefree trips to wherever I decide to go...am I ready to make that decision?? I'm so confused and I dont know where to go from here.

Any advice would be MORE than appreciated!

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Replies:
[> Subject: Re: Just found out...now what??


Author:
Shellie
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 07/27/09 9:58pm

Hi Kristen,

Thanks for coming here and sharing your very personal situation with us.

I can relate to many of the things you are concerned about. I became unexpectedly pregnant by a man that I did not want to be connected with for the rest of my life. In fact, I had broken up with him before I discovered I was pregnant. I worried about being a single mother, and what that would mean. I worried about how my life would change and how I'd ever find Mr. Right with a child in tow.

You are right; things are going to be different if you continue your pregnancy. But if you continue your pregnancy, you will fall in love with your baby and giving up certain things won't seem like the Ultimate Sacrifice. Also you’ll learn that you can still have a life while being a mom. Sure, you won’t be able to be as carefree and spontaneous, but you will learn how to be creative to make things happen.

Keep in mind though, that even if you abort this pregnancy your life will never be the same as before you became pregnant. You may not enjoy your carefree fun life, knowing you aborted so that the fun could continue. Guilt and regret is a very real possibility. What I just said was not meant to make you feel guilty for wanting to continue your carefree way of life—I can understand your feelings! But after an abortion, the reality of your choice can hit you like a ton of bricks. REALLY think about how you might feel later, in certain situations.

Will you ever find a wonderful man to marry if you have a child? YES!!! There is a man out there who will not only love you, but will love this child as well. Trust me on this. Not only was I blessed with a terrific man who loves my son as his own, but millions of other women have too.

I have so much I’d like to talk to you about, but for now I must go. Please stick around and post as much as you want. Sometimes it helps to just type out your feelings.

Take care,

Shellie
[> Subject: Re: Just found out...now what??


Author:
Pat
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 07/27/09 10:48pm

Hi, Kristen,

The other day I watched a video that is now seared in my mind. A woman who presumably walked into an abortion facility in good health was taken out of the back door and loaded aboard an ambulance. She was moaning and crying, and her legs were shaking. I can only imagine the pain she was in. And I think about her and wonder if she survived. These places are really butcher shops, and I don't ever want to see a woman go through the door and trust people like that again!

No matter what you do, things are going to change. The question is how to make them change for the better.

Abortion is dangerous. It can take your life, or render you seriously disabled. It isn't worth the risk. There are better answers.

I have eight grandchildren altogether. One of them was born to our son who had a brief affair with a woman. Even though they haven't gotten married, they have both raised the child and so far have done a wonderful job. I can't imagine life without my grandson in it! This doesn't mean you have to be tied to the father of your child. You have decisions to make. But you are 27 years old, which is old enough to raise a beautiful child. You mentioned your parents are Catholic. This is their grandchild you are carrying. What if you have an abortion, and they find out about it? What will it do to your relationship with them? If I were in their shoes, I'd have a very difficult time forgiving my daughter for taking the life of my grandchild. Although I'm not Catholic, and I disagree with a lot of what the Catholic church stands for, they got this one right. This baby is made in the image of God, and He has entrusted this baby to you.

Five minutes can change your life forever. And after that, there is no going back. Even if they don't hurt you medically, although that is highly likely, they will hurt you emotionally and spiritually. Why would you even want that carefree life, knowing how you bought it?

Will you find a decent man? The odds are very good that you will. Lots of people who post here have done so. A lot of the ladies have had a baby in just the circumstances you are describing and are now happily married to a wonderful man who is a father to their child in every way except biologically. As the mother of two adopted sons (and five other children), I can tell you it doesn't make any difference whether the baby came from your flesh or not. This is still your child. Some men will look at your situation and see that you have proven that you can be a good mother.

At some point, obviously, you will have to deal with the fact that you have no plans to keep in contact with the father. But it's really too early to make that decision now, it seems to me. Even if you decide to stay in touch, it won't be for the rest of your life unless you want it to be. Of course, he may want to stay in touch. But let time work out the answers to those problems.

Just take one day at a time. The answers will come. But first and foremost, you are now a mother. The circumstances aren't what you wanted. But will you rise to the occasion? I think you can, and I think if you don't, you will regret it for the rest of your life. So many women I have talked to do regret their abortions. It's not worth it. The cost is astronomical, more than you possibly can imagine. I think it is a travesty a woman even has to MAKE this decision.

