| Subject: Never Forget part 2 |
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CQ
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Date Posted: 13:28:54 07/21/02 Sun
In reply to:
CQ
's message, "Never Forget" on 13:27:30 07/21/02 Sun
Part 8
“Hey Mac,” Harm said as he walked into the bullpen one day about two months before the wedding. How will she act today? She’s been so moody the last few months…
“Hey Harm, how’s Jess?” she called out cheerily.
Harm let out a sigh of relief. Apparently today is going to be a good day… maybe a good day to ask them? “She’s knee deep in fabric swatches and invitation catalogs. Hey will you do me a favor?” he asked.
“Anything Harm. Within reason!” she quickly added when she saw a sly look enter his eye.
“Be my best man?” he asked hesitantly.
Mac’s eyes widened in surprise. “Harm are you sure you don’t want to ask Keeter or Sturgis?”
“No, I want my best friend to stand up with me,” he replied adamantly. “If you want to that is,” he quickly amended.
“Well in that case your best friend would be honored,” she replied simply. “I suppose this means I need to trade in the new dress I bought for the wedding for my dress uniform,” she realized.
“Actually no,” Harm said. “Jess decided she didn’t want a military wedding. You can wear whatever you want.”
“Oh! Ok.” There was a lull in the conversation and then something occurred to Mac. “Hey, does this mean I get to plan the bachelor party?” she asked curiously.
“I guess… why?” he questioned suspiciously.
“Relax Harm,” she laughed. “It won’t be too painful, I promise. I won’t make you dress in drag and take you bar hopping like some friends of mine did.”
“Uh… on second thought…” Harm stuttered.
“Don’t worry Harm! It’s part of my duty as your best man, and you know how seriously I take my duties,” she tossed over her shoulder as she went into her office.
“That’s what scares me!” he muttered as he walked away.
6 weeks later, 2 weeks until D-Day
At the Admiral’s house
Harm and Jess’ engagement party
“Has anyone seen my best man?” Harm asked
“How do you get away with calling her a man?” Sturgis asked.
“I think that’s outweighed by the pleasure she takes in hearing a squid admit that a jarhead is best,” he joked. “Now seriously, where’s Mac?”
“I think I saw her go out the backdoor,” Bud offered.
Harm stepped outside and gave his eyes a moment to adjust to the twilight before walking forward. “Mac? Are you out here?”
“I’m over here Harm,” she called.
Following her voice, he found her seated on a garden bench. “May I join you?” he asked quietly.
“Of course Harm…if I didn’t want you here I wouldn’t have let you know where I was.” As soon as the words left her mouth, Mac wished she could take them back. I can’t let him know, can’t let him see… she thought desperately.
“Is something wrong, Mac?” he finally asked. “You’ve been pretty quiet today.”
“Nothing’s wrong Harm,” she replied a bit too quickly.
“Are you sure?” he prodded gently.
“I’m sure, it’s just…”
“Just what Mac? You know you can tell me anything.”
Anything but this… I’ve got to throw him off! “It just hit me today Harm. You’re getting married… this is for real.”
He frowned slightly and asked, “And that bothers you?”
“No… I guess I just never thought I’d be celebrating your engagement.” To someone else, she added silently.
He smiled briefly and said, “Life does have a way of surprising you.”
“Yeah I guess. Harm, if you could go back and do one thing differently, what would it be?” she asked suddenly.
“The Admiral once gave me some good advice—“Don’t look back.” I did then and wished I hadn’t. The fact is you can never change the past, you can only deal with how it effects the present.”
“You’re dropping chaff again Hammer… answer the question.”
“I can’t Sarah… please don’t ask me to,” he begged softly.
Their eyes held for a long moment before Mac looked away. “You’d better go in, I’m sure your bride is wondering why you’re spending all evening in the garden with the best man.”
“Are you coming Mac?” he asked as he stood to go in.
“I’ll be there in a minute… please go,” she requested.
After he left, Mac attempted to collect herself. Well Mackenzie, you’re three for three… you’d think you’d learn that he doesn’t have feelings for you and stop begging him to hurt you… but no, you have to go put yourself on the line anytime it seems like he might be slipping away… come to think of it, why do I always choose times like this to talk to him? What did I expect him to do, tell me that he’s madly in love with me and walk back into the house and say “I’m sorry, there won’t be a wedding?” she asked derisively. Ok, so move on… you’re a Marine, you can handle it. Standing, she went in to join the party.
