| Subject: All ot it....everything....it is ALL WORTH IT! |
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Dreemdanser
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Date Posted: 15:05:02 12/15/03 Mon
I have such exciting things to report, I barely know where to begin. I want so much to tell you how worth it every sacrifice, every frustration, every dissapointment, every feeling of "this is just so hard!", every time you think "Will I ever really get there?"...It is all, ALL, worth every bit of it!
The only negative (for me) is really, truly, realizing how much time I wasted and how much happiness I missed out on, by being fat and unhealthy for 6+ years. I can never get back those "lost" years, and that, honestly, is the only regret. Standing at this spot in time, looking over the high and difficult mountain I have climbed (for a year and a half)and seeing my goal in sight...attainable, close, so close I can almost touch it....knowing truly and surely that it is real and not just a wish or hope.....I am telling all of you, the sacrifice is NOT the food I have missed out on for the last year and half, NOT the denial of tasting or enjoying things I have not put in my mouth, NOT even the relaxation I might have enjoyed rather than making myself get up and excercise when it would have been easier to lay on the couch....no, that is not the real sacrifice, not the regret. The real sorrow, and the real deprivation, and the real sacrifice was denying myself the pleasure I now feel in this renewed body, for all those years. The happiness I deprived myself (and my husband....goddess, he is a saint!) of for those years can never be reclaimed. The photos and memories of what should have been special times and events that I don't want to recall because of how awful I look in those family pictures, how miserable I remember feeling at those events!...none of that can be reclaimed or done over. And all the pictures I didn't want taken, because I knew how awful I looked! All the things and events I didn't go to because I felt like hiding, or didn't feel healthy enough to do! No, none of it can be gotten back. They are lost years. But, I have the joy and reward of knowing that that time of being lost, and trapped inside that miserable fat self are over...behind me....and that all the joys and happiness of this renewed self are mine, and my family's.
(Thank you for your forebarance...I know this post is going to be long! But I do believe it is going to be of benefit and hopefully inspiration to each of you!)
I had a day and a night on Saturday, Dec 13th, that was like it was out of a dream. It was so enchanted and so wonderful in so many ways, I have been dying to be able to get to share it with you all. Let me give you a little background; Saturday was the x-mas party for my husband's company. This was the third year we have gone to it. Each year they have done it up "big" renting out an entire floor of a nearby resort's baquet facilities....cocktail hour (all drinks on the house), dancing, full sit-down dinner...in short, "the works". This resort is very upscale and and top-notch. The big bosses are there, etc. The first year, I wore black velvet stretch pants (extra large) with a size 20 silk beaded blouse (ok, a tunic) that came down past my thighs. I could barely fit in a pair of old size 10 back low-heeled shoes with my fat feet. (now I am back to a 9..I used to be an 8 1/2). Then last year I went to the x-mas party after having lost 50 lbs, and wore a stretch lace dress I had had for years. It was pretty much only fitted around the shoulders and top of the bust and then hung straight down. My big problem is I carry a lot of my fat in my back...specifically under my bra strap and to my waist...so the dress revealed some bulges there. I managed to feel pretty good about that by wearing a lace ribbon-tied blouse over the dress which managed to look like it went with the dress and cammoflaged that back area. So, I felt really good about getting dressed up last year and dancing with my wonderful husband for the first time in many years, last year. I remember being able to finaly fit my engagement and wedding rings together on my finger to wear that night (one of my huge goals!) They were still tight enough that it was a relief to take them off when I got home that night. (to compare....The rings are now so loose I had to have a ring guard put on them so they won't spin around my finger or fall off! I will have them re-sized when I reach my goal. Even though I am only about 27 lbs less since then, it has made that much difference.)
So, yes, I have only lost about 27 lbs in the past year. (the total to date is 76 1/2 lbs.)
