| Subject: Never Forget |
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CQ
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Date Posted: 13:27:30 07/21/02 Sun
This is what happens when the Angst-o-meter is in the hands of its inventor…
Part 1
Sometime next fall…
What a week! Mac thought as she stepped into the familiarity of McMurphy’s. Not to mention the last three weeks, going back and forth to Norfolk to talk to my guilty as hell client! she reminded herself ruefully. It’s time to kick back and relax…
Grabbing a seat at the bar, she ordered her usual tonic with a squeeze of lime. While waiting, she looked in the mirror idly and grimaced at her weary face. As the barkeep set her drink in front of her, something else caught her eye however… That gesture is so familiar, it reminds me of Harm, she thought wistfully. But this guy has a girl with him, Harm’s not seeing anyone…
Unable to resist her curiousity however, she leaned over the bar to check, catching the eye of one Harmon Rabb, Jr. Whipping her head around so he couldn’t see her tears, Mac quickly finished her drink and walked out.
Harm watched the retreating form of his best friend with a sense of trepidation. Well now you’ve done it, Rabb, he cursed himself. You got caught with your new girlfriend before you had a chance to tell her. How are you going to get yourself out of this one? He was so wrapped up in his thoughts he didn’t notice his date’s attempts to get his attention until the third time she called his name. “Hm? Oh, I’m sorry Jess. My mind must have wandered. What were you saying?” he asked politely.
“Nothing important… Harm, is something wrong? You seem really preoccupied,” the brunette questioned with concern.
“No, of course not,” Harm quickly denied. At her look of disbelief he backtracked and said, “I guess I am a little tired… look, do you mind if we call it a night?”
“No problem,” she replied easily. “I’ll see you tomorrow night for supper?”
“Of course,” he said as he bent to kiss her cheek. “Drive safely, ok?”
Two minutes later, Harm was in his Vette, speeding toward Georgetown. I’ve got to explain, she’s got to understand, he told himself desperately. She can’t stay mad at me! When he arrived at his destination, he ran up the stairs, not bothering with the elevator, and pounded on her door. No answer. Trying again, he again got no answer. “Mac, c’mon open up! I know you’re in there… we need to talk Sarah.”
It was his use of her first name that convinced the angry marine on the other side to give him admittance to her apartment. She opened the door and glared at him. “I don’t know what you think we need to talk about,” she said coldly.
Harm’s heart sank at those words, but he tried not to let it show on his face. “I want to explain. I know you’re mad at me, but…”
“I’m not mad Harm,” she cut him off. “I thought we were getting back to the way we used to be… it just hurt to find I was wrong.”
“What… what do you mean?” he asked slowly, the feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach growing larger.
“I mean that the old Harm wouldn’t have left me to find out about his new relationship through office gossip. I guess I should be grateful I saw you before someone told me, that would have been humiliating. So tell me Harm, when were you planning to tell me?” she asked.
“Mac, it’s not like that! I was going to tell you, I just didn’t want to give you anything more to think about when you were defending that SOB. I knew that if I told you before you got a chance to meet Jess that your reaction would be negative and…”
“What’s that supposed to mean Harm?”
Crap! Betrayed by my runaway tongue again… Taking a deep breath, Harm chose to answer honestly. “It means that you’ve never given any of my girlfriends a chance. Annie, Jordan, Renee… you disliked them all before you even got to know them.”
“Oh, you mean the way you ‘got to know’ Mic before you decided you hated his guts?” Mac hated herself for bringing this up, especially when her reaction had initially been the same, but she had to defend herself. He was getting too close to the truth.
“Ok, I deserved that. For the record, I’m sorry for my behavior when it came to Mic. I know that contributed to a lot of the distance that grew between us. Now before you say anything else or I say anything that can hurt you, may I please explain it all in one speech, no interruptions?” She just looked at him warily. “Please Sarah, this is important to me,” he pleaded quietly.
