| Subject: Grace Dent's Friday BB Blog |
Author:
bren
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Date Posted: 16:44:57 08/04/06 Fri
I know how much this column is enjoyed by pez and P2f so here it is
Back to school
Posted on FRI 4 AUG, 12:40PM
Day 78: the Big Brother university opens its doors to students. The housemates are kitted out like extras from an early 90s Gap ad: preppy hoodies, camel-coloured trousers and rucksacks. They visit the diary room to receive their coursework folders.
Ash and Glyn are to study "communication". At the BB uni communication means studying sign language for the deaf, not learning how to understand the workings of mass media, which at least could have softened the blow for when they get out and read the tabloids. Glyn and Ash skip off merrily to learn the first few lines of Holiday by Madonna.
"Now I can help blind people!" beams Glyn proudly, which isn't totally illogical: if Glyn tells all those great anecdotes about drinking in Blaenau Ffestiniog in sign language, at least blind people can be spared the tedium.
Imogen and Mikey are learning anatomy. Pete and Jennie are learning English literature and drama.
Richard and Susie are asked to learn Welsh; they look rather anxious, especially as there are phrases such as, "I am horny", "Totally, babes", and the more challenging, "Can you tell me the way to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch?" "Don't worry, we'll help!" Imogen and Glyn offer genuinely. "Wow! Thanks, Glen!" says Richard.
Everyone sets down to work: Susie and Richard mutter a few innocuous comments about it feeling like Klingon and needing "breathing apparatus", Glyn gets a bit huffy about Susie not trying because her "English upper-class s**t is coming through". That's the sum total of the drama. This is a pity, as Big Brother clearly wants the four to have a huge nasty spat about cultural imperialism.
Back on day 50, Richard nominated Glyn and Imogen and said something pretty unremarkable like: "Glyn talks about Wales nonstop. I've always wanted to go to Wales, but I've heard so much now I don't. No offence to the people of Wales, I'm sure it's amazing, but it's just been constant." By the end of the week, it was widely accepted in the media that Richard had been making anti-Welsh remarks.
"How can you like Richard?!" Dermot asked Josie d'Arby, "He's been slagging off the Welsh!" "Has he? I didn't know that!" she shrieked. This is all pretty unhelpful, if you ask me. Let's antagonise some of Wales's more thin-skinned viewers about a racist comment, which didn't actually happen. Hey, why not get the Borehamwood police down to investigate, too?! They've been sitting about doing nothing since they arrested Pete Burns's coat last January.
Pete and Jennie are learning a scene from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. Obviously with Pete performing, the play will feel a bit like watching Hollyoaks after Hours: the same old familiar lines, but peppered with filthy language.
Pete is getting himself worked up about having to act with Jennie. "I hope you don't think I fancy Jennie," Pete tells Big Brother, "Because I don't." Pete is rocking and slapping his chest, his forehead is a perfect furrow. Don't worry, Pete, I don't think you fancy any of the women in the Big Brother house, or any of the women outside of the Big Brother house, for that matter.
Pete shares his concerns with Ash. "I don't want people to think I fancy Jennie," he says. Ash looks a little mystified. "I'm not sure why this is a problem, Pete," she says. "Well, it's a problem because I don't!" he says. Ash pauses for a while. "Well, it wouldn't matter if you did. Why are you so stressed?" Pete paces about for a bit. "Well, she's got a boyfriend," says Pete. "Yeah… I've seen you staring at his picture for ages," says Ash, who sort of bites her lip before saying anything else.
Quickly, many of the students are distracted by the "student union" facilities: the cheap and nasty booze, the snooker table, the occasional burst of music, which leads to even more wild butt-shaking while ogling themselves in the mirror. Why do Ash, Pete and Imogen like to glower into the mirror while dancing? Don't they see enough of themselves already?
Somewhere along the line, instead of dancing with each other, kids have started preferring to dance alone while leering into a mirror, so they can titillate themselves with how sexy they look. It's beyond vanity.
Later, Ash and Imogen retire to bed with pints of cider and black, totally exhausted by their two hours of studying, which is fair enough as two hours is exactly how many hours per week one is timetabled to study for an English BA.
"People think we're stupid as I'm blonde and you're Miss Wales," Ash tells Imogen. No, Ash, people think you're stupid because you dilute your moments of genius with moments of intense screaming and dancing while pouting in a mirror, and people think Imogen is stupid because she says things like: "Aye dunno why I'm here, I'm just here. Aye dunno why, babes," before staring into the middle distance wearing an "I see dead people" expression.
Today's big rumour is that after the double eviction, a former housemate will be placed back in. The Sun and the Daily Star seem quite sure that this will be Nikki.
I hope Endemol is ready to refund to me the money I wasted voting her out. I actually feel sick. I'm sure she's had weeks to perfect her air-con/need water/this is Nikki's bed routine and is more than willing to act like a performing gibbon in return for camera attention. I think Endemol is leaking press releases just to wind people like me up, so I'm not going to get any more frothy-mouthed about this. They wouldn't do that to me…
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