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Subject: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Julie [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 08/ 1/09 12:17am A few weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I have been on the pill for 13yrs and this is the first time this has happened. Me & my husband freaked out and the initial thought was to have an abortion as I have been drinking quite heavily for ages now and a baby just wasn't in our future. We have a 13yr old daughter and was resigned to the fact she would be our only child. Went for a scan a few days after finding out and they couldn't confirm if they saw anything so will most likely be very early. I've had to wait about 4 weeks for another scan due in a couple of days to determine if viable and how far along it is. The problem being that my husband definitely wants the abortion but the more i've read up on it etc & the fact that it's been almost a month knowing Im pregnant I've definitely got conflicting views about what to do. I've tried to talk to my husband saying that I'm now absolutely terrified of what it will mean if I go through with the abortion. He understands it will be difficult and said he will support me but the support I need is not what he is willing to give. That is I need him to support me in having this child if that is eventually what I do. I feel so trapped and lonely and really don't know what to do??????? [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/ 1/09 1:29am Oh, Julie, I am so sorry your husband is doing this! If you don't want an abortion, don't have one! He has no right to ask that of you. You are the one who will have to live with the medical consequences, and given you don't really want one, you will also have to live with the emotional consequences. As for your drinking, if you stop now, it probably won't be a problem. Tell your husband that if you have an abortion, you will probably resent him and it will end your marriage. That happens so often anyway. Tell him that you have decided to have your baby, and that your mind is made up. If he hassles you, walk out of the room. If he follows you, tell him you are leaving the room and he is not to follow you. Be steadfast and firm. It will be hard, but you can do it. I'll pray for you. Find an organization in your area that will stand behind you. If you live in the United States, you can find one by going here: pregnancycenters.org Tell your husband that an abortion could kill you, and then who would take care of your daughter? Abortion is so dangerous, and you are finding that out. Also, be patient with him. Men don't usually relate to pregnancy until much later than women do. They need to experience some kind of evidence. It could be an ultrasound, hearing a heartbeat, seeing changes in the mother's body, or feeling movement. These things don't generally happen until the second trimester. We are aware we are carrying a baby much earlier than that. Tell your husband that this is his baby, too, and he has the responsibility to cherish you both. It is disgusting that so often a woman has to argue in favor of life against people who try to coerce her. But just hang tough. If he decides to abandon you, you're still better off than if you have an abortion. You have to live with yourself. This is your baby and your daughter's sibling. Having been an only child for six years, I can tell you how lonely this is. It won't have a desirable impact on your daughter, either. Either she will find out and it will make her insecure, or she'll sense something is wrong, or she will feel survivor guilt. It will have an impact on your ability to be a good mother. We'll be here any time you need to talk. Keep in touch, and take care of you both. Hugs, Pat

[> [> Subject: Re: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Julie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/ 1/09 9:47pm Thank you for your words of support. I will keep you updated & am hoping like anything that my family is not broken apart because of this & am also hoping I have the strength to do the right thing. It seems anyway I go at the moment is with pain and loneliness so I am really really hoping the universe helps me out with this one?

[> Subject: Re: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Shellie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/ 1/09 1:54am Hi Julie, Welcome to the board. It's actually pretty common for the woman re-think the plan to abort than men. There are a lot of reasons for this, but obviously the pregnancy and the reality of undergoing an abortion are going to affect the mother more. It is the woman who is carrying the baby and it's the woman who will have to lay on the table and let the doctor surgically remove the pregnancy. Women are more connected with the pregnancy than men. Men are slower at bonding with their unborn child. It's a pregnancy to them--not a baby. And abortion is just a word for making their life go back to normal. But for a woman, even a woman who is confident with her decision to abort, it's a life changing event with many emotions involved. Although men aren't as quick to warm up to an unplanned pregnancy, men who love the mother and our committed to the relationship do fall in love with the baby. They just need more time to get there. I want to encourage you to go with what your heart is telling you. Your husband will eventually catch up to you. If you're worried about him resenting you, just keep this in mind: It's more likely that you'd resent him for having to deal with the constant guilt and regret that so often follows an abortion (especially an abortion that wasn't wanted). In contrast, how could he resent you when he will be in love with his own child? It may take him a while to get to that point, and life may not be enjoyable while he's on his way there, but he'll get there. Do you have family and friends who will support you? I'll talk to you soon! Shellie