Please protect yourself and your baby, and put those thoughts aside. You can do it. Take one day at a time. You have the resources. The fortitude will come. Please stay and talk with us. We will encourage you, and help you find any resources you need.

Hugs,
Pat
[> [> Subject: Re: Just found out...now what??


Author:
Kristen
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 07/28/09 7:40am

Shelley - thank you so much for your kind words, your post truly had a calming effect on me and I thought about what you wrote all night long. I'll keep posting if you keep answering!!

Pat - while I truly, truly appreciate the fact that you took the time to respond to my post, and while I respect that you have your own opinion, however strong it may be, I believe the tactics you used - and have used in all your other posts to other women - are downright dangerous.

How dare you presume to know the relationship I have with my parents? To suggest that they may never forgive me if I choose to terminate the pregnancy is simply ignorant. You have no idea what their reaction woud be. Yes, they are Catholic but first and foremost, God preaches forgiveness. You should be ashamed at the guilt you are sending each and every confused woman on this board.

Secondly, it is irresponsible to suggest that it is "highly likely" to be hurt medically by an abortion. On what do you base that statement, other than your own beliefs? Women have the right to choose because we are in charge of our own bodies, and we decide what to do with our own lives. It is not a shame that we have this option - what would be a shame would be to force a woman to carry through an unwanted pregnancy, resulting in a baby that cannot be cared for as that baby deserves.

Again, thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. But I want you to know that you added an enormous amount of stress and anger to an already stressful day of mine. Guilt should not be a reason to keep a baby, and you need to find a better means of expressing your view. Please don't respond to any further posts of mine.
[> Subject: Re: Just found out...now what??


Author:
Tracey
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 07/28/09 12:39pm

Kristen~
First off, welcome! You must be going through a tremendous amount of stress and uncertainty at this time. ((hugs)) Absolutely your life will change, but it's not all negative. :) Thank God He gave us 9 months to figure it all out. Right now you are in a state of shock and sometimes your initial reaction is just to get rid of the "problem." You almost talk yourself into it, thinking you will just be able to get over it and forget. But unfortunately you never will, especially if it's something you are so unsure of. Kristen, right now this all just is shocking and scary--give yourself some time to think and sort things out. I promise over time, this will be so small in comparison to the love of your child. You are already a mother and whether you go through this or not, you always will be. We are here to support and help if you'd like and we are here to talk no matter what you decide! You are not alone! Please keep us posted and feel free to post here anytime! You, will be in my prayers! God bless,
Tracey
[> Subject: Re: Just found out...now what??


Author:
Lori
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 07/28/09 1:10pm

Kristen,
Welcome to the board. I myself have experienced an unplanned pregnancy at the age of twenty. So, I do know what your going through. It can be scary and very overwhelming. Your mind is boggled with so many different thoughts and your emotions are running high and on overdrive.
The first thing I will say is don't make any decision based on your emotions period. You need to think everything through, investigate all of your options and after you have done this then make a decision that you can live with. You are the one who will live with your decision and most people who make an informed decision do not regret it later. You need to know about abortion, all of the details as well as adoption and keeping your baby.
Like Tracey said you are already a mom because you are pregnant and no matter what you choose you will still be a mom. God has given you this child and its up to you to decide what your going to do.
I understand that you don't want to make a decision based on fear and you shouldn't. Any decision you make should give you peace and you should know deep down that your making the right choice.
I did have my child and there was never a time where I wished that I had the abortion. I'm thankful everyday that God gave me two wonderful blessings. Did my life change? Absolutely, any time something different happens in your life you automatically have change. Change is what life is all about and change can be beautiful. Change can also be scary and overwhelming but when you decide to give life it can be one of the best changes you'll ever experience.
Were all here for you. Were not going to judge you, or be critical of any decision that you choose to make. No matter what you decide we will be here for you. Your in my thoughts and prayers. If you need to talk feel free to email me any time.
Take Care,
Lori
[> [> Subject: Re: Just found out...now what??


Author:
Kristen
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 07/28/09 3:49pm

Thanks so much for the kind words, both of you. You're right, change is absolutely what life is all about and is thrown at you at the most unexpected of times. I think in my heart I want to keep this baby but it's my head, and the reality of the situation that I'm in, that's making me think twice (and three times, and four times...).

