| Subject: Re: Just a chatty update. Now you should post your update! |
Author:
Elisa
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Date Posted: 07:57:15 03/19/07 Mon
In reply to:
Chiska
's message, "Re: Just a chatty update. Now you should post your update!" on 11:14:41 03/13/07 Tue
Chiska, I hope things work out for you with Wade's job and house situation.
I think your comment about expecting to feel different or "fit in" more once you had husband and kids is so profound and so true. When I was younger and looked at people ahead of me in life experience I thought that when I got to their point in life I would be so much wiser, more confident, more everything. And yes, I do feel like I've gained more wisdom and more confidence as I've conquered some of life's challenges, but at the same time, at my core I am still the same person I was 5, 10, 15 years ago. So interesting. One thing I have learned, Chiska, and maybe this will make sense, maybe not, is that I can't isolate myself from the rest of the human race. It seems to be my tendancy to view myself as an island - as somehow totally different from everyone else and thinking that my challenges or my feelings are totally different from what everyone else is experiencing. Luckily, I've come to realize that that perspective is completely untrue. And it is so much easier to face challenges knowing that I am no different from everyone else in what I'm going through. That doesn't mean things aren't still really hard, but it makes it a little better.
Speaking of challenges . . . :)
Ryan and I are getting a divorce. I feel very much at peace about it, but that doesn't ease the pain of the breakup. I do feel optimistic about my future, about marrying again and being able to start a family. I feel like I've learned a lot from this experience so far and know myself better and know what I need in a spouse so much better than I did before. I recognize now that a big part of my decision to marry Ryan was driven my my personal insecurities, and luckily I feel like I have overcome those insecurities for the most part. At the same time I still mourn the ending of this relationship. And I have to keep reminding myself that I really am taking steps forward, and not backwards. Yesterday church was really hard (I'm living with my parents right now and going to their ward). There are a lot of new babies in their ward and that made me sad. Some people came up and said they were sorry to hear about my divorce, and that made me sad. I don't know . . . so many different emotions. It's definitely quite a roller coaster. And now that Ryan has finally come to terms with where we are at he is kind of bitter and rude with me. We're both wanting to have an uncontested divorce - meaning we don't go to court, we just decide between ourselves how to divide up our assets. On Saturday we got into a big argument over some things and Ryan said he was considering asking for alimony since I make more money than him. Oh brother, what a joke. Can you imagine a 29 year old, employed man seeking alimony from his wife?? I think it's pretty silly.
Anyway . . . the joys of divorce. I'm just trying to keep myself pointed in the right direction and taking baby steps forward. I'm getting our house ready to sell now and I think once that is done and once we get divorce papers filed I will be able to breath easier, think more clearly and sleep better!
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