| Subject: Hi Liz |
Author:
Ben
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Date Posted: 02:14:53 12/28/02 Sat
In reply to:
Liz
's message, "Hi Ben" on 22:48:44 12/21/02 Sat
Liz,
Good to see you back on the board. I was starting to wonder if this was a topic of interest to very many people at all.
>I'm very sorry about your dad. John was pretty
>unrecognizable as well. They pumped him full of
>steroids to keep the tumor swelling down and he got
>very puffy too. He also got diabetic too the point
>where his fingernails were falling off. I found one of
>them on the floor the day he died and I kept it which
>might sound kind of sick, but it reminds me of holding
>his hand.
No, that doesn't sound sick. My feeling is that it's important to grieve in whatever way makes sense to you, at least at first. I think if you get to a certain point and you see yourself unable to go on with life, it's time to get help, but for a while, it's kind of like just keeping your head above water. For myself, I thought very seriously about buying my dad a gift this Christmas. But when I actually went shopping, it didn't cross my mind. I think I was just trying to get the presents and go hom.
Christmas has been kind of tough for me. How about you? I got a job being a waiter because I didn't want anything with much responsibility, and that has worked out well until now... just as Christmas got here, I found myself unable to work at all without feeling incredibly anxious. I went home several times, and ended up (tonight, actually) telling them I need some time off and that I'll come back when I can. I feel like I'm on the edge of some sort of breakdown, even though I've never been that kind of person, and I'm trying to respect what my mind and body are telling me.
My anxiety is turned up to the point that it doesn't take much to push me over into severe anxiety land, so I have to be careful. It's frustrating, because I've always been a strong person, and I've never had a problem with anxiety before in my life. I found that running a couple of miles every two days was really helping me, but the cold weather has kept me from doing that, which I think may be a contributing factor to my increased anxiety.
>My doctor gave me Wellbutrin, but it didn't really
>work, so i stopped taking it. I just stick to my
>bizarre rituals and beleifs and it seems to help.
Yeah, I take 10mg of Paxil every day now, as well as Xanex when needed, which averages about once a week. That's frustrating too, because I've always stayed away from medicine except when absolutely necessary. But I figure it's better to keep my anxiety down than to have some sort of breakdown or something.
As far as beliefs, that's a long story for me. In my younger days, I would have leaned on my fundamentalist Christian beliefs, but I have rejected those now, and haven't really found a spiritual path. I have considered Buddhism lately, as it doesn't necessarily involve any specific concept of God, but still has several traditions regarding the path that one can take in life. I know I don't want a formal religion ever again, but I think I'm leaning toward pursuing Buddhism in some form or fashion right now to give me some sort of direction.
> I
>actually tried to find religion and it didn't do
>anything for me either. This last year felt kind of
>like watching the titanic sink, i imagine (not to
>diminish the tragedy of all of the titanic deaths, but
>it was my older brother, and to me it was impossible
>to beleive that anything could happen to him).
I know what you mean. I still have trouble sometimes believing my dad is really gone. I guess in some sense, I've been in denial over these many months, even though I thought I had dealt with it.
>I never want to celebrate Christmas agian without
>John. He was a little worried last year that it would
>be his last Christmas (It was pretty bad anyway; we
>celebrated in the hospital and no one could wait to
>get it over with) and I figure that if it was my last
>Christmas too he won't miss out on anything.
Yeah, Christmas was very hard for me (and still is... tis the season). I think for now, you just need to do what feels right to you. No need to figure out what you're going to do in the years to come... just live day by day. Everyone says it will get easier with time.
>I hate to just keep blabbering about it. I really wish
>I had something comforting or constructive to say. Out
>of curiosity, how old are you? Is your mother ok? Are
>your friends understanding?
You're not blabbering. That's why I made this message board. You're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing here. :) Believe it or not, I find some comfort in the fact that you have experienced simliar feelings as I have. Something about not being alone in these feelings, I guess.
My mom is okay... she and my dad divorced when I was seven, but, interestingly enough, she took him into her home and took care of him as he was declining. We had to put him in a nursing home at the very end, but I don't know what we would have done without her.
My friends are understanding, yes. I have wonderful friends. Tell me more about you.
Ben
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