I currently live with a roommate in a large-ish, expensive city. I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own without help, nevermind with an infant. Moving home is always an option, but like I said before, I'm 27 years old. Moving home is the last thing I want to do. I've got student loans from college that I'm still paying off, and some credit card debt. I'm also paying off a car. I keep wondering...is this really the environment I want to raise a child in?

I spoke to the father late last night, who lives in a different, but not significantly distant, city. We hadn't talked since the night this baby was conceived, and to his credit he didn't have a total meltdown. He was shocked of course, but he took it in stride. He does not want me to keep the baby, but is prepared to accept whatever decision I make - though he made it clear he would not be moving back to my city. He "has given up too much and come too far" to come back here. As if I woudn't be giving anything up to raise a child...

But he said he would never turn his back on me, no matter what.

I don't know what to do. I think my heart says keep it but there are so many factors that would prevent this child from having absolutely everything in this world that he or she deserves. I can't help but think it's irrisponsible to bring a baby into the world without being absolutely prepared to give it the best of everything.
[> [> [> Subject: Re: Just found out...now what??


Author:
Lori
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 07/31/09 12:40pm

Kristen,

I totally agree with what Tracey has said. Change can be good but change is always kind of scary because your moving forward without seeing exactly what is going on. We as humans love to be prepared for everything and see what's going to happen next before we decide to walk forward. Unfortunately, life demands us at times to walk forward without knowing.
You said that in your heart you know that you want to keep the baby but your mind is telling you something else. I understand you completely. I myself was debating with my heart and mind when I experienced my unplanned pregnancy. I knew though that whatever I chose that I needed my heart and mind to agree. I don't like change either and its a hard process because your not certain of what will come next. However, the reward for change is all worth the uncertainty.
No matter what you decide to do you will have uncertainty. The only thing you can do is investigate your options and go with the choice that you have total peace about. For me to have peace about any decision my heart and mind have to agree. If I don't want to have any regrets I know that I need to make an informed decision.
You are a mom no matter what choice you choose to make and your heart knows that. Your mind is kind of a battlfield right now because your fighting your heart on what choice you should make. Your logical mind is looking at your current circumstances and wondering how you could be a mom right now. But, your already a mom because your pregnant.
One thing I have learned in life is that circumstances always change. If we make a decision based on our current circumstances we are setting ourselves up for regret. We don't know what the next year may bring. This is why it is so important to make an informed decision because when you investigate all of your options and make a choice that you can live with for the rest of your life your less likely to regret your decision.
As far as the child's father is concerned. I see guys like this all the time here on the board. Some of the guys don't come around but they are not the majority by far. He may ultimately decide to be the father he has destined himself to be. But, I wouldn't base my decision on this alone because there are many resources out there to help you and he would be responsible for child support regardless of the situation.
I know your concern is the well being of your child and your child's future. We all want what is best for our children. However, the world has set us up to think that we need to have a lot of materialistic things in order to have a baby. The truth is that a baby needs health insurance, shelter, food, diapers, clothes and most importantly love. All of these things you can provide for them. There are many resources available that can help you with free health coverage, food, clothes and diapers. If your interested in any of these resources let me know and I can send you a list with phone numbers.
If you contact your local pregnancy center they offer free counseling, and resouces. To find your local center copy and paste this address: http://www.pregnancycenters.org/advantage.asp .
Your in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us updated and remember no matter what you choose we are here for you.

With Love,
Lori
[> [> Subject: Re: Just found out...now what??


Author:
Tracey
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 07/28/09 4:26pm

Hi Kristen! Yes, change can be good and of course scary when thrown at you and hits you like a mack truck out of nowhere! :) But you know, as scary as change can be, it can also be beautiful and enlightning. It can open a whole new chapter in our lives---one that we may not be quite prepared for, but nevertheless beautiful and exciting.

It sounds like the father took the news well...even though he's leaning towards terminating, it doesn't sound like he's completely freaked out and demanding that you terminate.

Lastly, I want to leave you with this...while all these emotions and feelings feel scattered and you're left just trying to pick up the pieces and make some sort of sense in all this...stop, take a deep breath, and listen to your heart. What is it telling you?

We are here for you anytime you need to talk. My e-mail is always open as well. I am praying for peace and understanding in all this! Please continue to come back and keep us posted!!!
God bless,
Tracey
[> Subject: Apology


Author:
Pat
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 07/28/09 6:31pm

I hope Kristin will read this.

