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Date Posted: 20:34:54 07/19/01 Thu
Author: SM78
Subject: Job Interviewing Tips

So I'm doing all of these job interviews and getting all of the usual e-mails from headhunters telling me how to behave during the interview, what to say and what not to say, how to dress, blah, blah, blah, and I know all of the rules and obey them because I want a job.

"I WOULD BE A GREAT ASSET TO YOUR COMPANY BECAUSE I CAN INCREASE YOUR SALES RIGHT AWAY! I'LL HIT THE STREET RUNNING AND MAKE YOU GLAD YOU HIRED ME!!" What stupid, moronic statements! Yet these recruiters want you to act like a gleeful, highly-motivated idiot rather than being authentic. I opt for authenticity. I am confident enough to communicate effectively and confident enough to turn down an interview with a company for whom I don't want to work. Screw the recruiters. I am more than a commission check for those bastards. I am the one who will have to do the job after they've cashed their check and moved on. Having said all of this, I thought it would be fun to make up a perverse list of "Do's" for Drunks out looking for jobs:

1. Do interrupt the interview at mid-point by excusing yourself thusly, "Excuse me, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Do you have a magazine or a newspaper I could borrow?" Then go take a dump for about fifteen or twenty minutes. When you return be sure to complain about how dirty their bathroom was.

2. Change the subject as often as possible to that new deer hunting rifle you're going to buy as soon as you get a new job.

3. Eat a banana during the interview. Offer no comment about the matter. Just eat it as if nothing is unusual. Then neatly fold the peel, place it into a bright yellow bag that is labeled "Uncle Donald", and then tuck it into the pocket of your jacket

4. Clip and file your fingernails during the interview and maintain no eye contact while doing so. Lick your fingertips to get the nail dust off of them. Spit out little pieces of cuticle and nail as you work your manicure.

5. Begin to loudly hum "Battle Hymm of the Republic" when the interviewer is speaking. Discontinue immediately when he pauses and stare at him with a puzzled look. Let him bring up the subject of what you're doing and then deny that you were humming and ask to see his supervisor because you are feeling harassed. Insinuate that he wants to hire a friend and is attempting to sabotage your interview by telling management that you were humming. Make a federal case out of it by suing them after you are forced to leave their facility by the police.

6. Bring your pet dog with you to the interview. Claim that your dog is trained in such a way as to be of benefit on the job for which you are interviewing, "Why, Lucky here can smell a sale a mile away! And customers just love him! He barks when I shouldn't go into a particular customer's because he can smell rejection. That's why I call him, "Lucky the Sales Dog!"

7. Arrange to have your pager go off during the interview and then ask to use their phone. Stay on the phone for at least two hours. Keep shusshing them away if they bother you at any time. Act indignant and claim that you are handling an emergency for the L.A. Lakers organization or a professional baseball team.

8. Ask to go online to prove some point and then log on to
"violentdeathimages.com" and illustrate your point by using images from a plane crash. "This shows what your sales will be like if you don't hire me." Be as intimidating as possible to the interviewer while making this graphic point. "You don't want to be the reason this company fails do you? No, you don't. Let's move on to the offer right now. How much are you prepared to offer me to save your company from ruin? And don't insult me with a cheap offer or I will walk right out that fucking door and never come back!"

9. Gentleman: Be sure to have an adult-sized diaper and frilly plastic pants fall out of your briefcase. Offer no comment as you put them back into your briefcase.

10: Ladies: Be sure to have several loose photos of large male dogs fall out of your briefcase. Again, offer no comment as you put them back into your briefcase.

11. When asked why you want to leave your present job, reply by stating, "The Apollo astronauts were brave men who risked it all to go the moon. I too am an Apollo astronaut who is willing to risk it all to go to work here." To emphasize your bold statement, take out a tube labeled "Astronaut Liver Paste" and begin to suck on it. As you roll the tube flat and eat the liver paste, maintain an absolute steely lock on the interviewer's eyes. Slowly masticate your liver paste as you study the interviewer's soul -- and remember, do not speak after you have made your statement. In this encounter of wills, the first to speak loses.

I invite my fellow Drunks to share their tips for interviewing success.

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