| Subject: Chapter One -- An Unexpected Chapter Title Clearly Stolen From a Fantasy Book I'm Sure We're All Familiar With. Inside. |
Author:
Stoakly
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Date Posted: 20:27:33 08/06/09 Thu
Author Host/IP: c-76-30-108-64.hsd1.tx.comcast.net/76.30.108.64
In reply to:
Stoakly
's message, "Lord of the Spoons" on 20:00:53 08/06/09 Thu
"3 Spoons for those guys, that need haircuts.
7 spoons for the guys who really need to shave.
9 spoons for the realm of guys who don't really fit into any special category.
But one spoon for the Dark Lord, who clearly had a rough childhood.
1 Spoon to the rule them all,
1 spoon to blah blah blah,
blah-bitty bloo,
Everyone knows the plot,
So here we go..."
Tyshdalf the Brown: Is it secret, is it safe?
Stoako Baggins: Aaah! Gosh, Tyshdalf, don't sneak up on me like that.
Tyshdalf: Oh, get over it. Just give me the spoon.
Stoako: You came here all the way from Hogwarts for a spoon?
Tyshdalf: What in Wizard's name is Hogwarts?
Stoako: I 'onno. Read it in a book somewhere, I think...
Tyshdalf: Well, this book is at least 40 years older, so let's just get on with it. Where's the spoon?
Stoako: Oh, it's just... in this bowl.
Tyshdalf: YOU WERE EATING SOUP WITH THE ONE SPOON TO RULE THEM ALL?!
Stoako: ... well, if it helps, it was Campbell's.
Tyshdalf: How is that supposed to help?
Stoako: The commercials have such a catchy song. I couldn't resist. (sing-song voice) Poss-i-billi-ties!
Tyshdalf: Alright, whatever. Just throw it in the fire.
Stoako: Why?
Tyshdalf: I don't need to tell you. Anyone reading this far into the story already knows that and has clearly seen at least one of the movies.
Stoako: Okay. (Tosses in the spoon and then gets it out.) Alright, what does it say?
Tyshdalf: Made in New Mexico.
Stoako: Woah woah woah, back up. There's a /new/ Mexico?!
Tyshdalf: Oh, all it says is the stuff we already wrote in the beginning.
Stoako: ... at least it doesn't say made in /China/. Get it? China? Spoon? China is a word for fancy plates?
Tyshdalf: That's enough out of you, Seinfeld.
Stoako: Hey, off-topic, but how come every type of people in this story is exactly like humans but with like one small variation here and there?
Tyshdalf: What? Are you /really/ doubting Tolkien?!
Stoako: Think about it. Hobbits are just short humans with hairy feet. Orks are just green humans. Wizards are just tall humans with awesome beards and magical powers... or, in some cases, dorky kids with brooms and glasses. And dwarves are just short humans with less awesome beards. Oh, and elves are humans with long, blonde hair and pointy ears.
Tyshdalf: Don't you dare insult J.R.R Tolkien. You are shunned by NAME.
Stoako: NAME? What is NAME?
Tyshdalf: Nerds Across Middle Earth.
Stoako: ... ouch. Well, at least Orlando Bloom's acting isn't as bad as the Orlando Magic! Get it? Orlando Bloom? Orlando Magic, the basketball team?
Tyshdalf: I cannot even begin to describe how not funny that is. (sounds of bushes outside. He moves over and pulls a little hobbit out of the bushes.) WHAT DID YOU HEAR?!
Samkinwise Gamgee: Everything! Something about J.R.R Tolkien, nerds, a spoon, the Orlando Magic.
Tyshdalf: I should turn you into a toad!
Samkinwise: ... can't be as bad as having to listen to Stoako's jokes.
Stoako: ... We really should get down to business.
Samkinwise: Yay! So, where are we headed?
Tyshdalf: J.R.R Tolkien's house, of course. To throw the One Spoon into the fiery pits of his dish washer.
Stoako: Really? That's the best parody of Lord of the Rings you could come up with?
Tyshdalf: Anyway, you two get the two annoying characters clearly only used for comic relief --
Stoako: Pippin and the other guy who also played the musician in Lost until he died at the end of season three?
Tyshdalf: Yep, those two. Anyhow, when you've got them, make your way to Bree and steer clear of any SpoonWraiths. Meet me at the Prancing Pony.
Stoako: The "Prancing Pony"? What kind of name is that? Will we then make our way to Candy Land and the Rainbow of the Leaping Unicorn?
Tyshdalf: (poof)
Stoako: Well, we better get going...
END CHAPTER ONE.
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