I apologize. I hope she will forgive me. I just said what I felt was right, but it's really hard to know. I have no clues such as tone of voice or body language, so it is impossible to know what effect a person's words are having on another. I probably needed to say some of those things, but I could have been kinder.

I need to know if she wants answers to her questions.

Pat
[> Subject: Apology


Author:
Grandparents
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 07/28/09 6:47pm

I got to thinking about the issue of grandparents. I am one, so I have some insight, I suppose.

I need to talk about forgiveness. Forgiveness is when a person makes a decision not to hold the hurt he's experiencing against the person who is causing it. Jesus took our sins into His body and paid the price so He could forgive us.

If one of my children had an abortion, I would probably forgive if that child wanted forgiveness. But I would bear the hurt of knowing what happened to my grandchild in my own heart for the rest of my life. So perhaps it's not a question of forgiveness so much as it is a question of the price a person will have to pay in order to forgive.

Pat
[> Subject: Re: Just found out...now what??


Author:
Heather
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 07/29/09 1:53pm

Hi Kristen,

Welcome to the board! There's a lot of awesome women here, and each one has their own experience to bring to the table.
I can't agree more with Shellie about the perspective of either way your life is going to change.

My instinct is to say that if you 'know if your heart' you want to keep this little one, you should! It will change the tapestry of your life, but so many things do - we don't seem to be able run that ship as undistracted as we'd suppose to at the outset of our plans. :)

And sometimes the unplanned events in our lives are the very ones that God uses to make the most beauty. He seems to specialize in that.

Having already addressed the primary instinct you referenced to want to keep your baby, I can add my other two cents that working backward from priority the 'other things' seem to have a way of working themselves out. Maybe it would help to simply think of this little one as 'your' son our daughter, not necessarily a link forever to the biological father. In the end, it is your body and your baby. There's the positive there to focus on.

The circumstances surrounding that an unplanned pregnancy that make it scary (finances, responses of loved ones, career decisions, etc) are always shifting anyway, always prone to being utterly different even a calendar year into the future, but abortion is permanent. I have volunteered time counseling post abortion women, who are very dear to my heart, and it does weigh heavily to hear the suffering and struggle over the permanence of the loss, and feeling at the time as though they 'had no other choice' but painfully reconsidering afterward.

My own thoughts: I think human life is a continuum from conception to death and therefore that abortion is wrong, for both the new human life created that shouldn't be discriminated against because of it's 'smallness,' and for women, who in my experience most often opt for the choice of an abortion of their baby, in violation of all their natural instincts, because of fear. I think women are best served when they are supported in the new challenges that come with the new life created, emotional and otherwise, so they don't feel so much pressure from without to think that their 'life will be over' with the protection of the new person's life. I do believe that all life is a gift from God, and when peacemaking measures are sought, they are bountifully granted in grace.

This is what I have seen so far.

I also know an unplanned pregnancy is a crazy strange journey to be on in those first weeks. You're not alone! So many women have faced your mountain. I hope you'll keep posting and taking advantage of this venue for decompression.

Don't forget to take good care of yourself! Lots of extra sleep, good support system, and good diet/vitamins.

I don't know what city you're from (I'm in Santa Cruz, CA) but just about every city in America has a Pregnancy Resource Center that offers every help known to woman under the sun. They are seriously great facilitators. Everything is free, and they offer emotional counseling, financial resources, career resources for women who are pregnant or have small children (their are tons out there!) and baby things. If interested you can easily find the one closest to you online.

With Kindness,

Heather
[> Subject: Re: Just found out...now what??


Author:
Shellie
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 07/30/09 4:03pm

Hi Kristen,

You've been on my mind and I have been wanting to reply to your last post, however, I'm busy at the moment. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be posting soon. I don't want you to think I've forgotten about you and everything you're dealing with at the moment!

Let me know how you're doing.

Shellie
[> Subject: Dear Kristen...


Author:
Shellie
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 08/ 3/09 12:21pm

Hi Kristen,

I hope things are beginning to come together for you, but it wouldn’t surprise if things were becoming even more stressful for you as you try to figure out what to do. The early part of an unplanned pregnancy is the scariest part, for sure. I hope you don’t mind if I use YouTube videos to respond to you. I was looking for a song to share with you, since music has a way of speaking truth and going right to our heart. I’d never heard of this song before, but the words were exactly what I’d wanted to convey to you:



Stand through the pain—you won’t drown (so true! This situation seems hard, but if you hang on and face the pain, fear, and uncertainty head on, you’ll find that everything will work out.)

The fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down (fear does make you feel like you can’t do it. Don’t listen to the fear whispering that you won’t make it—you will!)

I hope you stand your ground and face the fear, because not only will you not drown, you’ll feel a happiness you never knew could come out of this unwanted situation.

I accidentally came across the video I believe Pat was referring to, regarding the woman being transported from an abortion clinic moaning in pain. I was going to share the video with you, but as I went to retrieve it from my favorites, I discovered the video is no longer available. It was entitled Abortion Clinic Butano Drive Sacramento California. This clinic is 30 minutes from my house. The video showed a woman being transported on a gurney from the abortion clinic to the ambulance. While the nurse is giving the EMT directions to the hospital (don’t ask me why the EMT’s don’t know the way!) you can clearly hear the woman moaning and calling out in pain. My intention isn't to change your stance on abortion, but I do want share "our" side so that you may better understand where we're coming from. I want you to understand why Pat said the things she did. Pat's intention wasn't to hurt you, guilt you, or even scare you into choosing against abortion. She was speaking from her years of experience of witnessing the different choices women make. Pat has helped countless women who are suffering from an abortion. She truly cares about these women--before and after an abortion.

I can understand your belief that abortion is a safe procedure because there isn’t much being publicized to dispute that. It’s just those “crazy pro-lifers” out there saying it’s unsafe. The abortion clinics want you to feel it’s safe because they lose money when people start believing there are legitimate concerns for their physical safety.

In reality there are many risks. Here are a few (taken from a PRO-CHOICE website):

Risks

· Injury to the uterine lining or cervix.
· Infection. Bacteria can enter the uterus during the procedure and cause an infection. This is more likely if an untreated disease, such as a sexually transmitted disease (STD), is present before the procedure. Symptoms of fever, pain, and abdominal tenderness will usually start within 2 to 3 days of the procedure. Antibiotics given during or after the procedure reduce the risk of infection.
· Excessive bleeding.
Rare complications include:
· A hole in the wall of the uterus (uterine perforation, rare), which most commonly happens during cervical dilation. Bleeding is usually minimal, and no repair is necessary. If bleeding is a concern, a laparoscopy (a procedure that uses a lighted viewing instrument) can be used to see whether it has stopped.
· Constant, excessive bleeding.
· Tissue remaining in the uterus (retained products of conception), usually causing recurring cramping abdominal pain and bleeding within a week of the procedure. However, prolonged bleeding sometimes does not occur until several weeks later.
· Blood clots. If the uterus doesn't contract to pass all of the tissue, the cervical opening can become blocked, preventing blood from leaving the uterus. The uterus becomes enlarged and tender, often with abdominal pain, cramping, and nausea. A repeat vacuum aspiration and medicine to stop bleeding are used to treat retained products of conception or blood clots.
Having two or more D&C abortions could create enough scar tissue to affect your future ability to become pregnant (infertility), as well as your risk of pregnancy complications. Such complications include implantation of a fertilized egg outside of the uterus (ectopic pregnancy), miscarriage, or growth of the placenta over the cervix (placenta previa). 3


The site says having 2 or more abortions could create enough scar tissue to affect your future ability to become pregnant. But my sister only had 1 abortion and because of the scar tissue, she was never able to carry a baby to term (she got pregnant one other time, but miscarried). She regrets her abortion and would do anything to re-make that decision.

You can always tell the difference from a pro-life site and a pro-choice site as they explain the abortion procedure and its risks. The pro-life site may say something like:

As the sharp curette tool scraps the uterine wall, as it cuts up the baby, there is a risk of uterine perforation, as this is a “blind” surgical procedure.

Pro-choice:

The curette is used to gently scrape the lining of the uterus and remove the tissue in the uterus. There is a very small chance of perforating the uterus, but this is VERY rare.

Which description makes you feel better?


YouTube description of Suction and Curettage/Vacuum Aspiration




Woman dies from her abortion



Girl in Coma from ABORTION - March 2007




Actual transcripts of 911 calls from abortion clinics

Ambulance calls to Tiller’s abortion clinic


Botched abortion by Tiller


Chances are you’ve heard that George Tiller was gunned down while serving as an usher at his church recently. But I’m betting that before now you never heard of his patients that died at his hands. Yes, there is a cover up. This is why women believe abortion is safe. You don’t hear about the risks, and about the women who suffer complications.