Taking her slight nod as a gesture of acquiescence, he plunged in. “Jess and I met about a month ago. She was civilian counsel in a case I was prosecuting. When the verdict came back guilty a week later, she was suddenly without dinner plans—seems the guy had been so sure he’d win that he’d promised to take her out as a thank you. So I suggested we go grab a bite to eat. I was not thinking of romance at all at this point, just looking to not be alone for another meal. You were in Norfolk or I would have invited you to come too…
“Anyway, dinner was great. Jess is an amazing woman, strong and independent. Do you know she paid her way through law school by licking envelopes? She had a regular job for her living expenses, and then she got one of those “work from the comfort of your own home” things to pay for school. To make a long story short, we hit it off. The next day, I called her and we set a date for that weekend… we’ve been seeing each other ever since,” he finished softly.
“So you’ve been together for about three weeks now? Why didn’t you tell me before Harm? Were you really that afraid of my reaction?”
“Yeah, I was Mac. You’re my best friend and your opinion is important to me. I want you to like Jess, I think you will if you give her a chance. In fact, why don’t you come over to my place Sunday for supper and I’ll introduce you?”
“I don’t know Harm…”
“Please Mac, just give her a chance…”
“Why is this so important to you?” she asked before she could stop herself.
“Because I think she might be the one, and I want my best friend to like her.” Too stunned to speak, Mac simply nodded her agreement. “Good. We’ll see you at 19:00 Sunday then,” he said and quickly left.
Part 2
Mac closed the door behind him and leaned heavily against it, mind whirling. The One!? Did he actually just say that? Harmon Rabb, Jr, the anti-commitment guru claims to have found the one? Slowly she turned away from the door, going to sit on the couch. I should be happy for him right? My best friend just told me he’s finally ready to settle down, and he seemed happy… why can’t I be happy for him? she wondered as she began to cry.
Because I’m in love with him… because I wanted to be the one! her breaking heart cried. Damn you Harmon Rabb! For six years I wait for you to let go and then when you finally do, it’s with a different woman. What is it she has that I don’t? Why didn’t you want me? After she had cried all the tears she had in her, she fell into an exhausted sleep.
Sunday, 18:00
As Mac prepared to go to Harm’s, her mind continued the debate it had been carrying on for the last 40 hours. Do I really want to do this? Can I do this? But it seemed so important to Harm… all the more reason to stay home! I don’t know if I can handle seeing him with her yet…
Finally she knew it was time to give herself a stern talking to. “Suck it up Marine! You can do this, you don’t have any choice. Harm is not yours, you’re going to have to learn to live with that. Right now, you just need to get through this night without breaking down. The rest can come later. Now you have exactly 29 minutes until you have to be at Harm’s apartment, so prepare yourself!” With that, she grabbed her keys and jacket and walked out the door.
Harm meanwhile was finishing up dinner preparations. “Bread in the oven, salad on the table, casserole sitting on the stove…” he muttered to himself. “Now why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?” he asked as he moved around the table. “Jess and Mac will be here in a few minutes, what is it? Jess and Mac…” He looked down at the table—it was set for two! Not taking the time to wonder what that meant, he simply pulled another place setting out the cupboard and placed it on the table.
And just in time, because someone lightly knocked on his door just as he set the plate down. Glancing down at his watch, he smiled slightly and went to let his best friend in. “Right on time as usual Mac…” his voice trailed off when he saw Jess standing there instead.
“Any particular reason you thought I was Mac Harm?” she teased.
“Uh… she’s got this timing thing, always on time without wearing a watch. In fact…” He turned as he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. “Here she is now.” He and Jess stepped in the apartment, holding the door open to let Mac follow them in. “Mac, this is Jess MacGuire. Jess, Sarah Mackenzie.” he introduced briefly before beating a hasty retreat to the kitchen.
Just like a man, Mac thought mutinously. Get you into a situation, and then leave to let you figure out how to get out of it. Pulling herself together, she turned to Jess and smiled. “It’s nice to meet you. Harm has told me… well not much really, but that’s because I only heard about you on Friday.”
