| Subject: Re: My son is a meth addict and I have not heard from him in 3 months. |
Author:
Rhonda
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Date Posted: 12:08:35 04/04/06 Tue
In reply to:
numb
's message, "Re: My son is a meth addict and I have not heard from him in 3 months." on 20:03:36 04/03/06 Mon
Yes.. I understand exactly. I have felt the very same way and my husband just doesn't get it. You could of been writting for me our situations seem so simular. I was diagnoised with sever depression about a year and a half ago. I am a VERY strong person but, this almost killed me. To make things worse. My husband showed zero understanding. Which really surprised me because until this meth problem started, I felt like the most loved and respected wife in the world. From the beginning he resented that it took any of my time from him. That the baby was even here for the time she was. Just flat out told me that we had 2 kids still at home and he had NO interest in raising her. She would would try to relate to him and he would go through the motions but her and I could tell, he didnt want her here. My 2 boys loved her very much and we wanted her so bad. My husband just never got on board. Truth be know, he was happy when the judge made her go back to georgia. That hurt so deep. After she left and my son was in jail I knew I had to do something to help myself. I went to the doctor and she imediately put me on antidepressants and sleeping pill. I was only sleeping a few hrs a nite. They helped and I did start getting back to my old self somewhat but, In my husbands eyes... not soon enough. I think he believed that the antidepressants were magic pills or something. Within a week he was hounded me again. Screaming that I was tired of him and had been for a long time. As I said, I am a very strong woman and have dealt with alot in my life but I found myself groveling at his feet, crying and begging him to just back off for a little bit. Let me get myself well and we would be okay. But it would take time... the most peace I had seen in years was when my son was in jail and the baby was with my ex and his wife. To most that wouldn't be peace... but so much hell stopped at that point, I could focus finally on repairing myself and my family. I woke up and realized that this meth thing was out of my hands. Just give me a little time. Well, if I laughed on the phone or managed to get dressed and go shopping. In his eyes I was fine. A few days would passed and he would start again. I believe I cried every day for 4 months. He just wouldn't back off. All the while saying.. u don't want me just to back off, you want me just to go away. NO, I wanted him to quit hounding me daily, telling me how I wasnt up to parr. Just seemed like from the beginning.. it was all about him. He is a very jealous man, even of my mother and girlfriends. No one was to take my time from him. Funny, we were married for a very long time before I knew he was like this. I am a stay at home mom and moved from my hometown of atlanta the day we got married. Moved to a new state with no family. Just hubby, me and the 2 boys. We were very co dependant. You have to be when completely away from family. But all seemed great to me. Until this huge bump in the road. My husband has been very fortunate. Has had pretty much a fairy tale life until this. I guess he just didnt know how to deal with it. All I know is that I need him to just hug me and tell me it was all going to be okay and he just didnt. I didn't expect him to fix it.. just be there for me. I truley believe that had he been more supportive, I would not have ended up as bad as I was. That's my son... my baby. To this day when I see him, he is that little 8lb boy I brought home from the hospital. I could not just flick a switch and act like nothing was happening. I am glad to say that I have been able to stop taking the antidepressants. ( I am not one who likes having to medicate to make myself function) but I am still half of the person I once was. I enjoy my boys and their lives now. Actually dont dread waking in the morning anymore. But I do dread my husband coming home. I am tired of hearing that it's all about him. I am tired of hearing that these feelings I have are all toward him. Thing is, before, for a long time that could not of been less true. But now, alot of my sadness comes from him and how selfish he is. He even thinks my writting on this website is wrong. Says it just keeps it fresh in my mind. Well, my dear hubby.. it will never be completely gone.. but this website has giving me a new outlook on things. I have confirmed that I am not crazy, I am a mom. My feelings were and are real and I have a right to them. For the first time in 4 years.. I hear from others in the same situation I am in saying that its okay to have lost it with my son... but even when you reach the end of your rope, you still mourn the loss of a child. Meth takes who your child was away. So now I wait, while trying to get myself back on top... I wait to see every day if my son is dead or alive. I pray to hear from him, but I move on. I try to feel joy in the blessing that I have and raise my 2 sons that are at home as best I can. I love them, support them and try to teach them as much as I can about the wickedness of drugs. They see what drugs can do. I was talking to my 16 year old about it one day, warning him not to do drugs.. he said he would never, I said " yeah, your brother said that too at your age". He looked me dead in the eyes and said....." My brother NEVER saw what they can do to an ENTIRE family! I have and I wont do that to myself or any member of my family.. the hurt runs too deep!" sigh, out of the mouths of children comes such wisdom sometimes.. love ya'll for being here, being a platform for me to vent and tell my feelings. TYVM
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