| Subject: Melinda, and everyone |
Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 14:48:24 08/22/06 Tue
In reply to:
Melinda
's message, "Re: Heather" on 10:35:29 08/22/06 Tue
Thank you Melinda. I remember a time when I would read the posts to me and get mad and defensive. Now I just read them and my eyes fill with tears because I know what to do, just doing it has seemed so hard. I let go only to get dragged back in months later. When I got home last evening, I took some real time out to pray and talk to God about this. I had to because I picked up my phone to call Spencer and tell him off, but why? What would that solve? NOTHING. Luckily he didn't answer and I came to my senses. It is obvious to me that he is either still using meth, I know he is drinking and partying all the time, or he is just not recovering because he has decided he is okay the way he is. That I know is not my problem. I keep telling myself that but somehow I feel guilt. I think its because my son wants him so bad, but you know I think my son would be just fine with a man in his life that was good to all of us even if it wasn't his own dad. I know this because a friend of mine asked if he could come visit and my kids were so excited. I found out they were excited when they were waiting in the living room for him and when I thought it was getting too late I said, maybe I will call him and tell him that tonight is not a good night to visit. They both said No , tonight is good. We want him to visit. When he got there he watched Spongebob the movie with us and was asking the boys questions about the movie. They were excited to have a man around. He's just a friend, someone I am not interested in romantically, but that showed me what they need. It's not Spencer they need, it's a father figure no matter the blood line. So I prayed last night for God to help me let go, and to be there in the court room with me, speak through me and speak through the judge on what is best for this divorce/child visitation case. I am wanting Spencer to have to prove himself first before having any visits. I want to deter him from seeing him until he is serious about being clean and being a dad. I found out yesterday that in cases like this the addict parent cannot even drink alcohol and must enroll and show proof of parenting classes, NA or AA, counseling, anger ,management, etc....I want it to be something he really wants and not something he does to get next to me or piss me off or just see me. Oh I am also asking for Supervised visits - which you all know about anyways.
I'm going to do it this time. I'm letting go. I still need to come here ntil I have let go and everything gets better.
I am having a great day today and I am glad. When he gets to me, I don't fall like before, it takes me a good week to get myself back to the healthy thinking I should be at, but that week is a precious one to lose and I don't want to do that again.
I don't want him and I don't need him. He has been on drugs for my little boys entire life. If we were anything near special - he would not be that way. He makes his own choices and he must live with them. I cannot live with them any longer. Even talking to him on the telephone and not allowing him to come visit took its toll on me. What a great manipulator he is. All it took was a phone line and he almost had his hooks in me again.
Thanks for being here for me. If I didn't have you guys, I don't know where I would be.
Thanks for your prayers and support.
Heather
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