Fetal Development

We have a clear understanding of the delvelopment of the baby. Some women have no idea of the delelopment process and aren't aware that their abortion is stopping a beating heart. But there are women who are clear on the development, and feel that abortion is killing. They may even be pro-life, but feel they have no choice but to abort. And then there are women who believe it's not a life until it takes its first breath outside the womb. I feel every woman considering an abortion should have the facts about fetal development so they can make a decision based on the facts--how they react to the facts is up to them.

Ultrasound 6-week fetal heartbeat-audio


Ultrasound fetal heartbeat-visual


True abortion stories

We've been talking to women for years who are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. We've seen the pattern of fear and uncertainty. And we've wittnessed the many women who stood up to these fears and were later thankful they carried their baby to term. We've tried our best to console those who are suffering the pain and regret of choosing abortion. We truly care about these women and want desperately to help other women avoid this pain.

Shannon's Story


Robin's abortion story


Lisa speaks about her abortion


Andrea speaks about her abortion


Angie speaks about her abortion


Dan and Julie Abortion Testimony


Kristen, I hope you can better understand our point of view, even if you don't agree with it. I certainly see your side! I may not believe abortion is a good choice, but I can see how fear of the unknown can cause women to turn to this very desperate act.

I hope my post hasn't caused you any further pain. You're in my prayers!

Hugs,

Shellie
[> [> Subject: Terminated the pregnancy


Author:
Kristen
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 08/13/09 6:50pm

Hi Ladies -
I really, truly appreciate all the time and effort you have put into responding to my desperate email. I really had no idea what I was supposed to do.

I understand that you will all be disappointed to hear this, but I decided to terminate my pregnancy. I think that you could hear in my original email that I wasnt ready to have a child. I wasn't ready to change my life and dedicate it to someone other than myself. Call it shameful if you'd like, but I'd call it realistic.

I'd also like to call on you women to STOP posting the videos and messages that show women moaning in pain while going through an abortion. I myself chose a medication abortion and while it was far from the most pleasant experience of my life, I hardly needed an ambulance to transport me to the hospital while writhing in agony. It wasn't pleasant, but it was NOT life threatening either.

I know this isn't the story any of you wanted to hear, however I thought it was important to share. Choosing life isn't always the best option for every woman, and I want other women out there to know that its OK to choose abortion. There are people out there to help you through it and not judge you.

Kristen
[> [> [> Subject: Re: Terminated the pregnancy


Author:
Shellie
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 08/14/09 12:28pm

Hello Kristen,

I’m so sorry for you. My heart is heavy knowing that at some point you will most likely experience the grief that accompanies abortion.

I had a hard time approving your message, for a few reasons. First of all, I don’t want to take part in sending out the wrong information to another women who is considering aborting. Maybe she would see your post and feel better about aborting because a post-abortive woman says her experience was safe and without emotional pain. I don’t want women to mistakenly believe abortion is easy/safe/empowering. But the truth is: there ARE complications associated with abortion. The video with a woman moaning in pain after her abortion is a REAL woman in pain after an abortion. She was REALLY being transported from an abortion clinic to the hospital. Even if the complication rate was extremely lower than it is…lets say 1 in a million, I still think every woman considering an abortion should have the information that there is a 1 in a million chance that there could be a complication. Don’t you think they should have that information?

There is risk involved in EVERY surgical procedure. Even the common Tonsillectomy has a risk of DEATH. It’s a low risk; 1 in 15,000 die after a Tonsillectomy. But it’s still a risk! The problem with abortion is that the risks are kept quite, with only pro-lifers being willing to tell the truth, making it look like “scare tactics”. Three days before you first posted, I had undergone a D&C and Hysteroscopy to remove a mass and have it biopsied. It was VERY hard for me to go through with the surgery knowing the risks associated with it. Even though I was not terminating a pregnancy, I was still undergoing a surgical procedure that could cause uterine perforation, and other complications like uterine scaring. And since I do want another child, I worry about the risks associated with a future pregnancy after a D&C. I went ahead with the surgery, knowing the risks, because having Cancer would be even more risky! But the fact is THERE ARE RISKS WITH A D&C and every woman should know about them. There are also risks associated with a medical abortion (taken from a pro-choice site):
http://www.michigan.gov/mdch/0,1607,7-132-2940_4909_6437_19077-46287--,00.html