Part 9
T-Minus 2 hours, 35 minutes
Harm tugged nervously at the bow tie, trying unsuccessfully to get it right. Answering the knock at his door, he stared in awe at his best man, looking gorgeous in a simple cornflower blue dress that fell to about mid calf. “Hey Mac,” he finally said.
“Hey Sailor, this thing giving you problems?” she asked, gesturing to the tie he held loosely in his left hand.
“Oh yeah. Can you help me?” he asked hopefully.
“Sure,” she said, taking it from him. They were quiet for a moment as she tied his tie. Stepping back when she was done, she smiled and said, “See? It’s easy!”
Harm looked in the mirror and shook his head. “I worked on that thing for 20 minutes, and you come in here and are done in two? How’s that?” he asked incredulously.
“Part of my marine training, Harm,” she teased.
“Oh, you mean along with “How to plan a bachelor party to thoroughly embarrass your best friend 101?” he asked sardonically.
“Hey, it wasn’t that bad… you got to see all your old buddies, right?”
“Oh yeah, it wasn’t that bad… you just enticed them to spend the whole evening telling every embarrassing story they could remember! And of course you had to bring up when I fired the gun in the courtroom… not that the entire Navy hasn’t heard that story,” he concluded ruefully.
“It coulda been worse, Navy. I was thinking about putting you in Marine uniform and taking you out…”
“Ok, I take back everything I said about it! It was the best bachelor party anyone’s ever thrown for me!” he said frantically.
“It’s the only bachelor party anyone’s ever thrown for you, smart aleck,” she muttered.
“Of course,” he said with a grin. “Now let’s go we only have…”
“Two hours, 14 minutes till it starts,” she finished for him and walked out of the apartment.
He followed, shaking his head. “Are you ever going to tell me how you do that?” he asked his standard question.
“Someday… when we’re old and gray and you’re so senile you’ll forget it five minutes later,” she replied cheekily.
2 hours, 10 minutes later…
“How much longer Mac?” Harm whispered as he shifted his weight where he stood at the front of the church.
“3 minutes, 15 seconds… and stop figeting!” she whispered back.
Somehow Harm managed to stay still for the next 3 minutes, 4 seconds, and then it was time. The music started, the crowd stood, and Jess appeared at the end of the aisle on her father’s arm. This is really happening! Mac realized, suddenly panicking. Closing her eyes, she took a few deep breaths and steadied herself by the time Jess reached the front of the church.
After her father gave her away, the minister opened it prayer and gave a brief statement about the purpose of marriage. Then he got down to the real stuff.
“Do you Harmon take Jessica to be your wife? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect her, forsaking all others forevermore?” he asked solemnly.
“I do.”
“And do you Jessica take Harmon to be your husband? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect him, forsaking all others forevermore?”
“I do.”
“Having given their consent, I ask at this time if there is anyone present here who knows any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony. If so, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
Standing next to Harm, Mac suddenly had the urge to step forward and yell out “Because I’m in love with him!” at the top of her lungs… or at the very least run out of the church which would definitely disrupt things… Clenching her fists she reminded herself This is what he wants, you’re happy for him, keep your mouth shut… don’t say anything just don’t say anything… Then the moment was over and the ceremony moved on.
“Harm, repeat after me. I Harmon take you Jessica…”
“I Harmon take you Jessica…”
“To be my wife.”
“To be my wife.”
“To have and to hold,”
“To have and to hold,”
“In sickness and in health,”
“In sickness and in health,”
“For richer or for poorer, for better or for worse,”
“For richer or for poorer, for better or for worse,”
“To love and to cherish forsaking all others,”
“To love and to cherish forsaking all others,”
“Until we are parted by death.”
“Until we are parted by death.”
“I Jessica take you Harmon to be my husband. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health for richer or for poorer for better or worse, to love and to cherish; forsaking all others until we are parted by death.”
“Do you have the ring?” he asked Harm. Harm turned to Mac who handed him the ring she’d been keeping since earlier that week.