“He didn’t tell you until…” Jess was speechless for a second, then she turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “HARM! You didn’t tell your best friend about us for almost four weeks?!”
In the kitchen, Harm winced under the attack. “Um, not exactly… I mean… well no I guess not… it just didn’t come up!” he hedged.
“Didn’t come up…”
“Don’t worry about it Jess,” Mac quickly cut in. “I got on him for it last night.” She raised her voice slightly and said, “He won’t make that mistake again!”
“Yes Ma’am!” Harm replied quickly, glad he’d been let off the hook.
Part 3, picking up after Mac leaves
Harm’s POV
“Harm, I need to ask you something.”
If her tone of voice hadn’t told me this was serious, the look in her charcoal gray eyes would have. For that reason, I abandoned my joking response and simply said, “Ok?”
“Why didn’t you tell Mac about us?”
This lady doesn’t pull any punches! Time to be honest Rabb… “I was afraid of her reaction. In the six years we’ve been friends, I don’t think either of us has dated someone the other approved of. I wanted this time to be different.”
By the considering look on her face, I can tell she’s going to ignore my last comment and zero in on the one before it. I brace myself… sure enough, it’s not long in coming. “Harm, are you and Mac more than friends?”
I vowed at the beginning that the nebulous, tenuous, and confusing relationship between Mac and I would not sound the death knell for another relationship. Now it’s time to keep my promise. Taking a deep breath, I plunge in. “Yes we are.” Ignoring her hurt look, I continue. “We are best friends and partners. After six years of being there for each other, I suppose our relationship is almost familial.” I pause for a moment as I remember another conversation… “Mac, I don’t think of you as my sister…”
Pulling myself back to the conversation at hand, I keep explaining. “We’ve always been protective of each other. Mic and Dalton weren’t good for Mac, and I suppose she’d say the same about Renee, Jordan, and Annie. But she liked you Jess, I could see it in the way she opened up to you.”
Jess laughed in disbelief. “You call that open?” she questioned.
“For Sarah Mackenzie, that was practically open book. If she wants to, she can make a clam look chatty,” I claim. I can tell my quick defense of Mac brought her doubts back in full force, so I jump into my confession with both feet.
“To be completely honest Jess, yes there have been feelings between Mac and me. At different points over the last six years it’s seemed like we might get together, but something always happened to prevent it.” Her trial, my return to flying, Brumby and his blasted ring, Renee and then her dad, the Guadacanal… my mind wanders over the list quickly and then continues on. “After so many failed attempts, you begin to wonder if fate is telling you something. That being the case, we’ve both decided to move on.”
There! Confession complete, now I’m holding my breath waiting for her response. “Are you sure Harm? I’m not second best, you wouldn’t rather be with her?”
The hesitancy in her voice kills me, and I jump in to reassure her. “I want to be with you Jess… I choose to be with you.”
For the first time all evening, a real Jess MacGuire smile lights up the room. “Ok then! So what are we doing this week Harm?” she asks as though the subject of Sarah Mackenzie was never discussed. I heave a sight of relief and begin to plan the week.
Part 4
Just after staff call Monday morning
“Hey Harm, could I get the Larsen file from you?” Sturgis asked as he followed Harm into his office.
“Sure Sturgis, take it please!”
“Hey, who’s this?” he asked, gesturing toward a new picture on the desk.
“Oh, that’s Jess, my girlfriend,” Harm said nonchalantly.
His attitude didn’t deter Sturgis though. “Your what? When were you going to mention this?”
Harm shifted uncomfortably. “Well, I wanted to tell Mac first… she is my best friend Sturgis.”
“Ok, so after you told her, why didn’t you tell the rest of us? Come to think of it, why haven’t you introduced her to us?”
“Uh, well I just told Mac on Friday.”
“Man, are you crazy? Do you want an angry Marine after you? Why in blue blazes wouldn’t you tell your best friend before that?” Sturgis asked in disbelief.
“How come everyone keep saying that?” Harm asked crossly. “I didn’t, ok? Now if you have what you want, I need to get to work.”
