Oh not again. -- Unplanned Pregnancy Advice Board

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Subject: Oh not again.

Author:
Bella (very confused)

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Date Posted: 08/13/09 9:56pm

I am so confused I have three children 9,5,3 and I recently seperated.I fell in love and it just so happened we got pregnant it was a instant you need to have an abortion I had thought long and hard and decided that it would be the best thing. 3 months later after the abortion I found out that I was pregnant again only 2 weeks prior I had went to the Dr's to get a test to make sure I was'nt pregnant and got a prescription for birth control.I told my bf and he instantly said abortion and I was very upset...I new right away ya this isnt what I wanted at the time but i will never go through with an abortion ever again.So at this point I broke up with him because everytime we talked everything he said was so negative yes I understand he isnt ready for this and that but he should at least be supportive and he is not....It brings back bad memorys because with my first child I went through hell but in the end it was worth it but to have to go through it all over again alone and with no support from the dad is very upsetting. I am so confused I am thinking that I am being a very selfish bad person because i am not gonna have an abortion and I feel as if im gonna ruin his life which hurts me because I really do love him.What I really want to know is morally doing this again keeping a unplanned child a bad descion I am so overwhelmed i am begining to feel like it's the end of the world .Having this baby will change my path which is fine willing to accept it but If I know what my choice is, cause I am dead set about having it why am I still feeling confused, scared ,worried, I think having the abortion the first time ruined me does anyone having any advice on how I can stay sane at this point..

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Replies:

[> Subject: Re: Oh not again.

Author:
Alise
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Date Posted: 08/13/09 10:48pm

Hi Bella,
First off, you are not a selfish person for keeping your baby alive! She/He is counting on you. The womb should be the safest place for a baby. This baby is a gift. You may not see it this way right now, but you will. Of course you're confused. Adding another baby into your life is a huge change. Now there is a lot more for you to consider in your life. You should check into a pregnancy center near you--www.pregnancycenters.org. They can help you to get started. You never know, maybe the father's first reaction will eventually change after time. Don't wait for it though, do what is in your heart.

Take care,
Alise

[> Subject: Re: Oh not again.

Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 08/14/09 12:32am

Hello, Bella,

I'm sorry you are being treated this way. It isn't right. I assume that the father knows what makes babies, and he chose to take a chance. Please know that when a woman has sex, her body releases hormones that cause her to bond with her partner.

Let me talk a moment about what love is. There are several different kinds of love. There is brotherly love. There is the love of friends. There is love of family. There is romantic love, and there is self-sacrificing love. Romantic love is what happens when you are attracted to someone, or when you have sex. But the kind of love you deserve is self-sacrificing love. This is a decision, not an emotion. Your boyfriend really owes it to you, and did owe it to you to choose to cherish you before you ever went to bed with him. He didn't do that. You deserve better. So regardless of whether you love him or not, and regardless of whether you chose to cherish him, he is asking something of you he has no right whatsoever to ask. He chose to take a chance. HE ruined his life, not you. And your baby doesn't deserve to pay for HIS actions with his or her life.

You don't want an abortion. So don't have one! It's not selfish to protect your child. Lots of children aren't planned. More than half my family wasn't planned. Obviously, our two adopted children weren't planned, but also two of our other children weren't planned, either. I cherish them all.

Your boyfriend is manipulating you. You don't owe it to him to get him off the hook, and you don't owe it to him to hurt yourself and your baby. Don't let him manipulate you. Stand your ground. His behavior is abusive, and quite frankly, he doesn't deserve for you to cater to that wish. Nobody has a right to demand that someone else forfeit their life for his comfort. He simply is NOT cherishing you. He's not even coming close. It's a hurtful reality, but that's the way it is. He may come around. Some guys do eventually. But he may not. But you have to stand firm in the meantime because abortion is forever.

When a woman gets pregnant after an abortion, it is tempting to get into a cycle of one abortion after another. But that cycle won't be broken until the mother either stops having sex, can't conceive anymore, or carries a baby to term. Abortion is dangerous, and could take your life. You have three other children to take care of. What would they do if you had an abortion and it killed you?

Stand your ground. Take one day at a time. You have made the right decision, but you know it is a difficult one, so you are worried. And that is entirely reasonable. But do the right thing, and let your boyfriend go deal with it. Please take care of yourself and your baby.

We will be here for you and we will pray for you. Come back any time.

Hugs,
Pat

[> Subject: Re: Oh not again.

Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 08/14/09 10:04am

Hi Bella,

Welcome!

I think it's so hard for women to get entangled in the biological father's doubts, manipulations and sometimes outright pressures and ultimatums about a new life created because they feel vulnerable being pregnant with their child.

It makes all the sense in the world to have the input of the father weigh heavily, but in the case of a pressure to abort it really does tweak and pervert all kinds of instincts, both those we have naturally as women to protect our little ones growing inside us, and those to look to the father for support.

So - it doesn't surprise me that you are confused on an emotional level! You have confusing messages and instincts going on.

I think you have done so well to take to heart your strong conviction during your last abortion to not repeat that sense of destruction. You are already being a strong mother to your little one whether it feels like it or not!

It's easier said than done, but if you can try to place the biological father's opinions and pressures on the back burner, with the greater priority being the reality that this is your baby, your body, and your conscience. Since you have already made your decision, maybe just some time to let things settle is all that's needed.

And if it's any consolation, you aren't alone! There are so many women who face an unplanned pregnancy with the added stress of a biological father trying to add guilt that
the mother is 'ruining' his life by going through with protecting life.

He is scared and inconvenienced, and is (wrongly) taking these apprehensions out on you, even if he says them 'sweetly.' You have no reason to be apologetic about being a good mother and a strong woman!

I have children similar to the ages of your - four actually! 11,10,9 and 7. We didn't 'plan' any but the first one and we'd have spaced them further apart if we'd had it in our power to do so. I'm so thankful for God's providence, though. I LOVE having them so close in age now and our 4th child, our little girl Clara, is the seriously the world's sweetest and joyful child. I can't imagine my life without her beautiful smiles and sweet hugs.

Children are not the first area in my life I've encountered where I've become thankful for God's tapestry of things prevailing over my finite vision of how things ought to be. :)

You can do it; you've passed the hardest hurdle in going through an abortion and learning from it, and deciding so resolutely to protect this little one. May he or she be a delight beyond words to your mother's heart, and may God give you grace abundantly each day to go through this pregnancy with peace, wisdom and even joy through the challenges.

With Kindness,

Heather

[> Subject: Re: Oh not again.

Author:
bella
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Date Posted: 09/ 2/09 9:51pm

Thank you all it makes me feel a million times better just to know that there are other people out there that dont even know me but are supportive and encouraging.Although Its really kinda funny that the babys dad had called me once again ,to try and persue me into having an abortion and can you belive that he is saying that I am also selfish now huh..I find that's so ironic considering he is asking me to have an abortion for him..I am dealing with the fact that this isnt gonna be easy but well worth it and like always I will do the best.

[> [> Subject: Re: Oh not again.

Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 09/ 3/09 10:07am

Bella,

I think you are showing some real wisdom when you talk about how the baby's father wants you to have an abortion because you're being selfish! That takes a lot of gall, as you rightly pointed out. You recognize he's the selfish one!

Nobody knows what he will ultimately decide. But it takes time for men to deal with this and process it when the circumstances are as they are.

So many women get coerced into abortion by the father. That's why we often say, unwanted and unsafe. Probably 2/3 of the women who get abortions didn't want them. So where's the "right to choose"? Beats me. You have a right to PROTECT your baby from people like him! It certainly doesn't speak well for his character that he would want you to commit a violent act against your own baby. He is an adult. He can take care of himself. Your baby is defenseless.

Already, you show us that you are past the panic. At this point, there are a couple of things you can do. One is to bear with all the stuff he tries to do to persuade you to have an abortion. The other is to tell him that if he mentions abortion, you will hang up on him. Then do it. And if he calls right back, don't answer the phone. Tell him that you have made your decision. The more often you do this, the more likely he is to accept your decision and leave you alone about it. So don't be surprised if he does it more than once. And be careful. I don't know what else he might try to do. If you feel the least bit threatened at any time, make sure that you have no contact with him.

He may come around. Give him time. But like I said, be careful. We are really all alike in a way. We women accept pregnancy much earlier than a lot of men simply because it's real to us much sooner. But men don't see the evidence as soon. They have to see a change in the mother's body, or hear a heartbeat, or see an ultrasound, or feel movement. Most of these things don't happen until the second trimester. Just hang in there. Don't give him any encouragement that might cause him to think you are wavering.

You'll do fine. You are a lot stronger than you think. Work on getting the help you need to meet the new challenge.

You are still very much in our prayers. We pray that God will protect you both, and your other children as well.

Hugs,
Pat