It is normal for some women to actually feel pure relief following their abortion. They can stop worrying about the changes their life would have undergone, and they can feel as though everything has gone back to how it was before they became pregnant. But most often reality does hit them at some point. I’ve counseled with so many post-abortive women and they’d shared their experience of initial relief that later causes guilt for feeling relieved! Perhaps you’ll be one of the few who remains indifferent regarding your decision to abort, but I want women to know that most women do experience emotional pain over their decision to end a pregnancy. They all have different points at which the pain begins. For some it’s the moment the abortion is taking place, and for others it not until later when something triggers a memory, or they realize their child would be a certain age had they not aborted. Some women begin to feel the pain during a future pregnancy, like during an ultrasound when they see their baby’s heart fluttering on the screen and realize they aborted a child at that stage. Women who abort are significantly more likely to become addicted to alcohol/drugs, and are more likely to commit suicide. It goes against a women’s instinct to kill her child. A woman just naturally wants to protect her child. When she goes against this instinct, it will most likely cause her some emotional distress at some point. This is a fact.

Another reason I didn’t want to approve your message is because I knew I’d then have to refute what you said in your message. And I did not want to cause you pain. This forum is sometimes where women who are hurting from an abortion come for comfort and support. And I don’t want you to feel like you wouldn’t receive that same support from us. It’s hard for me to dispute your post so others won’t be misled, without saying something that could upset you. If I have hurt you in any way, I’m very sorry.

Take care,

Shellie
[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Terminated the pregnancy


Author:
Kristen
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 08/14/09 12:57pm

Hi Shellie -

Thanks for responding to the post. I would just like to clear some things up regarding what I wrote yesterday. First I would like to thank you for approving the post in the first place. I know my views are not shared by most people on this board and I applaud you for allowing them to be shared anyway.

Second, I really want to be clear that I am absolutely not saying abortion is empowering and lacking in any physical or emotional pain. My experience was far from empowering and "pain-free." My intent in posting about my decision was to let other women who may come onto this board know that there is someone out there to talk to should they choose termination, and that termination may not necessarily be wrong in every case. Of course I have dealt with the entire spectrum of emotion from regret to anger to relief. For me though, this was still the right decision to make. I am still spending much of my days coming to terms with my decision, which I would have done even if I had chosen to carry out the pregnancy. Instead of dealing with the emotional pain of terminating a pregnancy, I would be dealing with the emotional pain of carrying a child I was in no way ready to have. I'm not sure I'm making sense, but I wanted to be very clear that I am absolutely NOT indifferent to the situation I'm in, and my pain goes far beyond just what I physically experienced.

I very much appreciate all the support your messages have contained, although we stand on opposite sides of the fence. I hope I have not shown disrespect in sharing my views here. I think I'm just asking for everyone to hesitate before jumping to conclusions about each poster's situation and mental state. Some of us make this decision from a very well-informed place, and have the emotional capacity to deal with grief in a healthy way. That's all I'm asking. Before jumping in with the facts and statistics and drug abuse, alcohol addiction and suicide rates, maybe try listening to the words of each poster first. A decision to terminate may not always be the decision that brings doom to everyone.
[> [> [> Subject: Re: Terminated the pregnancy


Author:
Pat
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 08/14/09 1:39pm

Hi, Kristen,

Thank you for writing back twice. I'd like to add a few thoughts of my own.

I can't speak for the moderators here, but I'll tell you how I handle moderation elsewhere. I want to make sure that nobody gives medical advice. None of us is a doctor. It's often easy for a woman who has your perspective to say something that could be construed that way, and anybody involved in the loop of conveying that information to a woman could get into trouble, especially if the woman suffers damage.

Abortion is unique in the sense that it is rare for there to be a medical reason for it, so all of the risks have no counterbalancing risks at all. Doctors are supposed to first do no harm, and that means, among other things, weighing the possible risks of acting against the possible risks of not acting. In the case of abortion, since there is no medical risk of not acting in most cases, giving a woman an abortion is not a sound medical decision.