[> [> Subject: Re: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Julie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/ 2/09 10:29pm All is lost. The scan made no difference to him if anything it increased his desire to abort it. What's worse is we have now pretty much come to a point where our marriage has truly suffered and I don't think it can be repaired. I have no family as my immediate family were killed in a car crash when I was young. I have no support and feel done. I just want to be with my family now I know that is weak but I do not have the strength to be dealing with all this pain and suffering. I want to go home :(

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/ 3/09 11:06am Julie, My heart goes out to you. We are here to support you. So you do have support. If I could give you a hug, I would. But a cyber hug will have to do. ((((((((Julie)))))))) Please go to a local crisis pregnancy organization. They will support you and give you the hugs you need. Your husband has no right to even ASK you to kill your own child. You can find one by going here: pregnancycenters.org You are doing what you need to do. You have a child to protect. Put that foremost in your mind and heart. If you go home, you aren't going to be protecting your child, and that has to come first. As I mentioned, men don't get to the point of accepting a pregnancy until much later than women do. Give your husband time. If he won't come around, then he has shown that he is willing to do violence to his own child, and if I were in your shoes, I'd seriously ask if I even want to be married to a person like that. Take one day at a time. Let him know you have made your decision, and it's not open to discussion. If he says anything at all about you having an abortion, leave the room. If he follows you, tell him, "I am leaving the room. Don't follow me." If he won't leave you alone, take your other child and go to a women's shelter. Stay there for a few days. The strength we have isn't ours. It's a gift from God. God promised us never to give us more than we can bear, but will give us a way out. He will give you just enough strength to live through each day if you will let Him. Ask for His strength. Don't try to do it on your own strength. You can't. I will be here for you. Please take care of yourself and that precious little one you are carrying. Remember, this baby is a gift from God, and is made in His image. In my own experience, God always has a reason for giving us a child we don't think we want. I'll tell you about my experience. I became pregnant when medically and physically I was tired and worn out. Abortion was unthinkable. The birth was rough. But you know what? That child has been an unbelievable blessing! He delighted me for hours with his classical guitar playing. He stayed with my mother-in-law during her last year of life, when all she wanted was to stay in her own apartment; his presence made that possible, and he was the only one free to do it. He mended a lot of broken family relationships with his counsel. He spent two tours of duty in Iraq to help defend this nation from terrorism. And he has given me a beautiful grandson. Was it worth it? Absolutely! At the time I conceived him, I had no idea what God had in mind for his life, but now I do. You will also find out in due time why God has given you a child your husband doesn't want. He has ENTRUSTED this little one to you. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby. Hugs, Pat

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Heather [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/ 3/09 1:32pm Julie, I'm so sorry for the isolation you feel right now. There is hope! If you can get extra sleep right now and just let as much of this wash over you as possible that sounds like it would be a good idea. Pat's suggestion to find your cities local pregnancy resource center is a great one, too. They can offer all kinds of emotional as well as practical help. Please know we're here for you. You are made in the image of God and are of inexpressible value. Take good care of yourself and post whenever you'd like to decompress. I will be praying for you. With Kindness, Heather

[> Subject: Re: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/ 3/09 9:28am Julie, My heart hurts for you right now. It is so incredibly sad that you are feeling torn between protecting your little one inside you and protecting the rest of your family. Does your 13-year-old know you're pregnant? Is he or she encouraging abortion too? (I would think that if I were a sibling and I learned that my parents aborted one of my earlier or later siblings, I would feel terrible knowing that that it could have just as easily have been me and only by the "luck of the birth order" was I spared.) One thing that comes to mind is that if, after 13 years of birth control, you happened to get pregnant, it certainly sounds like this pregnancy was meant to be. Also, your comment about the strain on the marriage already is insightful. The fact is, you can end a pregnancy but you can't erase it: You will always have been pregnant with this little one whether you choose to abort or not. And, that reality will impact your relationship with your husband, whether you abort or not. Sharon P.S. Have you considered open adoption?