This year, I had been holding out the company x-mas party as a real incentive to help me keep at the whole process....that along with our annual anniversay trip (we leave Friday, Dec 19th...it will be our 8th anniversary) Originally I had hoped to be able to fit in that imfamous little balck velvet dress (size 8..but man is it a small size 8!) with the rhinestone straps. I even got a pair of oh-my-goddess shoes in black satin with pearl and rhinestone straps to wear with it! But I realized back in November that I didn't have a prayer of fitting in that dress this year, so I changed my goal to a red off the shoulder dress that I hadn't worn in 10 years. Not only is it fitted, but the whole back, down to the waist is shirred with elastic thread, making it a rather unforgiving style for me with my bulge-prone back. I hadn't worn the dress since back in my ballet years (translation: 6, hour and a-half long each, advanced ballet classes a week). Actually SW had never seen me in it except in pictures as I had had no occasion to wear it when we were first together. To give you an idea of the style, think of the red dress in Pretty Woman only a flowing, above the ankle-length skirt. I was very very frustrated with my non-existant progress with weight-loss for the past month or so. I would lose a lb, gain 2, lose another, gain another. A very very frustrating period. But I did manage to stay with it all and make a tiny bit of progress by the day before the party. I tried the dress on and looked in a hand-held mirror with my back to a big mirror to see how bulgy my back was. I felt devastated to see how bulgy it looked back there! I tried on some other dresses and nothing was any better. Not to be done-in I decided to go hunt for some kind of long-line underwear and make the best of it!! I went out the day before the party and came home empty handed...the stores had yeilded nothing I could deal with. Then the day of the party, Saturday, Dec. 13th, I colored my hair in the morning and got dressed and headed out to the mall to try again to find something that would slim my back under the dress. It was now already into the afternoon! I went to Sears and began piling tons of garments on my arms. The store was mobbed so I had to go way around and down another clothing isle to get to the fitting room. On the way, I passed these suede pants in a lucsious camel-tan color that were to die for. As some of you know, I have not wanted to buy any pants or jeans, thinking it would be a waste a money since I have so many jeans and pants I still haven't fit into! I have worn the same 1 pair of jeans since the Spring!!! They were getting pretty worn let me tell you! Ok, so I had seen these suede pants in Victoria's Secret and they were like these in Sears. The ones in VS started out at 149.00 and went on sale to 118.00. I drooled, but just didn't dare. So here were prety much the same ones in Sears that had started off at 90.00 and were now 1/2 price! I looked, sighed, but kept going right on into the dressingroom. It was a daunting task to find an undergarment. I finaly found a couple of things (also on sale) that I hoped would work. Those pants were calling to me and I figured, you know, just for the heck of it, let me try them on and see just how far away I am from ever wearing something like that. My whole wordrobe that I am trying to fit back into, is all 7's and 8's (for those of you who are wondering, this is really not small for me since I am only 5'2" and have very narrow hip bones). So I got all dressed again and went out and grabbed a size 8 and took it back to the dressing room. I got undressed again and tried them on. THEY WERE LIKE FALLING OFF ME!!!! I was shaking. I got dressed again really fast, grabbed all the undergarments I wanted to buy, etc. and went back to look for a 6. There were two 4's, and I had to hunt and hunt, and finaly found one size 6. I grabbed the 6 and just for the heck of it, one of the 4's as well. Then back to the dressing room, my heart absolutely racing. Undressed again, and literally hearing my heart pound in my ears I pulled on the 6. and oh-mygodsandgoddesses the 6 was loose!!!!!!! My hands shaking so hard I could hardly work my fingers, I tried on the 4.
I FIT IN THE SIZE 4 SUEDE PANTS LIKE A DREAM!!!!!!!!!! It was all I could do not to yelp for joy in the dressing room!! Well, needless to say, I bought them, and while I was at it, a couple of pairs of jeans (also on sale) as well! (The Levis: size 8, and the Land's End: size 6!!!) I went home with this huge stupid grin on my face from ear to ear.
Of course now I was in trouble for time to get ready for the party!! I was ecstatic as I told my family about the size 4 pants!!! I wrote on our kitchen message board, "MOM FIT INTO SIZE 4 PANTS...OH YE-AH!" I quickly made myself a spiruteen shake (no telling what the food would be like there) and sipped it while I got dressed. First things first....had to iron the dress! As I was completing ironing the skirt I discovered a huge stain on the back/side of the skirt!! Nothing would take it out. (there went another 25 minutes!) I decided to iron around it an wear it anyways since it didn't stand out and the skirt had some flow and soft folds to it. Praying for dim lighting, I told SW if anyone noticed I would pretend it had just happened!! He said he really didn't think it showed. Now for the moment of truth....the undergarments on (let me tell you, going to the bathroom at the party was a production!), I slipped into the dress and checked the back in the mirror. The undergarments had done the trick!!!! I was higher than kite at this point. On went the jewelry and the black satin strappy heels....up went the hair. I came down the stairs feeling like Cinderella going to the ball, to see my husband holding my coat for me(oh yes, the SIZE 6 coat my mom got me for x-mas!). I had made him wear a red and black musical x-mas tie I bought for him! He definitely looked gorgeous! I felt my tummy doing butterflies of nervous excitement the whole way to the party.
