Subject:  SW: To a Friend |
Author:
Eugene
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Date Posted: 23:26:33 03/30/03 Sun
Dear Friend,
You said that you are confused, that you are probably thinking too much, and that you just want to sleep all the time. I know.
You wondered if you should change, and you wondered how you should change. I wonder if you can change.... Changes are threatening to you, even to the degree of pain. The thought of changes troubles you so much that sleeping becomes your favorite pass time.
You asked me if you should break up with your partner. I doubt if you can. Yes, anyone with average intelligence can tell that you are not travelers on the same path. I wonder if you are in love with each other, or just in love with the way the other makes you feel about yourselves. In any case, leaving your partner is a change too threatening, too painful for you -- makes you feel lousy about yourself.
Changes are the last choice on your list and you keep lengthening that list. Your partner knows it too. That is why you are so cute together -- you are such a perfect match. It will take the end of the world for you to leave, no matter how sickly things get -- your partner needs a person like you. You often wonder why you seem to attract those who are utterly socially inadequate people. Well, you have to know how sweet is the scent of "I can't leave you" to an insecure person. People who can not find peace are fatally drown to people who can not change.
And you feel cheap and guilty about the things you do with your partner. But you can't stop -- even if you want to, that sad look on your partner's face and the boredom of being together without much else to do.
So you will go for the instant gratification. You are going to feel bad later one way or the other; why not feeling good now? And so you resign from taking responsibility for your choices. Life is so hard. God is not being helpful. Why couldn't He change your mind? Why couldn't He make you strong? Why couldn't He make nothing happen even why you are always ending up alone, in bed? And how can expression of innocent affection be bad, right? And you resigned to saying, "We are just human. We can't help it." God made you this way, it is not your fault.
I am wrong in saying that you do not "change". You do change, in some weird ways. Everytime you look at the painful truth, you tell yourself, "Maybe I will change the way I look at things." So you choose to not see things as they are. Instead, you keep saying, "Things are so complicated. I am so confused. Life is so complicated. Relationships are so confusing." The fact is, truth is always ready to hit you in your face, but you are such a good dodger. We are all amazed by your skill of being blind. You wonder why people do not like to be with you and your partner in an intimate setting. Well, it is like watching the cutest train wreck in the history -- horrible, yet sickeningly sweet.
How can I be so mean to you and say these things to you? Because this article is not written for any specific person. I drawn my inspiration from a lot of people I know, from being one of those insecure and socially inadequate partner, from my experience of hurting others in the name of being in love, and from my share of (1) going for instant gratification, (2) refusing to take responsibility, and (3) avoiding truth at all cost. Is it written for you? I don't know. It is certainly a mirror that I need to check myself in all the time.
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