[> Subject: Re: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Shellie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/ 3/09 1:44pm Julie, Stand strong! You do not have to abort! I'm so sorry that your husband isn't supporting you when you need it the most. If he is committed to you and loves you, he'll eventually come around. It doesn't make any sense to abort against your will, just to have a man you'll resent. The pain, guilt, and regret would cause havoc on your marriage. Stand strong--you will get through this! We are are here for you. God is with you--you are not alone. Please keep in touch! Shellie

[> Subject: Re: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Julie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/ 6/09 3:03pm My marriage is in crisis. I tried talking to him but he just pretty much went hostile and made me feel unjustified in how I was feeling. I do not think we are going to make it :( It is so hard as I will be all alone and Im pretty sure our daughter will go with him. I have made an appointment to meet with a councillor on Thursday to talk about my pregnancy options and will see what that produces. Im trying my hardest to keep it together but it is very lonely as I do not have any family or friends I can talk too. Lowest I've ever been :(

[> [> Subject: Re: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/ 6/09 4:34pm Hello, Julie, My heart goes out to you. Don't give up on your husband or your marriage. Give him time. If he really thinks you ought to hurt yourself and your baby, then you would be better off without him. You should tell the counselor that your husband is coercing you. But please don't seek counseling at any place that offers or refers for abortion. They won't be honest with you. We know this from experience. They're in the business to sell abortions. They will make any other choice seem like the end of the world. If you choose something else, they lose a sale. Julie, your husband is putting you into a position where you have to choose between your children. Either kill your younger one, or lose your older one. Nobody should EVER do that to a mother! It is cruel. Take your daughter and go to a women's shelter for a few days. Don't contact him. Instead, contact a crisis pregnancy organization. They provide counseling. I may have given you this link before, but I will give it to you again. Please go to pregnancycenters.org . You can even talk to them by email or over the phone. Your whole future is at stake. Abortion is violence against the mother, too. Abortion will kill your younger child and could also kill you. And then who would take care of your daughter? Abortion could also disable you so severely you won't be able to take care of her. And even if you seem to get away with it, it will hurt your mothering ability. And a lot of women who get abortions commit suicide or meet a violent death in the year following anyway. Not only that, but a lot of marriages break up after abortion because the woman resents her husband for doing that to her. Or it could interfere with your attempt to get him to accept you again. Not only that, but if he will try to subject you to this violence, what else will he do to you? Stand your ground! It's not worth the risk. You are too precious. Please, please don't do this! We will be praying for you. We love you, your baby, and your daughter, and we love your husband, too. Do the right thing. Don't do the wrong thing because your husband is being cruel to you. Don't give in! Please. Hugs, Pat

[> [> Subject: Re: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/ 7/09 8:36pm Is your husband threatening that he'd take your daughter? Or are you assuming your daughter would choose to go with him? It's very hard to think clearly when we're under tremendous stress. Take a deep breath. You don't have to do anything immediately. You have time to reflect. Don't let ANYONE pressure you into having an abortion because "time is running out". I almost aborted my first child with that kind of reasoning. But, thank goodness, I cancelled the appointment. Instead of sorrow, grief, resentment, and regret, I have a beautiful son (29) AND he and his girlfriend just had a little boy 9 months ago! Does your daughter know you are pregnant? If she doesn't know, does she suspect something? It's important to realize that abortion affects siblings, too. It sounds like your marriage is going to be in serious trouble whether you abort or not. If you do, you will likely regret your husband putting you in the terrible position of having to kill your own offspring in order to make him happy. If you don't, he may threaten to leave. But, if he does leave, he might also return when your little one is born and he actually sees and holds him or her. If it doesn't return, then I hate to say it but you're better off without him. This child is depending upon you to protect him or her. No one else - absolutely no one else - can or will do it. You're it... (I know that sounds like a huge responsibility, but it comes with glorious rewards! ;-) Sharon

[> Subject: Re: Completely Lost & Confused Author: Shellie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08/ 7/09 5:26pm Hi Julie, I wish you were receiving the support you deserve. I have seen husbands behave terribly over an unplanned pregnancy, initially, but later come to love their child. There may be a chance that will happen here. But I don't know a lot of the details. Were you having trouble before the pregnancy? Is he normally a loving husband? Is he a good father to your 13 yr old? Stay strong. I'm praying for you Julie! Please let me know how you're doing. Shellie