“The wedding band is an outward symbol of the tie that binds a husband and wife together. It’s form and enduring metal remind us of the eternity for which that bond is designed. Harm, place the ring on her left hand and repeat after me. With this ring I thee wed.”
“With this ring I thee wed.”
After Jessica had given Harm his ring, the minister said, “Harmon and Jessica, in so much as you have agreed to live together in matrimony and have promised your love for each other by these vows and the giving and receiving of rings, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
Harm leaned forward and gently kissed Jess. When they broke apart, the minister announced, “I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Harmon Rabb, Jr.”
Harm and Jess walked out of the sanctuary, followed by their attendants. There was a reception to follow, but by this point Mac’s mind was so blurry from the focus it was taking not to cry that she didn’t take anything in. Somehow, she managed to fade into the woodwork when Jess threw the bouquet. She waved the happy couple on their way and then went home without saying another word to anyone.
Part 10
Monday, 05:30
Mac arrived at work early Monday morning. By now, Harm and Jess are in Maui, enjoying their honeymoon, she thought as she sat down at her desk. Shoving those thoughts aside, her eyes fell on an envelope placed in the certer of the desk. The handwriting on it was as familiar as her own, stating simply “To My Sarah.” Since when does he call me his Sarah? she wondered as she opened it up.
“Dear Sarah,” it began,
“I suppose you’re wondering why I called you “My Sarah.” That is how I think of you—my Sarah, my Marine… Even though I know it isn’t true, in my heart you will always be mine.
So much has happened since that day we met on the curb outside the Rose Garden. Then our partnership was tenuous at best; clouded by memories on my side and mistrust on yours. Gradually though I won your trust and you helped me put Dianne’s ghost to rest, and we became friends.
Then something else began to happen, something wonderful and exciting and terrifying. What began as friendship slowly evolved into so much more. Sarah, sometime between the dock at Norfolk and the Admiral’s porch one spring night I fell in love with you.
I know you’re wondering why I never said anything. The truth is I was scared. Your friendship meant so much to me, could I risk that for something more? That was the question I asked myself everyday. I was questioning this on the ferry, and then the next day you showed up with Brumby’s ring. At that point, I patted myself on the back for making the right choice. But as the months went by and the distance between us grew, I wondered if I hadn’t lost it all.
I asked it again after I was pulled from the ocean. This time, I decided to take the chance, but fate was cruel and drove us apart once more. When we were finally together again, the distance was even greater than before. I spent the next few months debating if I simply wanted to recapture our friendship or reach for something more.
But as spring approached, I realized I couldn’t risk our friendship in my selfish quest for more. I resolved to focus my energy on regaining what we used to have. I’d like to think that I accomplished that and more.
Now I suppose you’re asking why I tell you this now, as I marry another woman. Honestly Sarah I hadn’t planned to. But two weeks ago in the Admiral’s garden you gave me reason to believe that the feelings you once had for me aren’t dead… if that is true, I thought you deserved to know the truth. In a way, I hope it isn’t true and that I just made a big fool of myself, because otherwise I fear I just made a huge error in judgment by marrying a woman I love instead of the woman I’m in love with.
In any case I suppose it all boils down to this: Never forget the part of me that never forgot you.
Love Always,
Harm
Part 11
Mac’s POV
Did he just say what I think he just said? Did my best friend, the man I love, just tell me he loves me too… three days too late? My head is spinning so fast I can’t hold onto a thought… after five minutes of shocked numbness I manage to grasp one thing: I have to get out of here before the tears start. Grabbing my things, I run to the elevator and leave the building, climb into my car and drive home.
Somehow I manage to unlock my door, even though my hands are trembling so badly I can barely hold onto the key. Shoving it closed behind me, I drop my stuff on the floor and collapse on the couch. Pulling the letter out of my pocket I reread it until the tears begin to blur my vision. Dropping it to the floor I curl up into a little ball and sob, shaking so badly it almost hurts.
Finally after 57 minutes of this I realize I have to call in or I’ll be UA. I pull myself together enough to pick up the phone and dial in. “JAG headquarters,” I hear Tiner say.