I agree that anybody who has done lots of research is in a position to be more satisfied with the ultimate decision, no matter what it is. But I have seen that complications are no respecter of persons, and even a woman who is very sure of her decision could get badly hurt. In particular pill abortions are killing a lot of women in India (they either bleed to death, or they may get toxic shock syndrome, which kills within hours). And that's not the only place this is happening. I know one abortionist who is still recommending that pills be used vaginally, which is what causes toxic shock syndrome. That abortionist shrugs off any possibilities of serious damage, but recommending they be used vaginally is no longer standard practice in the US because of the dangers, and it appalls me that some abortionists will still make these kinds of recommendations. How can we know that a woman will be in safe hands, when we know there are so many back alley types still operating? I don't know. I do know from extensive research that abortion damages the reproductive system of over 1/3 of the women who get abortions, and I also have worked with women who were certain of their decision, who then became suicidal. In addition, a woman has a heightened risk of suicide six times what it would be if she carried. And drug abuse and alcohol abuse are common. So are homicide and fatal car accident. Abortion also causes the incidence of cerebral palsy in future children to double, and it also causes epilepsy and autism. Abortion makes childbirth much more risky in the future, and increases the chance of death, but these are attributed to the birth, and not to the abortion, even though without the abortion, this wouldn't happen. And abortion also causes breast cancer. So many of my close friends who have had abortions have had serious problems. There isn't a single exception. The fact that most people think abortion is relatively safe is the result of propaganda, not facts. Abortion is really very dangerous, and a lot of women never talk about the problems they have suffered. I'm sorry, but I have no choice but to try to warn women, and I do my best to warn them as gently as I can. Just before you came, I had seen that video of the woman being transported to the hospital, and it really upset me. Of course I know this happens all the time, but it's different to be an eyewitness, and I hope you understand why I felt the need to warn you. I try to listen to MY heart, and my heart said to warn you. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm also in the dark because I don't know you, and I can't watch how you are reacting to what I say. For any hurt I have caused you, I apologize.

I try to warn women because I love you. I don't want to see anyone get hurt. I hear what you are saying when you say that it would also be troublesome for you to have a child. I'm sorry you feel this way, but please know there is support for women who choose to carry. We have a lot of freedom of speech here, and too many of us know what the risks are, and for us to keep silent would be to be complicit in the fraud that is being promoted by the abortion support movement and the media. We have to speak up. Perhaps it makes people uncomfortable, but we really can't conceal what we know. That would be wrong. You also will be able to post here, to other women, and I am sure the moderator will approve your message provided it doesn't endanger the other woman in any way. And yes, you are not the only woman who posts here who believes abortion should be legal.

I have worked with far too many women who were OK with their abortion to begin with, until they got blindsided. I call it blindsiding when something triggers a woman to cause all the feelings deep inside to come to the surface where she is aware of them, and often, a woman is not equipped to deal with it. I want to warn you as well. Here is a web site which is run by a woman who is in favor of legal abortion. www.afterabortion.com. I know this woman and she is a good person. She is trying to deal with women who have suffered emotional repercussions, and she gets a lot of flak for doing this. She specifically warns people not to say anything that might be triggering. This is her term for what I have just described. It can be anything: a movie, a conversation, seeing a baby in public, seeing a picture in a medical textbook, or a thoughtless comment. I try very hard not to make thoughtless comments, but we're all human.

Just know that we WILL be here to support you any time you need it.

And I hope this message doesn't hurt you in any way. If it does, it was unintended.

Hugs,
Pat
[> [> [> Subject: Re: Terminated the pregnancy


Author:
Heather
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 08/14/09 3:32pm

Wow, what a gracious exchange of views. It's so great to see that level of respect.

Kristen, I wish the best for you. You are a woman made in the image of God, and are of great value. I understand where the other women are coming from in posting their own thoughts. I'm glad Shelly posted your decision post because it would have been unnecessary censorship not to, and I also think it's awesome that Pat and others are able to share their views on human life and abortion. It's a truth and side that needs to be heard.

For every woman who feels abortion was the right choice for her to make, there are as many who are devastated by it, and wish they had been more informed and less pressured. Many of these women have posted on here, sharing the grief and trauma of a regretted choice years later. As women, it is truly heartbreaking. I think it does a service to women to hear the whole story so they can make a truly informed choice.

Of course what it always ends at is whether or not one regards the fetus as a real human life, or something lesser that is not protected by human rights. Most women here are convinced of the sanctity of human life as a continuum from conception to death, and so they post their thoughts accordingly.

I respect you equally and am genuinely sorry for the trial you have had these past weeks, and the end result. May the weeks ahead be filled with rest, clarity, and abundant grace.

Hopefully they gave you good after care instructions at the abortion clinic - but be sure to eat a lot high iron foods and maybe even take some supplements. Lots of rest.....

Take Care,

Heather



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