Still shaking his head, Sturgis began to walk toward his own office when something occurred to him. Changing direction, he walked in the open door of Mac’s office and shut it behind him. “Are you ok?” he asked gently.
Surprised, Mac looked up. “I see by the look on your face that you’ve heard about Jess,” she said wryly.
“Yeah, he just told me. Are you ok?” he repeated.
For several seconds she was silent, and then when she did speak it was as if she hadn’t heard his question. “You know what he told me Sturgis? He said that he thought she might be the one. I had supper with them last night, I went prepared to hate her on sight, but she’s a really nice person! I’d think she and Harm were perfect for each other, except…”
“Except that you still love him,” Sturgis finished. “If you ever need to talk, I’m here.”
“Thanks Sturgis, but I’m…”
“A Marine, I know!” He opened the door to leave and then turned back. “Mac… it’ll be ok.”
After Sturgis had left and closed the door, Mac allowed her Marine armor to crack a little. Why does this have to hurt so much? she asked herself. How come I can’t just pick up and move on, like he obviously has?
Over the next few months, the questions continued to haunt her. Harm became more and more involved with Jess, spending every evening with her and bringing her to the office Christmas party. It wasn’t until February that things really began to heat up…
Part 5
February 12, 2003
Harm walked out of the jewelry store with a light step. Glancing down at the small bag he carried, he couldn’t help but smile. This is going to be a great Valentine’s Day, he told himself as he got into his car and drove away.
2 days later
When they pulled up to the restaurant, Jess gasped. “Harm, this place costs a fortune! Are you sure you can afford this?”
“Relax Jess, this is our first Valentine’s Day and I want it to be special. Now let’s go in, it’s cold out here.” Reaching for her hand, he tucked it under her arm and escorted her in.
“Oh it’s special all right! I just wonder how you plan to top this next year,” she teased.
A look of mock horror crossed Harm’s face. “You expect me to do something like this every year? On second thought…” He started to turn around before she tightened her hold on his arm and dragged him through the front door.
“Oh no you don’t Hot shot! You promised me a night to remember, and I’m holding you to it.”
After being led to their table, Jess tried to pull Harm into conversation but his nerves were getting to him. Am I really going to do this? I can’t believe it… but this is the right time, I know it… I’ve got to get through this night! Thoughts like this were racing through his head all evening, and as a result, the conversation was reduced to “Uh-huh,” “Really?” and “I didn’t know that.”
Finally the meal was over. Jess sighed with relief, noticing painfully that Harm did the same. Why did he make such a big deal out of it if he didn’t want to be with me? she asked herself. Out loud she simply said, “That was nice Harm, are you ready to go home?”
All his warning signals came on when he heard her emotionless voice. Really looking at her for the first time since they sat down, he noticed the hurt in her eyes. I’ve been ignoring her, he realized. “Jess… I know I wasn’t talkative just now, but believe me I want to spend this evening with you. Please let me make it up to you?” he begged.
Gauging him with her eyes, she shrugged and said, “Sure, but I have to tell you it’ll take a lot.”
“Oh don’t worry Jess, I have a few tricks up my sleeve,” he said mysteriously as they exited the building.
The drive back to his place was silent, but it was a comfortable silence. Pulling up in front of his building, Harm hurried around to her side of the car and let her out. As they stepped into his apartment, Jess gasped in awe. “Harm this is beautiful… how did you manage to find all these daisies in the middle of February?”
Harm grinned. Early in their relationship, Jess had mentioned that she didn’t like roses and would much rather receive daisies or wildflowers. It was a fact he’d stored away for future reference, and he was pleased she appreciated it. “Oh, I called around here and there,” he said, finally answering her question.
“You know Jess, we haven’t exchanged gifts yet,” he mentioned as they placed their coats on the coat rack.
“Well if you’d been paying attention, you would have heard me say that over an hour ago,” Jess replied tartly.
“I’m sorry Jess, I really am… my mind was running so fast I couldn’t hear anything,” he apologized.