“Tiner, this is Col. Mackenzie. Would you please tell the Admiral that I’m sick and won’t be coming in today?” I ask. “Thank you Tiner,” I say and hang up when he replies affirmatively. I walk to my bedroom, stripping my uniform off as I go. If I’m going to cry all day, I might as well wear comfortable clothes.
But the phone rings just as I’m pulling my soft tee shirt over my head. Picking up, I say “Yes?”
“Mac, this is Admiral Chegwidden. Are you sure you can’t come in today? With Rabb gone on leave, I’m shorthanded.”
“I’m sorry Admiral, you know I wouldn’t do this to you if I could avoid it, but terrible doesn’t begin to describe how I feel,” I reply, my voice hoarse from crying.
“You sound awful. Are you going to be alright home alone?” he asked, switching from upset CO to concerned friend in a heartbeat. “Would you like someone to come by and check up on you?”
“No!” I reply instantly. “Please sir, I’ll be fine alone… I really don’t want to see anyone right now, plus what if they got sick as well?” I cross my fingers, hoping he buys it.
He does. “Ok Colonel, call me tomorrow and let me know how you feel,” he orders and hangs up.
Whew. There’s a big accident averted. I know he would have sent Harriet, and I can just imagine what she would think if she saw me like this. Her mothering instincts would go into overdrive and she would have the whole story out of me in five minutes. That is the one thing I simply cannot allow… no one can ever know about this, not even Jingo. Some things are simply too private to say out loud.
These thoughts have brought that letter back to mind. Now that the initial pain has dulled, I can think about it almost rationally… well not quite, but probably about as close as I’m going to get today.
I want to be mad at him… I am mad at him! Why did he have to do this to me? These last nine months have been hell—first learning about Jess, and then seeing him learn to love her… their engagement and wedding… But I was dealing with it, damnit! Then he has to go and throw this at me. I hate him. No, I love him but I’m mad at him!
I admit part of me is glad to know. In a strange twisted way it feels good to be wanted, even if it is by someone who can never have me. At least now I have my answer to why no one wants me… they do, they just don’t have the balls to say it.
Ahem… I’m getting pretty worked up about this I know, but wouldn’t you? I mean really, I’ve given him plenty of chances to tell me how he feels and he chooses now of all times? Talk about bad timing… If he started to think this way two weeks ago why in blue blazes didn’t he say it then? Although to be completely honest, I didn’t break up with Mic after our engagement party, and I should have. But I didn’t get married either! Not by any design of my own, that was because of Harm’s crash at least indirectly… My mind is spinning again, I’m going to find some chocolate.
I’m staring at the piece of chocolate cake on my fork, cursing Harmon Rabb, Jr. with every ounce of strength I have. How can he make me not want chocolate? That settles it, I’m going to kill him. This just isn’t fair… first he hits me with “I love you even though I married someone else,” and now the coup de grâce… no chocolate to ease the pain. The man is pure evil, that’s all there is to it.
And I love him… I love him with all that I am. Pushing the plate aside, I rest my head on the table and cry again, quiet tears this time. This time I’m crying for the might have beens and the what ifs, the if onlys and I wishes.
When I’m done, I sit up and begin to plan the rest of my life. My first question—do I let Harm know, or do I leave him to wonder? No, I have to let him know, because otherwise he’ll obsess about it and it will throw a pall over his marriage. I refuse to let this break up his marriage, he made a choice, and Jess deserves better than that.
So how do I let him know? I guess I’ll leave him a note, one only he will understand. Pulling out a small notepad, I write:
H~
Never.
~M
Short, simple, to the point and completely indiscernible. Perfect. That accomplished, I’m suddenly exhausted and I go into my room and fall asleep.
Two weeks later
Harm just walked into his office for the first time since he got married. Nervous, I get up and go stand near his doorway. He’s picking it up, he’s reading it… he looks up and sees me, the pain in his eyes is too much for me. I step into his office, close the door, and walk over to him.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly, pushing my hair back from my face.
“I know,” I reply simply. “I forgive you.” With those few words of reconciliation, we step into each other’s arms for a hug. When we pull back, I see a tear in his eye. Mimicking a gesture of comfort he has often given me, I gently wipe it away and smile. “We’ll live Harm… you’ll see.” And with that I walk away, leaving behind the only man I’ll ever love.
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