At the party, I felt amazing. I can't begin to tell you the feeling. Men's (and women's) heads were turning. I was getting double-takes. Waiting behind SW while he got drinks at the bar (a sparkling water for me) I had several men strike up a conversation here and there. This sort of thing hadn't happened to me in almost 7 years. I could see in SW's eyes that he was getting off on having me on his arm, and seeing the envy in the other men's eyes. We sort of circulated and met up with some people I had met other years, and he introduced me to some I hadn't met. When it was time to go in to dinner it was a relief to have a couple we sat with last year save us a seat. We walked past the big boss's wife and I said hello and asked how her kids were. She was wearing a red dress also....so I complemented her of her choice of color...hehe. The wife of the couple we sat with is a real sweetie and everyone else at the table was nice. At one point the MC asked everyone at each table to identify the man with the ugliest tie at their table..since they had been teasing around about SW's musical tie that I made him wear they all said it was SW (even though the tie isn't ugly) so the MC made the ugly-tie wearer's stand up, and he said that their date or wife got to take home the centerpiece at the end of the night!! cool! It is a really beautiful centerpiece with red and white roses and a candle in the middle!!!
Dancing with SW was so wonderful. We danced to every slow song and I felt like a million. I actually had a decent dinner since SW gave be all his broccilli and I was able to get quite enough lean meat out of my prime rib. I had one tiny taste of the creme brulee and then gave the rest to SW. Then SW asked the MC to play "Lady In Red" which was the first slow song we had ever danced to...10 years ago! So the MC played it and it was so magickal I felt like I was in a dream or fantasy, it was so, so wonderful. I have to say I really hated the evening to end. I felt just like a beautiful princess with ther prince. (how could I have been so foolish to deprive both of us of such happiness for so many years!!?) When we went downstairs to the lobby at the end of the evening SW went to get the car and I waited in the lobby. There were like 4 valets who rushed to get the doors for me when SW pulled up outside. What fun!!
The whole way home we kept saying what a good time we had had. At home, I had our son take some pictures of us while we were still all dressed up. SW was exhausted, but I was higher than a kite, and like Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady, felt I could have danced all night. So I decorated the whole yule tree by myself till 2:30 AM!! LOL!! Of course I couldn't go to sleep without writing in my weightloss journal about the whole day and enchanted evening!
You would think it can't get any better than that...but since Saturday I have lost another lb and a half!! LOL! I am so looking forward to our anniversary trip, and our anniversary dinner. That dress is going to the cleaners in hopes that the stain will come out and it will be ready by Friday! One of the small pairs of jeans I have been struggling to fit back into now fits. It is an 8. I think there is a difference between misses 7 and 8 and junior sizes, which a lot of my old jeans most likely are. Anyways, I am looking forward to packing all sorts of pretty clothes for our trip. I have to tell you the simplest things feel great such as knowing I can wear long johns under my clothes without feeling like it will make me look fat. (the trip will be about 3 hours north of here and usually pretty cold up there). Just lame stuff, like throwing on leggings and old sweatshirts feels great. Oh yes, and let's not skip the lingerie I am packing...hee-hee...like a red satin and lace chemise! SW says he is going to take me shopping at a huge mall up there also. fun.
I know I may still have a long road ahead of me before I reach my goal. (it takes longer and longer the closer I get to goal.) But I can see it in sight, and know now that I will not quit (honestly for the past year and a half I have been afraid I would quit). I hope I am never foolish enough to re-gain the weight. At almost 50 years old (I will be 48 this April) I know that my years of being a head-turner are slipping by. But right now, I am going to revel in it, and soak up the feelings and carry them into my later years like precious treasure....memories, pictures, happiness, and knowing I and my wonderful husband and my family deserve this...this being able to be active, and healthy, and energetic, and even beautiful.
There is no food this good. Not even close. If you don't believe that yet, take my word for it...and soon you will know it, too. Everything is waiting for you...all the joy of living life to its fullest. My son is coming home for New Years. He hasn't seen me since early last Spring. We will take lots of pictures of us all together. You know, I sort of feel like a kid again. There are not adequate words to describe how wonderful this all is. I know how tough the road is...I know it intimately, my dearest friends...but know that nothing, but nothing, is worth giving up, or delaying, or throwing in the towel on endevoring to be the best you can be, in all ways.
Pouring out love to you!
Dreemy
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