“Apology accepted. Now I want you to open my gift first.” Digging around in her coat pocket, she unearthed a small beautifully wrapped present. “Here,” she said as she handed it to him. Harm unwrapped odd shaped, heavy gift and stared it awe. It was a snowglobe of Grandma Sarah’s farm. Wordlessly he looked at her, and she nervously began to explain. “I know this guy who makes these to spec… I gave him that picture we took when we were at the farm for Christmas, and well…”
“It’s beautiful Jess, thank you,” he said and kissed her softly.
“Now before I give you my gift, why don’t we sit on the couch and talk a little?” he suggested, leading her over and helping her sit down. Sitting down next to her, he began his prepared speech. “Jess, I love you. These last five months have been some of the happiest in my life, just getting to know you, finding out what makes you tick. They’ve also been some of the scariest, because try as I might, I couldn’t keep you out. You managed to get in, to find out who I really am. I’ve tried so hard for so long to keep from being vulnerable, but with you I am. As we’ve grown closer, I’ve realized that my heart is safe in your keeping, and I let you in. And now as we celebrate our love, I want to give you a solid symbol of it.”
So saying, Harm slipped to the floor in front of her and pulled a small box out of his pocket. “Jessica MacGuire, will you marry me?” he asked simply.
“Yes Harm,” she said through the tears running down her face. Holding out her hand for the ring, she smiled at the unfamiliar weight and coolness of it as he slipped it on her finger. She leaned forward to kiss him and as she did, she whispered, “You were right… this more than makes up for earlier.”
Part 6
08:02, Saturday, February 15
Mac groaned in her sleep as an annoying buzzing noise started to wake her up. “Go ‘way,” she mumbled. “Don’t want any…” But the ringing continued and finally she woke up enough to pick up the phone and mutter, “H’lo?”
“Mac, you’ll never guess what happened!” an excited voice exclaimed.
“Harm? Why are you calling at 08:04 on a Saturday morning?” she asked, more awake now.
“Oh, did I wake you up? I’m sorry Mac, I’m just so excited and I couldn’t wait to tell you. It’s so wonderful!”
“Slow down Flyboy, what’s so wonderful? Tell me your news.”
“She said yes Mac! I asked and she said yes!”
“Was there ever any doubt?” Mac teased.
“Well you never know for sure… and I did mess up the rest of the evening because I was so nervous. I’m getting married Mac,” he said as though he was having difficulty believing it himself.
“I’m happy for you Harm… Jess is good for you,” Mac responded quietly.
“Hey, I’ll let you go back to sleep now. I just had to tell you.”
“Ok Harm… congratulations.”
“Thanks Mac,” he said and hung up.
As Mac placed the receiver back on the cradle, sleep was the farthest thing from her mind. Well that’s that… they’re engaged. Of course they are Mac, you knew this was going to happen, he told you he’d bought the ring. But I just didn’t believe it! Why does this always happen to me, I open up to someone but they don’t want me. What’s wrong with me that no one wants me?
Slowly she got out of bed and went into the bathroom to take a shower. As the hot water beat down on her, her own tears join the flood as she let the pain of rejection wash over her heart. No more… I’ll be happy with just my friends. I just can’t take this again, she wept.
Stepping out of the shower, she dried off and dressed in a pair of worn sweats. Then she went into the kitchen and cut a large piece of frozen chocolate pie for breakfast. Yep, from now on it’s just me and my chocolate, she told herself as she curled up on the couch.
Suddenly a new thought occurred to her. “How am I going to face him?” she wondered aloud. “Or her? Or both of them together… especially that! I can’t ignore him, he’s my best friend and she apparently is his other half. Thank God today is Saturday so I have the weekend to get used to this before work on Monday… Maybe I could ask the Admiral for an assignment that would send me away. No, I did that once and that’s part of the reason I’m in this mess, even though it was for a good reason. Even things done for a good reason can backfire sometimes…” Her mind wandered back to those three months on the Guadacanal and the confrontation she’d had with Harm. We just couldn’t get it together after I got back, she realized. Maybe this is for the best then?
