A year ago!!! -- THE VENT BOARD

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Subject: A year ago!!!

Author:
Brad

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Date Posted: Thursday, January 23 2003, 0:48:28 GMT ( - 8 )

One year ago today (well the 22nd...a little late at posting this) my sister died!! Why?....because she had a FUCKED UP doctor!!!.....and insurance!!!

People say in time the pain will go away. How much time?....I can say not a year!! The pain is still there, just as strong!! I still remember every minute of that day one year ago!! I try to do what people keep saying to do "remember the good times" well that don't work...coz every time I remember anything about her....it ALWAYS leads back to that day. The day I got the phone call at work....the day I speed to my grandma's to pick her up to go to the ER....the day my mom asked the doctor if she was alive and him saying no!!!...the day I sat next to her, in the ER room holding her lifeless hand!!

3 1/2 years ago God could have taken my life...he came very close to having it....but he decided not to!! Instead he took my sisters....someone who was caring and always giving to others....always putting other people before herself....yet he takes her life!! With me...at that time...I didn't care if I lived or died....but he spared my life! I just don't get it!!!!

This last year has been extremely hard for me!! I can't allow my mom to see how depressed I get sometimes .... because of my history. She has soooo much other things going on right now....I don't need to have her worry about me!! I worry about her enough!!....she don't need to be worrying about me!! I just put that strong face on when I am around her...coz I need to be strong for her...even though sometimes that is really hard to do!!!

This last year I have realized how short life can be...and not to take things for granted!! That is why I am trying to make up for stupid things I have said or done!!...make wrong things, right!! Like with this guy I was soooo close to years ago!! We both ended up saying stupid things in the heat of the moment!!...causing us to stop talking. I have done everything I can think of to let this guy know how sorry I was!!....that he got caught in the middle of something!!...that I let my anger for someone else out on him....which I know I shouldn't have!!! And I have been trying to make it up to him...to let him know how sorry I was and how much his friendship meant to me and how much he still means to me. Yet he continues to ignore me!!...like yesterdays trash!!!

I don't know!!!....I guess I don't understand how the world works!! When I pick myself up and start the climb....it seems like something always knocks me back down!! Jan 22, 2002 knocked me right on my ass!!!....and hard!!!

Tricia, you were not only my sister, you were my friend and room mate. We were always able to tell each other anything. I listened to you and you listen to me no matter what!! Yeah we fought....but what brother and sister don't? You were always there for me!!!.....I wish I could have been there for you at the end!!!!!

Love you always!!!!

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven.

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven.

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

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Replies:

[> Subject: Geoff's response at the shack was meaningful and eloquent - I'll repeat my response here

Author:
<:) duck/ed
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Date Posted: Thursday, January 23 2003, 13:58:21 GMT ( - 8 )

I've heard and read much about that pain and grieving and it is different for everyone. FIVE years later I find that with every waking moment I am crying inside, whereas that first year contrary to the face I presented to others I was sobbing inside. Difference - not much, I have accepted the fact that the pain will exist the remainder of my time in this physical shell. That's just how it is!

I have also come to the conclusion that I have no choice but to tollerate it because for me to interrupt it, I would be inflicting the kind of pain that I endure on others and that is not something I care to do. Your realization of what your Mom endures and the fact that you do your utmost not to give her any further concern indicates that your the same. If nothing else hold on to that Brad -

When James crossed over he left me to deal with pain, and an emptiness that I thought was unbearable and that which I could not endure. Now I have accepted the reality that I can endure the unendurable and exist with that empty space and the pain ....well it's just part of me now and it will be there until I draw my last breath ....To me anyway the pain continues to a degree because I embrace it. To let it go at least for this duck would seemingly denigrate my Love for James and that's not something that is going to happen.

So I awake each day and take it one day at a time.

Don't know if any of this makes sense to others I think it may for you - but the only advice is ONE DAY AT A TIME BUDDY!!

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[> [> Subject: I feel that way as well Duck.

Author:
Kris
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Date Posted: Thursday, January 23 2003, 19:39:25 GMT ( - 8 )

Besides my Mom would BITCHSLAP me to hell if I abandoned her grandson. Oh but thank heavens for his existence on this globe.. I would not have got throught the first Christmas without either of my parents if it hadn't been for him.

Hang in there Brad. Hold onto what you care about that still remains in the world. Make her memory a thing of pride.

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[> Subject: Hugs
Author: Alie [ Edit \| View ]	Date Posted: Thursday, January 23 2003, 14:16:16 GMT ( - 8 ) [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: AWWWW BRAD!!!!! loads and loads of hugs sweetie..
Author: Kris [ Edit \| View ]	Date Posted: Thursday, January 23 2003, 19:33:20 GMT ( - 8 ) I dunno if it gets better.. maybe I just have more distractions than you do. But if you need someone to to cry to I am always here.. just look under the pile of books in the corner [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: A hug from an OZ guy Brad. I dont know your pain but I am sure it is hard.
Author: Ashley [ Edit \| View ]	Date Posted: Saturday, January 25 2003, 5:23:47 GMT ( - 8 ) [ Post a Reply to This Message ]