Part 7
Monday morning, 07:55
“Good morning Mac,” Harm said with a smile as he stepped into the bullpen.
“Morning Harm,” she replied quietly and walked into her office, closing the door behind her.
Harm stared at the door, confused. What’s bothering you about it Harm? It’s not as if she’s never closed her office door before? his logical mind argued. Yeah, but she basically just shut the door in my face, his intuition fought back. Something’s wrong. He hesitated for a moment, thinking about knocking. Then Bud walked by and reminded him it was time for staff call, and with one last glance at the closed door, he walked away.
Meanwhile, Mac sat her office, tensed for the confrontation she was sure was coming. He knows I’d never shut my door on him unless I was upset… what will I tell him when he knocks? I ought to just tell him to go away and leave me alone, what does he need me for now that he has Jess? But the knock never came and Mac’s internal clock suddenly reminded her that she was five minutes late for staff call.
“I’m sorry Admiral, I lost track of time,” she apologized as she breezed into the conference room.
AJ looked at her over his glasses. “You lost track of time Colonel?” he questioned.
“Yes sir, it happens to the best of us,” she replied with a glint of humor.
“Ok, let’s get this show on the road,” he said turning back to the business of running the morning meeting.
Harm on the other hand was not buying it for a moment. If she lost track of time she must really be upset… What’s happened since Saturday morning that could be so bad? he wondered. He tried to catch her eye, but she studiously avoided even looking at him.
As they stood to leave, he made one last attempt. “Hey Mac, could I talk to you for a minute?” he asked.
She looked at him blankly and said, “I don’t know why Commander, we don’t have any cases together,” and walked out.
Shocked, Harm followed her out of the room and went into his office. I don’t understand, she hasn’t been that cold to me in over a year. Did I do something wrong?
He spent most of the morning wracking his brain, trying to figure out how he’d hurt her so badly that she was shutting him out. As he was working his way through the third pile of paperwork, it hit him. That’s it… she’s shutting me out. It isn’t that she’s mad at me, there’s something that she’s dealing with that she doesn’t want to talk about.
After realizing that he hadn’t done anything wrong, he felt a modicum of relief, but it was quickly washed away by concern for Mac. So what’s wrong? And why won’t she talk to me about it? What can I do to help her, I don’t want to just sit here and watch her hurt. However, seven years of experience had taught him that pressuring Mac when she was withdrawing almost always meant something bad for him. Finally, he decided to send her an email just letting her know he was thinking about her.
In her office, Mac heard the familiar chime that meant she had a new message in her inbox. When she opened her email and saw it was from Harm she almost deleted it without looking at it, but something changed her mind and she clicked it open.
Mac—
I know you’re upset about something, and I understand that you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve learned my lesson: I won’t force you to talk. I just want you to know that I’m your friend and I support you in whatever you feel like you have to do. I wish I could do something to make you feel better, but since I can’t I’ll just let you know that I’m here for you.
Harm
After pausing to collect her thoughts for a moment, she quickly typed out a reply and clicked send. Harm was anxiously awaiting her reaction, and opened it as soon as he got it.
Thanks Harm… It means a lot to me that you understand I need to do this alone. I don’t want to shut you out completely though, want to have lunch?
Mac
He sighed with relief and then glanced down at his watch. Getting up, he walked over to stand in Mac’s doorway. “Hey Marine, you ready to go?” he asked.
“Sure Harm,” she replied with a small smile. You can do this, he’s your friend! You can’t lose that, she told herself sternly. “So have you and Jess set a date yet?” she asked pleasantly.
“Yeah, I think we’re going with July 12 so mark it down ok?” he said with a smile.
“Circled in red,” she answered lightly.
Gradually they fell into a pattern. She worked hard at not shutting him out and he let her set the comfort zone for their friendship. Much to his chagrin, she scaled it back a few notches from where it had been, but at least she wasn’t shutting him out entirely.
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